Sanguis Noctis: Bloodlines Part 24

"But what about his...." Jed circled his finger beside his ear, eyebrows rising. "I mean, that's not normal, right? Other wolves or whatever, they don't have problems with their instincts like Red does."

"No," the Gray Lady answered. For once, there was a hint of something other than complete calm in her tone. "That is Filtiarn's fault. The others that he turned received the full procedure; they were transitioned completely. Redford was not that lucky, and I have never before seen someone stuck halfway between a werewolf and a true wolf. It is a state of being that is simply not meant to happen."

Expression falling, Jed rubbed his hand across his face. His fingers were shaking, he noticed absently. That was f.u.c.king embarra.s.sing. He wished they'd stop. "So there's nothing that can help him?"

"The voices you speak of, and the way he loses himself, those are products of confused instincts," she replied, a faint sigh underneath her words. "Werewolves were Filtiarn's first attempt to create more wolves like him. They are an abomination. What Redford is going through is a clash between those instincts and the ones of the true wolf. His mind cannot pick one, so there is chaos."

"Okay, I think you have me confused with the professor." Jed couldn't help the desperate growl in his voice, the needy way he was searching her face for the answers she seemed so intent on keeping from him. "I don't care why. The whole stupid history, I don't give a f.u.c.k. I'm just looking for a solution. Is there a way he can get better?"

"Yes." It sounded simple, said in her patient tone. "He would need to be with his own kind. He would need to be free to roam where he wants when he feels the need to turn. That is what would help him."

Jed wasn't unaccustomed to pain. He'd gotten things broken or burned or bruised more times than he could ever count. He'd been tortured, he'd been torn apart and put back together and stepped on Legos in the middle of the f.u.c.king night. Jed knew pain. And he'd insulated himself against it, in some respects. It was part of the job, it was expected, so he got used to the sensation of hurting.

That hurt more. More than anything he'd ever experienced, more than anything Jed knew how to handle. The blunt a.s.sessment that he was part of the problem, that the answer to Redford's issues lay in everything he wasn't, it felt like more than a punch to the gut. Jed was fairly certain that he had a gaping hole where his chest used to be.

"He should stay here," Jed managed in a whisper, gaze locked firmly on the table in front of him, staring sightlessly down at the wood grain. "That's what you're saying. He needs to be with other wolves. Not me."

He wanted her to say no. He wanted her to change her mind and say that, no, she thought it was completely okay that a wolf and a human be together. There had to be some kind of silver lining on this s.h.i.t cloud, and Jed kept desperately hoping it would appear. Something he could do, some clear course he could map out and arrange so that everything would be fine. So that he could take Redford G.o.dd.a.m.n fishing.

"Exactly," she replied. "You are a good man, Jed, even I can see that. You make a fine partner. But you are a man. Not a wolf."

"I love him," Jed whispered, hating how much of a plea was in his voice.

At least she didn't look unsympathetic. "Then that will be hard for you. But wolves know what is better for wolves, and living with this pack would be the best thing for Redford."

"I could stay here." G.o.d, he couldn't think, he could barely breathe around the ache in his throat. "With him. I'd go native or whatever the f.u.c.k I had to."

The Gray Lady gave a short sigh. Her eyes were once again on her daughter. When she spoke, her tone was kind, but firm. "And what happens when you start to grow old and he does not? True wolves do not live as long as I, but much longer than humans. What happens when you can't run with him, when he really wants to run? What happens when your knees start creaking with the cold, and while you attempt to hide it, Redford runs circles around you, never quite understanding why you can't keep up. And what of yourself? Do you really think you could live here, among a people that are not your own? Would you be happy, hiding away? Would you be able to provide for him, give him a family, give him a true mate?"

Shoulders hunching in on himself, every word as calmly given, as skillfully aimed as a bullet, Jed didn't move for a long time. He couldn't. He'd come here for answers, for a solution, and he had one. It was simple.

He'd have to leave.

"Thank you," Jed managed to whisper, wanting to shoot her right in the f.u.c.king face for being right. For not having another way. But he stood, back straight, jaw tight, and chin lifted. He nodded at her. "Take care of him for me."

Turning on his heel, steps measured and precise, Jed marched back to the cabin. Knievel was still asleep on the bed, and he carefully loaded her into her carrier despite her meows of protest. He didn't have much there, thankfully; shoving all his clothes into a bag didn't take long. He left his maps and his weapons, his burner phone with his lists of contacts. They'd need all that in order to finish the plans for the move.

Jed was going home.

Redford almost looked happy when he stepped inside. He'd gone wolf, with a big stupid wolf grin as he turned to shut the door behind him, shaking his fur out. When he saw Jed, Redford shifted back with more ease than Jed had ever seen. Normally his change took at least a full minute. It was painful, and frankly G.o.dd.a.m.n horrible to watch.

But the shifts seemed easier now. And Jed couldn't help hearing echoes of the Gray Lady's words-Redford was more at ease with the wolf side of himself just from being in the pack. He'd made more progress here than Jed had ever managed to help him with.

"You wouldn't believe how energetic wolf kids are," Redford said, a laugh underneath his words as he tugged his jeans on. "There was a lady taking a big group of them for a run, but they all collided into me, and I wound up having to play with them for-" He paused. "Are you packing?"

His voice sounded so distant. Jed zipped up the duffel bag, hooking it over his shoulder. "I, uh, I left what you guys will need. You know who to call for transport and s.h.i.t when the pack wants to do their moving, so just give them my name and they'll treat you okay." Jed kept his eyes on the floor, away from Redford, expression remote. "I'm taking the van. Tell princess that he'll have to find his own ride back."

"What?" All of the happiness just dropped right off of Redford's face. "Jed, why are you leaving? Why are you leaving alone? I thought we were going to train the pack."

s.h.i.t. This would have been so much easier to do, f.u.c.k, in a note or hieroglyphs or smoke signals or some s.h.i.t. Not face to face. Not with Redford looking beautiful and worried and with that crease in his forehead that made Jed want to kiss away every line. "I gotta go, Fido," he managed, voice breaking. "This place, this is where you belong. And I didn't want to see it, I didn't, but come on. Who are we foolin'?" Jed forced his lips into an aching smile. "I can't be what you need. You should stay here. And I.... I have to go."

He brushed past Redford, heading out the door, keys to the van clutched so tightly in his hand he could feel them cutting into his palm. Knievel was crying in her cage, nails scratching at the sides of the carrier as if to try to get out. Jed knew the feeling.

Redford followed him. "You're leaving me," he concluded. "Jed, why-where did this come from? I love you, and I know you love me. The only reason I like it here is because you're here with me." With two quick steps, Redford bounded his way in front of Jed, stopping him in his tracks. "Why do you have to go?"

Shoulders straight, eyes fixed somewhere over Redford's left shoulder, Jed couldn't help the broken little laugh that escaped. "How was that shift for you?" he asked quietly. "Didn't seem like it hurt as much."

"It was... okay?" Redford looked like he didn't know if he was giving the right answer. "I mean, I think I'm getting better."

"I think you are too." d.a.m.n it, his voice cracked again. Jed just clenched his teeth, refusing to give in to the yawning agony starting to eat through his veins. "I think that this place is making you better. I'm not. That's why I have to go, okay? I've got to give you your best chance. This is it. Not me."

"That's not-" Redford broke off, frustrated. "Jed, can we just sit down and talk about this? Please? I can't think straight when you're packed and wanting to leave."

"There's nothing to say." He had to keep walking, he had to get the f.u.c.k out of here, because if he looked at Redford, if he had to really look at what he was going to be leaving, Jed didn't know if he'd be able to stand it. "You need someone who can be there for you-"

"You're there for me!" Redford insisted. "You've always been there for me."

"I corrupted you." Christ, he was not going to f.u.c.king cry. "I turned you into something you shouldn't have been. You're good, Redford, you are really, really f.u.c.king good. And I'm... not." Jed started walking again, hitching his bag up farther on his shoulder. "You need someone who's not going to put you in cages. Or who will keep up with you, or not get old, or, f.u.c.k, just... not me, okay? It's never going to be me."

"Jed." Oh, f.u.c.k, Redford had gotten that pleading tone in his voice. Jed hated that tone, because he could usually never resist it. "Please don't leave." Redford was following him still, light footsteps accompanying his words. "Whatever horrible things you think you did, it's not true. You're just being hard on yourself. You don't have to leave."

Redford caught up again. Jed saw him move out of the corner of his eye as Redford reached for his arm. Redford's fingers closed on the bandages, where the bite wound was, and Jed hissed in pain, instinctively jerking back. They both stood there, guilt flushing Redford's face, resignation souring in Jed's gut. "You bit me because you couldn't even think straight," Jed intoned quietly. "You ripped out that guy's throat. You were covered in his blood, and you would have killed me too. You would have killed anyone who got in your way. That's not on you, Redford. That's not your fault. It's mine. Instead of figuring out how to help you deal with s.h.i.t, I just.... I treated you like you were me. Like you were a hardened son of a b.i.t.c.h instead of who you are. And I made it worse."

"So you're leaving me because of that?" Anybody else would have sounded angry or incredulous. Redford just looked miserable. "I never expected you to solve my problems, Jed, but-but I'm sorry I got them all over you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to solve them myself."

Jesus f.u.c.k. Jed dropped his bag, he set Knievel's carrier on the ground, and he turned to grasp Redford's shoulders. "Shut up," he spat miserably. "Jesus, shut up and listen to me. You are strong. You are... f.u.c.k, you're perfect, you are brave and sweet and everything that I...." Jesus f.u.c.k, he really was crying. G.o.dd.a.m.n it. "I am leaving because I love you."

Jed's voice was thick and tight, like a string pulled back almost to the breaking point. "Because everywhere I look, the facts are piling up that I'm nothing more than a pile of s.h.i.t for you. You're going to have a good life here. You're going to figure out how to be who you are. I can't be here for that. Wish I could. G.o.d." Jed brushed his fingers across Redford's cheek. "G.o.d, you have no idea how much. But you and me, that's not good for you. So it's time I stopped being selfish and I walked away."

"If you love me, then you should stay," Redford begged.

"It's not that simple anymore, Fido." Jed picked up his bag, Knievel's cage, and made his weary way to the van. He threw his stuff inside, getting his cat settled in the front seat. "Tell the professor I'm sorry about stranding him." Pausing, swallowing hard, Jed dared a look back over his shoulder. "Good-bye, Redford."

"Jed," Redford tried, but his voice broke off and it seemed like he couldn't find any more words to say. His expression was just as effective as anything he could have said. Jed could read him like a G.o.dd.a.m.n book, and he only needed a glance to know what he was feeling. That frown was guilt, that crease at the corner of his eyes was upset, the way his eyes were wider than usual was hurt. Redford tried again. "Jed, please. Don't leave me."

d.a.m.n it.

It only took two steps to be there, to be cupping Redford's cheek and to draw him in for a kiss. It was hard and desperate. Jed thought he could taste his own tears on Redford's lips, or maybe those were Redford's on his. It didn't matter. He drew back, carefully neutral expression completely broken. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, pressing his forehead to Redford's for a moment. "I love you. G.o.d, Red, I love you so d.a.m.n much."

Which was why he had to go. Everything in Jed was fighting against it, but he wanted to do something good. To give Redford the chance he hadn't before. So Jed turned and got in the van, refusing to look back. He started the engine and drove toward the gate. He couldn't look back. If he did, if he caught one more sight of Redford looking so G.o.dd.a.m.n hurt, Jed didn't know if he'd be strong enough to keep going.

There were a few wolves at the gate, part of the pack's patrol. They let him through, and thank G.o.d no one commented on how wrecked Jed looked. He wasn't in the mood to play nice.

The nearest town was nearly two hours out, which was enough of a drive for Jed to realize he needed alcohol. Lots and lots of f.u.c.king alcohol. He hadn't gotten really blackout drunk since he'd met Redford, but now seemed like an excellent time to pick that habit back up. He found a little liquor store already open despite the early hour and stocked up. Jed didn't want to start the drive back to his place just yet. The apartment was going to be covered in Redford's things, was going to have his pillow on the bed, his clothes in the closet. Every inch of it would remind Jed that Redford was gone. So no, he was in no rush to get back there.

Instead he got himself a hotel room. It was tiny and s.h.i.tty and it smelled like mold. He didn't give a f.u.c.k. Jed locked the door, he did a sweep of the room, set up his weapons in easy to reach locations, and he started drinking.

He didn't stop until he'd pa.s.sed out, curled around an old shirt of Redford's he'd accidentally packed with him, sobbing his d.a.m.n eyes out.

Chapter 11.

Redford REDFORD RECALLED a movie that he had once seen wherein the protagonist, upon leaving home, had abandoned his dog. While driving away, the protagonist had watched in the rearview mirror as the dog grew farther and farther away, looking back at him with pitiful hope and growing disappointment. It had been as if the dog's expectations of the protagonist returning had vanished with every inch of distance.

Redford felt like that dog. He was sure Jed would laugh at the comparison.

He waited for half an hour. And with every minute, his hope that Jed would turn the van around and come back quickly withered.

When he eventually looked at his watch and saw how much time had pa.s.sed, Redford supposed he was forced to accept the fact that Jed wasn't going to come back. Not right now, anyway. He still held out hope that Jed would return later. Surely Jed couldn't actually leave him forever.

"What are you doing?" With a start, Redford looked over to find Edwin standing next to him, looking off in the same direction Redford had just been pensively staring. "What's over there?"

Over Edwin's shoulder, Redford could see the pack moving around in the camp with a greater sense of urgency than he'd previously seen-the Gray Lady had made a decision, it seemed. A few wolves were moving from cabin to cabin, and although Redford couldn't hear what they were saying, the scent of alarm was evident.

Jed probably knew what that decision was. He just wasn't here to tell Redford.

"Um. Nothing," Redford said awkwardly, his words coming out slow, like he had to spend great effort to drag them from within himself. "Jed's gone."

Edwin didn't seem to feel the need to comment on that. He continued staring where Jed's van had disappeared around the corner, shoulder to shoulder with Redford, letting the silence envelop him. It was probably the longest Redford had ever seen Edwin be still. "Do you want to tell me why?" Edwin finally asked, glancing over at Redford, s.h.a.ggy blond hair falling across his eyes.

No, actually, Redford didn't particularly want to talk about it. But he bit back the upset and replied, "I lost control and bit him, and he left." It was a concise enough summary, even if Edwin probably wouldn't know the context.

"Well, that seems stupid." Edwin didn't seem to grasp the enormity of the situation. "He knows you're a wolf, right? If Anthony left every time I bit something I wasn't supposed to, he'd be halfway to China by now."

"I'm not really a wolf," Redford said softly. He dropped his gaze from the working wolves to the gra.s.s underneath his feet. "Not like all of you."

Another long moment of quiet. This time, Edwin was squinting up at the sky, contemplating a flight of birds streaking past them. "I wonder if they all have different-colored feathers," he mused. "I mean, they all look kind of alike to us, though, right? They're just all birds. We don't know if one of them learned how to fly late or if one has the ugliest beak or if all of them have different-colored feathers. They just are birds."

"Or if one of them loses their mind every once in a while and attacks people?" Redford said wryly.

Edwin gave him a lopsided grin, totally unaffected. "Yeah. Or that." He leaned in close to Redford-and however far Redford leaned back in startlement, Edwin leaned with him, getting in to nuzzle his nose under Redford's ear, taking a deep breath. "You smell like wolf to me. So that other stuff, that's just what you have to figure out. Doesn't change that you're one of us. You're pack."

It was both the most comforting thing anybody had ever said to him and the absolute last thing Redford wanted to hear.

"That's kind of why Jed left," Redford admitted. "He said... that I needed to be here to help myself, but he didn't want to stay here with me."

Edwin's lips tugged downward into a frown, and he sighed sympathetically. "What do you think?" he prompted. "Do you think you need to be here?"

Honestly, with everything that had been happening lately, Redford hadn't had the time to think about that. He could see why being with the pack could help him-it certainly seemed to have helped already, just being around people who were completely comfortable with the nature that Redford still feared inside himself. But as a permanent solution, he didn't think he'd want to live with them.

He liked his apartment with Jed. It had been his idea to spend the full moons in the apartment, after Jed had convinced him that his grandmother's bas.e.m.e.nt wasn't doing him any good. He liked spending his full moons with Jed.

But he had to admit, the latest one had been his favorite. There had been nothing but the woods and the dirt under his paws, and Jed beside him as much as he could manage. Redford had never felt so free.

"I think it's probably been helping me more than my psychologist," Redford said, giving a mental apology to Dr. Alona. Sitting in his office or speaking with him over the phone had certainly been informative, and Redford would be forever grateful to the doctor for at least helping him keep his mind together this long. But it didn't compare to actually getting outside and feeling free.

Edwin crouched down, picking up a stick to poke at a line of ants walking past. He let the insects march onto the wood, watching as they accepted the new obstacle and kept moving. "So do you want to stay?"

"If Jed was still here I'd say yes." Redford crouched down next to Edwin, picking up a stick of his own and laying it across the path of the ants. If nothing else, it was certainly interesting to watch and a decent distraction. "I've never been good at being anywhere on my own, though."

"You're not alone," Edwin pointed out practically. He was busy gathering bits of wood and small rocks, building a fortress around the anthill. "You have us, now."

Redford didn't want to say, that doesn't count. He didn't want to be rude about it. But with Jed gone, Redford once again felt like he didn't fit here. The Lewises were nice, and they'd made every effort to make Redford feel at ease with them, but they weren't his family. They weren't his pack.

They weren't Jed.

"I'm not sure I even know how to be in a pack," Redford said honestly. "I... you and Anthony and Randall, you've been really nice, but I only met you a week ago. I don't know if it's true that wolves need packs. I've only ever needed Jed."

Edwin just smiled at him, still as friendly as ever, like nothing really could be that wrong about anything Redford was saying. "He's your mate," Edwin surmised with a nod. "Even if he is human."

"I think so," Redford replied, tentative. "I didn't really know what a mate was until this morning. Anthony explained it to Jed and me. It sounds right."

"Well, you want to be with him, right?" Edwin was busy fashioning a tiny flag out of a twig and a leaf. "Like... not just kind of. You need it. When he's not around, you get all achy, right here." He rubbed a hand over his chest.

Redford couldn't help a quick huff of a laugh. "Yeah," he agreed. The voice that his instincts had made inside his head had once called Jed mate. Redford still did think it was a slightly silly word, though. "Exactly like that."

"He's not a good match, you know," Edwin commented casually, propping his little flag on top of the barricade wall he'd made around three sides of the anthill. "I mean, I like Jed. But he's human. And that gets tough. I get why he'd leave, a little. If I thought that Ant or Randall would be happier without me, I'd go too. Even if it'd hurt."

That wasn't exactly making Redford feel any better. What was he supposed to do, just accept that Jed had left? Condone it, even? He couldn't do that. He could never be okay with the idea that Jed wouldn't be in his life anymore.

"Why does it get tough if he's human?" That notion, at least, was the one thing Edwin had said that didn't make Redford feel horrible. "He's always been even stronger than me."

"That's not true." Edwin rocked back on his heels, nose twitching as he watched the ants make their way into their fortified home. "I mean, I don't know, Jed looks like he could lift a lot of heavy things, but that's not all that makes you strong."

"I meant personality wise," Redford said. "He's confident and determined and smart. More than I am, in any of those things. Why does his being human change anything?"

"Still not what makes you strong," Edwin said, voice a happy little hum as he laid his hand down for the ants to march across. "But humans are... tricky." He looked up, a smile touching the corners of his lips. "Anthony and Randall are both better at this than I am. They'd probably get mad at me. I mean, Ant always told me that we're all equal. But we're kind of not too, you know? I've heard what some of the naturals have said, the half bloods and stuff, and I don't know, some of it makes sense. Jed's not going to live as long as you, for one. But you age slower too. So in twenty years, he'll be old, and you'll be not even in your prime. You'll want kids. I mean, not every wolf does, but I bet you will. And Jed can't really do what a pack needs to do. He can't run with you on full moons, not like another wolf. He can't hunt with you. And he doesn't get your instincts." Edwin's attention returned to the ants. "It just seems like it'd be really hard."

Redford couldn't help but remember, back when he'd first met the Lewises, how Edwin had used none-too-kind language toward humans. He didn't seem like he genuinely wanted all the humans gone, but he did possibly believe that they weren't equal, and that the supernatural creatures came out on top of that equality argument.

He could kind of see where Edwin was coming from. Some of that was true-Redford would age slower, and Jed wouldn't forever be able to keep up with him. But the rest of it, frankly, just sounded like personal issues. Jed was smart; he would get his instincts if they were properly explained. And the need for a pack? Redford had never felt it. He'd grown up alone, and while he'd longed for company, Jed fulfilled every single need for family and love.

"And what happens when one half of a mate pairing isn't around anymore?" Redford asked glumly. "Anthony told us about his, um, well, what happened to him. He looked miserable."

"He is." There wasn't a smile hovering around Edwin's lips at that. He slowly drew his hand back, making sure the ants were all in place and undisturbed. "Sometimes I honestly think that if it hadn't been for me and Randall, Ant would have just stopped. Or gone after him. Either way, he wouldn't be here." Edwin shrugged. "Maybe that's why everyone says not to fall for a human. It's too scary to think about them being gone."

Redford couldn't exactly go back in time and prevent himself from meeting Jed, and even if he could, he wouldn't want to. Jed had made his life so much better. n.o.body other than Jed had showed even the slightest interest in caring about him.

Jed hadn't been the first person to visit Redford's house after his grandmother had died. Distant family had turned up at his door, mailmen with packages delivered to the wrong address, repairmen, next-door neighbors. None of them had even looked at him twice. But Jed had. Jed had looked and had seen him, and Redford had fallen in love so quickly it had made his head spin.

And he couldn't just simply make himself stop loving Jed, could he?