Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 11

Mills, Andy, Becky Osborn, and Erica Neitz. Shapesville Shapesville (Carlsbad, CA: Gurze Books, 2003). An early introduction to a healthy att.i.tude regarding body image and diversity. Shapesville is a town in which friends of different shapes, sizes, colors, and skills discuss their differences and celebrate what makes each one unique. Ages 25. (Carlsbad, CA: Gurze Books, 2003). An early introduction to a healthy att.i.tude regarding body image and diversity. Shapesville is a town in which friends of different shapes, sizes, colors, and skills discuss their differences and celebrate what makes each one unique. Ages 25.

Huegel, Kelly. GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 2003). A one-of-a-kind resource for teens who are gay, questioning their s.e.xuality, or simply want to know more about the issues. Age 12+. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 2003). A one-of-a-kind resource for teens who are gay, questioning their s.e.xuality, or simply want to know more about the issues. Age 12+.

Videos Let's Get Real (2004). Doc.u.mentary short examines causes of taunting and bullying, including racial differences, s.e.xual orientation, religious differences, s.e.xual hara.s.sment, and others. Includes perspective of the bullies themselves to learn why they behave as they do. A (2004). Doc.u.mentary short examines causes of taunting and bullying, including racial differences, s.e.xual orientation, religious differences, s.e.xual hara.s.sment, and others. Includes perspective of the bullies themselves to learn why they behave as they do. Available at www.womedia.org. Ages 12+. Ages 12+.

The Point! (original 1971, remake 1986, re-released in 2004). A fabulous, offbeat TV special with psychedelic roots and a huge following. Original narrated 125 (original 1971, remake 1986, re-released in 2004). A fabulous, offbeat TV special with psychedelic roots and a huge following. Original narrated 125 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief by Dustin Hoffman, remake narrated by Ringo Starr, based on the song by Harry Nilsson. Oblio, a boy who lives in the Land of Point, becomes "pointless" and is rejected by those around him. Should he try to conform, or be himself? Available on Netflix, YouTube, and elsewhere. Ages 410.

That's a Family (2000). Created by The Respect for All Project and available through (2000). Created by The Respect for All Project and available through www.womedia.org, That's a Family That's a Family is a remarkable and entertaining film exploring the variety of forms a loving family can take. Ages 510. is a remarkable and entertaining film exploring the variety of forms a loving family can take. Ages 510.

It's Elementary (2008). "The first film of its kind to address anti-gay prejudice by providing adults with practical lessons on how to talk with kids about gay people. . . . (2008). "The first film of its kind to address anti-gay prejudice by providing adults with practical lessons on how to talk with kids about gay people. . . . It's Elementary It's Elementary shows that children are eager and able to wrestle with stereotypes and absorb new facts about what it means to be gay or lesbian." Created by The Respect for All Project and available through shows that children are eager and able to wrestle with stereotypes and absorb new facts about what it means to be gay or lesbian." Created by The Respect for All Project and available through www .womedia.org.

Finding Additional Resources As a person who engages in critical thinking, you probably already have the skills you need to evaluate the resources on the parenting shelf at the library or bookstore, or the curriculum being used by your school district's s.e.x education program. A few quick things to look at when evaluating books or curricula-what publishing house or organization released this information, what year was it published, and what are the qualifications of the authors. Just because an organization has a reputable-sounding name doesn't mean it is promoting accurate information. One example: An organization called "The Medical Inst.i.tute for s.e.xual Health" is actually an abstinence-only advocacy organization that releases information and statistics that exclusively support its agenda, despite scientific evidence to the contrary. 24 24 The publication date is especially important if you are looking for technical information, like contraceptive options, since updated information and new options become available as research progresses. The publication date is especially important if you are looking for technical information, like contraceptive options, since updated information and new options become available as research progresses.

Notes.1. "Abstinence Education Faces An Uncertain Future," New York Times, New York Times, July 18, 2007; Bearman, Peter, and Hannah Bruckner, "Promising the Future: July 18, 2007; Bearman, Peter, and Hannah Bruckner, "Promising the Future: Virginity Pledges and First Intercourse," American Journal of Sociology American Journal of Sociology, 106 106 (4), (January 2001), 859912. (4), (January 2001), 859912.

126.2. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. "Not Just Another Single Issue: Teen Pregnancy Prevention's Link to Other Critical Social Issues" (February 2002). Accessed March 22, 2008, from www.teenpregnancy .org/resources/data/pdf/notjust.pdf 3. The Guttmacher Inst.i.tute. "U.S. Teenage Pregnancy Statistics: National and State Trends and Trends by Race and Ethnicity" (September 2006).

Available at www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2006/09/12/USTPstats.pdf 4. Abma, J.C. et al. "Teenagers in the United States: s.e.xual Activity, Contraceptive Use, and Childbearing, 2002, Vital and Health Statistics Vital and Health Statistics, 2004, Series 23, No. 24; Santelli, J.S., et al., Explaining Recent Declines in Adolescent Pregnancy in the United States: The Contribution of Abstinence and Improved Contraceptive Use" American Journal of Public Health American Journal of Public Health (2007) 97 97(1), 17.

5. Study commissioned by U.S. Congress and conducted by Mathematica Pol- icy Research, Inc. See www.mathematica-mpr.com/welfare/abstinence.asp 6. Darroch, J.E., J.J. Frost, and S. Singh. "Teenage s.e.xual and Reproductive Behavior in Developed Countries: Can More Progress Be Made?" Occasional Report Occasional Report (New York: The Alan Guttmacher Inst.i.tute, 2001), No. 3. (New York: The Alan Guttmacher Inst.i.tute, 2001), No. 3.

7. Darroch, J.E. et al. Changing emphases in s.e.xuality education in U.S. public secondary schools, 19881999, Family Planning Perspectives Family Planning Perspectives (2000) (2000) 32 32(5), 204211, 265.

8. Ibid.

9. Reisser, Paul C. Focus on the Family Parents' Guide to Teen Health: Raising Focus on the Family Parents' Guide to Teen Health: Raising Physically & Emotionally Healthy Teens Physically & Emotionally Healthy Teens (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1997). (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1997).

10. Martens Miller, Patricia. s.e.x Is Not a Four-Letter Word! Talking s.e.x with s.e.x Is Not a Four-Letter Word! Talking s.e.x with Your Children Made Easier Your Children Made Easier (New York: Crossroad, 1994), p. 6668. (New York: Crossroad, 1994), p. 6668.

11. Quoted at www.contemporaryfamilies.org/subtemplate.php?t=pressReleases &ext=marryolder, based on studies by Evelyn Lehrer at the University of Illinois, Chicago. based on studies by Evelyn Lehrer at the University of Illinois, Chicago.

12. Haffner, pp. 113114.

13. Haffner, p. 27.

14. Richardson and Schuster, p. 288.

127.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief 15. Accessed March 5, 2008, from www.vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6 .htm#II 16. Ganzfried, Rabbi Shlomo in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (1870). (1870).

17. Quoted in Rizvi, Sayyid Muhammad, "Marriage and Morals in Islam"

(Ontario, Canada: Islamic Education & Information Centre, 1990).

18. He then begs forgiveness from those Christians who find his relatively reasonable att.i.tude "inflammatory." The full text is at www.focusonyourchild .com/develop/art1/A0000553.html 19. Miles, Herbert, s.e.xual Understanding Before Marriage s.e.xual Understanding Before Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000). (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000).

20. James, Lawrence, The Rise and Fall of the British Empire The Rise and Fall of the British Empire (London: St. Martin's Griffin, 1997). (London: St. Martin's Griffin, 1997).

21. Quoted in Asimov, Eric, "Can Sips at Home Prevent Binges?" New York New York Times Times, March 26, 2008.

22. Ibid.

23. Hawkins, Dr. David B. "How Can I Help My Depressed Spouse?" Accessed April 23, 2008, from www.crosswalk.com/marriage/1407328 24. www.siecus.org/policy/PUpdates/arch00/arch000004.html 128.

CHAPTER 5.

Ingredients of a Life Worth Living Molleen Matsumura Okay. We humanists agree that there is no karmic law, no Grand Plan, and no Grand Planner to make the world make sense for us. Instead of discovering " The Meaning of Life," we're faced with the job of creating meaningful lives for ourselves. We also agree that happiness is to be found here and now, not in some imaginary hereafter. The Meaning of Life," we're faced with the job of creating meaningful lives for ourselves. We also agree that happiness is to be found here and now, not in some imaginary hereafter.

But, how do we prepare our kids to do the same for themselves? This ques- tion may seem even more challenging for those of us who have set aside the religious views of our parents (especially if they were dogmatic), or who are determined not to "brainwash" our kids. None of us is satisfied with automatic answers, and we know we can't wave a magic wand over our kids and order them to "be happy."

It helps to remember that anyone of parenting age-or, for that matter, grandparenting age-is still living an unfinished story, whose meaning changes with new experiences. And that's the key. We don't have to do the impossible and give our kids all the answers to life's questions. Instead, we can join them in the adventure of meaningful living and help them develop the emotional and intellectual skills that make for a full life.

Just as humanists recognize that there is no one true meaning of life, the same is true for definitions of happiness. There are different sources of happiness; for any one person, some types of happiness are more meaningful and more attainable than others. But we can draw upon acc.u.mulated human wisdom for ideas that will resonate with our own and our children's experiences.

129.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Even a casual search through quotations about happiness will reveal some common "There is not one big cos- mic meaning for all, there is themes. People define happiness as: only the meaning we each give Pleasure: "Then I commended mirth, to our life, an individual mean- because a man hath no better thing ing, an individual plot, like an under the sun, than to eat, and to individual novel, a book for drink, and to be merry. . . ." 1 1 each person.

Rewarding work: "The happiness that is "

-Anais Nin, novelist genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live." 2 2 "Happiness . . . lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort." "Happiness . . . lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort." 3 3 Love and connection: "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." 4 4 Altruism, or dedication to something larger than oneself: "The way to be happy is to try and make somebody else so." 5 5 "Many people have a wrong idea of what const.i.tutes true happiness. It is not attained "Many people have a wrong idea of what const.i.tutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." 6 6 These same themes emerge from research in the field of positive psychol- ogy, which has developed a tremendous amount of information on what makes people feel that life is worthwhile. 7 7 This chapter will include some core ideas you can apply right away, followed up by resources you can use to build on your own experiences. And, since there is more information than can be This chapter will include some core ideas you can apply right away, followed up by resources you can use to build on your own experiences. And, since there is more information than can be covered in one book, let alone one chapter, it will emphasize issues that particularly concern humanist parents.

One idea I will borrow from researchers is that it is useful to understand and cultivate many different components of a satisfying life.

Questions and Answers Q: Aren't some people naturally more cheerful than others? What can a parent be expected to do about natural temperament?

A: Yes, there is evidence that some people are born more cheerful or opti- mistic. This isn't surprising, considering that body chemistry affects our moods. But . . . well, there are two big "buts": First, it isn't easy to take into account all the factors affecting a person's mood. For example, if one of your kids tends to get whiny just before dinner-130time, that doesn't necessarily mean he is your grouchiest child. It could be that this child's moods are more affected by hunger. Another example would be a child who is more easily frustrated by certain kinds of tasks, presenting her parents with the challenges of recognizing that what looks like bad temper is really frustration, then figuring out what it is that frustrates her and how to help her cope.

Second, having a less cheerful tempera- ment doesn't automatically condemn people "Meaning is not what you start with, but what you end up to unhappy lives. They can learn to maxi- with.

mize their capacity for enjoyment and find other sources of life satisfaction that are " -Peter Elbow,writer -Peter Elbow,writer based on their particular strengths, and their parents can help them learn how to do so. For example, a child who is always curious and asks lots of questions may find fulfillment as a scientist or explorer. The caring, generous child may grow into a pa.s.sionate advocate for social justice.

Q: The search for meaning is often depicted as some grand experience-six months in a cave, climbing a mountain, crossing a desert in your bare feet. How can simpler, more ordinary pleasures contribute to a meaningful life?

A: On a December day twenty-odd years ago, my 3-year-old and I made a gumdrop wreath. Chatting and laughing as we used toothpicks to attach the gumdrops to a circular base, we tasted each color.

When we were almost done, she sighed and said dreamily, "Life is good!"

This simple pleasure was more complicated than it seems at first glance.

We had fun fitting different-sized gumdrops onto the base like pieces of a puzzle, and there was a warm undercurrent of affection as we worked together.

But the sensory pleasure was certainly important, and that wasn't entirely simple, either: Quickly gobbling ten gum drops of any one flavor wouldn't have been nearly as much fun as stretching out the experience, slowly nibbling at and comparing the different flavors. Without planning to, I gave my daughter an important lesson in savoring a simple pleasure. It was an example of the proverbial advice to linger and smell the roses.

Q: We hear a lot of complaints (some of them valid) about too much hedonism and materialism in everyday life, but there is also a strong puritanical streak in our culture that distrusts pleasure. Just think about the phrase "sinfully delicious." How can I protect my kids from picking up this same puritanical streak?

131.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief A: One way or another, we've all heard these messages. Let's look at some examples: "Avoid pleasure to prevent overindulgence." Please give me some bath-water-I have a baby to throw away! We can teach our kids modera- Please give me some bath-water-I have a baby to throw away! We can teach our kids modera- tion. For example, "Are you sure you want a second slice of cake? Last time it gave you a tummyache."

"Pleasure-seeking is selfish and self-centered." It can be; but if pleasure-seeking isn't interfering with any obligations, then it's not selfish. Also, pleasure is often more fun when it involves sharing or cooperation. It can be; but if pleasure-seeking isn't interfering with any obligations, then it's not selfish. Also, pleasure is often more fun when it involves sharing or cooperation.

Think of waterskiing-somebody has to be at the wheel while some- body's on the skis.

Every time you say something like, "I can't wait till everybody else gets home so they can hear this music," you are modeling the fun of sharing pleasure. On the other hand, you will want to help your chil- dren understand that we don't all enjoy the same things. Often, there is some reciprocity involved: "I won't drag you into my game of Scrab- ble, and you won't pester me to go for a walk right now."

"Because pleasure doesn't last, we shouldn't bother with it." This line of thought, embedded deep in the Protestant ethic and other ascetic religious traditions, contrasts "bad," transient, earthly pleasures with This line of thought, embedded deep in the Protestant ethic and other ascetic religious traditions, contrasts "bad," transient, earthly pleasures with "good," supposedly eternal pleasures. It is closely related to a question often asked of the nonreligious: "If you think you will someday cease to exist, why even bother getting up in the morning?"

Yes, life itself is transient, and the humanist response is to trea- sure life all the more for that very reason. In valuing life, we value what makes life good. The fragility of a spiderweb sparkling with morning dew doesn't make it any less beautiful.

If we understand that sensory pleasures are only one part of a good life, it's enough that pleasure is good as long as it lasts. And, we can help our children learn to recognize which activities give them most pleasure, as well as helping them be open to enjoying new experiences.

Pleasures are the sugars in the feast of life. They are enjoyable in themselves, and often handy as a quick energy source, but we also need more substantial sources of satisfaction. "Flow" is an emotional expe- rience that more strongly sustains the feeling that life is meaningful.

132.Q: What is "flow," and how does it contribute to a worthwhile life?

A: Flow is a state of being we've all experienced, although many of us don't necessarily have a name for it, or know what has been learned about it in scientific studies. By identifying positive emotions in categories more specific than "happiness" and investigating which of these emotions people experience during various activities, researchers have characterized the type of experience called "flow." Some familiar examples from daily life will make it easier to grasp a description of what "flow" is: * A musician rehearsing just before a concert.

* A toddler focused on learning to walk.

* A novelist who is "on a roll."

* A hobbyist concentrating on putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

* Friends lost in intense conversation.

Flow is not as simple as "being happy." It is about being present in the moment, thinking neither of past nor future, attending fully to the activity at Taking Time to Savor Life According to the Inst.i.tute on Character, of the twenty-four strengths that they have measured among thousands of people, five are most important to life satisfaction: grat.i.tude, optimism, zest, curiosity, and the ability to love and be loved.

What's notable about "grat.i.tude" is that you don't have to be grate- ful to anyone or anything in particular; what's needed is the ability to appreciate or savor the little gems that stud everyday life.

I wasn't thinking about this on the rainy winter day about twenty years ago when I was climbing the steps home and saw a millipede, the first I'd ever seen. I'd never heard of the twenty-four strengths. I just knew that here was something beautiful and amazing. I ran up another thirty steps, burst into the front door, and told my family, "There is something you've got to see!"

We trooped back down the stairs to admire the lovely insect. I placed a leaf in front of it and it crawled on, then I gently lifted the leaf so we could study the finely segmented body.

133.

Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Our new friend fell off the leaf onto its back-fortunately, it didn't fall too far and was unhurt. We watched in admiration as, moving a few pairs of legs at a time, the millipede gracefully spiraled back onto its belly and resumed its journey across the step. Then we went indoors and made dinner.

Finding the millipede was just one of many wonderful moments for our family. The best thing about them is that we never said anything about ap- preciating life-we were just prepared to all come running when some- one said, "You've got to see this."

Some years later, my daughter was writing a college admissions essay. Of the list of possible topics, she chose to describe what she would tell a friend about dinner at our house. I've memorized the beginning of the essay: "It's seven o'clock; do you know where your dinner is?

"I hear my mother's chair creak reluctantly as she gets up from her desk in reaction to my merry shout . . ." [Of course I was not teaching pro-crastination, I had been in flow and was teaching the importance of in- terrupting the flow experience for a good enough reason-such as feeding my child.]

My daughter's essay then went on to describe other barriers to din- ner actually reaching the table-like her telling me, "You've got to come and see this gorgeous sunset," or her father calling out, "Look! A perfect spider web!"

The essay ends with a happy description of wide-ranging dinner con- versations, and my daughter obviously has not starved to death. But she has learned the other reason that it is important not to structure all our time. Flexibility not only increases our chances to achieve flow-it also gives us time to savor the little experiences that add up to major joy.

-Molleen Matsumura hand. Someone who is simply happy may be very relaxed, while flow involves concentration.

During flow, a person is completely focused on the chosen activity, so he's not distracted by background activities like traffic noise or rain falling on him as he walks. He often loses track of time. When you look up from an absorb-ing project or a long conversation and wonder, "Where did the time go?" you've just been in flow.

134.Like happiness, flow is an experience that people seek for its own sake. A flow experience starts with an activity that a person considers worthwhile; it may not be very long-lasting or completely voluntary, it may even be something she feels obligated to do, but it is not not being done only because there's nothing better to do. A flow experience, in other words, is something we do because we value it, not just to "kill time." being done only because there's nothing better to do. A flow experience, in other words, is something we do because we value it, not just to "kill time."

Finding flow also involves finding just the right balance between an activity that is not so easy it's boring, but not so hard that it's frustrating. When you've found the balance, and an activity is challenging enough to call into play all of one's relevant skills-and maybe also bring about some improvement or learning-the flow experience is most likely to occur. 8 8 Q: I see what you mean by "flow"-but how does this relate to parenting?

A: Since flow experiences are some of the most meaningful we can have, parents can help their children have a deeper experience of life by helping them find and engage in flow. And one of the most common enemies of flow is something over which parents have a good deal of control- "Flow with whatever may schedules.

happen and let your mind be Just when an activity is getting really in- free. Stay centered by accept- teresting and the flow experience begins to ing whatever you are doing.

take hold, it's time to set the table, leave for This is the ultimate.

preschool, go to gymnastics. Your own time -Ch "

uang Tzu, Chinese pressures can make it difficult to see that your philosopher (389286 BC)'

child isn't necessarily just being stubborn when she doesn't want to be interrupted. It can also be challenging to set aside appropriate and adequate times for extended concentration to be possible.

Not all activities that offer the flow experience are meaningful and en- riching. Take computer games. You can see why some are so attractive: They offer clear goals, immediate feedback, and a choice of skill levels so the game stays "just hard enough." But the skills involved are often useless outside the world of the game. There's nothing wrong with that by itself, of course. The same could be said of many other recreational activities. The key is to not allow these less enriching activities to overwhelm and push out the deeper, more meaningful opportunities for flow.

Helping your child have flow experiences that are both inherently satisfy- ing and enhancing other aspects of life will depend on identifying his or her 135 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief particular abilities. Practice is a good thing, but practicing hard at a particular activity, such as playing the piano or playing basketball, will be more worthwhile to some kids than others. It takes careful observation to know whether a child really needs to try a little harder or needs to try something different.

Q: How can we give our kids meaningful encouragement in ways that promotes their growth, ident.i.ty, and learning?

"Our obligation is to give meaning to life and in doing so A:.

to overcome the pa.s.sive, indif- Once when I was young and inexperi- ferent life.

enced (that's my excuse), I watched a toddler practice walking. When he had walked some " -Elie Wiesel, -Elie Wiesel, distance without grabbing any furniture, I n.o.bel Peace Laureate clapped and cheered. More walking-more cheering. After a while, he looked back over his shoulder, smiling and waiting for me to cheer . . . and toppled backwards. That incident is a perfect ill.u.s.tration of how not not to encourage your child's learning and growth. to encourage your child's learning and growth.

Kids are born ready to learn. A toddler is driven to learn to walk. No coax-ing or cheering is needed-just some furniture to grab or an adult hand to hang onto. After a fall, a baby may cry or need some comforting-then begin again. The next day, no baby asks, "But what if I fall?" He just keeps practicing until he's learned to walk, then takes on another challenge-maybe stair-climbing.

The learning process sounds much like a recipe for flow in that it takes concentration and stretches one's previous limits. When a learner has chosen her goal, or at least understands its value, learning may indeed lead to flow and be loved for its own sake-as well as helping kids acquire skills they value.

Yet unfortunately, older children often seem less enthusiastic about learning.

Some aspects of that problem are outside our control-but not outside our influence. Some of our children's friends may dampen their enthusiasm for learning. We can try to support friendships with children who share excitement about learning, although sometimes we have to stand back and let kids solve this problem themselves as they mature.

Also, we can help our kids make the best of school and extracurricular ex- periences, which, frankly, are sometimes disappointing. For example, we can explain to kids the value of studying topics whose importance is not obvious to them or help them get along with a perfectionist teacher or coach.

Luckily, the most important thing we can do is is within our control: We can nurture what has come to be known as a "growth mindset." Researchers and within our control: We can nurture what has come to be known as a "growth mindset." Researchers and 136.parenting advisors contrast "growth mindsets" with "fixed mindsets." If you have a fixed mindset, you think of your abilities as unchanging and may be unwilling to try new learning experiences. With a growth mindset, you believe you can increase your abilities with effort and are willing to risk setbacks as part of learning.