Remix. Part 31

"Always. Be more specific."

"About Tom. About me deserving better."

"That doesn't sound like something I'd say..."

But we both know she did.

"Whatever we had, it's over now. I don't want him back any more." Saying it sets me free.

"You don't sound like you're a pathetic, weeping, wailing blob of snot..."

"Charming." I laugh. "That's because I know it's the right thing this time."

"It was the right thing last time."

"All right, no need to be smart about it. I just wanted to tell" I was going to say "someone", but "you."

Silence. My sister doesn't really know how to handle me being nice to her. I wouldn't either, if the situation was reversed.

"So now I've woken you up, can you do me a favour?" My tone makes it clear the conversation is back to normal.

So is Naomi's. "Probably not."

"Ring Mum. Ask her about her date last night it's not just me she wants to gossip with."

As I end the call, I'm level with the charging tent and I collect Ruby's phone, before turning back towards our camp. My thoughts drift to Sebastian and I smile at the thought of telling Ruby about all the good things that have happened this weekend, as well as the bad. Because I'm going to tell her everything now as Ruby said, she and I don't do secrets.

I'm distracted as Ruby's phone starts to vibrate and a message flashes up.

Hey, Ruby, on the off chance you've charged your phone... I'm at your camp. Where are you? Stu

34 * CARELESS WHISPER

RUBY.

After a while Lee asks me how he looks.

"Puffy" is my answer.

"But in a cute way, right?"

"If you find blotches and snot cute, then sure, why not?"

He hauls me up off the floor and we walk back side by side. I don't know what my brother is thinking about, but for the most part I'm thinking that Lee has only partially explained what happened last night and for all I want to be able to leave it as it is, I can't.

"Lee?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you do it?"

He doesn't ask what I mean he knows I mean the boy he was with, the not-Owen whose shorts Lee had been unzipping. "I told you, Ruby, I'm weak. And I thought it would make me feel better to know I could be with someone I didn't love."

The thought process is so alarmingly familiar that it knocks the breath out of me.

I don't want Wexler to be Stu that's kind of the point.

But it didn't make me feel better, and looking at Lee, I'm not sure it worked out for him either.

"But in Owen's van? What were you thinking?"

Lee shrugs. "I have spare keys. Thought it'd be better than bringing him back to Owen's tent."

I give him Ultimate Disapproval Face.

And then, as if it has only just occurred to him, his brows pull together and he tilts his face to look at me closely.

"What were you doing there?"

KAZ.

Camp is deserted but for a lone figure standing, hands in pockets, waiting for someone who isn't me.

"What are you doing here?" I say.

Stu turns at the sound of my voice. He looks exhausted and he hasn't shaved since Friday although the way he smells I guess he's washed. Stu always smells good. Pheromones from his s.e.x overdrive, presumably.

"I'm looking for Ruby. Do you know where she is?"

"Why, so you can just keep hurting her?"

Stu looks confused. "What do you mean?"

"That I don't want you anywhere near her."

"Seriously, we're still doing that? You telling me what Ruby wants when you're the one who hurts her the most?"

"Me?" I can't even believe he's saying it. "You cheated on her."

"Oh, for f.u.c.k's sake!" Stu snaps his head back and stares at the sky, before glaring at me. "Will you let it go?

"How can I? You CHEATED on her!" How loud do I have to say it for him to hear?

"I made a mistake. One that you" he points not just with his finger, but his eyes, his voice, his whole being "won't let me forget."

"Because you were going to carry on as if nothing happened!"

Like Tom is doing with Lauren. But Stu is not Tom. Stu would have done it again...

"What if I had carried on as if nothing happened? What. f.u.c.king. If? Did you ever, for a second, allow for the tiniest possibility that I made her happy? That for all you think I'm a toxic landfill of a human being, I didn't love her?"

"You'd a funny way of showing it," I say quietly.

"You think being in love is the same as being perfect, do you?" For the first time I see something more than a caricature of a s.l.u.tty s.e.x G.o.d, I see someone who feels pain and hope. And regret. "Do you really believe that love makes you a better person?" G.o.d knows it has made me worse. "Well, it doesn't work like that. It makes me want to try, but that's the best I can do and you won't even let me have that."

But he hasn't been here to see the mess he's made of my friend this weekend, the sh.e.l.l of the Ruby I love who walked into camp this morning.

"The only way you know how to try is to hurt her, Stu." My voice is quiet, but clear. He does not need to take a step closer to hear it, but he does anyway.

"You think I did so much damage when I slept with another girl, but even Ruby knows my heart wasn't in it. You talk about cheating like it's the worst thing that could happen. But you and Lauren? That's betrayal on a level I couldn't hope to achieve..."

"Don't say that." I don't want to hear this. Not at all. "It's not true."

"You mean more to Ruby than I ever could. Where were you last night, Kaz, when Ruby needed you? With Lauren? And why? Just because you feel so guilty that you've been f.u.c.king Lauren's boyfriend?"

Stu's almost shouting, but my voice comes out as a horrified whisper. "What? I didn't..."

"Come off it!" Stu laughs at me, a short sharp bark. "You can fool Ruby. You can fool Lauren. But you can't fool the guy who saw you leave Tom's tent, your bra in your hand and tears down your face." Ice-cold dread floods through me as I picture b.u.mping into Stella. I'd been so keen on running away I hadn't taken the time to notice who she was with. "Because you found out that Saint Thomas of Selkirk's as much of a dog as me. That he'd do you the same time he's banging someone else."

"I didn't know about Lauren," I whisper, not sure who I'm trying to convince.

"You didn't want to." Stu looks at me like he's always had the truth of it. "Tell me, Kaz, are you going to do for your new BFF what you did for your old one? You going to give Tom the same ultimatum you gave me?" It's as if he's shining a light into the deepest darkest places where the guilt, the hypocrisy is cosseted in the bubble wrap of self-righteousness. But Stu isn't finished unpacking me. "Guess it's harder this time. Tom didn't cheat with some stranger, a girl she'll never have to meet, a girl who meant nothing you're going to have to tell Lauren that her boyfriend had s.e.x with you."

In that one, two, heartbeats, there is no sound, there is nothing outside of my world except those words.

And then...

A half-sob.

Life is happening in slow motion. I turn so slowly that she's already turned to run from what she's heard.

Not Ruby: Lauren.

35 * DAYS ARE GONE

RUBY.

Lee and I are nearly back at camp. He knows I lied when I said I went to Owen's van because I needed some s.p.a.ce away from Kaz and Lauren, but he didn't push it.

"Speak of the devil." Lee points at someone running through the tents, stumbling over the guy ropes. The sound of her sobs reaches us, and we glance at each other, confused. I'm about to tell him to go after her, when we see Kaz hurrying down the path towards us. "Sorry, excuse me please... Oh, just... OUT OF THE WAY!" she shouts at a group of boys who are having a piggy-back fight.

"Kaz!" I catch her arm. "What's going on? Is everything OK?"

"I'm so sorry, Ruby. I've got to find Lauren." She looks frantic and I let go of her arm. Lee points in the direction Lauren went and Kaz rushes on a few steps before spinning back. "Your phone, take it, take it..."

I take it.

"I'll call you as soon as I've fixed things. I'll meet you in the arena." She closes the distance between us and gives me a hug. "I'm sorry. Stu's looking for you. Don't let him get to you."

"OK..." I pat her back, wondering why I'm getting such a desperate hug.

"I love you, Ruby."

"Um..."

"You know that, right?" She pulls back from the hug to look at me so intently it's quite scary.

"Kaz, are you dying?"

"No. Just making a mess of absolutely everything." And then she's off again.

KAZ.