Rain: Healing Rain Part 18

Kas closes his eyes, regret pressing heavily against chest.

"You there, Pierce?"

"Yeah, I'm here," he states, barely audible, his eyes shooting to the bathroom door, "I have to go." He drops the phone on the bed, replaying what he saw in his head. He clearly saw Brent grabbing Raina, pulling her to him, but he never saw Raina kiss him back. He drops his head into his hands, self-fury strangling him at what he has done.

Kas hears the water shut off, and he grabs a towel, handing it to her. He rakes his hand through his dark hair as he watches how detached and methodic Raina's movements are. He takes her chin in his hand, and pain stabs his heart at the dark emptiness staring back at him. "I'm so sorry, baby. Michael just called me. I've made a huge mistake, Raina. I thought-I thought you were having an affair with Brent."

Raina freezes, holding the towel against her. "You thought I cheated on you?" she whispers.

Kas pulls her into his arms, "I'm so sorry, it's just-I didn't know what to think when I saw both of you in the archives."

"You saw that?" Pain briefly breaks through her barrier.

"I wish I would've seen the part where you hit him."

Raina pulls away, too many emotions are running through her at once right now. She tells herself that this doesn't change what she needs to do, it doesn't change how she keeps hurting him, how she feels she will only keep hurting him if she stays. She closes her eyes, knowing she has to get Kas out of the room so she can get her things together. "I'm hungry."

The unexpected, unseemly statement gives Kas an uneasy feeling, "Alright, come into the kitchen, and we can talk while you eat."

"I'll be there in a minute. Will you heat the leftovers from last night?"

He hesitates, trying to get some kind of read on her emotions, but she is still completely shut down. The fact that she's at least communicating something provides him some relief, even though her words are monotone, lifeless.

"I'm hungry."

"Yeah...okay," he reluctantly relents, leaving her alone as he goes to the kitchen.

Raina tries to swallow her choking misery from the thought of leaving Kas as she grabs a bag. She forces herself to gather her things, packing only the essentials before slipping out of the bedroom, quietly walking towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" Kas asks, stepping in front of her.

Raina can't bear to look at him. She tries to step around him, but he puts his hand out in front of her.

"Move, Kas, it's better this way."

"For who, Raina?" he asks, panic starting to rapidly rise. "I said I was sorry, I know I was wrong. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left today. Please, don't make the same mistake."

"I have to go."

"Why? Why do you have to leave?" he demands.

She takes another step towards the door, but he steps in front of her.

"Don't go," he whispers, his heart breaking all over again, "I need you."

She closes her eyes, shaking her head. "No. No you don't, I'm...I'm defective," she whispers.

"Is that what you think?" Kas asks incredulously.

Raina finally meets his gaze, her eyes dark with heartbreaking resignation, "That is what I know."

Kas' eyes blaze with fury, hot anger burning through his entire being at what they have done to her. "No, that is what they brainwashed you to believe!" he spits out.

Raina drops her gaze and turns to go out the French doors instead, but Kas takes her arm, turning her back around to face him. "It's not true, Raina, do you hear me? It's not true! I don't want to ever hear you say that about yourself again, do you understand?" he commands, trying very hard not to yell, but needing her to understand just how absurd her words are.

Raina's gaze drops, and fury sweeps through him at such an intensity, he lets her go, afraid his grip might hurt her. He wants to kill her father, rip Chris and Brian in half, and pummel Brent for this whole disastrous misunderstanding. He rakes his hands through his hair, desperately trying to leash his ranting emotions. "This has gotten out of hand, Raina. I know you didn't have an affair, I know you didn't kiss Brent," he begins, desperate to change her mind, "you are not defective, even if you had made a mistake and had kissed him, it wouldn't make your father's words true."

Kas sees no change in Raina's expression, and he is going mad from how empty she looks right now, so despondent. He has never seen her this broken, and searing pain rips through him like a tidal wave. Chase's words come back to haunt him, 'everyone has a breaking point, even Raina'. A cold chill runs through his entire body as he realizes that he is her breaking point. His deserting her caused this.

Raina doesn't look at him, doesn't say anything, just adjusts her bag on her shoulder and heads towards the door again. He steps in front of her, frantic to get her to stay, "I'm begging you, Raina, please don't go!"

Pain tears into him as he stares at his usually headstrong wife, completely shattered in front of him, an empty sh.e.l.l of who she used to be. Her desolation breaks him, making him do what he swore he would never do, realizing it's the only way to keep her there until he can get Chase to help her. Kas hates himself for his next actions, but he can't let her leave, not now, not in her current dangerous emotional state. He jerks the bag away from her, throwing it down onto the floor as he takes her arm firmly in his hand. He pulls her towards the bedroom as she struggles for him to release her. She twists and pulls against him but his grip is unrelenting as he practically drags her. He forcefully sits her down on the bed, his treatment rough, dominate, but careful not to hurt her. "You will not leave this house! You will not leave this room! Do not even think about getting off this bed! Do you hear me?" he yells at her, his voice demanding absolute obedience.

Raina doesn't respond, just sits motionless, staring at the floor.

"Answer me, Raina!" he commands, despising how he is treating her, ordering her around, but at a complete loss of knowing what else to do to keep her there until he can call Chase. Seeing her so broken, lying in the floor in her curled up fetal position scared the h.e.l.l out of him, he can't let her go anywhere alone right now.

Raina doesn't respond, and Kas quickly leaves the room, grabbing his cell, dialing Chase's number on the way back to their bedroom. He stands outside the door, going stark raving mad as he watches his wife sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyes void and her body rigid. Chase answers, and Kas quickly explains everything, asking him to come straight over.

Kas waits impatiently, his sanity slipping with every pa.s.sing minute until Chase finally arrives. Chase is stricken by the panicked expression on his best friend's face when Kas answers the door.

"She's in the bedroom."

Chase goes to Raina, slowly lowering himself on his knees so he is eye level with her. The detachment in her eyes alarms him, "Hey, honey, talk to me, tell me what's going on."

Raina doesn't move.

Chase glances at Kas, witnessing his obvious concern. He stands up, walking to the door, "I need to be alone with her."

Kas hesitates, then nods curtly, walking away as Chase closes the bedroom door.

Chase studies her for a few seconds, replaying in his mind the recording, remembering all of the blistering words her father scourged her with. He is amazed she has managed to make it this far without having a complete mental breakdown from the repeated beatings, days of starvation, rape, and the severe emotional abuse she has suffered. He can tell that she is dangerously fragile at the moment, and he treads carefully. He returns to his position on the floor in front of her, gingerly taking her hand in his, softly rubbing his thumb across her soft skin, studying her for any reaction. "Raina, I'm going to ask you some questions, and I need you to answer them fully and honestly, but first, I need you to look at me."

She still doesn't move.

"Look at me, Raina," Chase encourages calmly.

Slowly, she raises her head, the heartbreaking emptiness ripping into him.

"Why were you leaving?"

She shrugs, the slightest movement of her shoulders as an answer.

"You do know why, now tell me," he keeps his voice firm but calm.

"I taint everything I touch," she whispers the words her father has littered upon her.

"That's not true," Chase maintains his calm tone even though he is anything but calm on the inside.

Raina looks at Chase, her disbelief at his words evident her eyes. "My father, Brian, Chris, they all treated me like I am only property. Kas, he has never treated me that way, he's never hurt me, but I have hurt him, over and over, again." The cold, hard emptiness in her gaze penetrates his soul as she continues, "I don't deserve him. My father is right, I will only ruin him if I stay." Her gaze is hollow, like she's looking right through him.

Chase places himself in front of her gaze firmly, trying to tame the conflicting emotions tearing him apart. "Why do you think you don't deserve him?"

Her eyes return to the floor, and Chase gently squeezes her hand, "Answer me, Rain."

"He deserves someone who doesn't have my history, someone who doesn't drive him crazy by defying everything he says. I don't mean to push him, but I always do anyway. He didn't want me to go undercover, but I went with Michael and Brent, and look what happened. I didn't tell him about the kiss, I knew I should've told him immediately, but I didn't, and he thought that I wanted Brent. He thought we were having an affair, and even with him thinking I was unfaithful to him, he still tried to protect me. He set the alarm when he saw that I hadn't activated it, making sure I am safe."

A tear rolls down her cheek, and she angrily wipes it away, causing a little relief to seep into Chase at seeing some kind of emotion slip through the emptiness. He is beginning to understand her turmoil. She has been severely punished for the simplest of mistakes, for things she didn't even do wrong and has been brainwashed into believing she deserved it. Chase knows that cognitively she realizes she didn't deserve the beatings, but on some recessed level, she still harbors guilt and blame. He takes a deep breath before continuing, "You feel guilty because you feel you have hurt Kas, and you haven't been punished for it."

The shame in her eyes speaks volumes, "When he was leaving, I needed him to stay, I couldn't stand the thought of losing him," she begins, then stops, the shame overtaking her.

"You wanted Kas to punish you instead of leaving," he whispers.

"I almost begged him to so he wouldn't leave." She drops her head in her hands and begins to sob, the shame engulfing her at her admission, knowing she has to be damaged to have thoughts like that.

Chase wraps his arms around her, his heart breaking at her grief. "Raina, do you feel you deserve for Kas to punish you?"

"I don't want him to. I don't want him to hurt me, but I can't stand this guilt."

"That's not what I asked you."

Her body is still shaking from her sobs as she slowly shakes her head, "No, not really."

"Good, Raina, very good. You don't deserve to be hurt. Do not feel guilty for having the thought go through your head, you didn't act on it. Just because you thought it doesn't make you weak, there's nothing wrong with you for thinking that. We all think crazy, destructive things in our most stressed state. What we do with those thoughts is what is important. You felt a huge loss, and it's perfectly natural for us to try to bargain so we don't have to experience that loss. It's so common to want to bargain that it's named as one of the five stages of grief. You stopped yourself, that's very good, very healthy." Chase takes her chin in his hand and looks at her, the sincerity shining in his eyes, "You not going through with asking Kas to stay and punish you instead, shows me just how far you have come. I'm very proud of you."

Raina wipes her eyes, trying to stop the tears.

"I want you to know that Kas wouldn't have punished you anyway, even if you had begged him to. He knows, and I'm pretty sure you know, that if that ever happened, the relationship would never be the same. The whole dynamics would change, and you would have suffered a huge loss anyway. Kas would never hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt. The guilt you feel is largely unwarranted. We all make mistakes, but how we handle those mistakes and how others deal with our mistakes, makes or breaks relationships. I know he wouldn't mind me telling you this, when he showed up at my door he was devastated. The last thing on his mind was causing you any pain. He loves you exactly as you are, including your tenacity. You have done nothing to taint him, you have helped make each other better. I have seen so much positive growth in Kas since you came into his life."

Raina sniffles, her sobs calming.

"I had no idea Brent felt anything for me, I swear."

"I know that, Rain, and more importantly, Kas knows that now. What do you say about joining him in the living room. He's very worried, and I think you should talk with him about this."

Raina hesitates.

"I know that he gets frustrated sometimes, but that's part of a relationship. People have their own minds, their own opinions, and sometimes that causes conflict, but I can a.s.sure you that even in his most frustrated state, he has never regretted being with you. You are the best thing that has happened to him, Raina. He loves you." Chase tilts her chin so she is looking at him, "Just ask him, you will see the truth. You need to talk with him about what you told me."

Raina chews on her bottom lip, contemplating everything Chase has said as he takes her hand and leads her into the living room. Raina sees Kas sitting on one of the kitchen chairs, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. She walks up to him, softly touching his arm, and he raises his head, worry swimming in his dark eyes. He stands up, searching her, relief igniting in him when he sees her conflicting emotions. He will take almost any emotion over her broken despondency. He pulls her into his arms, sliding his hand underneath her auburn hair, wrapping his fingers around the back of her head, as he brings her even closer to him. He presses his head to hers, "I love you so much, baby girl."

Chase can see that they can handle this on their own now, and he wants to give them their privacy to talk and heal from the recent stress. He nods at Kas, and Kas gives him a look full of appreciation, silently thanking him before he walks out the door.

Kas' embrace is warm, comforting, and Raina wants to just get lost in it, but he pulls away, taking her hand in his, holding it behind his back as he leads her to the couch.

"Please, talk to me, Rain."

She tells him what she confessed to Chase, and Kas' heart constricts with guilt that his leaving caused her so much pain and confusion. "I will never hurt you. I will never want to hurt you. I love you, I want to protect you, not punish you because I'm angry, or because you've hurt me. I know that I yell sometimes, but I swear to you, I have never wanted to cause you any harm. The thought of laying a hand on you in any way other than lovingly sickens me. I feel terrible with treating you like I did tonight, I was just terrified of you leaving. I can't take that." His eyes drop to his hands as he whispers, "I'm not strong enough to lose you."

"But, I've put you through so much."

"Raina, you have given me so much. Everything you have done, you have done because you honestly felt it was right, to protect me, or to protect those girls. Yes, I have been furious at you for some of your choices, but I also respect you for those same choices. You can drive me insane with your stubbornness, but your tenacity and your pa.s.sion, I absolutely love that about you. I will be completely honest with you, there are times when I wish you would just obey me, but not because I want to control you. It's my job to protect you, and your actions scare the h.e.l.l out of me sometimes. Don't you ever feel like you don't deserve me, that couldn't be further from the truth. I am blessed to have you in my life, I thank G.o.d for you every day."

Pain and relief flicker across his face. Stress is etched in every line as he looks away before slowly returning his gaze, his dark eyes filled with absolute resolve, "When you walked into my life, I knew at that moment who I am, everything inside of me was no longer mine. One touch from your hand is all it took, from that second on, I knew that I will always belong to you."

A tear slides down her cheek, and Kas wipes it away with his thumb. He pulls her onto his lap, holding her in his arms as she lays her head against his chest, nestled under his chin. She lets his warmth comfort her as she leans into the strength of his embrace for several minutes before she speaks again, "Kas?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"You came back to me before you knew the truth? Why?"

Kas gently pushes her back, the potent truth shining unmistakably in his eyes, "Because, darlin', you are worth fighting for."

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.

The next few weeks have shown Raina's continued progress. The intensity of Kas' relief is palpable at he watches his wife's s.p.u.n.ky spark growing brighter every day. Her tenacity has returned, and he takes every opportunity he has to encourage her strengthening self-confidence. They haven't heard any more from Chris, and Pete has made sure the guards are staying on top of his every move. Both he and Chase have paid careful attention to Raina's behaviors, and Kas keeps reminding himself to bite his tongue when she pushes herself, as long as her choices don't have a negative impact on her well-being.

The summer has been unrelenting with the humid heat and without much needed rain. Kas is sweltering as he walks the streets known for extra-curricular activity when the sun goes down. They have been checking with every known prost.i.tute and dealer, trying to gather more information on the enigmatic Ghost. He meets up with Jake at the end of the beat, "Get anything?"

Jake wipes his brow, adjusting his sungla.s.ses as he shakes his head. "No one is talking."

Kas throws him a bottle of water, "I told you to keep hydrated."

"I've drank two bottles already," he states, draining half of the new bottle in one gulp.

"C'mon, let's head back."

Kas cranks up the air conditioning when they climb into the agency SUV. He checks his messages, hearing that Russo, Austin, and Frank haven't had any luck either. He could tell that some of the girls were holding back, obviously too scared to give any information. He decides he will bring Chase along on the next round. He dials Raina as they get closer to the agency, "Hey, beautiful, want to go to the lake this weekend?"

"You just want to see me half naked."

He laughs, "Well, that's a given, darlin'." He hears her beautiful giggles on the other end, and it soothes his heart. "Jake and I were talking about spending our days off down at the lake. I know the other guys will want to go, and Jake's bringing Maya, so what do you say?"

Raina hesitates, "Sure. I can grab some sun."

"It's too hot for you to be sunbathing. The water will feel much better." He's met by silence, "You there, Rain?"

"Yeah, I'm here," she begins, "but, I don't exactly know how to swim."

A mixture of sadness and excitement stings him, "That's alright, I can teach you. We'll go to the gym tonight."

Jake gives Kas a quizzical look when he hangs up. "She doesn't know how to swim?"