Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 15

Fortunately, there are genuinely comforting ways to help children accept the finality of death-both of others and of themselves-without the need for afterlife fantasies. This chapter will offer several ways to provide that honest comfort, as well as additional resources for further exploration.

The Buddha and the Mustard Seed When I lost a baby in an ectopic pregnancy, it was a sad and scary time for my 5-year-old. Just a couple of weeks earlier, we had been happily making up songs about the new baby we would be welcoming into our family. But then her mommy spent three days in the hospital for surgery.

When I came home, I had to tell my daughter that our baby was not going to be born, and I was too sore to take her on my lap and comfort her.

We could still snuggle, though, and a few days later, as we cuddled on the sofa, I impulsively asked her, "Have I ever told you the story of Buddha and the mustard seed?"

When she shook her head, I told her, "Once there was a great teacher called Buddha. Some people thought he could do magic. One morning, a mother came to him carrying the body of her dead child. She said, "I've heard that you can do miracles. Will you bring my child back to life? My heart is broken without him."

He answered, "If you can bring me a mustard seed from a house where no one has died, bring it back to me at the end of the day, and I will use it to revive your child."

Then I said to my daughter, "We can act out the story of what hap- pened then. Knock on the wall, and I'll pretend to open the door, and you be the mother asking me for the mustard seed."

She knocked. With a door-opening gesture, I said, "Yes?" She ex- plained, "If I can bring the Buddha a mustard seed from a house where no one has died, he will use it to bring my baby back to life." I answered, "I'm sorry. I wish I could help you, but my grandfather died just last week.

He was very old and it was time, but we miss him anyway."

178.I said, "Now let's try another house." This time, the story I told was that, just a month before, my husband had been run over by an ox cart, and my family didn't know what we would do. I told her that the two women talked for a while, comforting each other.

We imagined a few more visits. At one, the man who answered the door commented, "You've been walking a long time. You look tired and thirsty. Would you like to come to rest and have a drink of water?"

Eventually, I ended the story, "At the end of the day, the woman went back to Buddha and said, 'Now I understand,' and he helped her bury her baby."

Each day for the next few days, we reenacted the story, sometimes making up different incidents in the lives of the people we visited. Then one day, my daughter said, "You be the mommy, and knock at my door."

So I did, and when I told her my story, she answered, "I can't give you a mustard seed, because we were going to have a baby, but the baby died. But my mommy and daddy are going to try and have another baby, maybe you could, too."

"That's a good idea," I said. "Thank you for telling me that." And we hugged.

As it turned out, I never did have another baby. But my daughter had learned valuable lessons about creating meaning from painful experi- ences. She learned that we are not alone with our problems, and there is comfort in knowing that. She learned how people in pain and need can comfort each other by giving each other compa.s.sion and support. She built a network of friends who were like brothers and sisters. Some of them even call me "Ma." That's a lot of emotional nourishment from one little mustard seed!

-Molleen Matsumura Obligation 2: To Help Our Children Engage a Most Profound Concept Someone once said that the single most significant and profound thing about our existence is that it ends, rivaled only by the fact that it begins. 4 4 One of my objections to the idea of an afterlife is that it deflects our attention from the deep and honest consideration of mortality by pretending that, what do you know, we aren't really mortal after all. One of my objections to the idea of an afterlife is that it deflects our attention from the deep and honest consideration of mortality by pretending that, what do you know, we aren't really mortal after all.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Nonreligious parents are in a unique position to help their children begin a lifetime of powerful reflection on death and life, dipping their minds into the deepest and richest streams of thought. It's not always easy to be mortal, but do we really want to limit our children's experience of the world to those things that are "always easy"? Haven't we discovered by now that the most meaningful engagement in life includes challenges?

I wax rhetorical.

Michel de Montaigne, my favorite philosopher, said that "to philosophize is to "We pause to ask our- selves the questions that human learn how to die." And Montaigne wasn't the beings have always asked, only one to put the contemplation of death questions that help to define at the center of our intellectual universe. As what a human being is: "Why parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give am I here?" "What is death?"

our children is a healthy start on the honest "How should I be living now?"

engagement with the biggest idea they will These are not morbid reflec- ever confront. The choice, after all, isn't be- tions; they throw life into per- tween helping them confront death and spective. If we had a thousand helping them avoid it. They will will encounter encounter years to live, such questions it. And just as with s.e.xuality, alcohol, reli- would lack urgency. It is death, gion, drugs, and all sorts of other things they ironically, that prompts us to will eventually encounter, the worst thing we learn how to live.

can do is strive to keep them as ignorant as possible of the subject. The longer they are H.

-Eknath Easwaran, kept from thinking about these things, the indu author and professor more dysfunctionally they will confront of English Literature them once they finally do. That doesn't re- motely imply a "deal-with-it" approach to death. On the contrary: Talking openly, honestly, and compa.s.sionately about mortality is the best way to protect our children from being painfully blindsided by it later in life.

Parenting Beyond Belief laid the foundation for a healthy consideration of death and the way it frames and makes precious our life. In this chapter we hope to translate that philosophy into practical, concrete ideas for approaching and embracing the stunning fact that one day we will cease to be-and the equally stunning fact that we first have the opportunity to laid the foundation for a healthy consideration of death and the way it frames and makes precious our life. In this chapter we hope to translate that philosophy into practical, concrete ideas for approaching and embracing the stunning fact that one day we will cease to be-and the equally stunning fact that we first have the opportunity to be. be.

180.Questions and Answers Q: How can a nonreligious person comfort a "Death is a fact of life. As rational adults we all know this.

child who has experienced a devastating loss?

As anxious parents, however, we also want to deny it and A: Nonreligious parents who suffered the to protect our children from loss of a close relative when they were young the painful reality, especially often tell of the well-meaning but very un- when someone close to them is helpful things that were said to them: "I dying or dies. But as we have know your mother is in heaven with G.o.d."

learned from the mishandling "Jesus took her because she was so good."

of subjects like s.e.xuality with ("Now be a good girl and eat your peas.") children, ignorance and avoid- It's hard to find a mainstream expert on ance of a mysterious, fright- grief who considers religious consolations ening or emotionally charged useful or even advisable when comforting a issue can breed needless fears bereaved child. After offering many of the and anxieties, inappropriate suggestions listed below, such experts will behavior and persistent psy- typically include an apologetic coda- some- chological trauma.

thing like, "Depending on your family's reli- gious tradition, you may wish to explain a -Jane Brody, P column, N N"

ersonal Health person's death to your children in terms of ew York Times, G.o.d's will or an afterlife. But be aware that August 12, 1987 such statements as 'she went to be with Jesus'

can lead to feelings of confusion and abandonment, while 'G.o.d took her to be with him' can cause feelings of anger followed by guilt and fear." 5 5 Worst of all is any suggestion that the child should not be sad ("You should be happy! She's with Jesus now"), which discounts and invalidates the child's natural grief. Worst of all is any suggestion that the child should not be sad ("You should be happy! She's with Jesus now"), which discounts and invalidates the child's natural grief.

That's what not not to say and do. So what do grief specialists across the board recommend? to say and do. So what do grief specialists across the board recommend?

* Be honest. Be honest. Don't pretend that anything less than the worst event of her life has happened. Validate her pain and grief. Tell the child it is not just Don't pretend that anything less than the worst event of her life has happened. Validate her pain and grief. Tell the child it is not just "okay" to be sad: It's good. Her sadness honors her mother, showing that she loved her very much, and expresses real feelings instead of keeping them locked inside.

* Share emotions. Share emotions. Keeping a stiff upper lip in front of the children is of no help whatsoever for a grieving child. Let her know that you are grieving Keeping a stiff upper lip in front of the children is of no help whatsoever for a grieving child. Let her know that you are grieving too-or better yet, show show it. it.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief * Be patient. Be patient. There is no healthy or effective way to rush a grief process. The suggestion that "it's time to move on" should come only from the griever, There is no healthy or effective way to rush a grief process. The suggestion that "it's time to move on" should come only from the griever, not from the outside.

* Listen. Listen. Invite the child to share what she is feeling Invite the child to share what she is feeling if she wants to. if she wants to. If not, respect her silence. Listen without judgment. If not, respect her silence. Listen without judgment.

* Rea.s.sure. Rea.s.sure. You can't bring back the deceased parent, nor can you pretend he or she is somewhere else. But you can and should do everything possible to make the child feel personally safe, loved, and cared for. You can't bring back the deceased parent, nor can you pretend he or she is somewhere else. But you can and should do everything possible to make the child feel personally safe, loved, and cared for.

* Speak openly. Speak openly. The absence of the parent is the single most painful element of the loss. Avoiding the parent's name or discussion of the person The absence of the parent is the single most painful element of the loss. Avoiding the parent's name or discussion of the person can often make that sense of absence more painful and more acute. Share memories of the person and use her name or "your mom." If tears result, remember: the goal is not to avoid sadness, but to help the child work through the intense grief. Let her be the one to tell you if a conversation is too painful.

Outstanding resource: Trozzi, Maria. Trozzi, Maria. Talking with Children About Loss Talking with Children About Loss (New York: Perigee Trade, 1999). (New York: Perigee Trade, 1999).

Q: What about the reverse? A friend of mine who is a nonreligious parent recently lost her daughter to leukemia. I cannot even imagine the pain she's feeling.

All I want to do is take that pain away. Is that even possible without the promise of heaven?

A: No, it isn't possible without heaven-nor is it possible with it. Even religious parents who have lost a child still suffer an immense and consuming blow. Some even describe feeling guilt on top of the grief as they are reminded, repeatedly, that all is well in heaven and feel no better for it.

I agree that the loss of a child must surely be the most incomprehensible pain possible. One of the best things you can do is acknowledge that. Never say, "I know how you feel." You don't. Better by far to phrase it just as you have: "I cannot even imagine the pain you're feeling."

Although you can't remove the pain, there are ways to help your friend through the pain of the grief process: the pain of the grief process: * Be there. Be there. Your presence can't fill the void left by the lost child, but bereaved parents often describe that void becoming overwhelming when the parent Your presence can't fill the void left by the lost child, but bereaved parents often describe that void becoming overwhelming when the parent is alone. Offer a hug, conversation, and the simple expression "I am so sorry." Listen. Avoid all judgments.

182.* Relieve everyday burdens. Relieve everyday burdens. Don't wait to be asked. Take over bill payments, household ch.o.r.es, running the other children to school or sports, running Don't wait to be asked. Take over bill payments, household ch.o.r.es, running the other children to school or sports, running errands-so long as such help does not leave the parent alone and isolated.

* Pay special attention to surviving siblings, Pay special attention to surviving siblings, many of whom will suppress their own grief to avoid burdening the parents. Talk to them and acknowledge their own loss. many of whom will suppress their own grief to avoid burdening the parents. Talk to them and acknowledge their own loss.

* Talk about the child. Talk about the child. As in the case of a parent's death, avoiding the mention of the deceased can make the absence more intense. As in the case of a parent's death, avoiding the mention of the deceased can make the absence more intense.

* Stay in touch. Stay in touch. Things will never be the same for a bereaved parent. Don't a.s.sume that a return to work or the pa.s.sage of a set amount of time represents the end of a need for support. Things will never be the same for a bereaved parent. Don't a.s.sume that a return to work or the pa.s.sage of a set amount of time represents the end of a need for support. 6 6 Outstanding organization for bereaved parents: The Compa.s.sionate Friends The Compa.s.sionate Friends ( www.compa.s.sionatefriends.org), with more than 600 chapters in the United States and United Kingdom. "Espouse[s] no specific religious or philosophical ideology."

Q: I have heard of the Day of the Dead celebration from Mexico. What is it?

Would it be a good way for secular parents to help our children think about death?

A: The Day of the Dead (celebrated November 12) is a fascinating example of the syncretism found in many cultures with colonization in their past. The practices and beliefs of the invading culture (in this case Catholic Spain) are melded with local practices and beliefs (in this case the ancient Aztec festival of Mictecacihuatl, queen of the underworld and guardian of the dead) to produce new traditions. 7 7 Like the Celtic festival of Samhain, 8 8 the Day of the Dead recognizes the moment when summer turns to winter as a time when the worlds of the living and the dead are in close proximity. People build altars to draw visits from their beloved dead, filling them with flowers and the loved ones' favorite foods. the Day of the Dead recognizes the moment when summer turns to winter as a time when the worlds of the living and the dead are in close proximity. People build altars to draw visits from their beloved dead, filling them with flowers and the loved ones' favorite foods.

Visits are made to cemeteries to communicate with the dead. Towns hold macabre processions of people dressed as skeletons or as deceased relatives, rattling beads and sh.e.l.ls to wake the dead.

Many U.S. communities now hold Day of the Dead celebrations, especially those with large Mexican expatriate populations. Although the Virgin Mary is now woven into the celebration in place of Mictecacihuatl, there are many elements of the holiday that secular families can adopt, enjoy, and use to reflect on death and the preciousness it lends to life.

(See Chapter 6, "Celebrating Life," for more on the Day of the Dead.) 183.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Q: My son is in preschool and hears all of the time from his friends that their dead grandparents go to heaven after they die and that they will see them when they die. My son has now decided that that is the truth. How can I get him away from this position? Or should I?

A: Don't think of a preschool dalliance with belief as "deciding the truth." You should ex- "Every now and then I pect your child to try on different religious think about my own death and hats along the way, declaring this or that be- I think about my own funeral.

lief, then switching a week later. It is part of And then I ask myself, "What a very healthy process of making up his own is it that I would want said?" If mind about religious questions. Simply: any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don't * Let him know what you believe and why.

want a long funeral. And if you * Encourage him to question his own be- get somebody to deliver the eu- liefs and the beliefs of others, including logy, tell them not to talk too yours.

long . . . . Tell them not to men- * Engage in broad-based comparative re- tion that I have a n.o.bel Peace ligious education as described in Chap- Prize, which isn't important. Tell ter 3.

them not to mention that I have * Let him know that he can change his three or four hundred other mind a thousand times and (most im- awards, that's not important. . . .

portant) that the final decision is entirely I'd like somebody to mention his- and mean it. and mean it.

that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life Q: Should my children (ages 6, 8, and 10) at- serving others. I'd like for some- tend the funeral of their grandmother?

body to say that day, that Mar- A: Although this depends largely on the tin Luther King, Jr., tried to love emotional makeup of each child, I strongly somebody. I want you to be recommend allowing any child who wishes able to say that day, that I did to attend to do so. In addition to the emo- try to feed the hungry. . . . I tional benefits of closure, the children will want you to say that I tried to have an opportunity to observe a family and love and serve humanity. Yes, community in the process of grieving and if you want to say that I was a saying goodbye and to be a part of that drum major, say that I was a process. They will hear their grandmother drum major for justice; say that being eulogized and remembered by those I was a drum major for right- who loved her, and they will have an oppor- eousness. And all of the other tunity to begin a lifelong contemplation of shallow things will not matter. I 184.the deepest questions surrounding life and won't have any money to leave death.

behind. I won't have the fine Ideally, you will have prepared them for and luxurious things of life to years by talking about death in naturalistic leave behind. But I just want and unforced ways as described throughout to leave a committed life this chapter, from the dead bird in the back- behind.

yard to walks in cemeteries. Given this "

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., preparation, the funeral of a loved one is a from an address at Ebenezer natural and good step forward in the process Baptist Church, February 4, 1968 of pondering the imponderable.

Q: A friend of our family died recently, and now my daughter is really worried that her dad or I will die. She keeps asking me what will happen to her if we die.

How do I answer her in a way that is realistic but also rea.s.suring?

A: The fear that his or her parents will die very often precedes and overshadows any fears a child has about his or her own mortality. Among other things, there is a sense that the older generation stands between us and death-that you are shielded from it so long as your parents are still around. 9 9 Let your child know of the many ways in which you take care of yourself and each other. No need to pretend that this is certain protection. In fact, your question implies that she has already begun to consider the aftereffects of such an event. Take the time to consider and plan for this eventuality yourself, designating a guardian or guardians, and letting your child know that even this unlikely possibility has been thought through, and that she would be safe and cared for.

Q: We need to decide who will care for our child if something should happen to us but are having some difficulty making the decision. Our siblings and parents are all very religious, have parenting views very different from our own, and live in other states. What can we do about this decision?

A: This is a difficult but important decision, one that all parents must take the time to make.

One of the best ways to proceed is to consider the hypothetical situation as concretely as possible. Your children have lost both parents, presumably without warning, throwing their world into a tailspin. Everything will have changed for them. The two most important considerations in this case are security and continuity. In other words, you want your children to end up in the 185 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief No doubt about it: We were on a Seussian bender. For three weeks, every bedtime story had been from the gruffulous world of Dr. Seuss. Then one night, in the middle of Oh, The Places You'll Go! we ran smack into mortality.

ERIN (9): Is he still alive?

DAD: Who?

ERIN: Dr. Seuss.

DAD: Oh. No, he died about fifteen years ago, I think. But he had a good long life first.

I suddenly became aware that Delaney (6) was very quietly sobbing.

DAD : Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?

DELANEY: Is anybody taking his place?

DAD : What do you mean, punkin?

DELANEY: Is anybody taking Dr. Seuss's place to write his books? (Begins a deep cry.) Because I love them so much, I don't want him to be all- done!

I hugged her tightly and started giving every lame comfort I could muster-everything short of "I'm sure he's in Heaven writing Revenge of the Lorax."

I scanned the list of Seuss books on the back cover. "Hey, you know what?" I offered lamely. "We haven't even read half of his books yet!"

"But we will read them all!" she shot back. "And then there won't be any more!" I had only moved the target, which didn't solve the problem in the least.

Laney wants to be a writer. I seized on this, telling her she could be the next Dr. Seuss. She liked that idea, and we finished the book. The next day she was at work on a story called "What Do I Sound Like?"

about a girl who didn't know her own voice because she had never spoken.

My instinct whenever one of my kids cries-especially that deep, sin- cere, wounded cry-is to get her happy again. This once entailed noth- ing more than putting something on my head-anything would do-at which point laughter would replace tears. It's a bit harder once they're older and, instead of skinned knees, they are saddened by the limitations imposed by mortality on the people they love.

186.But is "getting them happy again" the right goal?

Death is immensely sad, even as it makes life more precious. It's sup- posed to be. So I shouldn't be too quick to put something on my head or dream up a consolation every time my kids encounter the sadness of mor- tality. Let them think about what it means that Dr. Seuss is all-done, and even cry that deep, sincere, heartbreaking cry.

care of someone who will keep them safe (physically and emotionally) and provide the least jarring transition.

Religious expressions vary considerably, so you would need to consider where in the spectrum your family members fall. Moving children from a freethought home to a conservative religious home, even with well-meaning guardians, can be quite unsettling to the children at precisely the moment they need stability. If, on the other hand, a home is of a progressive religious orientation, it's entirely possible that a stable transition could be negotiated. Many liberal religionists would be perfectly willing to raise your children in an open questioning environment. Ask the person you are considering how he or she would handle questions about religion, about authority, and about the boundaries of inquiry.

Child welfare advocates also recommend minimizing other disruptions as much as possible, such as moving to another city or state or changing schools.

If you have family friends who you know well, whose parenting style and beliefs are a better fit with yours, who live locally, and are willing to take on the responsibility, such considerations can and should trump family relationships.

That's a lot of ifs, but they're worth weighing. And once you've decided on the best situation for your kids (and confirmed it with the person you've chosen), put it in writing. Consult a legal professional for advice on creating a binding doc.u.ment.

Q: My husband and I disagree about the importance of making advance plans for our own funerals. He wants us to write out detailed plans, but I just don't care.