"Same old Bill, eh Mable!" Part 2

In the meantime still Bill

Dere Mable: After travelin for three nites we dont seem to be any nearer the front than we ever was. Ether the Fritzes are retreatin in trucks or were goin the wrong way. The only reason were not marchin tonite is because when we got into this town the Captin found a chatto for his P.C. P.C. is military, Mable. It means a place for the Captin. Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly, says hes got one of those limosine beds with a roof an sides on it. Its so big it dont make any difference how you lie on it. If all he says about it is true we may stick around for the rest of the war.

"MIKE WHOZIS, THE CAPTINS ORDERLY"

Well, never mind. Sailor Gare as the French say. Thats some old pirate they blame everything on over here.

A bunch of prisoners came in last nite. They must have surrounded half the German army cause it looked like a decorashun day parade when the M.P. brought them in. If they make another hawl like that well have about as much to fire at up at the front as we did back on the range. Id never seen any Fritzes so Angus an I went down to the pen this afternoon to see if they were breakin the child labor law or had any wimmin with machine guns tied to them like you read about.

The pen is just a bunch of barracks not much better than the place where we sleep. They got a lot of barb wire an an M.P. around it. The Fritzes didnt look very wild to me. More like a bunch of stashun porters out of a job. We tried to argu the M.P. into lettin a few of them go at a time sos we could catch them agen but he took the war awful serious.

I got in wrong with the Captin agen today. This army is something like gamblin. Whichever way you decide your bound to lose sooner or later. Youd think that the only reason a fello would give you food was because he expected you to eat it. Thats because you dont know the army. The other day they ishued each fello what they called Irun Rashuns. That means a can of petrified crackers an a can of gold fish. Its not a bad name for the crackers. Your supposed to tote around your Irun Rashuns with you wherever you go. The only thing is that you mustnt eat them.

When they handed them out the Captin said we wasnt ever to eat them unless we absolutely had to. As if anybody in his right mind would. Im all for obeyin orders tho when it dont conflict with my duty. Joe Balderose ate his half an hour after breakfast and then wanted me to split with him on mine. I says "No. Not till I absolutely have to. An then Ill be so far gone that you wont have a look in." I waited till hap past ten tho I was gettin awful weak the last half hour. Youd ought to have heard the Captin when he saw me. Youd have thought I was eatin some of his old harness.

As far as I can see, Mable, its just another of his ways of pa.s.sin the buck. If General Perishing should happen to find one of us starved to death some mornin he wants to be able to show him we had plenty of food on us when we slipped away. Hes smart all right, that fello.

You cant tell what may happen before I have a chance to rite agen but we wont cross any bridges before we leap as the poets say.

Yours to the last crum Bill

Dere Mable: Were on the front at last in what they call a quiet sector. Most of the soldiers round this place is French. I understand there pretty sore at the Americans cause some of them came up here and began shootin up the Germans. Of course you cant have a decent war if n.o.bodies goin to pay any atenshun to the rules.

The worst part of the war is gettin to it. I been rained on so much the last week I feel like an old sponge. Every nite weve been marchin along thru the pitch dark with trucks an guns an everything else that rattles poundin along on each side.

n.o.body could strike a light durin the whole trip. Then when we get to this place the Frenchmen that we were goin to relieve came out in the road with lanterns to see who we were. Its a wonder the Captin didnt make us crawl up on our hands an knees.

We finally got the guns in posishun. How we found the place in the dark is more than I can tell. Were in the middle of a ruined village. It looks like those picturs of old Greek office buildins that hangs in the high school hall. Its funny, Mable, but the first real rest Ive had since I got in the army is since Ive got to the front. The only livin thing we see is rats an airyplanes. The archies shoot all day at the planes but it dont seem to bother them much. They just sail along like a limosine with a lot of little dogs tryin to bite off the tires. I guess if they ever hit one the shock would kill the gun crew as quick as it would the pilot.

Our guns is pointed at a hill right in front of us. Every mornin we fire a few shots at this an then spend the rest of the day cleanin the guns. If they used these guns as much as they clean them the war would have been over long ago. Toward evenin the Fritzes return the complement. Everybody comes out to see where they land but they must fire them up in the air cause n.o.bodies ever been able to find out yet. When your not cleanin the gun or on gard you have to stay down in your dugout sos the airyplanes wont see you. Theyve got to be awful quick if they want to get a sight of me. Ive got the deepest dugout except for the Captin. When the Top sargent wants a detail you can bet hes not goin to clime down fifty steps after one Buck private.

Ive found the first real use for my tin derby. The fello that invented these dugouts couldnt seem to decide wether to put in stairs or a ladder so he split the difference. Right across the top of the entrance he put a nice sharp beam. Its fixed so that it gets you in the chin goin down an on the top of the head comin up. Hed have split more than the difference long ago if it hadnt been for that tin derby of mine.

"IVE FOUND THE FIRST REAL USE FOR MY TIN DERBY"

Marv Motel, whats gunner on my piece, is busy all day fixin things up. He says if were goin to be here the rest of our lives we mights well have things homelike. He dug up an old rug an a lace curtin somewhere that the Germans had missed. The rug hes got in the gun pit an the curtin over the trail of the gun to set the barrage sh.e.l.l on. They keep a sh.e.l.l ready all the time in case somebody starts a battle without the usual weeks notice. Marvs got it shined up like a young doctors door plate. Every nite he raps it up an put an old one in its place. Angus says when he gets time hes goin to carve the names of the gun crew on the side sos we can take it back an give it to some museum.

Well, Mable, you might as well take down your service flag. I guess the only action Ill ever see is when I get home an meet Archie Wainwright.

Yours till theres something doin Bill

Dere Mable: Well, you can take your service flag out of moth b.a.l.l.s agen. An if the Fritzes try any more monkey bisiness like they did this mornin you can buy a can of radiator paint for the star.

Angus an I was standin outside the dugout finishin our mornin goldfish an plannin a few correkshuns for the army when a boiler exploshun happened right behind us. After things had quieted down a bit I looked out from behind a piece of old stone wall where I seemed to be lyin, to see if there was anything left for identificashun. I saw a foot layin outside the dugout. I knew it belonged to Angus cause hes the only man in the army with one like it. I was just goin to pick it up thinkin his family might like it to remember him by when another foot came out. Then the whole of him. Hed crawled under an old pawlin that had been spread out to dry. This war certinly has proved that fish aint a brain food. Outside of bein a little mussed up from a mud pubdle hed found under the pawlin he seemed all right. When I ast him if he was lookin for anything, tho, he got all worked up. The Skotch is awful emoshunal.

While we was standin there wonderin wether somebodied been smokin in bed in the amunishun dug out another boiler blew up right in front of us. At least I think it was in front as near as I could tell from the bottom of the dug out stairs. Angus saved my life that time cause we both happened to go down the stairs together an I went down on top of Angus.

"ANOTHER BOILER BLEW UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF US"

Marv Motel was asleep down in the dug out. He got awful sore an wanted to know how a fello was ever goin to get any rest with a bunch of this an that fools rough housin around all day. Then came two more black hand awtrocities. Angus swears the second one rocked the dug out so his mess kit slid right offen the table. Things quieted down after that so we went out finally to see if we could pick up any soovenirs out of the wreck.

Well, Mable, Id have bet anybodies money before I went out that none of those shots had lit more than ten feet away. It took us half an hour tho before we could locate all the holes. When we did they was all about a hundred yards away. The funny part about it was that there was one in front and back an one on each side of the battery.

The Captin came out of his dug-out while we was lookin at them. I guess hed been down there doin some deep thinkin. He looked them over like he was Shylock Homes or somebody. Then he said that was an old Fritz trick to put a shot on all four sides of a battery. Some day when he had lots of amunishun hed split the diference. All I can say is that when he starts splittin Im goin to set a new rekord down these dug out stairs wether Angus is there to ride on or not.

Nothins happened since so weve all been hopin that those was just four old shots that the Germans wanted to get rid of. A truck came in last nite with a lot of bread an a quarter of a cow done up in burlap like summer furniture so everybodies forgot the war in favor of a roast beef dinner.

It certinly is goin to make me laugh, Mable, if I should ever get home an see those sines about bread all done up in tishue paper what aint never touched human hands since the fello that rapped it up. Over here they handle bread like coal only a little rougher not havin any shoots an things.

Our bread comes in round loaves like the French. Its handier to carry an dont bust so easy when it hits things. Ive seen the doboys bore a hole in the middle and sling a loaf over there shoulder with a piece of string like a pair of feel gla.s.se. I suppose theyll be gettin out an order pretty soon about which side your to wear your bread on.

After all Ive eat tho I aint dead yet. Of course thats no permanent health certifikate.

I started this letter early this mornin. Now its almost nite agen. A fello never can get any work done without gettin interupted in the army. I got to quit now cause I was supposed to relieve Marv Motel on gard half an hour ago sos he could get his supper. I guess he wont mind when he finds out weve gone back to gold fish agen.

yours till they split the diference Bill

Dere Mable: We fooled the Fritzes by pullin out of that last place before theyd had a chance to split the diference. We came back to this little town for what they call a rest. That word "rest" dont mean the same thing as the one we use. For instance when an oficer comes into the room everybodys supposed to jump up like theyd been sittin on a tack. Then he says "Rest." Youd naturally think he meant lie down an take it easy for an hour or so. All he means is that you dont have to stand like a windo dummie.

An then agen when your standin in line an somebody says "Parade rest." Insted of lyin down in the gra.s.s somewhere an takin a smoke you grab hold of your thums an stick one foot in front of the other like those old fotografs of your grandfather in the alb.u.m.

The worst kind of rest tho is when you get back in a place like this. That means eight hours a day scrubbin guns an drillin an smoothin out horses. If that doesnt seem to set you on your feet you stand gard all nite.

The Bilitin oficer likes this place. Hes got my gun squad in a barn with half the roof shot off an the other half awful undecided. It isnt the part thats gone we mind so much as the part thats left. Id hate to come all this way just to interfere with a brick. Everybody wears there tin derby to bed at nite.

Payday came along this mornin. In the afternoon a couple of doboys came along that had just been paid to. Me an Angus took them on for a friendly game right off the Main street. It was rainin an the wind was blowin cats an dogs but we had most of the doboys money an they didnt seem to want to go till we had it all so n.o.body minded the wether much. Angus had just pa.s.sed six times an about all the money we had was bet when there was a swish like a punctured tire an everything seemed to blow up all around.

There is times in this world when you dont stop to figger what n.o.body owes you. When I looked up agen I could see where it had lit in an old wreck across the street. The next thing I noticed was that the doboys an all the money was gone. We never did find out wether they was blown up or skipped.

Were goin to move out of here now in a day or two. The Captin says were goin to a more active sector.

Yours till you read it in the papers Bill

Dere Mable: Were in a new posishun. That sounds like those vawdevel fellos that paint themselves gold an stand on one leg or a hired girl. It aint nothin like that tho. In the army a posishun is anywhere your guns happen to be. Just now ours is in a woods an a couple of feet of mud.

The horses is showin wear to. If theyd done half the work I have theyd be wearin a tin jacket labeled corn Willie long ago. Most of them is so thin you could hang your hat on there hips an there ribs would make a good letter file.

Every horse has got a gas mask tied under his chin. They think there nose bags an pretty near break there necks tryin to get at them. Ive showed my horse his mask open an everything. He doesnt seem to catch on tho. Thats the trouble with these French horses. You cant make them understand.

The Captin sent me back in the woods on a little undertakin job today. Lem Wattles horse had succeeded in dyin after bein at it for two weeks. It was the only thing he ever put any effort in. Just to look at him you wouldnt see what took him so long. That horse just couldnt do anything quick tho. It seems Im always buryin horses. There so darn contrary theyll drag themselves for miles just to die at my feet.

We was sittin on the corps restin a while before we started to work when we heard one of those high powered wash boilers go off back by the guns. A minit later another landed. We postponed the funeral an went back to collect the identificashun tags. One sh.e.l.l had lit right behind my gun an thrown mud all over it. The other had planted itself in a field just outside the woods.

Now we got to pull out of here tonite an go somewhere else like a fello tryin to sleep on a park bench.

A lot of the fellos families is givin there letters to the newspapers. Sometimes they print there picturs with them. Lem Wattles what never had his name in the paper before except when he used to get arrested, showed me a piece about two feet long with his face on top. Of course none of the things he rote about ever happened. He was back at trainin camp when he rote them. Lem will fight if you call him a liar tho.

"LEM WATTLES WHAT NEVER HAD HIS NAME IN THE PAPER"

I dont mean this as a hint to you to give my letters to the papers cause Im tryin to avoid publicity.

Im goin to turn in now a fighter cant get to much sleep. Besides I was on gard last nite an my brains seem to be dead today.