Real Life In London Part 101

"Hush," said Sparkle, "don't be too severe in your observations, for I have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge it is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to complain."

~~342~~~ "And pray," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "where is one to be found who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question, and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable world is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of a celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say

1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do better than give insertion to the following police report:--

PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER!

Bow Street.--An application was lately made for a warrant to apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers.

The application was made by the mother of the accused, in consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her defence, when she a.s.serted that the articles were her own, purchased with money given to her by her friends. In corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and were given up without the slightest objection when she applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by the solicitor remarking, that the princ.i.p.al object, the return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said, he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B.

for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen.

Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly denied these a.s.sertions, and, after the magistrate had animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only 16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses.

Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the following by way of elucidation.

The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose protection she is living, or rather was living, is a gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a n.o.bleman, whose chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is,-- what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.'

We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his Lordship's a.s.siduity, and the young lady's _ennui_.

~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except the quiz that his liberal offer of 500. would be about 25. per annum, or 9s. 7d. a week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and therefore a good bargain."

"I believe," continued Sparkle, "there is little about him, either as to person or to character, which ent.i.tles him to occupy more of our time, which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects."

"Apropos," said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, "do you observe a person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to ascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr.

Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, and stable a.s.sistants; whose language and manners it is one of the princ.i.p.al studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a good driver of four in hand, and tickling the t.i.ts along the road in a mail carriage, is the _ne plus ultra_ of his ambition. He will take a journey of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up a mail coach, paying for his own pa.s.sage, and feeing the coachmen for their permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes and mother o'pearl b.u.t.tons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square, wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his gla.s.s of gin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the pa.s.sengers to get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as much at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, and every thing in the world.' He is, however, not singular in his taste, for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this cla.s.s, save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent than any person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his fore teeth punched out, in order to enable the n.o.ble aspirant to give the true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as to project the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, into the hedge on the near side of the road."

"Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a n.o.ble mind," rejoined Tallyho.

"And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, of course," continued Sparkle; "and as I have not had a lounge in these Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished with a key to characters that may be new to me."

"There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he has made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentleman whose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated Sir George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at the Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary affectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the chief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green coat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time become a dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew; and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from which is suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly attacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at this moment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of defaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been displayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circ.u.mstances.

His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was called the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity of wearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to act at all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep moving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said, that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Man and Still.'"{1}

1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a pubic-house in Oxford Road.

~~345~~~ "Why," cried Bob, "there seems to be as little of still life about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who is that dingy gentleman who pa.s.sed us within the last minute, and who appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the opposite side--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor."

"That," replied Tom, "is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib for a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediately after flew for protection to a n.o.ble Lord, who entertained a penchant for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; and having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she made her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, and in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of never transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission would be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without her host,--for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to her proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and the deserted though still _cara sposa_, has kept the portals of his door, as well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since."

At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty shake, exclaimed,--

"Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are there too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--going any where--or any thing to do--eh--d------me."

"Quite _ad libitum_," replied Dashall, "happy to see Gayfield well and in prime twig,--allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq."

"You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new--can't live without novelty--who's up, who's down--what's the wonder of the day--how does the world wag--where is the haven of destination, and how do you weather the point."

~~346~~~ "Zounds," replied Tom, "you ask more questions in a breath than we three can answer in an hour."

"Never mind--don't want you to answer; but at all events must have something to say--hate idleness either in speech or action--hate talking in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a statue.

Talking of statues--I have it--good thought, go see Achilles, the ladies man--eh! what say you. D------me, made of cannons and other combustibles--Waterloo to wit--Come along, quite a bore to stand still--yea or nay, can't wait."

"With all my heart," said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, "it is quite new since my departure from town; "and joining arms, they proceeded towards the Park.

"Been out of town," continued Gayfield,--"thought so--lost you all at once--glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the country--always inquire--can't live without novelty--go to see every thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers--Irish distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you live in the country--can't imagine."

"And I apprehend," replied Sparkle, "it will be of little use to explain; for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know every thing."

"Good, but severe--never mind, I never trouble my head with other people's thoughts--always think for myself, let others do as they like.

Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. Never ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,--the Egyptian Tomb,--the------"

Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, or even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob.

~~347~~~ "What is the matter," inquired Gayfield, unconscious of being the cause of their risibility. "I see nothing to laugh at, d------me, but I do love laughing, so I'll enjoy a little with you at all events; "and immediately he became a partic.i.p.ator in their mirth, to the inexpressible delight of his companions; "but," continued he, "I see nothing to laugh at, and it is beneath the character of a philosopher to laugh at any thing."

"Never mind," said Dashall, "we are not of that description--and we sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present instance."

"I perfectly agree with the observation," rejoined Sparkle; "it is a case in point, and very well pointed too."

"Nothing could be better timed," said Tallyho.

"What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D------d vulgar really---quite _outre_, as we say. No, no, you ought to consider where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a good motive--what is the use of laughing."

"A philosopher," said Tom Dashall, "need scarcely ask such a question.

The superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer."

"Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us."

"And at least," said Sparkle, "that is better than nothing."

The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered the diamond ring upon his finger--pulled up his shirt collar--and at the same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon his companions.

"And this," said Sparkle, "is the so much talked of statue of Achilles--The Wellington Trophy--it is placed in a very conspicuous situation, however--and what says the pedestal--

TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, CAST FROM CANNON TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO IS INSCRIBED BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN.

~~348~~~ "Beautiful," said Gayfield--"Elegant--superb." "Bold," said Dashall, "but not very delicate." "A naked figure, truly," continued Bob, "in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and fashion, is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of modesty or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not the artist."

"For my part," said Sparkle, "I see but little in it to admire."

During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his quizzing gla.s.s in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to be highly amused and delighted.

"It affords opportunities for a variety of observations," said Dashall, "and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other."{1}

1 In all probability the following remarks will be sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much talked of statue:--

Kensington Gardens and the Park.--From three to seven o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an over-How with the _elite_ of the fashionable world. The infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female costume, the loveliness and dignity of mult.i.tudes of the fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, altogether surpa.s.sed any thing we have hitherto witnessed there.

There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages and hors.e.m.e.n, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the 'Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by some of these good folks upon this giant exotic--this Greek prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the like!'--'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet- faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!--I wonder they pulled the tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband--'Do na ye think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!'

replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away.

'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss--little girls must not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th'