Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 5

Primatologist Frans de Waal has commented, "Forgiveness is not . . .

a mysterious and sublime idea that we owe to a few millennia of Judeo- Christianity." 12 12 True-but the influence of Christianity in our culture has glo-rified the idea of unconditional forgiveness, no matter what harm was done, putting all the responsibility for healing on the victim. True-but the influence of Christianity in our culture has glo-rified the idea of unconditional forgiveness, no matter what harm was done, putting all the responsibility for healing on the victim.

Acceptance is the decision to let go of corrosive anger or resentment-that is, accepting the reality of the situation. And this is something for which research points to very real emotional and physical benefits. is the decision to let go of corrosive anger or resentment-that is, accepting the reality of the situation. And this is something for which research points to very real emotional and physical benefits. 13 13 43.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Acceptance is especially useful when the person who did the harm is un- able or unwilling to make amends, and even more so when those in conflict must continue living together-like family members-even if agreement can- not be reached.

Reconciliation is a process in which the victim and the person who hurt him find a way to repair and continue their relationship. The concept of is a process in which the victim and the person who hurt him find a way to repair and continue their relationship. The concept of reconciliation reconciliation holds the key to a better approach. Alhough some think of this as a strictly religious concept, de Waal notes that it is a process whose roots go far deeper than religion-even appearing among other species: "The fact that holds the key to a better approach. Alhough some think of this as a strictly religious concept, de Waal notes that it is a process whose roots go far deeper than religion-even appearing among other species: "The fact that monkeys, apes, and humans all engage in reconciliation behavior means that it is probably over 30 million years old. . . ." 14 14 If monkeys can reconcile, so can we. Perhaps you can even inject a little humor into the process, noting that at least you're not asking your children to pick off each other's fleas. If monkeys can reconcile, so can we. Perhaps you can even inject a little humor into the process, noting that at least you're not asking your children to pick off each other's fleas.

There is more than one path to reconciliation, but every path depends on mutual understanding. Alfie Kohn makes a wonderful suggestion that also helps children develop empathy: "[S]ay after a blow up, 'Tell me what just happened, but pretend you are your brother and describe how things might have seemed to him.'" 15 15 This approach may lead to the discovery that the harm was unintentional-something much easier to forgive. The younger the child, the more likely the harm was unintentional. This approach may lead to the discovery that the harm was unintentional-something much easier to forgive. The younger the child, the more likely the harm was unintentional.

Then there are the painful times when a quick, muttered "I'm sorry" just isn't enough to repair a rift. Ideally, your kids will have seen you apologize, so they know how to begin the process. This outline of the "Steps to Seeking Forgiveness" detailed in Appendix 2 is a guide to the reconciliation process that can be used over and over, not only helping your kids get along better, but also giving them skills they can use for a lifetime of relationships.

1. Acknowledge wrong-doing * Clarify why a certain behavior was hurtful.

* Acknowledge to yourself and others that the behavior was a mistake.

* Express genuine sorrow to all those involved for the mistake you have made.

2. Make amends * Act out of a deep sense of honoring yourself and the other party.

* Find a "stroke" that is equal to your "blow."

* Make amends in a timely manner.

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3. Commit to change * Make a clear commitment to change harmful patterns.

* Act visibly on your commitment.

* Respect the process of change.

Q: How can I help my child act on principles and not just follow the rules?

A: There is no magic day when your child graduates from only following rules to thinking about them. It was a major accomplishment to learn and follow many sets of rules: rules set by different caregivers, different rules in friends'

homes, more rules at school, the rules of games . . . the list goes on. It takes self-control to follow rules and good memory and judgment to know which rules to apply at any time. Build on those skills.

While your child is learning to live with rules, you will be hearing about it. Often a child who doesn't know the rules in a new "If you put a kid in a pro- social family, in a pro-social situation-say, a new school-gets yelled at culture, with parents who un- by the old-timers. That's not all bad; as derstand how to raise a child Arthur Dobrin points out, "[Children's]

effectively, the child comes moral development is spurred by others equipped with the tendency to whose sophistication is slightly more ad- capitalize on that and develop vanced. . . ." 16 16 As long as the rules are rea-into a good person. As long as the rules are rea-into a good person.

sonable, and it doesn't sound like other kids -Marvin Berkow of charact " "

itz, professor are leading yours into trouble, just rea.s.sure er education, her that things will get better as she learns University of Missouri17 the ropes.

Meanwhile, explain the reasons for rules. For example, when you stop for a traffic light, explain that signals help drivers take turns. When your child starts recognizing that some aspects of rules are arbitrary ("But why is the stop light red red?"), you'll know he's starting to look at rules more thoughtfully.

Bring your child more fully into the process of modifying and making rules. Taking part in rulemaking makes your kid less likely to decide, "If rules come from people, then I can make my own rules."

A first step is to modify rules when possible, in ways that give your child more choices and more responsibility. For example, replace a "clean plate" rule with an "eat healthy foods" rule. Then, if your kid doesn't want to eat her carrots at dinner, say, "Well, the carrots have lots of vitamin A; you could get yourself a 45 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief slice of cantaloupe or microwave some broccoli." (This approach also gives the child responsibility for the extra work involved.) A step that some kids can handle by age 10 is to set the rules for a limited situation. They will reach into the toolkit of rules they know, and you can figure out together which will work best. For example, you might ask, "How will we decide what to do for fun on our vacation?" One of your kids might answer, "We could take a vote every day."

Q: How can books and movies contribute to my child's ethical development?

A: Let's begin with something that many of us take for granted-the bedtime story. You already know that reading to your child at any time of day, but especially bedtime, usually creates an island of calm and closeness in your day.

But what does that have to do with ethics?

Just this: n.o.body is ethical in a vacuum. The support of friends and loved ones can help give us the strength to behave ethically despite pressure or temptation to do wrong. Anything we do that strengthens our bonds with our children makes it more likely that we can continue to support their ethical growth and remain someone they can talk to when they face ethical dilemmas.

When our kids learn to run movies and read to themselves, we can still watch with them and read some of the same books. It's a good way to stay close and to continue conversations about important topics.

Any well-told story offers material for ethical learning, even when it's not preachy. Here's a partial list.

Characters that we can identify or sympathize with give us a chance to learn compa.s.sion compa.s.sion for their problems. For example, reading about the feelings of a character who has been bullied can help your child be more understanding toward a cla.s.smate who seems to be "an obvious loser" who "practically asks" to be picked on. A teen reading for their problems. For example, reading about the feelings of a character who has been bullied can help your child be more understanding toward a cla.s.smate who seems to be "an obvious loser" who "practically asks" to be picked on. A teen reading Angela's Ashes Angela's Ashes (or seeing the movie) might learn compa.s.sion toward alcoholics by seeing how the father in the novel (or seeing the movie) might learn compa.s.sion toward alcoholics by seeing how the father in the novel drinks in response to hopelessness and prejudice. We can also be inspired inspired by the way both real and fictional people respond to life's challenges. by the way both real and fictional people respond to life's challenges. 18 18 Self-compa.s.sion-treating one's own perceived shortcomings with the same kindness and understanding that one would give a friend-isn't always easy to learn or practice. Reading about real or fictional people who have similar problems can make self-compa.s.sion easier. Maybe the author's insight into a character offers a reader insight into her own character. Or a parent reading a book with a child might comment, "Does that sound familiar?"

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Even when reading about a person with a similar problem (for exam- ple, the anxieties that go with attending a new school) doesn't lead to self-compa.s.sion, it breaks through the feeling that "I'm the only one." Feeling less isolated reaffirms the sense of connection to other people that underlies ethical behavior.

Reading also stimulates and develops your child's capacity for moral reasoning moral reasoning. Some families enjoy the direct approach of books that describe ethical dilemmas the whole family can discuss. Some of those books are recommended in the resource section, but if that's not your style, don't worry about it. Life and literature are full of situations that raise questions worth serious thinking and discussion. For example, there are many movies whose main character is a "charming rascal"; somehow, the director gets us on the side of character(s) trying to get away with committing a clever crime. What do the directors and writers do to get us to like these characters? How do we feel about those manipulations?

By reading books about people in other cultures and socioeconomic groups, we gain knowledge and understanding knowledge and understanding that are crucial to developing the that are crucial to developing the open-mindedness open-mindedness we need if we are to develop a peaceful, democratic global culture. we need if we are to develop a peaceful, democratic global culture.

Finally, many freethinkers enjoy giving their children myths and fairy tales to read, reasoning in part that the kids will see the resemblance between those stories and various scriptures.

All true-but let's look at another reason for reading myths and legends.

Their common themes are another way of showing us that different human groups have a lot in common. For example, the "trickster" character occurs in many cultures' lore-Loki in Norse mythology, Coyote among Native American cultures, Anansi the spider in many African cultures, and Reynard the Fox in European folklore. Myths also offer a symbolic or allegorical way to talk about real-life problems such as sibling rivalry. Enjoy them, and-for the best medicine against literalist thinking, for imaginative exercise, and just plain fun-encourage your kids to make up their own.

47.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Activities In addition to specific activities, in this section you'll find ways to generally encourage ethical development and reflection, things to discuss and ways to discuss them, and things to think about and ways to think about them. ways to discuss them, and things to think about and ways to think about them.

If I Made the Rules All ages We live in a world abuzz with lists of ethical rules, rights, and responsibilities: Buddhism's "n.o.ble Eightfold Path" of conduct, school honor codes, Franklin Roosevelt's Four Freedoms, our Bill of Rights, the United Nations' Universal Declaration of Human Rights-the lists go on and on (see Appendix 2 for examples). And, of course, these days we hear constant discussion of the Ten Commandments. All of these lists include at least some pretty good rules.

There are others that your kids will likely think should not make anyone's top ten list of the most important ethical ideas.

How do those rules come to be? People invent and discuss them, of course, and your kids can have a taste of the experience. Have each family member come up with his or her own list of up to ten rules to make a more perfect world, ones that each person would be willing to live by.

Then compare notes. Where do people agree or disagree, and why? That will stretch everyone's moral reasoning and might even get you to question some a.s.sumptions.

Bonus 1: Try cutting your lists down to just five rules. Deciding which rules are more important is another great exercise in moral reasoning.

Can you get down to three? One?

Bonus 2: Once you've got your rules to live by, enhance the discussion by talking about how you would get people to follow them. Should there Once you've got your rules to live by, enhance the discussion by talking about how you would get people to follow them. Should there be punishments for noncompliance? Rewards? Use Kohlberg's six lev- els of moral development (in kid terms) to frame it: Level 1: Fear of punishment Level 2: Hope of reward Level 3: Desire for social approval Level 4: Rules are rules Level 5: Rules are good but changeable Level 6: Follow universal principles 48.

Should you start at the top, appealing to universal principles, or at the bottom, by threatening rule breakers with punishment? Why?

You Did What Now?

Ages 6+ Materials: index cards Write a number of one-sentence scenarios on index cards, some embarra.s.sing, some not, some ethical, some not. Examples: * You put a frog down a bully's pants, and he punched someone else in the nose for it.

* You wrote nasty things about your enemy in the bathroom stall.

* You picked up someone else's trash.

* You started a false rumor that someone's father was in prison.

* You copied your older brother's paper from last year and never got caught.

* You didn't do so well on a test, even though you studied but did not cheat.

* You received a trophy for winning a race when you know you cheated.

* You turned in a friend for shoplifting candy, and now everyone's calling you a snitch.

* Seeing a glow out the window, you jumped out of the tub, ran naked to the neighbors' burning house, and woke them just in time.

* You hurt your ankle and didn't finish the walk-a-thon for homeless kids- but lied to your sponsors so you'd have money to give to the cause.

Now someone takes a turn as a reporter who does an on-the-spot inter- view based on one of the cards. The script goes something like this: "We're here with Mary who's had a pretty amazing day. Mary, we understand you started a rumor today that Sam's dad was in prison. Why did you do it, and do you think that was the right thing to do?" The interviewee (who didn't know which scenario would be thrown at her) responds on the spot by either justifying the act or saying why she wishes she hadn't done it. The reporter might then follow up ("Would you do it again?" or "Is there anything you'd do differently next time?").

This exercise is a two-for-one game. The interviewee has to practice em- pathy by imagining the feelings of the person who "did the deed" and and engage in moral reasoning to explain whatever position she takes. engage in moral reasoning to explain whatever position she takes.

49.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Invite kids to come up with their own scenarios combining ethical issues and social constraints (right versus wrong plus plus social approval/disapproval, punishment/reward, principles, etc). social approval/disapproval, punishment/reward, principles, etc). 19 19 Creating a Family Vision For the parent(s) With your parenting partner or alone if you are a single parent, create a vision of your family culture. Do this before you start a family, or at any time later on, just to see if you're on the same page.

Each of you take a piece of paper and write down five statements begin- ning, "In my family, we . . ." Sample endings might be, " . . . have a lot of fun"; " . . . drop everything when somebody says 'Come see this wonderful spider web' "; " . . . create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe."

Show each other what you've written and talk it over. Where is there over- lap? Are there any disagreements? Can you merge your lists? You probably don't want more than ten statements because too many are too hard to re- member. But, in the future, you can look at your lists to ask, "Does what we are doing reflect our family culture?"

When your kids are older, turn this same activity into a family game that will tell you a lot about how you well you are communicating your values.

Getting Down to the Roots For the parent(s) Sooner or later, every parent unconsciously imitates his or her own parents- both the things we liked and the things we disliked. Thinking about this ahead of time can be very helpful down the line. Make a list for each of your parents of three behaviors you would like to emulate and three you would like to avoid: for example, "I loved it when mom/dad was playful," or "I got really scared by mom's/dad's outbursts of anger."

Share this list with your parenting partner(s). Talk about how you would like to handle these issues. For example, if some day you are hypercritical of one of your kids, would you want your co-parent to take you aside later, and say something like, "Did you really want to be so hard on Tom? I was reminded of what you said about how you felt like you could never live up to your parents' standards."

If you are a single parent, check the list now and then to see if there is a comfortable match between your parenting ideals and the reality.

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Clarifying Your Family's Ethics For the parent(s) A great time to start clarifying your ethics is before your kids are born. Once they're born, and life keeps throwing new challenges at you, you'll continue, and probably never stop. Even when your values don't change, there will be questions about how to apply them in new situations.

Different approaches to defining your values work better for different people. You and your parenting partner(s) might like to begin with the values mentioned in this chapter, or described in the statements listed in the resource section. Or you might start by discussing what you were brought up to value, or what you like and admire about other people. Sometimes you might find that what you like leads you to a deeper discussion. For example, I like people who are unpretentious; if I dig deeper, I realize this is another way of saying I think it's important for people to treat each other as equals.

Try to come up with a list of eight to ten principles that you can agree on.

Talk about what they mean in practice.

Especially important for freethinkers: As your children interact with oth- ers in their school and your community (and maybe your extended family), how will you help them balance the values of "respecting other people's opinions" and "standing up for your own convictions"?

Encouraging Moral Reasoning at Different Stages All ages Materials: The Kids' Book of Questions The Kids' Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PhD, or (for older kids) a few issues of the by Gregory Stock, PhD, or (for older kids) a few issues of the New York Times Sunday Magazine New York Times Sunday Magazine (for "The Ethicist" column) (for "The Ethicist" column) Next time you're headed out for a road trip, pack a copy of the Gregory Stock book, which includes over 250 short, simple questions to discuss. Examples: * Would you rather be very poor but have parents who loved you and each Would you rather be very poor but have parents who loved you and each other, or be fabulously wealthy but have parents who ignored you and were other, or be fabulously wealthy but have parents who ignored you and were always fighting with each other? always fighting with each other?

* Adults can do more, but they have more responsibilities. Children can play Adults can do more, but they have more responsibilities. Children can play more, but they get told what to do. Do you think kids or adults have a better more, but they get told what to do. Do you think kids or adults have a better deal? deal?

51.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief * If everyone else in your cla.s.s would be killed unless you agreed to sacrifice If everyone else in your cla.s.s would be killed unless you agreed to sacrifice your own life, would you do it? Would it matter if no one would ever know your own life, would you do it? Would it matter if no one would ever know what you had done? what you had done?

* Have you ever gotten yourself into a mess by telling people you could do something you couldn't? Have you ever gotten yourself into a mess by telling people you could do something you couldn't?

When your kids take a position, ask them why they think it is right. Give reasons if you have a different opinion.

Bring the ethical dimension into your everyday life as well. When reading fiction or watching movies, talk about the ways characters resolve ethical problems. Do your kids agree with the way they acted? Why? If the character felt he or she had no choice, was that true?

When there are conflicts within your family, or your kids mention prob- lems they're having with friends or at school, bring ethical principles into the discussion of how to resolve them. Introduce the basic language of ethics (fairness, reciprocity, integrity, consistency, etc.) to give them words for their developing concepts.

Keeping Track of Your Family's Values in the Community Setting Keep informed about "character education" programs at your child's school.

Read materials sent home for parents; read materials given to your child; attend parent meetings. Some programs are less effective than others, and some may promote values different from your own. Whether you agree or disagree with what is taught, you will want to talk it over with your child. If you disagree with what is being taught, you may be able to work with others to change the program. If you have the time to volunteer with the parent-teacher a.s.sociation, or on a school site committee, you may be able to encourage use of some of the resources given here or other worthy programs.

Humanistic Discipline: The "5 Es" in Action For the parent(s) Example: Set an example of willingness to change by asking your child to help you. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, ask your child to say, "Don't even look!" when you are offered the dessert menu in a restaurant. Set an example of willingness to change by asking your child to help you. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, ask your child to say, "Don't even look!" when you are offered the dessert menu in a restaurant.

Explanation: With very young children: Look for at least one chance a day to explain what you're doing. For example, when your child is finished drawing, 52 With very young children: Look for at least one chance a day to explain what you're doing. For example, when your child is finished drawing, 52say, "Let's put away the crayons now. We don't want them in the way when we We don't want them in the way when we set the table for dinner. set the table for dinner. " Or, " Or, "So they won't get lost. "So they won't get lost. " "

For older children: Before introducing new rules, discuss the explanation with your parenting partner. Discuss whether, in this case, it would be appropriate to discuss alternatives with your child.

Encouragement: Together with your parenting partner, read "Five Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job!'" by Alfie K Together with your parenting partner, read "Five Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job!'" by Alfie Kohn ( www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm), or watch the video "How to Praise Children" (www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/ half_full/?p=55). Think about something each of your children has done that deserves encouragement. Role-play what you will say to your child. Practice encouraging each other, too! It feels good, and you can give each other feedback on whether your words are truly encouraging. Think about something each of your children has done that deserves encouragement. Role-play what you will say to your child. Practice encouraging each other, too! It feels good, and you can give each other feedback on whether your words are truly encouraging.

Engagement: Whether you're thinking of discipline as "getting your kid to do what you want her to do," or "teaching your kids life-skills," engaging them in choosing goals and the means of achieving those goals is your best hope for success. Whether you're thinking of discipline as "getting your kid to do what you want her to do," or "teaching your kids life-skills," engaging them in choosing goals and the means of achieving those goals is your best hope for success.

Widening the Circles of Empathy All ages A good case can be made that acceptance and appreciation of difference acceptance and appreciation of difference is the central value of humanistic ethics. Although this is explored in greater detail in "Finding and Creating Community" chapter 8, here are a few ways for families to accentuate and celebrate difference. is the central value of humanistic ethics. Although this is explored in greater detail in "Finding and Creating Community" chapter 8, here are a few ways for families to accentuate and celebrate difference.

Who's in your boat? In our social relationships, empathy is based on the feeling that we have something in common with others-the awareness that In our social relationships, empathy is based on the feeling that we have something in common with others-the awareness that "We're in the same boat." Yet cultural awareness usually cla.s.sifies us into a few groups such as gender, race, or religion-groups that are often a.s.sumed to be in conflict. Sometime, when the issue comes up naturally-your child heard an ethnic slur used at school, for example, or your newspaper reports a bigoted statement made by a politician-play this game: Have your whole family sit down with pencil and paper, set a timer, and take 5 minutes for each of you to list every group you can think of that you belong to. When the 5 minutes are up, compare lists and make suggestions to each other about how to get a nice, long list-say, thirty items. They can be trivial ("people whose favorite color is purple") or serious ("people with learning 53 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief disabilities"), voluntary ("favorite sport is hockey") or involuntary ("left-handed"). The game prepares you to talk about how complicated people are, and the many ways in which each of us has something in common with every- one else. 20 20 What's in a word? Exploring other languages is fun, and teaches appreciation of cultural diversity, partly because different languages often reflect different ways of thought. If you and/or your parenting partner speak more than one Exploring other languages is fun, and teaches appreciation of cultural diversity, partly because different languages often reflect different ways of thought. If you and/or your parenting partner speak more than one language, speak two languages at home, at least part of the time. Otherwise, get some bilingual dictionaries or use the Internet to learn five ways to say important words and phrases like "please,""thank you,""far away,""silly," or anything else the kids choose (have a "word for the day," a "word for the week,"

theme words, such as sports terminology or birds' names-whatever your fam- ily enjoys).

Out and about. Visit ethnic neighborhoods. Go on holidays like Chinese New Year or Cinco de Mayo, but also at any time of year visit neighborhood cultural centers, grocery stores, and so forth, surrounding yourself with sounds and signs in another language-and maybe bringing home a new food to try. (If Visit ethnic neighborhoods. Go on holidays like Chinese New Year or Cinco de Mayo, but also at any time of year visit neighborhood cultural centers, grocery stores, and so forth, surrounding yourself with sounds and signs in another language-and maybe bringing home a new food to try. (If you live in a very h.o.m.ogeneous community, save this idea for a vacation.) Understand the other side. It's always tempting to demonize the opposition, especially when their behavior is obnoxious. But we do need to see their humanity, even if we continue to disagree with their point of view. It's worth watching the movie It's always tempting to demonize the opposition, especially when their behavior is obnoxious. But we do need to see their humanity, even if we continue to disagree with their point of view. It's worth watching the movie Jesus Camp Jesus Camp together to understand the influences that make evangelicals act the way they do-especially if your kids know others together to understand the influences that make evangelicals act the way they do-especially if your kids know others who are religiously self-righteous. Watch for the scene in which the kids at the camp are being told that if they ever think "dirty" thoughts, they are "hypocrites," and discuss why the kids are crying.

It's equally important, of course, to point out that the people in Jesus Camp Jesus Camp don't represent all religious believers, many of whom have values that give them much more in common with the nonreligious than with their more extreme coreligionists. For example, you could visit websites of pro-choice don't represent all religious believers, many of whom have values that give them much more in common with the nonreligious than with their more extreme coreligionists. For example, you could visit websites of pro-choice Catholics who speak up against their church's hierarchy, or talk about how segments of many religious denominations support gay rights, and how others refuse to condemn those outside their faiths as "evil."

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Using Literature to Talk About Ethics All ages Keep your eyes open for opportunities to have conversations with your children about the ethical messages of books and movies. Don't be heavy-handed and bring them up every time, but do it when you feel strongly, and be responsive to your kids' own questions. Ask them what they they think of statements by the author, or the characters' actions. Here are a couple of examples: think of statements by the author, or the characters' actions. Here are a couple of examples: Read the popular children's book The Little Prince. The Little Prince. In one part of the story, the prince describes his travels to imaginary planets. On one planet, the prince finds a man whose job is to light the village gaslights every night (here's your chance to offer a little history education!). The town is deserted now, but the lamplighter continues his nightly rounds because it is "his duty." The prince admires this att.i.tude. Ask your child, "Do you agree?" In one part of the story, the prince describes his travels to imaginary planets. On one planet, the prince finds a man whose job is to light the village gaslights every night (here's your chance to offer a little history education!). The town is deserted now, but the lamplighter continues his nightly rounds because it is "his duty." The prince admires this att.i.tude. Ask your child, "Do you agree?"

Watch the new movie version of Charlotte's Web Charlotte's Web with your family. In this story, a little girl named Fern makes a pet of a pig who is the runt of the litter, naming him Wilbur. Ultimately, a spider named Charlotte, who lives in the with your family. In this story, a little girl named Fern makes a pet of a pig who is the runt of the litter, naming him Wilbur. Ultimately, a spider named Charlotte, who lives in the barn with Wilbur, saves his life. Another character in the story is a very self-centered rat named Templeton. Questions you might ask: * When Fern's father is about to slaughter Wilbur, Fern stops him, protesting, "I promised Wilbur I would protect him." Her father tries to release her from the promise, but she replies, "I promised Wilbur, not you." How about it? Can one person release you from your promise to another person?

* When Wilbur is at the County Fair, Fern barely pays attention to him, instead spending most of her time with a friend from school. Is that dis- loyal? (The author clearly didn't think so, but it will be interesting to see what your kids think-especially whether the older kids do get what the author was driving at.) * Templeton the rat runs various errands-sometimes risky ones-for Charlotte and Wilbur, but only when they bribe him. Ask your kids, "Is Templeton a true friend?"

* When Charlotte weaves a web that describes Wilbur as "Some Pig," peo- ple call it "a miracle." What does that tell us about miracles?

For more ideas on how to discuss stories with young children, take a look at the website "Teaching Children Philosophy" at www.teachingchildren philosophy.com. (At the time of writing, this site was called "Philosophy for 55 (At the time of writing, this site was called "Philosophy for 55 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Children: Philosophical Questions from Children's Stories" and was located at www.mtholyoke.edu/omc/kidsphil/stories.html, but plans are underway to permanently relocate to the new URL above). There's lots of information for but plans are underway to permanently relocate to the new URL above). There's lots of information for parents, including very specific discussions of the philosophical issues in deservedly popular children's books (not all of them are ethical issues, but all of them are well worth reading). Don't feel you have to use every question from every question set. Adapt to what works for you, and most of all, have fun have fun!