Retief - Retief of the CDT Part 36

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!" the PA blared. "EMERGE AT ONCE, EMPTY-HANDED!"

"Maybe we can hide out in this dense growth," Magnan said. "If Herby will keep us apprised of their whereabouts. Maybe we can elude capture until help comes."

The copter had drifted closer.

"THIRTY SECONDS," the big voice boomed. "IF AT THE END OF THAT TIME YOU HAVE NOT SUBMITTED YOURSELVES TO GROACI JUSTICE, THE ENTIRE ISLAND WILL BE ENGULFED IN FIRE!"

"Cook us alive?" Magnan gasped. "They wouldn't!"

"Retief... mister..." Herby said worriedly. "Did he mean?"

"I'm afraid so, Herby," Retief said. "But don't worry. We won't let matters proceed that far. Shall we go, Mr. Magnan?"

Magnan swallowed with difficulty. "I suppose a comfortable garroting in a civilized cell is preferable to broiling alive," he said in a choked voice as they walked out from the shade into the bright-orange sunlight of the beach.

7.

"A wise decision, Soft Ones," Slith whispered. "In return for your cooperation, I give my rea.s.surances that your remains will be transmitted to your loved ones suitably packaged, with a friendly note explaining that you fell foul of the alert Groacian anti-spy apparatus and were dispatched ere my personal intervention could save you from the just retribution your crimes deserved."

"Why, that's very thoughtful of you, I'm sure, Grand Commander," Magnan said, mustering a ghastly smile. "But might I suggest just one teensy change? Why not intervene just a bit sooner, and return us safe and sound-a stirring gesture of interbeing amity-"

"My researches into the Terry nature," Slith interrupted, steepling his eyes-an effect which failed to rea.s.sure his listeners-"indicate that your kith respond most generously to those who adhere to a policy of unanswerving hostility. This evidence of Groaci determination will evoke, I doubt not, a sizable increase in the Terry subsidy to the Keep Groac Gray drive-funds which will of course be quietly diverted to our urgently needed naval modernization program, by the way."

"But why?" Magnan clanked his chains disconsolately. "Why can't we all just be dear, dear friends?"

"Alas," Slith said. "Aside from the fact that we Groaci find you Soft Ones singularly repellent to all nine senses, rendering social intercourse awkward, and the further fact that Terran ambitions Galactic-expansionwise conflict with manifest Groaci destiny-plus the fact that I owe you suitable recompense for your malicious sabotage of my mercantile efforts at Haunch II-aside from these matters, I say-it's necessary at this juncture to silence you."

"S-silence us?" Magnan said. "Why, heavens, Commander Slith-if you're referring to the little misunderstanding that led to our unscheduled landing here on Yudore, don't give it a thought! Why, I've already forgotten it! Actually, it was probably just pilot error on the part of my colleague, Mr. Retief-"

"He's not talking about that, Mr, Magnan," Retief said. "He's talking about his use of Yudore as a red herring to cover an attack on the Slox Empire."

"Silence, verbose one!" Slith hissed; but Okkyokk, whose image on the conference screen had been quietly occupying a complicated perch in the background, spoke up: "Who this? My fascinate! Gosh! Tell more!"

"Fool!" Slith leaped to his feet, vibrating his throat sac at Retief. "Your groundless insinuations deprive you of life's last sweet moments!" He signaled the guards. "On with the executions, forthwith!"

"Not so hurry. Five-eyes!" Okkyokk snarled. "Conversation me, Terry; my interest, oh yes! Tell on!"

"Keep out of this, Okkyokk!" Slith hissed as the guards started forward eagerly.

"My listen!" Okkyokk yelled. "Your forgot, Slith-I guns train on you! My chat these Terry-blow your in fragmentation, or!"

"Better humor him, Slith," Retief said. "Inasmuch as your fleet consists of disguised barges with dummy guns, you're in no position to call his bluff."

Slith made spluttering sounds.

"No gun?" Okkyokk chortled. "Good new tonight! Tell more, Terry!"

"It's quite simple," Retief said. "Slith lured you out here to get your gunboats out of the way so he could proceed to attack the Slox home planets with minimal interference. The bombardment is probably underway right now."

"Lies!" Slith found his frail voice. "Okkyokk-heed not the treacher's vile fables! He seeks to set us at odds, each with other!"

"I grateful you extreme, Terry!" the Slox Commander grated in a voice like a steel girder shearing, ignoring Slith's appeal. "Preparation you for dead, Groaci bigshot! Fake up big war, eh, you tell. Make fool allbody, eh? Then join force and invasion Terries, eh? Fruits and nuts! You never delusion me for every! Hold on hats, kids-"

"Don't fire!" Slith screeched. "The Soft One lies-which I can prove in most dramatic fashion-by blasting your cancerous aggregation of derelicts into their component atoms!"

"Retief-say something!" Magnan yelped. "If they start shooting-"

"Then you Soft Ones will die!" Slith hissed. "If they prevail-you die with my flagship-and if I prevail-then long shall you linger under the knives of my virtuosi!"

"How you plan do so big shoot with empty gun?" Okkyokk inquired warily.

"Retief!" Slith cried. "Confess to him you lied-else will I decree torments yet uninvented to adorn your pa.s.sing!"

"Better open fire quick-if you can," Retief said. "As for you, General," he addressed the screen, "it always pays to get in the first lick-"

"Retief, what are you saying?" Magnan yelped. "Why goad them to this madness? No matter who wins, we lose!"

"My confuse!" Okkyokk stated. "Splendor idea, shoot up unarmed Five-eyes-but what if Terry big lying?"

"Don't let him get the jump on you, Slith," Retief advised.

"Gunnery Officer!" the Groaci Commander hissed in sudden agonized decision. "All batteries-open salvo fire!"

The response was instantaneous; a series of hollow clicking sounds over the intercom. Then the dumbfounded voice of the Gunnery Officer:

"Exalted one-I regret to report ..."

"Sabotage!" Slith yelled. On the screen, Okkyokk paused, one digital member poised above a large puce b.u.t.ton.

"How, no explosing? Guns fails operationing, just as Terry inform? Splendor!" the Slox leader waggled his ocular extrusions. "Now time procedure to extermination you with leisurely! Master Gunner-procedure blow picture window in Five-eyes flagship, give Commander Slith good viewing of eventuals!"

Slith hissed and sprang for the door, where he fought for position with the guards who had reached the portal before him. Magnan covered his ears and screwed his eyes shut.

"Whats?" Okkyokk's puzzled voice was coming from the screen. "Hows? Malfunctionate of firepower at times like these? My intolerate! Caramba! Oh, heck!"

"I suggest both you gentlemen relax," Retief raised his voice slightly over the hubbub. "No one's going to do any shooting."

"So... your spies have infiltrated my flagship!" Slith hissed. "Little will it avail you, Retief! Once in s.p.a.ce, my most creative efforts will be lavished on your quivering corpori!" He scrabbled on the rug, came up with his command mike. "Engineer! Lift off, emergency crash procedures!"

"Another disappointment in store, I'm afraid, Slith," Retief said as no surge of acceleration followed. "Herby's particularly sensitive to rocket blasts," he explained gently. "Ergo-no lift-off."

"Herby?" Slith keened, waggling his eyes, from which the jeweled shields had fallen in the tussle. "Herby?"

"Herby," Okkyokk muttered. "What Herby, which?"

"Herby!" Magnan gasped. "But... but..."