Real Life In London Part 43

". . . the needy villain's general home, The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!"

where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth--where folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent obscurity.--Allons donc!--another ramble, and chance may probably ill.u.s.trate my observation."

"Take notice," said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as they reached the Mall in St. James's Park, "of that solitary knight of the woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote disappointment and privation;--ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian ~328~~ shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a distressed poet."

The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have attained the age of fifty, or more--a bat that had once been black--a scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear--a striped waistcoat--his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something resembling trowsers, but "a world too wide for his shrunk shanks"--short gaiters--shoes in the last stage of consumption--whiskers of full dimensions--his head enc.u.mbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey hair: such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity!

The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the stranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach.

The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with his usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on the common topic of weather, _et cetera_, without eliciting in reply more than an a.s.senting or dissenting monosyllable, "You have seen some service, Sir?"

"Yes."

"In the army, I presume?"

"No."

"Under Government?"

"Yes."

"In the navy, probably?"

"No."

"I beg your pardon," continued Dashall--"my motives originate not in idle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service------"

The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. "I ask not from impertinent curiosity," resumed Dashall, "neither would I wish indelicately to obtrude an offer of a.s.sistance, perhaps equally unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life wherein sympathy may be allowed to partic.i.p.ate."

"Sir," said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and freedom of communication--"I am inexpressibly indebted for the honour of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I am a literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently inaccessible."

~329~~ Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator by asking--whence it was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, precarious, and unproductive?

"Necessity," was the reply. "During a period of eight years, I performed the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its subordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousand distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a dinner!"{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:--

The aggregate Population on the surface of the known habitable Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation lasts 30 years, then in that s.p.a.ce 1000,000,000 human beings will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every minute, and more than one every second. Of these 1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans, 160,000,000 Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 175,000,000 are called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are Protestants.

There are in London 502 places of Worship--one Cathedral, one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, 220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c.

About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and 704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed 800,000 per annum.

There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one year: The annual depredations amount to about 2,100,000.

There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is 200,000 per annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year 150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000 Servants at all times out of place. Above 20,000 miserable individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by what means they are to be supported during the pa.s.sing day, or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the succeeding night.

London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs; 7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000 acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals; 1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine; 17,000,000 pounds of b.u.t.ter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese; 14,500 boat loads of cod.

~330~~ "May I ask," said Mr. Dashall, "from what species of literary composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?"

"From puffing--writing rhyming advertis.e.m.e.nts for certain speculative and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations; for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or j.a.pan Blacking--the wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Maca.s.sar Oil in producing a luxuriant growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly scattered and h.o.a.ry fragments of age to the redundant and auburn tresses of youth--shewing forth that the "Riding Master to his late Majesty upwards of thirty years, and Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, sets compet.i.tion at defiance, and that all who dare presume to rival the late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally undeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public! In fact, Sir, I am reduced to this occasional humiliating employment, derogatory certainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach of famine. I write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, and ill.u.s.trate each subject by incontrovertible facts, with appropriate incident and interesting anecdote."

"And these facts," observed Bob Tallyho, "respectably authenticated?"

"By no means," answered the Poet; "nor is it necessary, n.o.body takes the trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and the fertility of his invention."

"On the same theme, does not there exist," asked Dashall, "a difficulty in giving it the appearance of variety?"

"Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when I a.s.sure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer above two hundred different productions on the subject of his unparalleled Jet, each containing fresh incident, and very probably fresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more! But the misfortune is, that every thing is left to my invention, and the remuneration is of a very trifling nature for such mental labour: besides, it has frequently happened that the toil has proved unavailing--the production is rejected--the antic.i.p.ated half-crown remains in the acc.u.mulating coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and the Author returns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, if fortune at last befriends him, he probably may breakfast dine and sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour in the evening!" ~331~~ "And,"

exclaimed the feeling Dashall, "this is real Life in London!"

"With me actually so," answered the Poet.

The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode of composition:--

PUG IN ARMOUR; OR, THE GARRISON ALARMED.

"Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been, A frequent a.s.semblage of monkeys has seen a.s.sailing each stranger with volleys of stones, As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones!

A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, And gazing his secret position about, A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd; And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, He cautiously ventured on closer inspection.

The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within, He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out; And thus he seem'd cas'd--from his head to his tail, In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail!

Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm!

Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls-- "A legion of devils are scaling the walls!"

The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms; And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran To meet the dread foe in this minikin man!

"A man--'tis a monkey!" Mirth loudly exclaim'd, And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd; And Pug was released, the strange incident backing The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking."

~332~~ This trifle, well enough for the purpose, was honoured with approbation.

The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at his lodgings in the evening.

"I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer," exclaimed Bob, "exchange situations with this unfortunate literary hack--this poor devil of mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded by liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the sordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of benevolence!--But let us hope that few such cases of genius in adversity occur, even in this widely extended and varied scene of human vicissitude."

"That hope," replied his Cousin, "is founded on

"The baseless fabric of a vision!"

There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of whom we may truly say,

"Chill penury repress their n.o.ble rage, And freeze the genial current of the soul!"

Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded obscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable requisites, or obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent ignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just been informed, even of Blacking Manufacturers!

"But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last; and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Princ.i.p.al retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk and his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or starve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and education, the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the hand of famine in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret; or, what is worse than either, consigned to linger out their remaining wretched ~333~~ days under the "cold reluctant charity" of a parish workhouse.{1}

"When the princ.i.p.al of a Public-office has battened for many years on his liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those of occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his salary on the abolition of the establishment, and part.i.tion it out in pensions to those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions the business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted? These allowances, however inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all the comforts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of absolute dest.i.tution."

A pause ensued--Dashall continued in silent rumination--a few moments brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement "devoutly to be wished" was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, they proceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House.