Real Life In London Part 47

"Heaven only knows," replied Mortimer; "the whole family is in an uproar of surmise and alarm,--what may be the end of it I know not."

"A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed," continued Tom; "but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always was a gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspect some mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentous appearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My life for it they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some country Parson, and are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour of matrimony. As for Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take care of him."

Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter that was handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, and Tallyho straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hear the news, when Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of the others could join in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In a few minutes however the mystery was in some degree explained.

"Here," said Tom, "is news--extraordinary news--an official dispatch from head-quarters, but without any information as to where the tents are pitched. It is but a short epistle." He then read aloud,

"Dear Dashall,

"Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well.

Your's truly,

C. Sparkle."

Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer--"I trust," said he, "you will now be a little more at ease."

~356~~ Mortimer eagerly examined the letter for the postmark, but was not able to make out from whence it came.

"I confess," said he, "I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet at a loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue so strange a course."

"The motive," cried Tom, "that may be easily explained; and I doubt not but you will find, although it may at present appear a little mysterious, Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect.

He is however a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may by this time congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. What a blaze it will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparkling subject. Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion.

"To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, We're duller the merrier we grow, Exactly the same unaccountable logic That talks of cold fire and warm snow.

For me, born by nature For humour and satire, I sing and I roar and I quaff; Each muscle I twist it, I cannot resist it, A finger held up makes me laugh.

For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth, Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth Contradict me, I'd call him an a.s.s and a calf, And boldly insist once for all, That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol."

This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with the feelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure.

"Come," said Tom to his Cousin, "having gained some information respecting one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, and have a peep at Merrywell; he may perhaps want a.s.sistance in his present situation, though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfect security."

"How," said Bob--"what do you mean?"

"Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to a lock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take up their abode, for the purpose of ~357~~ arranging their affairs, and where they can uninterruptedly make up their minds whether to give bail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a trip to Abbott's Priory; become a three months' student in the college of art, and undergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing."

"I begin to understand you now," said Bob, "and the only difference between our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain for life--"

"And the other may in all probability (continued Tom,) have to chaff his time away with a chum--perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it really is possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself to the loss of liberty, even in "durance vile."

By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly,

"And marching without any c.u.mbersome load, They mark'd every singular sight on the road."

"Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just pa.s.sed us?"

inquired Tallyho.

"An old Bencher," was the reply; "there you see all that is left of a man of _haut ton_, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas!

bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cut up and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it is impossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot be called a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing like cut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to his Lady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined on taking him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walk to have her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled in pocket and person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance of prolonging a miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but a game, at which every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses: why there have been as many moves among t.i.tled persons, Kings, Queens, Bishops, Lords and Knights, within the last century, as there are in a game at chess. p.a.w.ns have been taken and restored in all cla.s.ses, from the Sovereign, who p.a.w.ns or loses his crown, to the Lady whose reputation is in p.a.w.n, and becomes at last not worth half a crown.

Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and ~358~~ dealing in, double dealing and double faces, have long been the order of the day. Some men's cards are all trumps, whilst others have _carte blanche_; some honours count, whilst others stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little man who cast up his final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like a Corsican conjurer, shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knaves and a.s.ses, (aces I mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and taking trumps as he thought fit?--did he not deal and take up again almost as he pleased, having generally an honour in his sleeve to be played at command, or _un roi dans le marche_; by which cheating, it was scarcely possible for any one to get fair play with him, till, flushed by success, and not knowing how to bear his prosperity, he played too desperately and too long? The tables were turned upon him, and his enemies cheated him, first of his liberty, and ultimately of his life."

At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to his Cousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled before him.--"Hallo!" exclaimed he, "what have we here?--somebody has dropped a prize."

"It is mine, Sir," said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with a smile which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed with snuff.

"A bite," said Tom.

"I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now."

"And pray," inquired Tom, "what does it contain?" picking it up.

"Snuff, Sir," was the reply; "a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it to me--G.o.d bless him, and bless your Honour too!" with an additional smile, and a still lower curtsey.

Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tom perceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had become sugar.

"Zounds!" said he, "they have played some trick upon you, and given you brimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes."

The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled up again and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose to stoop for it.

"This," said Dashall, "does not turn out to be what I first expected; for the practices of ring and money ~359~~ dropping{1} have, at various times, been carried on with great success, and to the serious injury of the unsuspecting. The persons who generally apply themselves to this species of cheating are no other than gamblers who ingeniously contrive, by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some customer with a view to induce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts have frequently been exposed, we every now and then hear of some flat being done by these sharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in London to be had one way or another."

"Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind,"

rejoined Bob.

"I did," replied his Cousin; "but it appears to be a legitimate letter from some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimen of epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person ready to claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being a little in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary their mode of proceeding according to situation and circ.u.mstance. Your money-dropper contrives to find his own property, as if by chance.

He picks up the purse with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have we here?--Zounds! if here is not a prize--I'm in rare luck to-day--Ha, ha, ha, let's have a peep at it--it feels heavy, and no doubt is worth having.' While he is examining its contents, up comes his confederate, who claims a share on account of having been present at the finding.

'Nay, nay,' replies the finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman is the only person that was near me--was not you, Sir? 'By this means the novice is induced to a.s.sent, or perhaps a.s.sert his prior claim. The finder declares,

1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier, a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:--'On Monday afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely informed the females that they should have half the value of the articles, as they were in his company when they were found. While they were examining them, another fellow came up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they learned to their mortification that they were not worth eighteen pence!'

~360~~ that sooner than have any dispute about it, he will divide the contents in three parts; recommends an adjournment to a public-house in the neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over their good luck.

This being consented to, the leading points are accomplished. The purse of course is found to contain counterfeit money--Flash-screens or Fleet-notes,{1} and the division cannot well be made without change can be procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such they generally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay, or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood, the draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as the job is a good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquired wealth in this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. The Countryman bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tis added to what is coming to him out of the purse.

"If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, or fight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him to answer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched, and full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out,{2} make him drunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be an easy cove,{3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, or counterfeit coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleased with his fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupe of their artifice."

"And is it possible?" inquired Tallyho--

"Can such things be, and overcome us Like a summer's cloud?"

"Not without our special wonder," continued Dashall; "but such things have been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers of the fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their wares into the ready blunt.{4} The pretending to find a ring being one of the meanest and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms a part of their art to find articles of much more

1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes--Forged notes.

2 Cleaned out--Having lost all your money.

3 Easy cove--One whom there is no difficulty in gulling.