Question Quest Part 27

"I will make the bargain," Jot said firmly.

"The Gorgon can sub for your wife in h.e.l.l," t.i.ttle added, nailing it down.

"Then I am constrained to agree," Humfrey said, spreading his hands as if outflanked.

Lacuna saw that Humfrey's plan had worked. He had avoided the rigged contest and obtained the release of Rose half time, without running afoul of the problem of having two live wives in Xanth at the same time. He had outsmarted the all-powerful Demon.

Jot turned toward her. "I wouldn't say that," he said.

t.i.ttle also turned toward her. "I would say he just makes sense," she said.

Lacuna was aghast. The Demon knew what was in their minds! So Humfrey had not prevailed by trickery but by offering the Demon a good compromise.

Jot extended his hand, and a rolled scroll appeared in it. "Here is the Agreement," he said.

t.i.ttle extended her hand, and a huge feathered quill appeared in it. "Sign it," she said.

Jot unrolled the scroll and held it against the wall, covering part of Lacuna's ongoing printed narrative. t.i.ttle gave Humfrey the feather.

Lacuna peered over Humfrey's shoulder to read the scroll. It said, in script more elaborate than she could render: It is hereby Agreed that Good Magician Humfrey shall be allowed to exchange one wife for another in h.e.l.l, et cetera and so forth, There was a decorative line below, separating the text from the s.p.a.ce for signature. Humfrey squinted at it through his spectacles, then shrugged and signed.

Then Jot took the quill and signed: Demon.

t.i.ttle took it and signed X(A/N)th. Then she handed the quill to Lacuna.

"But I'm not part of this!" Lacuna protested.

"You have to witness it," the Gorgon explained. "I can't; I'm a relative."

Oh. Lacuna brought the quill to the paper. But something nagged her. "I'm not sure that-"

"Sign it," Humfrey said shortly.

So, doubtfully, Lacuna signed it too.

"Well, that's that," Jot said.

"Yes, that's that," t.i.ttle agreed.

"So let's get on with the exchange," Humfrey said.

"What exchange?" Jot asked.

"Yes, what?" t.i.ttle added.

"The exchange of wives," Humfrey said. "As agreed."

Jot and t.i.ttle exchanged one glance. "I think he didn't read the small print," Jot said.

"Yes, I think he didn't," t.i.ttle agreed.

"Small print?" the Gorgon asked, her veil twisting in perplexity.

Jot extended his hand, and a big magnifying gla.s.s appeared in it. "Use this," he said.

"Yes, read the small print," t.i.ttle said.

Humfrey took the gla.s.s and held it over the decorative line. The line expanded, and turned out to be two lines of very small print, now legible: But only in the Changes of Moon On days beginning with Letter N " 'But only in the Changes of Moon, on days beginning with Letter N,' " Lacuna read aloud, getting it right for her own text. "But when does the moon change?"

"And what day of the week begins with the letter N?" the Gorgon asked. She looked at Humfrey. "Dear, this is nonsense."

"Tough udder," Jot said smugly.

"You signed," t.i.ttle said smugly.

Humfrey shrugged. "Did you suppose I got to be the Magician of Information without understanding the concept of small print?" he asked. "It can merely modify, not reverse the contract; that's according to the rules demons follow. We have only to interpret it."

"Well, go home and interpret it," Jot said.

"Yes, and stop bothering me," t.i.ttle added.

Humfrey waggled a finger at them. "Not until I have completed my mission. If I leave beforehand, I will default." He turned to the Gorgon. "You interpret the Changes of Moon." Then he turned to Lacuna. "You find the days beginning with N. "

Lacuna exchanged two glances with the Gorgon. Then both fell to concentrating. Lacuna thought about the days of the week, and found none that began with N. There were two beginning with S, two with T, and one each with F, M and W. There was a month beginning with N, NoRemember, but no day. Yet it seemed that there had to be a day. What could it be?

Then she suffered a blinding inspiration. There were" N days-if the days of the month were numbered alphabetically! The ninth and the nineteenth.

"Lacuna has gotten her notion," Humfrey remarked, blinking as the flash of light faded.

Then a flashbulb went off just above the Gorgon's head, making Lacuna blink. The other part of it had been solved.

"The moon changes every month, just like a woman," the Gorgon said. "So it's every month."

"On the ninth or nineteenth," Lacuna added.

"And what is today?" Humfrey inquired as if bored.

"The ninth of OctOgre," Lacuna said.

"Then what in h.e.l.l's annex are we waiting for?" Humfrey demanded irritably.

Jot and t.i.ttle exchanged half a glance and half a shrug. It was evident that the Demon's little trick had been found out. He had tried to out wait Humfrey and not succeeded; so he had tried to fool him with the appearance of the little twins, and not succeeded; so he had tried to pose an unanswerable question and not succeeded. This contract was the fourth trick which had failed, thanks to Humfrey's determination and insight. Would there be another trick? If so, what would it be?

Lacuna looked up. The others were looking at her. Oh, no-she had been automatically transcribing her thoughts, and they were-now being printed on the wall. There were no secrets here!

"There will be one more trick," Humfrey said. "But it will be possible to navigate it, if we are sensible. The Demon can not actually cheat. There must always be a way through, however devious, or he defaults."

Only one more trick. That was a relief! Lacuna turned away from the wall, preferring not to see her thoughts displayed. Fortunately she was such a dull person that no one else was really interested in her thoughts anyway.

"Right you are," Humfrey agreed absently.

"Don't mind him, dear," the Gorgon murmured.

"He only speaks when he's interested, even if only to grump."

That made Lacuna feel better. But she tried to cut off her thoughts, without much success.

"Well, let's go," Jot said, walking toward h.e.l.l's door.

"Yes, let's make the exchange," t.i.ttle agreed, pacing him.

And the Demon, she realized: he must have wanted this also. Perhaps because the Gorgon was in her way as great a prize as Rose in her way. Rose could grow flowers in h.e.l.l; the Gorgon was now a successful actress. The Demon must want to keep her, but could not unless he made the deal. What a cynical bargain!

The two children paused at the door. As one, they glanced back at Lacuna, knowing her thoughts. So did Humfrey. She felt a chill, not of danger but of understanding. These folk were frighteningly intelligent and cynical. How could any ordinary person compete?

"We don't try, dear," the Gorgon murmured, walking beside her. Then Lacuna realized that the Gorgon, too, was getting something she wanted: instead of waking and returning to her life as a housewife, she would get to continue her dream career, at least half the time. h.e.l.l, it seemed, was not much of a specter to one who was making a career in bad dreams.

The twins pushed open the door. "Come on," Jot said.

"All of you," t.i.ttle said.

They walked through the door: the twins, Humfrey, and the Gorgon and Lacuna. The print followed along on the wall and when necessary the floor, recording the scene.

h.e.l.l turned out to be a barren, smoky, windy place. Everything was soiled gray: the ground, the walls, the sky. Lacuna coughed as she breathed the bad air, but the Gorgon's thick veil seemed to protect her.

The path led upward. Then abruptly it was too hot and dry, with a blazing sun and withered trees.

They followed the path on around and down into a gulch-and here it was clammy wet, with greasy dirty water forming on the skin.

Farther along, it was cold, with grimy snow on the ground and a storm approaching. But when the storm arrived it was mostly just violence, threatening to blow them off the path.

Lacuna was beginning to understand the nature of h.e.l.l: the weather was always wrong.

Then they came to a garden, and there were roses. The air became sweet with their fragrance, and the climate was almost nice. Red, yellow, and blue: the rarest roses known. This had to be the magic of Princess Rose, making even h.e.l.l become pleasant in this one limited region.

An there she was, a woman of middle years, kept at the age she had been when brought here in the hand-basket: Rose. Now she was somewhat plump, her hair becoming ash gray, but even so, more attractive than Lacuna herself, because she was interesting rather than dull. She was in work clothes, but these were well tailored and well cared for. She did not see the approaching party, being intent on her work.

"Hey, Rose-hips!" Jot called.

"Someone to see you, petal-ears," t.i.ttle added.

Rose looked up from the orange-striped rose bush she was tending. Her mouth curved into a rose-petal bow of surprise as she peered past the twins to fix on Humfrey. "My husband! You have come at last!" Then she saddened. "Or did you die?"

"I did not die," he said, walking up to her. "But I had to compromise. I can free you only part time."

She brushed herself off and embraced him. "Part time is better than no time. But how is it that you have come now, after ninety years? You don't look ninety years older."

"I've been using youth elixir. I could not rescue you before, so I took Lethe elixir. When it wore off, I came here. However, there is a complication."

"There always is," Rose said wisely.

"I remarried."

"I know. Sofia is here too."

"But she was Mundane!"

"Yes, she was surprised to find herself here when she died, but not unduly dismayed. She said it wasn't much worse than Mundania in bad weather. Taiwan is here too, and even MareAnn."

"MareAnn!" Humfrey echoed.

"Sofia is your wife too," Jot said.

"And the Maiden Taiwan," t.i.ttle added.

Lacuna began to see the trap being sprung on Humfrey. He had made a deal to get his wife out for a limited time-but there were three wives here. How could he rescue one and not the others?

"And who are your friends?" Rose inquired, becoming aware of the remaining two women.

"This is Lacuna, who is recording my history," Humfrey said. "And this is the Gorgon, my fifth wife."

Rose frowned. It was almost as if she were becoming aware of a problem. But she kept it to herself. "So nice to meet you, Gorgon. Are you alive or dead?"

"I am alive," the Gorgon said. "I have agreed to take the place of a wife here, so that that wife can return to life for a time."

Rose smiled, and it was like the blossoming of a new rose. "Then you are generous! I knew my husband would marry only a good woman."

Surprised, the Gorgon smiled too, under her veil. "Yes, that is true." Lacuna knew they were complimenting each other, not themselves.

Just then another figure approached. It was a much younger woman, quite shapely in her revealing dress. "Are you collecting wives, Humfrey?" she inquired.

Humfrey looked at her, and was chagrined. "Oh, no!" he muttered.

"And who is this?" the Gorgon asked.

"The Demoness Dana-my first wife," Humfrey said.

"If you are now dating your wives, I qualify," Dana said.

"But you left me when you lost your soul!"

"True. But on reflection, I realized that I was happier when I was with you. You must admit that I was a good wife, while it lasted. I can be so again."

Meanwhile three more women were approaching. "Ah, here are MareAnn, Maiden Taiwan, and Sofia," Rose said, spying them. "We have all become great friends, having one interest in common."

Humfrey looked somewhat befuddled. Perhaps he had reason.

All the women were beyond youth, but none was unattractive. There was a circle of greetings. Then the Gorgon asked the obvious question: "How is it that you are here with the wives, MareAnn?"