Retief - Retief of the CDT Part 22

"No doubt, sir. I was just thinking of this condition of mine. My doctor says it's the most unusual case of aggravated diplomat's elbow he's ever encountered-"

"See here, Magnan-if you have any reservations about this a.s.signment-any reservations at all-I'm sure your resignation will be philosophically accepted."

"Oh, no indeed sir! Heavens, I couldn't be more enthusiastic! Why, who needs vegetation? It just requires a lot of mowing and tr.i.m.m.i.n.g-and I've always loved all sorts of creepy, crawly creatures. Ah... you did say chased by giant worms?"

"Forty-footers. There seem to be a couple of other life forms as well, referred to by the landing party as, let me see, oh yes: slugs, and superslugs.* According to the report, they're limbless, featureless, boneless, without sensory organs, and of the approximate shape and consistency of bagged oatmeal-cooked."

[ * Ref CDT Image Guideline No Y-897-b-34 (Par 2c) Epithets, Unflattering, Use of. The terms Deosseomolluscoid, Vermiformoid, and Megadeosseomolluscoid (abbr. DOM, VF, and MDOM, respectively) are preferred in all official contexts. ]

"Cooked?" Magnan croaked.

"I understand they have hooks on their undersides to help them hang on when the breeze gets over a hundred and ninety knots," the Undersecretary amplified.

"I have a capital idea, Mr. Undersecretary," Magnan said brightly. "Why don't we just skip on past Quahogg and try our luck elsewhere-say, on a nice, comfortable planet inhabited by nothing more ferocious than a few colorful lichens?"

"Don't talk nonsense, Magnan! Quahogg happens to be the sole planet of the Verman system, which lies squarely athwart the Groaci direction of creep into Terran spheres of influence!"

Magnan looked bewildered.

"You're looking bewildered, Magnan!" the senior diplomat barked. "It should be perfectly plain to you that we must get a foothold on Quahogg before those sneaky rascals steal a march on us!"

"Maybe they'll just... go around Quahogg..."

"What-and lose points in the game? Don't be naive, Magnan. You know how important points are to the Groaci."

"I've got it sir! Why don't we pretend to be bighearted and just let them have it?"

"Then we'd lose points. Besides which," he added, "His Supremacy is something of an unknown quant.i.ty; we don't know what the beggar's up to." The Undersecretary frowned. "I'll be candid with you: There seems to be some possibility that he has imperialistic ambitions. Wrothwax went in with a full Mark XL Undercover kit, and instructions to poke about. From the promptness with which he vanished, I suspect His Supremacy wasn't fooled for a moment."

"About that resignation," Magnan said thoughtfully. "Would I be able to get a lump-sum settlement from the Retirement Fund?"

"Negative!" The Undersecretary barked. "Look here, Magnan, this could be a millstone in your career. A milestone, that is to say."

"Tsk," Magnan said. "How true. What a pity I never learned the language-"

"Eh? According to your 201-X file, you brain-taped both Sluggish and Worman back when you were angling for the a.s.signment."

"Ah-unfortunately, I only mastered Old Low Worman, an obscure dialect-"

"Bah, Magnan! You're hedging! I want you to go in there and come out covered with glory!"

"But-what about this Supreme Fulguration? How do I find him, among all these... these oversized Annelids?"

"That's your problem, Magnan. Now, you and Retief had better step smartly. The personnel ferry lifts in less than six hours."

"I say, sir," Magnan quavered, "I don't suppose you'd like to send a couple of gunboats in ahead of us to, er, worm the place a trifle...?"

"Nonsense, your job is to find out what happened to Wrothwax, not to become entangled with the wildlife." The Undersecretary fixed the new appointee with a penetrating eye. "We're counting on you, gentlemen. And remember the Corps motto: Come back with your briefcases, or on them!"

In the corridor, Magnan looked despairingly at Retief.

"It simply doesn't pay to be outstanding," he mourned. "My reward for years of dazzling efficiency: exile to a worm ranch!"

"Cheer up, Mr. Magnan," Retief consoled. "I'm sure you'll find the experience exhilarating, once you get the hang of gripping bare rock in a hurricane while conducting a high-level negotiation with deaf mutes."

"There's one consolation," Magnan said, perking up a little. "As Charge, I'll rate a salute of seventeen and a half guns."

"Impressive," Retief said. "Let's hope they're not aimed in our direction."

2.

In Retief's cramped cabin aboard the Corps ferry Circ.u.mspect, the intercom crackled and spoke: "Better get set, Retief," a casual voice said. "We'll be hitting atmosphere in a couple of minutes, and I do mean hitting. If you see Nervous Nellie, pa.s.s the word. He doesn't answer in his hutch."

"Nellie?" Magnan frowned. "Is there another pa.s.senger aboard?"

"Just a little personal code the Captain likes to use," Retief clarified. "I think it's time to strap into the drop-capsule."

"Gracious, now that the moment arrives, I'm all atwitter," Magnan said as they made their way along the narrow access shaft to the tiny compartment in which they would descend to the surface. "To think that I'll soon be presenting my credentials to His Supreme Fulguration as Princ.i.p.al officer!"

"A solemn moment, Mr. Magnan."

"Garbwise, I'm prescribing full Late-mid-afternoon, Top-formal cutaways, with chrome-plated d.i.c.keys, silver-lace cuff-cascades, plus medals and orders. First impressions are so important, I always say."

"I'd suggest you amend that to read full environmental suits, plus deflector fields and traction boots," Retief said. He waved a hand at the small screen on which a cloud-mottled planetary surface was slowly swelling. "There seems to be a dozen or so hurricanes, typhoons, and tornadoes blowing simultaneously down there at the moment."

Magnan stared at the view in dismay. "We're supposed to land in that?"

"Actually, this is almost a lull, by Quahoggian standards."

"You speak as though you knew it would be like this."

"The Post Report the Preliminary Survey Team compiled mentioned a certain amount of turbulence in the atmosphere," Retief conceded.

"Why didn't you warn me? I could have wriggled out-I mean, my peculiar qualifications could have netted us a six-month TDY jaunt doing a Tourist Facility Survey on Beachromp, on full per diem allowances!"

"Don't tell me that a campaigner of your experience forgot to do his background research?"

"Of course not! That's how I knew about the seventeen and a half guns!"

"We're in for a b.u.mpy ride," Retief said. "Maybe you'd better not try to land all that booze you had loaded in the cargo well."

"Medical supplies," Magnan said crisply. "As you know, I disapprove of stimulants except in emergencies."

"I suppose the fellows in the cave could use a snort, at that."

"Um. Foolish of them to have landed off-target."