Risk Assessment Part 14

'Yeah,' said Rhys. 'But company law actually forbids. . .'

Huw raised the cigarette to his lips.

'... health and safety,' Rhys finished feebly. 'Oh, go on.'

'We're there, mate,' Huw said. Lighting up.

'I am such a softie,' Rhys sighed. He switched on the communicator Jack had given him. 'Ah, Axl Rose to Red Hot Command. Chilli Peppers are in position. We are ready to rock. Over.'

Huw snorted loudly. Rhys glared at him. 'Could you wind down that window? Slightly asthmatic.'

Huw saluted with the cigarette. 'Aye aye, sir.'

Gwen listened to her radio in disbelief. 'What did Rhys just say?'

'I picked the names,' said Jack defensively. 'Not my fault he fell for them.'

Ianto smiled. 'Well, I think we're all pleased you've got over your Abba fixation.'

'Oh, come on,' said Jack. 'What's the point of Rhys if we can't have a little fun with him?'

Gwen looked at the swollen tumour of the Vam, shuddering as it slid down towards Cardiff. Then she saw the smile on Jack's face, and she grinned too. 'I don't know what you've got planned. . .'

'No one ever does. That's my charm.'

'... but can I issue the order?' Her voice glittered dangerously.

Jack looked at the six trucks bearing down on the Vam from both sides of the road. 'Go on.'

Gwen reached for her radio.

'This is Groupie One to Axl Rose and the Chilli Peppers. Let's make some noise!'

Gwen's voice filled the cabin. Rhys gave a little whoop and flicked a switch connected to the tiny stubby little thing on the front of his truck.

And the world shuddered. The air around the Vam rippled like a hot day. And the noise! Or rather it wasn't so much a noise as. . . Gwen tried to focus on what was happening, but her eyes danced in her head, the fluid in her eyeb.a.l.l.s shaking. In the watering distance she could see the road, the trucks and the Vam, but everything danced and bulged. And the noise built and built in her head, like an untuned radio echoing and echoing over and over.

'... 8. . . 9. . .' yelled Rhys. The earphones were in place but still he was trying not to cry out at the sound rattling his brain.

'10!' he shouted.

And then cut the switch.

Huw stubbed out his cigarette and grinned. 'Phew,' he said.

Ianto and Gwen ran to keep up with Jack. They were converging on the Vam which still twisted and shuddered. Jack was rattling off an explanation as he thundered across the tarmac.

'Not a lot of people know this, but forty years ago the good people of Mars tried invading. Fiiinally. n.o.bility factor: 10, but Resistance to Flame Throwers: 1. They had these really neat sonic cannons on their armour. Now, I figured, that thing is basically just vicious jelly. And what does jelly do best? Wobble. And we also learnt that the Vam is protected through a network of tightly woven molecules which. . .'

'Vibrate!' yelled Gwen.

'And, if you can make them vibrate all the more with a good whack of sound, then. . .'

'We can destroy it.'

Jack shook his head. 'Sadly, no. This thing is much better than that. But we can use a few blasts to keep it confused. It will fight back, but if we can make it think that this is the best we've got. . .'

As they pelted up to it, the side of the Vam split like a ripe apricot, revealing Agnes Havisham sitting cross-legged on the road.

Brushing invisible dirt from herself, she smiled broadly. 'Captain,' she beamed. 'I knew you could always be relied upon to betray me.'

'I'm an open book to you, Agnes,' said Jack with mock hurt. 'Hug?'

Agnes stood up. 'Not just now, thank you,' she tutted, 'My personal force field is still on.'

Jack nodded. 'Thought you'd have something like that.'

'Nonsense,' Agnes chuckled. 'You hoped I would give it indigestion.'

Jack gave a shrug.

Gwen was hugging Rhys as he climbed down from the truck.

'Not in trouble am I?' he laughed.

'Oh, b.l.o.o.d.y loads,' she a.s.sured him.

Ianto Jones stood alone in front of the beast.

'Er,' he said. 'It's not dead yet.'

'Didn't doubt that for a moment,' boomed Jack. 'Great big s.p.a.ce blob like that? It wouldn't be giving us the whole "None-who-hear-my-name-shall-live" nonsense if it could be carried off by a sonic blast. I can name at least two people who would have tried that first off. But I figured it's had to rebuild itself, so it would be weak.'

Jack was right. The Vam was weak and reeling and surprised. It had been a long time since someone had. . . How long? No answer rattled back along its molecular network. It sensed a weakness and it rallied. It grouped all its strength into its external shielding and reared up. It would crush these specimens, and make an example. The Vam must show no mercy!

Rhys stood watching the shuddering ma.s.s.

Huw leaned out of the cab. 'Don't get too close, mate, will you?' he said.

Rhys looked at it. Nothing more than several tonnes of foul jelly. He had an idea. Jack had said something about a protective shield. He wondered. . .

'Huw, mate?' he called up to the cab. 'Don't suppose you've got a match, have you?'

Gwen yelled with fear and anger as the lit match dropped onto the quivering ma.s.s of the Vam.

Thankfully, nothing happened. The external energy net remained intact.

'Hmm,' said Jack. 'There's a reason we don't use him for intelligence operations.'

'So,' said Agnes. 'We give the creature one more chance?'

Jack looked at her in surprise. 'Someone is giving monsters an easy time these days.'

Agnes risked a rueful grin. 'We could let it eat Cardiff and then see if it wants to talk. If only we could harness it. . .'

Jack nodded. 'I know. But humanity's got itself into such a mess with the climate. . . Well, they don't deserve an easy way out of it. Especially not one that gives them all the oil they could want.'

'You'll get letters for that,' admonished Agnes gently.

'Hush,' sighed Jack. 'Let's kill El Blobbo Magnifico.'

The Vam heaved itself up over them, wobbling fiercely.

'I trust you have a plan, Harkness?' asked Agnes.

'Yup,' said Jack. He pulled a small device from his greatcoat pocket. 'Welcome to a miracle of modern medicine. You see-'

The Vam towered until it blocked out the sky and then began to pour down towards them.

'Explain later,' snapped Agnes.

Jack aimed the machine and pushed a b.u.t.ton. 'Bleep,' he said.

'Behold the feast of the Vam!' roared the Vam happily to itself.

Ianto's worst ever birthday party had included a food fight.

Watching drunken, rowing parents throw trifle at each other in a screaming fury while he gathered his friends to him, shielding as many as possible from being hit by a stray pickled onion. He never ever wanted to see that much mess covering so many people again.

Gwen had always loved that moment in Carry On Carry Ons when Sid James fell into slurry, before emerging, wiping slime from his face while laughing his cheap-f.a.g laugh.

Captain Jack Harkness had stared death in the face so many times. But it had so many faces, he never got bored of it.

Agnes Havisham wished she'd brought her parasol with her.

Much to its own surprise, the Vam died.

It exploded in a shuddering tower of black sticky diesel that spread out in a whirling oily mist that poured up across the road, the surrounding gra.s.s banks, and covered a nearby beach. After billions of deaths across millennia, the Vam ended suddenly in a foul-smelling cloud that drifted across about three miles.

'Cowing lush,' said Rhys.

'This suit is ruined,' sighed Ianto.

After about thirty seconds it stopped raining petrol and the air cleared, leaving behind a startling stench.

Jack started yelling at once. 'Wipe it off your skin! Keep it out of your eyes!'

'Your concern is noted,' gasped Agnes, cutting a remarkable figure in oil-soaked crinolines.

Jack turned to Rhys. 'Thank you, Mr Williams. I suggest you get your people out of here.'

'Mr Williams?' Agnes's attention was roused. 'Well, how pleasant to meet you.' They shook filthy hands. 'You are terribly lucky in your choice of helpmeet,' continued Agnes. 'Although I had hoped we would meet looking less like navvies.'

'Er,' said Rhys. 'Charmed.' And then he curtsied.

Agnes turned to Gwen. 'Sweet,' she whispered.

'Rhys,' continued Jack, feeling undermined again. 'Can you get your men out of here? This is going to be the mother of all clean-up operations.'

Rhys saluted. 'Right-ho, chief. Let me know when you next need your a.r.s.e saving. Come on, lads.' He attempted a heroic stride back to his truck, slipped slightly, and covered the last few paces gingerly. He waved jauntily, collected his men, and walked down towards the distant cordons.

'My husband,' sighed Gwen.

They all watched him go.

Jack stood there, a grin on his face and an expectant look.

'Very well, Harkness,' sighed Agnes. 'You are dying for us to ask you.'

Jack held up the object he'd used to destroy the Vam.

'Owen's alien surgical thingy!' gasped Gwen, turning to Agnes. 'I was pregnant once, you see-'

'Indeed?' Agnes's tone was steely.

'Oh yeah, alien succubus thing. And Owen, our doctor, used it to destroy my alien love child without invasive surgery. You just point it at a body and it. . . ah. . .'

Jack nodded happily. 'Exactly. The sonic cannons weakened the external bonding sh.e.l.l on that creature. I banked that it would divert energy to its external shielding. And then I just used the famously tricksie Singularity Scalpel on a dangerously wide setting to shatter its innards. It was once evil diesel from outer s.p.a.ce now it's just an oil slick.'

'Very good,' admitted Agnes. 'Very good.' And then she went silent, brooding.

Jack missed the signals and boomed on. 'You see, Aggie, this is how Torchwood Cardiff operates. We're rough, we're messy, but we're brilliant.'

'Hear! Hear!' Gwen and Ianto toasted him, and they all giggled.

'I understand,' said Agnes tautly. 'You see me as a foolish anachronism, don't you?'

'I'm not putting words in your mouth,' Jack smiled sweetly. 'Takes one to know one.'

'Touche,' Agnes looked pained. 'I still think. . . No, never mind.' She glanced at her watch. 'If you'll excuse me.' Turning her back on him, she started to walk away.

'No, don't mention it. All part of the service, ma'am!' yelled Jack after her.

'Jack!' hissed Gwen, furiously. 'Don't gloat.'

'It's not a particularly good look on you,' said Ianto quietly.

Jack coughed, embarra.s.sed.