Public Secrets Part 150

sure.

"You're nothing like her. Nothing. You were nothing like her when you

came to us, nothing like her now."

"She sold me to Dad."

"Oh G.o.d." Bev pressed both hands to her face, then let them drop. "It

wasn't like that, Emma."

"He gave her money. She took it. I was like some piece of merchandise

they pa.s.sed between them, and foisted off on you."

"No!" She sprang up, clattering china. "That's a cruel thing to say,

and a stupid one. Yes, he paid her. He'd have paid her whatever it

took to keep you safe."

"She said he did it to preserve his image."

"She's a liar." She walked over, took both of Emma's hands. "You listen

to me. I remember the day he brought you home, the way you looked. The

way he looked. He was nervous, maybe even frightened, but he was

determined to do what was right for you. Not because of some b.l.o.o.d.y

public image, but because you were his."

"And every time he looked at me, every time you looked, you must have

seen her."

"Not Btian. Never Brian." She sighed, and putting an arm around Emma's

shoulders, lowered to the sofa. "Maybe I did at first. I was young.

Christ, the same age you are now. We were wildly in love, planning to

be married. I was pregnant with Darren. And then suddenly there you

were-a part of Brian I'd had nothing to do with. I was terrified of

you. Maybe I even resented you. The truth was, I didn't want to feel

anything for you. Oh maybe a little pity." When Emma pulled away, Bev

took her by the shoulders. "I didn't want to love you, Emma. Then

suddenly, I just did. I didn't plan it, I didn't stop one day and tell

myself that you deserved a chance. I just fell in love with you."

Emma broke down then, dropping her head onto Bev's shoulder and weeping,

weeping brokenly, shamelessly, as the fire crackled and Bev stroked her

hair.

"I'm so sorry, luy. So sorry I haven't been there for you. Now you've

grown up, and I've missed my chance."

"I thought you hated me-because of Darren."

"No, oh no."

"You blamed me-"

"No." Bev drew back, stunned. "Good G.o.d, Emma. You were a child. I

blamed her, and I was wrong. I blamed myself, and I pray I was wrong.

But, ihatever unforgivable things I did, or thought, I never blamed

you."

"I heard 'm crying-"

"Ssh." She gripped Emma's hands, bringing them up to her cheek. She'd

had no idea Emma had suffered this way. If she had ... Bev closed

her eyes for a moment. If she had, she hoped she would have been strong

enough to have put her own pain aside for the child's sake. "Listen to

me. It was the most horrible thing that's ever happened in my life, the

most destructive, the most painful. I lashed out

at the people I should have been holding close. The first few years

after Darren's death, I was ... I hardly knew what or where I was.