Puppets at Large Part 1

Puppets at Large.

by F. Anstey.

DOING A CATHEDRAL.

(A SKETCH FROM THE PROVINCES.)

_The interior of Dulchester Cathedral._ TIME--_About 12.30. The March sunshine slants in pale shafts through the clerestory windows, leaving the aisles in shadow. From without, the cawing of rooks and shouts of children at play are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party of Intending Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feeling that it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the building until officially instructed to do so, are engaged in eyeing one another with all the genial antipathy and suspicion of true-born Britons._

A Stodgy Sightseer (_to his friend_). Disgraceful, keeping us standing about like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the head-waiter at the "Mitre" to keep back those chops till----

[_He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are reverberating from column to column with disproportionate solemnity; a white-haired and apple-faced verger rustles down from the choir and beckons the party forward benignantly, whereupon they advance with a secret satisfaction at the prospect of "getting the cathedral 'done' and having the rest of the day to themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and requested, as a preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the Restoration Fund box and inscribe their names in a book._

_Confused Murmurs._ Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or only London?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They _might_ provide a better pen--in a _cathedral_, I _do_ think!... He might have given all our names in full instead of just "And party!"...

Oh, I've been and made a blot--will it _matter_, should you think?... I never _can_ write my name with people looking on, can _you_?... I'm sure you've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while I take off my glove, Maria.... Oh, why _don't_ they make haste? &c., &c.

[_The_ STODGY SIGHTSEER _fumes, feeling that, while they are fiddling, his chops are burning._

The VERGER. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow me, the portion of the building where we now are is part of the original hedifice founded by Ealfrytha, wife of Earl Baldric, in the year height 'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe that an even hearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the Roman occupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recently discovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.

A SPECTACLED S. (_who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent question at intervals._) What _was_ the method of baptism among the Early Christians?

The VERGER. We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am.

The SPECT. S. Oh? _Baptists!_

[_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes no further interest in them._

The VERGER. At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of you, is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble, with relics of St. Alb. (_An_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _snorts in disapproval._) The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the shrine, which are still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the pilgrims ascending on their knees. (_The party verify the depressions conscientiously, and click their tongues to express indulgent contempt._) The s.p.a.ces between the harches of the shrine were originally enriched by valuable gems and mosaics, all of which 'ave now long since disappeared, 'aving been removed by the more devout parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the chapel to your left a monument with rec.u.mbent heffigies of Bishop b.u.t.tress and Dean Gurgoyle, represented laying side by side with clasped 'ands, in token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop used to make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the 'abit of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of a Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to find that it has produced a general gloom; the_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER, _indeed, conveys by another and a louder snort, his sense that a Bishop ought to set a better example._) In the harched recess to your right, a monument in painted halibarster to Sir Ralph Ringdove and his lady, erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate widower, with a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their ashes would shortly be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow the ladies of the party to express a becoming sympathy--which they do, by clicks._) Sir Ralph himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury Parish Church, forty mile from this spot, along with his third wife, who survived him.

[_The ladies regard the image of Sir Ralph with indignation, and pa.s.s on; the_ VERGER _chuckles faintly at having produced his effect._

The EVANGELICAL S. (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here!

[_He looks sternly at the_ VERGER, _as though to imply that it is useless to impose upon him._

The VERGER. No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults after the damp weather we've bin 'aving.

[_The_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _drops behind, divided between relief and disappointment._

A PLASTIC S. (_to the_ VERGER). What a perfectly _exquisite_ rose-window that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose it dates from the Norman period, at _least_?

The VERGER (_coldly_). No, Ma'am, it was only put up about thirty year ago. _We_ consider it the poorest gla.s.s we 'ave.

The PLAST. S. Oh, the gla.s.s, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I meant the--the other part.

The VERGER. The tracery, Ma'am? That was restored at the same time by a local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too!

The PLAST. S. Yes, it _quite_ spoils the Cathedral, _doesn't_ it?

Couldn't it be taken down?

The VERGER (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave a look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to find 'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be 'igher as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in existence.

A TRAVELLED S. Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why, _our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of them!

The VERGER (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign cathedrals, Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I can say is, I'm sorry _for_ them.

A LADY (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture" and an unsympathetic_ COMPANION). _Do_ notice the excessive use of the ball-flower as a decoration, dear. Parker says it is especially characteristic of this cathedral.

UNSYMPATHETIC COMPANION. I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if they like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?

[_The_ LADY WITH THE MANUAL _perceives that it is hopeless to explain_.

The VERGER. The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is considered to belong to the best period of Norman work----

The LADY WITH THE MANUAL. Surely not _Norman_? Dog-tooth is Saxon, _I_ always understood.

The VERGER (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy it's 'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed.

The LADY WITH THE M. (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration, in vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway. (_To her_ COMPANION.) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round arches that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?

Her COMP. No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in the _idea_.

The LADY WITH THE M. I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear. Look at those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_ as if they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of the Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see!

The VERGER. That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You can go out by the South Transept door, and that'll take you through the Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two_ 'ARRIES, _who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarra.s.sment._) Was there anything you wished to know?

FIRST 'ARRY. Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing you on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean?

The VERGER (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.

[_He turns on his heel._

FIRST 'ARRY (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I? What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?

SECOND 'ARRY. Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to no more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's all.

[_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been imposed upon._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration]