Retief - Retief of the CDT Part 6

"Stay!" Hoobrik yelled. "Is there no end to these torments?"

"Certainly," Retief rea.s.sured the aroused leader. "After you retire, you become a Statesman, and are allowed out on alternate All Fools' Days to be queried as to your views on any subject sufficiently trivial to grace the pages of the Sunday Supplements."

"Arrrhh!" Hoobrik growled, and drained his mug. "See here, Retief," he said. "On pondering the matter, methinks 'twould be a gracious gesture on my part to take second place on the ticket and let a younger Tsugg a.s.sume party leadership; you, for example, Blash," he addressed the subchief.

"Who, me?" the latter blurted. "Nay, my liege-as I've said before, I am not now and do not intend to be a candidate!"

"Who, then?" Hoobrik waved his arms in agitation. "We need a Tsugg who'll appeal to a broad spectrum of voters! A good scimitar-man, for beating down opposition inside the party, a handy club-wielder to bring in the Independents, a cool hand with a dirk, for committee infighting..." He paused, looking suddenly thoughtful.

"Well, I'll leave you gentlemen to look over the lists," Retief said, rising. "May I tell the Amba.s.sador to expect you at the post-election victory reception?"

"We'll be there," Hoobrik said. "And I think I have a sure-fire Tsugg standard-bearer in mind to pull in the vote..."

9.

In the varicolored glow of the lights strung in the hedges ringing the former miniature golf course pressed into service as Emba.s.sy grounds, the Terran diplomats stood in conversational clumps across the fairways and greens, gla.s.ses in hand, nervously eying the door through which Amba.s.sador Clawhammer's entrance was expected momentarily.

"Gracious, Retief," Magnan said, glancing at his watch, "the first results will be in any moment; I'm all atwitter."

"I think we need have no fear of the outcome," Saddlesore stated. "Guru Hoobrik's students have been particularly active in these final hours, zealously applying posters to the polling places."

"And applying knots to the heads of reluctant converts," the Political Officer added. "What I'm wondering is-after Hoobrik's inauguration, what's to prevent his applying the same techniques to foreign diplomats?"

"Tradition, my boy," the Colonel said soothingly. "We may be shot as spies or deported as undesirable aliens; but shaped up by ward heelers, never!"

There was a stir across the lawn; Amba.s.sador Clawhammer appeared, ornate in the Burgundy cutaway and puce jodhpurs specified by CDT Regs for early evening ceremonial wear.

"Well? No word yet?" he stared challengingly at his underlings, accepting one of the four drinks simultaneously thrust at him by alert junior officers. "My private polls indicate an early lead for the Tsugg party, increasing to a commanding majority as the rural counties report."

"Commanding is right," Magnan muttered behind his hand. "One of the ruffians had the audacity to order me to hold his gluepot while he affixed a poster to the front door of the Emba.s.sy."

"What cheek," the Political Officer gasped. "You didn't do it?"

"Of course not," Magnan replied haughtily. "He held the gluepot, and I affixed the placard."

Happy shouts sounded from the direction of the gate; a party of Tsuggs appeared, flamboyant in pink and yellow, handing out foot-long yellow cigars. A throng of lesser Oberonians followed, all apparently in good spirits.

" 'Tis a landslide victory," one called to the a.s.sembly at large. "Break out the wa.s.sail bowl!"

"Is this official, Depew?" the Amba.s.sador demanded of his Counselor, who arrived at that moment at a trot, waving a sheaf of papers.

"I'm afraid so-that is, I'm delighted to confirm the people's choice," he panted. "It's amazing; the Tsugg candidate polled an absolute majority, even in the oppositions' strongholds! It looks like every voter on the rolls voted the straight Tsugg ticket!"

"Certes, Terry," a Grimble confirmed jovially, grabbing two gla.s.ses from a pa.s.sing tray. "We know a compromise candidate when we see one!"

" 'Tis a clear mandate from the people," a Tsugg declaimed. "Hoobrik will be along in a trice to help with sorting out the spoils. As for myself, I'm not greedy; a minor Cabinet post will do nicely."

"Out upon thee!" a jovial voice boomed as the Tsugg chieftain swept through the gate flanked by an honor guard of grinning scimitar-bearers. "No undignified rooting at the trough, lads! There's plenty to go around!"

"Congratulations, Your Truculence," Amba.s.sador Clawhammer cried, advancing with outstretched hand. "I'm sure that at this moment you're feeling both proud and humble as you point with pride-"

"Humble!" Hoobrik roared. "That's for losers, Terry!"

"To be sure," Clawhammer conceded the point. "Now, Your Truculence, I don't want to delay the victory celebration, but why don't we just sign this little Treaty of Eternal Peace and Friendship set up to run for five years with a renewal option-"

"You'll have to speak to the new Planetary President about that, Terry." The chieftain waved the proffered doc.u.ment away. "As for myself, I have some important drinking to catch up on!"

"But I was informed by a usually reliable source"-Clawhammer turned to glare at the Counselor-"that the Tsugg party had carried off all honors!"

"True enough! By the way, where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"Our new Chief Executive, of course-" Hoobrik broke off, pushed past Clawhammer, rushed forward with outstretched arms, narrowly missing a small water hazard, to embrace Retief, who had just appeared on the scene.

"Stand aside, Retief," Clawhammer snapped. "I'm in the midst of a delicate negotiation-"

" 'Twere meet you employ a more respectful tone, Terry," Hoobrik admonished the Amba.s.sador sternly. "Considering whom you're speaking to!"

"Who... whom I'm speaking to?" Clawhammer said in bewilderment. "Whom am I speaking to?"

"Meet Planetary President Dir Tief," Hoobrik said proudly, waving a hand at Retief. "The winner, and new champion!"

10.

"Good lord, Retief." Magnan was the first to recover his speech. "When...? How...?"

"What's the meaning of this?" Clawhammer burst out. "Am I being made sport of?"

"Apparently not, Mr. Amba.s.sador," Retief said. "It seems they put me on the ballot as a dark horse-"

"You'll be a horse of a darker color before I'm through with you!" Clawhammer yelled-and went rigid as twin scimitars flashed, ended with their edges pressed against his neck.

"Bu-but how can a Terran be elected as head of the Tsugg party?" the Political Officer quavered.

"President Tief is no Terry, wittold!" Hoobrik corrected. "He's a Tsugg after my own heart!"

"But-doesn't the President have to be a natural-born citizen?"

"Art suggesting our President is unnatural-born?" Hoobrik grated.

"Why, no-"

" 'Tis well. In that case, best you present your credentials at once, and we can get down to business."