Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman Part 3

And your boss will give him the a.s.signment.

When you protest, the boss can honestly answer, "I didn't know you wanted it."

"Didn't you get my hints?" is a poor response.

Games teach guys to go after what they want. No matter what they're playing, they learn that you don't win if you don't ident.i.ty your goal and strive to achieve it.

So what should you do to get the Paris job?

You don't have to do it a man's way. But you do have to: 1-Understand the difference between how he plays the game and how you play it.

2-Recognize that for the time being, his way of playing is the accepted way.

3-Decide if you want to change the way you play.

Following are 14 rules that will instruct you to play the game a man's way-and win. Each direction includes a scenario, the typical moves men and women make in it, and some thoughts to consider.

1 Make a Request.

SITUATION: The Paris post is available (see above).

HIS MOVE: He asks.

HER MOVE: She hints.

To put it bluntly, asking is the only way to get what you want.

Obvious? Yet I can't tell you how often I've heard stories of women who have entered contract negotiations hoping for a large raise and were offered a small one. They felt disappointed, they felt cheated, they wondered if they had done something wrong. But did they object? They did not. Instead, they told the boss, "Thank you." But they certainly complained in private.

It's not an accident that the infamous line from the movie Jerry Maguire, "Show me the money," was spoken by a man.

Afterwards, the boss may appreciate how courteous the woman was, how easy it was to do business with her, what a pleasant time they both had. But the boss gave the big raise to the guy who came in and demanded it.

Over the years I have seen many women succeed and many women fail. The reasons they succeed are numerous, but the reasons they fail fall into a few identifiable categories, and near the top of that list is the inability to understand the meaning of the word no.

Women have been acculturated to believe that no means NO!, and so we often won't make a request if we think we're going to get a negative answer. To a man, however, no suggests a range of possibilities: No, maybe, or later.

Men learn at a young age that no is a relative rather than an absolute term-a temporary rebuff rather than an outright rejection. The boy knows the original no wasn't necessarily an outright rejection. It doesn't mean you can't go out and play some other time. It just means that right now, at this moment, you can't play.

Likewise, if he's made the team, but the coach won't let him in the game, he'll approach him again later, when someone gets injured or fouls up. "Hey coach," he says, over and over. "I can do it! Give me a chance!"

Even when men suspect that they're going to get an unfavorable answer, they still charge ahead and ask the question. So they get a no. They shrug it off, take it back to their office, struggle with it, then they come up with a plan to change the negative into a positive. They think, "It wasn't the right moment to ask, I didn't ask the right way, or use the right words."

A person's reaction to the word stems from the power of the word itself. Do you take no as a personal rejection, or do you take it as a piece of new information that you must work with?

Because we personalize situations, we hear no as a comment on our abilities, a sign the relationship between us and our superiors has failed. The result? We stop trying. The female definition of the word no: Absolutely not, how could you even ask?

THE PROBLEM: Because you're afraid of being rejected, you never ask for what you want.

WHAT TO DO: Imagine the worst that can happen if someone tells you, "No." It's not a tragedy. It's not a fatal injury, only a setback.

So I say, speak. Say it aloud in your office. Nothing becomes real until you say it aloud. Women lean toward internalizing and anguishing. Yes, if you don't ask for what you want, you won't end up being embarra.s.sed. Yes, if you keep your desires hidden, you'll feel safe. Yes, you can't fail if you never tell anyone what you want. But at the same time, you can't succeed.

So look at the wall and announce, "I want to be vice president for strategic marketing." Say it to the window, the ceiling, the desk.

Now sit back and decide whether this is really what you want. Either you'll think, "Yes, I'll make a great vice president." Or, "No way. That's a job I would hate."

I firmly believe that we live into who we say we are. The first step to becoming a general manager is to begin thinking of yourself as a general manager, and to begin saying it aloud, over and over. Keep repeating it until you're so comfortable with the idea that eventually, it becomes who you are.

2 Speak Out.

SITUATION: A meeting with the boss and a dozen staff members.

HIS MOVE: He's not completely up to date on all the information, but he talks knowledgeably at the table whenever he has a point.

HER MOVE: Only 95 percent confident of her stuff, but better prepared than anyone else in the room, she has a nagging doubt that keeps her from speaking up.

As I said earlier, men are comfortable holding forth. From the time they are young their opinions are solicited, they're pressed to speak up. They are rewarded for the right answer, and a wrong answer bags them a hearty congratulations for trying.

Take this model to the office: We've all noticed that men can feel confident expressing some of the most ridiculous ideas imaginable, spouting notions and hatching plans that make us cringe. They know that the only ideas they'll be remembered for are the good ones. The other 95 percent may amount to a hill of beans, but those few good ones make them king of the hill.

Men talk a lot. Women don't talk enough-even seasoned executives. Consider this: Because I run the CNN editorial board meetings, I determine which two dozen of my a.s.sociates to invite to the informal lunch with our guest speakers, who range from world figures such as Mikhail Gorbachev to writers like Maya Angelou. Over the years, the women seldom spoke up in the question-and-answer sessions. And if one did, and a man started talking at the same time, she would instantaneously shut down. Eventually I established private ground rules for the women: If you don't ask a question, you don't get invited back to the next meeting.

Now they talk, because they have to. And they ask superb questions.

Related to the issue: Boys grow up playing so many games and sports that they learn how to lose. They grasp that setbacks are temporary, that anyone can make a comeback, that saying the wrong thing in a meeting is not the end of the world.

Women feel like failures when we make a mistake or lose face. Because achievement is our trump card, we think we shouldn't say a word unless we're 100 percent certain of what we're talking about.

THE PROBLEM: If you don't talk, no one will know you're there.

WHAT TO DO: Study your surroundings and act accordingly. For example, if you're in a meeting, observe how the others act and interact. Do they laugh, tell jokes, and eat? Are they serious or relaxed? Do others defer to the big cheese, or does each of them act like big cheeses? Do they speak up, or does the boss do all the talking? Every meeting has a different culture. It's your responsibility to figure it out.

3 Speak Up.

SITUATION: The boss has ten minutes in which to hear two short presentations.

HIS MOVE: He gives his report loudly and clearly in less than five minutes.

HER MOVE: In a barely audible voice, she talks for almost a quarter of an hour.

When a guy is playing a compet.i.tive game, there's little time for chatter. Say he's on the basketball court with five seconds left to play and his team, behind by one point, has the ball. When the coach calls him over, he doesn't ask questions about the history of the game or his feelings about last year's coach. He says what he must as forcefully as the situation warrants, and only that.

Men will tell you that women are too timid when they talk at the office, or too evasive, or too circuitous, or too unsure of themselves.

There's a female executive at a Fortune 500 company whose male peers have nicknamed the Let-Me-Ask-You-a-Question Lady. She has plenty of smart questions to ask, but she doesn't seem able to get them out without first asking, "Let me ask you a question ..."

It's the worst strategy in the playbook. You never ask if you can ask. You just ask.

Because we were taught to speak our mind only reluctantly, our vocabularies are saturated with such phrases as "I don't mean to interrupt you, but ..." Or "I know that you're very busy, but ..." Or "Everyone may have thought of this idea before, but ..." Or all those other phrases that end with a but. Why do we need to apologize for what we're about to say? Why can't we just say what we need to say, and say it quickly? When you ask for permission to speak, you're putting conditionality instead of strength around a statement. Conditional talk doesn't have much power.

Even if you can get past the apologies and the circ.u.mlocutions, there's still the issue of volume. Women often talk so softly in business meetings that few people in the room can hear us well.

To some degree this can be seen as another form of learned behavior-a result of not having been encouraged to speak as forcefully as men. When we have to quiet down our kids, however, we never seem to lack the ability to turn up the volume.

But speaking forcefully isn't really about speaking loudly or softly. It's about learning how to use your voice effectively. Even if you have a small voice you can sound powerful-as long as you believe you have a right to speak.

Careers don't progress if no one can hear the point you are making, or if half an hour after you whisper your brilliant idea, someone else restates it more powerfully and gets the credit. It's not really your idea unless you're willing to stand up for it and give it power. You don't score a goal if n.o.body knows you did.

THE PROBLEM: Your speaking manner is weak.

WHAT TO DO: You must speak in a convincing and unconditional manner. That doesn't mean you have to talk like a man. It doesn't have to be, "I'm going to kick your b.u.t.t if you don't do what I ask." But you need to practice how to talk in a way that gives you power.

If you have to, go home and talk to a blank wall. Say, "I've had enough." "I don't want to do this today." "I won't be cut off in the meetings anymore." Speak loudly enough so that if there were someone in the room, no matter where he or she was, you could be heard.

Throughout corporate America, women speak from the place called no-permission. We speak softly, we speak timidly, without authority or power. Not long ago I was on a panel with two knowledgeable women who lost their chances to shine because their voices were too tentative. Everyone else in the room stopped listening to them, while the one man who talked gave a forceful presentation. And in the end, he was the person who was asked all the follow-up questions, even though the women were really the experts. Later the women complained to me that it was just another meeting dominated by men. But I told them they were as much to blame.

All women should take at least one course in presentation skills. We have no hesitation about signing up for a tennis lesson to learn how to perfect our backhand, yet we seem unwilling to do the work to speak authoritatively. Learn to project your voice. Do you honestly think that Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw were born speaking like anchormen?

Have someone videotape you as you speak, and then watch the replay. This is tough, I know. There's a reason I stay on this side of the camera. But I have forced myself to do this dozens of times because I always learn something.

Obviously, you can't change your voice completely, but with training, most voices can become more powerful, more effective in business situations. Your voice is an instrument, like a piano or a violin. To succeed, you must play it like a master.

4 Toot Your Own Horn.

SITUATION: The big boss is making his monthly tour through the corridors.

HIS MOVE: He walks out of his office, introduces himself, and mentions his newest project.

HER MOVE: Confident that the boss knows who she is because her work has been excellent, she stays inside her office, a.s.suming that performance is all that matters.

When I was growing up, most of my friends lived in nice houses and had affluent parents with nice cars. We knew few people outside our close circle, but every now and then we'd play with another girl who lived in the next town over. She seemed just like us, but one day, when we finally visited her, we discovered that her house was bigger than all of ours, her yard was twice as large, her parents had three cars. Slowly it dawned on us that her family was very, very rich.

She clearly had taken pains to hide it, because she didn't want to show off. After all, we were being raised to believe in equality, and that meant that we didn't bring attention to ourselves. If one of us distinguished herself in some way-if we won a prize at school or got a new dress-our friends were supposed to say how wonderful we were, how pretty we looked. We were allowed to fish for these compliments, but we couldn't solicit them directly.

Boys' games teach them to stand out any way they can, to step boldly out of the box. How else will the coach notice them? You don't get into the game by mumbling to the coach that the guys already on the field are a lot more capable than you are. Boys exaggerate, they boast, they brag.

It's the same with business. Part of getting ahead is getting noticed. And the woman who gets noticed is the one who makes sure that her bosses know how good her work is.

Taking credit for your accomplishments is part and parcel of your job performance. Yes, the company hired you to keep the accounts in order. But they also hired you to join the ongoing conversation, which means that whenever they discuss new projects or look for solutions to old problems, they want your input. And how will your bosses know you have good ideas if no one has told them how talented you are?

THE PROBLEM: You're uncomfortable in the spotlight. You feel your work should stand for itself.

WHAT TO DO: Make sure everyone notices what you do. Stick out your hand and introduce yourself. Let people know that you're smart, that you've met your numbers, that you're on top of your operations.

But you can't do this the way a man does. He can get away with boasting. You can't. When guys brag, it reminds them of being on a team. When women brag, men and women hear rudeness and pushiness.

You must learn to be your own public relations person in a way that's comfortable for you and works within the culture of your office. So we have to find ways to toot our own horns without making ourselves or our a.s.sociates uncomfortable. For most of us, the best personal public relations is accomplished in a relationship context. Rather than stand up at a meeting and talk about yourself, find a more personal way to get the word out.

TIP 1: Update your boss on your progress; write him a memo every couple of weeks to remind him subtly that you're an important member of the project. Don't be grandiose. Be clever-hide your self-promotion in your description of what your team is doing. Let everyone's good work reflect on you. And when there's a victory to report, make sure you're the first one to announce the good news. If he's astute, he'll realize that you were a key player but he'll appreciate your team move.

TIP 2: When a new boss walks the corridor, introduce yourself. But don't stop there. Introduce yourself to everyone: people in the elevator, people walking down the hall, people in the parking lot. And don't worry if that stranger turns out to be a junior employee, because you never can tell whom she knows, or who she will be in the future, or when she might give you that little leg up.

TIP 3: When you attend an office party, don't socialize only with your friends. A casual introduction can lead to something big. Say a manager has been a.s.signed to a new project and has been told to hire one of three people. He doesn't know any of you, but his a.s.sistant says, "I met Jackie at the Christmas party, she's really smart." Or he thinks to himself, "Didn't I talk to a Jackie at the company picnic? She sounded very capable."

Women are champions of small talk. So talk small. When you meet someone at the company picnic, if you don't know the right opening line, tell him his daughter ran a great race, or that his son plays baseball like a pro. If you're thinking, "That's not how I want to be known," I say, "Why not be known that way-at first?" Men love to hear nice things about their families. You're not lying. You're starting a relationship.

Use your intuition. Size up what works with the person you are talking to. If you don't think he wants to talk about his kids, try something else: his summer vacation plans, his professional training, or his new car.

TIP 4: Most large companies have newsletters. If yours does, volunteer to write for it. And don't be coy if someone wants to cover your department. Give the reporter leads. Introduce her to your staff. Everyone in the company reads the newsletter, and everyone will learn more about what you do.

GAME HINT: Closely related to boasting is bluffing, a concept that has loaded connotations for women. Aren't we raised to be virtuous, truthful, full of integrity? I can barely think of any woman who pretends to know more than she does. If anything, we veer in the other direction. Because we want to be absolutely sure we know what we're doing, we prefer overpreparation to bluff.

Males learn to bluff in every childhood game they play. But there is no bluffing in dolls or playing house, because these games aren't about winning and losing. You only need to bluff when you want to win.

Like it or not, part of being good at a job is making it up as you go along. There will always be times when you won't know it all. And you're not going to convince anyone that you're confident if you look terrified-which is why a poker face is one of an executive's best friends.

5 Don't Expect to Make Friends.

SITUATION: A new colleague moves into the next office. Although pleasant and cooperative, she makes it clear she's not interested in making friends.