Public Secrets Part 286

"Do I?" Emma paused and gave Katherine one of her rare smiles. A memory

drifted back-Johnno sitting on her bed in her room in Martinique. When

it's with someone you care about, it's almost holy. "I don't suppose a

degree is required to puzzle that out."

"No." Pleased, Katherine leaned back against the cushions. "Are you

comfortable, physically, with Michael?"

"No. But it's a wonderful kind of discomfort."

"Exciting?"

"Yes. But I haven't been able to ... initiate."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know. I think-I'd like to show him. I suppose I'm afraid of

doing something wrong."

"In what way?"

Baffled, Emma lifted her hands and let them fall. "I'm not sure, just

that I might do something to annoy him, or ..." Impatient with

herself, she turned back to the window. "I can't shake Drew, and the

things he said to me about how stupid, how useless I was in bed." She

hated that, knowing she was still allowing him to control some part of

her life.

"Have you considered that if you were inadequate in bed, it was due to

your partner and the circ.u.mstances?"

"Yes. Up here." Emma touched a finger to her temple. "I know I'm not

cold and unresponsive. I can feel pa.s.sion, desire. But I'm afraid to

move toward Michael, afraid I might spoil something." Pausing, she

picked up a crystal pyramid and watched the colors run through it. "And

it's the nightmares. I'm almost as afraid of him now as I was when he

was alive. Somehow I think if I could pull him out of my dreams, erase

his face and his voice from my subconscious, I'd be able to take that

next step with Michael."

"Is that what you want?"

"Of course that's what I want. Do you think I want to go on being

punished?"

"For what?"

"For not doing what he wanted quickly enough, or in the wrong way."

Agitated, she set the crystal down to wrap her arms around her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"For not wearing the right dress. For being in love with Michael. He

knew, he knew I felt something for Michael." She began to pace again,

twisting her fingers together. "When he saw us together at the showing,

he knew it. So he beat me. He made me promise I'd never see Michael

again, and he still beat me. He knew I wouldn't keep the promise."

"A promise made under duress isn't a promise at all."

Dismissing logic, Emma shook her head. "The point is, I tried to keep

it, but I didn't. I couldn't. So he punished me."

She dropped into a chair. "I lied," she continued, half to herself "I

lied to Drew, and to myself"

Katherine leaned forward, but she kept her voice very low and mild. "Why

do you suppose Drew is there in your dream, your dream of the night

Darren died?"

"I lied then, too," Emma murmured. "I didn't keep my promise. I didn't

take care of Darren. We lost him. Dad and Bev lost each other. I'd