"Same old Bill, eh Mable!" Part 6

I got to start in forgettin my French now an begin on Dutch. I bet I talk pigen Inglish when I get home. I dont have much trouble with languiges tho. I can say quite a few things already like "Ya" and "Nine" an "Vas iss." Thats all right if your Just out for a social time but it aint any good in commershul life.

Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your letters.

yours disgustedly Bill

Dere Mable: We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It was Friday the 13th but the bridge held up in spite of it. The Rine didnt look like much to me. Im not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin for three days an it would take an awful lot of water in one place to make much impreshun on me.

We all thought we was goin to a town by the name of Coblence. The Mess sargent had told us everybody was to have a room to himself an that most of the time when we wasnt at the movies wed be canoin up an down the river. The armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier get near anything thats worth while h.e.l.l take it to pieces an cart it away. So they saved Coblence by goin around it.

That night we stuck the horses and guns in the front yard of a Chatto. It looked more like Central Park to me. The fello that owned the place was standin at the gate when we came in. He had on a green felt hat with the edges curled up like a derby an a feather stuck in it. I wouldnt have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I bet he was as glad to see us as the meesels. A regiment of field artilery walkin around your front yard aint no gra.s.s cultivator.

This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. The town is built round a big cliff. On top is the ruins of an old ca.s.sel. Some of the town tried to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half way. In the house where Im bilited the front door is where it ought to be an the back door opens onto the street from the third floor. I can hear your mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Mable, an see who that is knockin at the back door."

Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its very beautiful an full of tin cans. The sides are all bricked up. The Fritzes would make the trees grow square if they could. The hills go straight up all around us. I dont know how the stream ever got in here or how were goin to get out. It certinly is a useful place for artilery. About the only thing you could shoot out of here would be a skyrocket.

They told us we was goin to have yesterday to ourselves. Then the last minit they made us all take a bath. In the army they dont give you credit for knowin how or when to take a bath. They have a corperal there to show you. The one they had on the job yesterday must have learned from a correspondence school.

You dont get into a bath here. You take it out of something an spread it over you. This time theyd heated a big kettle of water in a wood shed. You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over you an the rest over your close. Just about the time youve got a good lather worked up the corperal says "Come on. Hurry up an get your close on. Your eight minits is up." Ford ought to get hold of that fello. Hed have them poppin out of the factory like corn out of a roaster.

I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me an Angus both took one the day after the armistice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keep a man fit like keepin clean as the poets say.

Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They havnt got as much spirit as a bottle of near beer. All they do is take off there hats to us like we was a bunch of ladies an say "Tag." I thought first they was sayin "Dog." I went to the Captin an ast him if I could clean up with the next fello that said it.

"THEY TAKE OFF THERE HATS TO US"

The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for Howdy. Then I ast him if I could clean up half a dozen of them anyway just to get them started on the right lines. He says "Smith, if you try any of your back alley sanitashun around here youll be cleanin up around the gard house as quick as we get one." He thinks hes awful funny. Thats the way it goes, tho, Mable. One day your a quitter if you dont throw everything but the kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want you to kiss him.

Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty two fennigs for. I dont know wether that was a bargin or a fortune. I never seen any places like these but they give you a good idear of the country. I got to quit now cause there linin up for mess. If I ever get out of this army I wont stand in line agen if they was handin out five dollar bills. If you want to go to the movies with me you got to go early an avoid the rush.

Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry Crismus cause its liable to be his last. His only chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaks out agen.

Until it does yours Bill

Dere Mable: Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get anyplace tho. Why they stopped here when there is a road goin right thru is more than I can figger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I guess most of them was built as soon as the flood was dried out enuff sos they could lay the foundashuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in Germany. A place that wed be puttin bronze tablets on they think has just been built.

They seem to be short on everything over here. From what I seen they live mostly on potadoes. The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Our guns is parked in a field an if we stay here much longer well have to blast to get them out.

The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off an we can say where we are. The only thing we cant do is criticize the army. I dont know where we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not much to rite about.

We sleep in rooms now insted of barns. The Dutch dont seem to care much. I can hear your mother if four tramps came walkin into her front parlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old fello that owns the room thinks were crazy because we have to open our windos every night. He told Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a fire for us cause when he spent the whole evenin gettin the room full of heat wed open the windo an let it all out. When we first got into that room I guess it had the original heat his granfather put in it.

Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose theyll let us sleep half an hour extra for a Crismus present an then forget to tell the buglers like they did last year. About all it amounted to was standin around in the rain half an hour longer for mess.

I havnt had my feet under a table now in four months. Theyve gotten so big since I been wearin these army shoes that I dont know if theyll go under any more. When I get home Ill probably pile my whole dinner in a soup plate an take it out in the back yard.

All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good to get my food seperated agen. These fellos would pour your coffee over your dinner if there was any room. When you come up to the kitchin the first K.P. sticks a piece of meat in the bottom of your mess kit. Thats a sort of a foundashun. Then a spoonful of loose potadoes. .h.i.t it like a soft nose bullet an thats the last you see of your meat. The next fello covers that with a quart of gravy an sticks a pickle in the top with his thum like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with a piece of bread slammed on like a cover. Angus says its a wise man that knows his own dinner unless hes got a good memory.

"LEVELS IT OFF WITH A PIECE OF BREAD"

Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, tho, in less time than it takes to chew it. You got to be fast if you want any seconds. Some of these fellos must store up there food like squirrels cause there finished an back in the line before its moved ten places. Theres always some smart alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes just come up from the picket line. We got a mess sargent tho that makes Shylock Homes look like a night watchman. He could tell yesterdays greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit with sandpaper.

The Fritzes are more balled up on there money than the French. These fellos dont even know what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know wether marks make fennigs or fennigs make marks. I know they both make me tired. Its about as easy to buy anything here as it is to check up a Chinese lawndry bill. They tell you the price of a thing in fennigs an marks. Then you got to figger that into franks an figger what its all worth in United States. Just to give your mind a little exercise fennigs an marks aint the same more than five minites. Everybody has there own idear of what there worth an the fello thats doin the sellin never has the same idear that you have.

The first time I bought a gla.s.s of beer in Germany it took me so long to pay for it I almost got arrested for bein out after taps. We never did decide the thing. The reason none of these fellos over here never get spiffed is because they make you pay after every drink. Youd be more likely to die of thirst.

I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad you an your mother did as I told you an didnt pay any atenshun to those slips I sent you for curiosities. If thered been any chance of sendin you anything Id have done it. You dont want to feel bad about that tho, cause this idear of looking at Crismus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly hope you have a merry Crismus. Youll probably get this letter sometime in August.

Yours optimistically Bill

Dere Mable: Another Crismus an New Years has gone by. I wonder where theyll pick out for me to spend my next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografy an see what places are left. One of these days I may be able to get a furlo for Crismus if we happen to be fightin some country right near home. Then I can tell you how all the different nashuns spend there holidays.

I knew thered be some string on sleepin late Crismus mornin. The day before there was a couple of fellos late to revelry. They were fellos whod never done any work anyway so I couldnt see how it mattered much. The Captin said hed been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clock Crismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry wed have to keep on practisin gettin up at six. It seems to me if a fello dont know how to do that now he never will. If I get up at six the first Crismus I spend home itll be six in the evening you can bet.

Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave each fello a little box marked "Greetins from the Folks at Home." Only they didnt say whose folks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets an chockolate an the like. Angus thinks theres something foney about it somewhere. He says like as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or our A Lot Meants. Angus would think you had some axe to grind if you pulled him out of a burnin buildin.

"THEY LINED US ALL UP"

We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take care of the horses an "the usual policin." That left me with almost an hour in the middle of the day without anything to do. I was goin to rite you a letter but I felt kind of drowsy. Ever since I been in the army Ive said that my first duty was to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. Thats me all over, Mable.

The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is because some horse stepped on my foot the other day an I cant walk. It wasnt any accident. That horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for me ever since I brushed his teeth with a curry brush. The more I see of horses the more I want to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must have learned about horses in a carpenter shop. Im goin to rite a book about them when I get home that will put the S.P.C.A. out of business. I got to stop ritin now an answer sick call with my foot. Yesterday they gave me some pills. I suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell me its my stummick thats out of order.

Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur post card from you in two weeks. I hope that fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im still a gentleman but if I ever catch him moldin your hammick around his figger-well, Mable, Id talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed already.

yours doubtfully till I hear Bill

Dere Mable: I got the first real news for you Ive had since I joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. Theres an outfit on its way up here now to relieve us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of weeks longer an then no more square heads, no more flannel bandages around my legs, no more engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right at first. I expect Ill feel like I was A.W.O.L. an run around the corner every time I see a policeman. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of ever startin any more wars an his names Smith. If I ever have a son an he so much as starts off with his left foot hes goin to have the worst lickin you ever heard of.

A General inspected us today. I cant help feelin sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her time lookin for a new hired girl. If he ever said anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats his own young.

Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over to hang no wreaths around n.o.bodies neck. So we all slicked up pretty well to humor him.

Everything would have gone off as well as you could have expected if it hadnt been for that horse. A jokes all right in its place but its place aint under a General. The horse was so big that the General like to have bust gettin up. As soon as he got set the horse took a couple of steps. Then he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a groan.

Of course it was all off then. By the time hed coaxed that horse up to the battery he was so sore hed have found rust on the perly gates an put Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved.

When he got around to my seckshun I thought he was about due to be out of breath. I had a little rip in my pants that I hadnt had time to sew up. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee stickin thru. That fello could see a hole in your undershirt tho. When he came up to me he looked me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt care much about. Then he says to the Captin "What do you mean by lettin a man stand inspeckshun like that?"

The Captin looked at me surprised like hed never seen me before. Then he turns to the sargent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why was that man permitted to stand inspeckshun in that condishun." They all talk as if they were doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun. Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask n.o.bodies permishun.

The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt like I hadnt ast for a new pair thirty seven times. After the General had put the whole battery under arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he sighed like a fello that everybodies agenst. Then he turns to the corperal an says "What the this an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you big s.p.a.ce filler?"

So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin the streets for a couple of days. About all there is left for me is to go around an kick a few horses in the stummick after dark.

The funny part about it is that everybody knew there hadnt been no pants ishued since we got here. Half the fellos in the battery is comin thru in places the General couldnt see because he was mounted. That dont make no difference. A fellos knees aint got no rights in this mans army. I wish I was a Lady from h.e.l.l an I wouldnt have to bother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. I dont guess youll get it.

They call this pa.s.sin the buck. In the army they got it fixed up so that nothin aint ever n.o.bodies fault. Its always on the next fello down. That works out pretty good unless you happen to be on the bottom step like me. I dont know why they call it pa.s.sin the buck. I never saw it pa.s.s him yet.

Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was good of you to send it after all I said. At least a good part of it came considerin one end of the box was gone. There was enuff left to give me an idear of what had been in it. The only reason that any of it got here was because theyd set so many things on top of it that some of the stuff got kind of baled an stuck to the insides.

The thing that struck us most was the size of the box. Whoever got that up must have thought that the folks at home was goin to send us jewelrey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it wasnt your falt. Joe took it kind of hard tho cause he forgot to send any slips home an he was kind of countin on me.

I got six letters from you all at once a couple of days ago. You must carry them around in your pocket a week or two like I do when anybody gives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about anything tho when I read that Archie Wainwright had gone an married that little snub nosed thing across the street. I guess he must have been tipped off that n.o.bodied given him the freedom of the city. Some reason or other tho I feel madder at him than I did before. I guess theres got to be a casulty when I get home anyway.