Pinheads And Patriots: Where You Stand In The Age Of Obama Part 8

CHAPTER 9

All-Time Favorite P&Ps

THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHAPTER in this book. I will be completely irresponsible in the upcoming pages, and by the way, there is no pattern to what's contained in them. It's stream of consciousness time. I will discuss dozens of famous and semi-famous people, a.s.signing them Pinhead or Patriot status. Defying the ancient TV program in this book. I will be completely irresponsible in the upcoming pages, and by the way, there is no pattern to what's contained in them. It's stream of consciousness time. I will discuss dozens of famous and semi-famous people, a.s.signing them Pinhead or Patriot status. Defying the ancient TV program Dragnet Dragnet, no names will be changed to protect the innocent or guilty, as the case may be.

Of course, this entire chapter is grossly unfair. My evaluations are completely subjective. Yes, I will use facts to back up my a.s.sertions, as I always do. But these facts have been selected to bolster my ultimate judgment on the individuals in question. I mean, I could have picked anyone anyone for this chapter, but these names for this chapter, but these names just came to me just came to me. In other words, I am not playing devil's advocate here. I am designating blame and praise based upon my personal whim. I did not poll these people, or ask the opinions of others. Blame me for this entire fiasco.

Let's begin with a few Presidents. As you may have heard, I own an extensive research trove of primary source material concerning the nation's chief executives. That means I possess some of their letters, ma.n.u.scripts, and other personal items. It's a fabulous hobby, and I have learned a tremendous amount by reading the personal thoughts and correspondence of these men, most of whom, but not all, were Patriots.

Recently, Siena College, located in upstate New York, polled a group of historians about the best and worst Presidents. Franklin D. Roosevelt came out on top; Teddy Roosevelt was ranked second, followed by Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson. Andrew Johnson, the only President impeached aside from Bill Clinton, came in dead last. George W. Bush came in 39th out of 44 while Barack Obama was ranked 15th.

The Obama positioning tells you all you need to know about this poll. It's nonsense. President Obama is having major trouble, and outside of pa.s.sing an unpopular health care law, our current leader has achieved little-even counting his n.o.bel Peace Prize. Nevertheless, he's number 15! Come on. By any fair measure, this is stupid. Actually, it was unfair even to include Mr. Obama in the poll. Let the man at least finish his first term before evaluating him.

So we know the poll skews Left; that's why FDR and Obama did well. In this book, however, we don't skew any way but fairly, so let's take a look at some Presidents to see which have been Pinheads and which have been Patriots.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN Hands down, the best President ever. Compared to what he faced with Southern states seceding all over the place, most other Presidents' terms were like Caribbean vacations. Only Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who had to deal with the Great Depression and then World War II, faced anything comparable to old Abe.

And speaking of depression, Lincoln was afflicted with sometimes crippling "melancholia," which is what they called acute depression back then. Plagued with frequent bouts of gloom and despair, he fought through them even while under incredible stress.

Remember, the South was winning the Civil War right up until the battle of Gettysburg. Lincoln knew that hundreds of thousands of Americans were being killed and maimed in brutal warfare. Because of his determination to save the Union, he never wavered. His young son died, his wife was often unstable, and his generals let him down time after time. Yet Lincoln soldiered on and literally kept the United States from fracturing by employing sheer force of will. A great lesson for all Americans-never fold, fight to the end.

Abraham Lincoln was compa.s.sionate, brave, and unselfish, and he loved his country intensely. There is no better example of a true Patriot than the man from Hodgen's Mill, Kentucky.

GEORGE WASHINGTON Ranking just a notch below Lincoln on the presidential chart, Washington was amazingly brave and always put his country before his own self-glorification.

For eight years, Washington fought a guerilla-like campaign against the powerful British army and navy. He had little going for him since supplies were scant and his forces were constantly on the run. But the man remained steadfast; he alone inspired the colonial forces to stick it out despite their intense physical sufferings. At his Valley Forge winter headquarters, Washington lost a quarter of his men to disease in a matter of months.

George Washington, the man, was a quiet guy, a bit distant, with few close friends. But his troops and, later, his presidential cabinet loved him-primarily because of his basic decency. So how do I know that? Well, that's an excellent question. Most history books glamorize men like Washington and Lincoln, making it very hard to get a true read on them, no pun intended. But, as I mentioned, I have some excellent primary source historical material in my possession and one letter proves my contention about Washington.

Written shortly after the Battle of Bunker (Breed's) Hill by General Horatio Gates, Washington's second-in-command, the letter orders Colonel Artemus Ward and other colonial officers not to abuse captured British prisoners. Gates wrote this on August 1, 1775: His Excellency General Washington is very desirous that you give very particular directions to the princ.i.p.al surgeons in your department to take the greatest care of the poor unhappy [British] Marines who were wounded in the late attack upon the lighthouse; if no other good consequence should arise from a particular tenderness and attention to them at this time, we have our reward in the consciousness of doing and performing that humanity to conquered enemies, which, it is a shameful reproach and an everlasting stigma to General Gage, he has not shown to the poor and distressed inhabitants of Boston.

This is an extraordinary piece of history that clearly demonstrates a vital fact: the father of our country was a humane man even in the face of intense provocation. As the Gates letter tells us, the British "Redcoats" under the command of Thomas Gage were brutal to the people who lived in and around Boston. Yet Washington went out of his way to establish strict humanitarian rules for those captured by his forces. At the time, that kind of order was extremely rare because feelings of revenge were running high on both sides.

The nation's first President was one of the original human rights activists, as this missive from General Gates on Washington's behalf indicates.

Author's Collection Photographed by Ryan Eanes By his perspicacity, George Washington established the U.S. government as an ent.i.ty that seeks justice and extends mercy. His actions defined the newly formed United States as a n.o.ble nation. His brilliant performance during the Revolutionary War and subsequent leadership as President set an example that all American politicians should seek to emulate. Too bad many of them don't.

My admiration for George Washington is total. He is the gold standard as far as Patriotism is concerned.

ANDREW JACKSON Quick quiz question: What does Old Hickory have in common with Barack Obama? Well, both he and Obama won presidential elections with more than 50 percent of the vote. Only four Democrats in history have done that, Lyndon Johnson and FDR being the other two. But that is where the Jackson comparisons with our current President end.

Andrew Jackson was a guy who essentially hated Washington, both the town and the federal government. He thought the political establishment was rife with crooks, and he was correct, although, perhaps hypocritically, as he himself rewarded all kinds of cronies upon being elected.

Of this I'm sure: if he were alive today, ol' Andy would be horrified by Mr. Obama's expansion of the federal apparatus and would trust none of it. A 13-trillion-dollar deficit? Jackson would call out the militia.

Andrew Jackson was a brutal guy. As a boy in South Carolina, he watched the British commit atrocities during the Revolutionary War. Young Andy himself was scarred after being beaten by an English soldier. But then as a man, he turned around and committed horrifying war crimes himself. To this day, some Native Americans, especially those from the Cherokee tribe, refuse to carry $20 bills because they don't want to see Jackson's face. Indians well remember what Jackson did to the tribes living in the Southeast. For example, he forced the largely peaceful Cherokee Nation off their land, marching them west of the Mississippi River in the infamous Trail of Tears atrocity. It is estimated that more than four thousand Cherokees perished during that ordeal, many of them women, children, and elderly. There is no excuse for such treatment. Brutality is brutality whether it is 1830 or 2010.

Many working-cla.s.s white folks, however, loved Jackson. To them, he was the man who both hammered the British at the Battle of New Orleans and proved his mettle as a courageous Indian fighter. Once he got to Washington, Jackson attacked corruption in the banking industry and dealt harshly with the states' rights issues that threatened to divide the country. It is quite likely that some Southern states would have seceded from the Union during Jackson's presidency had he not been such a tough guy. In fact, I have a letter written by Harry Truman a.s.sessing Jackson and President James Buchanan: History will tell you, however, that old Buch was short on decision, and had he acted with the firmness of Andrew Jackson, for instance, in his dealing with the problems of the South, the War Between the States might well have been averted.

Nevertheless, human lives trump policy, so Andrew Jackson has to be held responsible for his brutal nature. Unlike Washington and Lincoln, who were inherently merciful, Jackson was hard-hearted. On balance, he did some good things for the nation, but overall, I have to designate him a Pinhead.

You gotta love it. In this letter from my personal collection, Harry Truman is stopping just short of calling James Buchanan a Pinhead (probably because I hadn't popularized the word yet!).

Author's Collection Photographed by Ryan Eanes TEDDY ROOSEVELT Here is the original no-spin guy. Want straight talk? T. R. is your man. After William McKinley was a.s.sa.s.sinated in September 1901, Roosevelt became President at age forty-three, the youngest man ever to sit in the White House. He probably said to himself What took so long?

Loud, fast-talking, and sometimes manic, T. R. drove some of his a.s.sistants crazy; more than a few even fled the room. He himself had no room for BS. I have a letter written by him in which he absolutely lays out President Woodrow Wilson: Wilson is in no sense of the word an idealist, but he is a doctrinaire. We probably have never had a President so devoid of regard for real ethics, based on conduct and deeds.

Here Teddy Roosevelt speaks his mind about Woodrow Wilson. He would have made a great guest on the Factor Factor if he were alive today, addressing everything from Wall Street to the environment like he did back in the day! if he were alive today, addressing everything from Wall Street to the environment like he did back in the day!

Author's Collection Photographed by Ryan Eanes Roosevelt thought Wilson was a weak-willed academic who lacked the cojones cojones to control the world's bad guys, something Roosevelt relished doing perhaps too much. For example, the Rough Rider deal was overplayed. To say the Spanish opposition in Cuba was hapless is to insult haps everywhere. to control the world's bad guys, something Roosevelt relished doing perhaps too much. For example, the Rough Rider deal was overplayed. To say the Spanish opposition in Cuba was hapless is to insult haps everywhere.

But Teddy R. did a number of very impressive things, two of which have stood the test of time. First, he took on big corporations who were subverting capitalism by ruthlessly imposing monopolies on a largely unsophisticated public. Roosevelt busted some of the so-called trusts, and did it with efficiency and determination. Like Andrew Jackson, if Teddy were alive today, he would bitterly oppose government bailouts of fat-cat companies and Wall Street corruption in general.

Second, Teddy was green, setting aside millions of acres of land for public use. His environmental policies, particularly in the West, are still benefiting the nation today. Ironically, T. R. was an avid game hunter. Perhaps he protected nature to benefit himself. But he did protect the land and loved nature in its pristine state.

On balance, I say, "bully!" Certainly, Teddy Roosevelt was not the second-best President of all time, but he was definitely a Patriot and you gotta love him!

U. S. GRANT Whenever I travel to Washington, I try to stay at the Willard Hotel near the White House. It was here that Abraham Lincoln lived before his inauguration, and it was in this hotel that the term lobbyist lobbyist was first coined. was first coined.

Here's the story: most days after a tough time in the White House, President U. S. Grant would repair to the Willard Hotel for a few c.o.c.ktails to, um, unwind. Knowing this, folks wanting favors from Grant would wait in the hotel's lobby, adjacent to the bar. When old Ulysses eventually wobbled out of said bar, these favor seekers would walk up and pet.i.tion him, knowing that he would be a bit mellower after a few libations. Thus, the word lobbyist lobbyist came into usage. came into usage.

There is no question that U. S. Grant liked his booze, or that his drinking cost him dearly. His administration was full of crooks, including his own brother, but Grant, as most historians submit, had no idea of the graft going on around him. Ironically, he was able to cut through the fog of war to defeat Robert E. Lee and the Confederate forces, but he never did cut through the fog of inebriation to deal effectively with government corruption as President.

So regretfully, U. S. Grant is a hybrid: a Patriot as a general, a Pinhead as a President.

JAMES BUCHANAN Old Buch was hands down the worst President of all time, with apologies to the aforementioned Andrew Johnson as well as Franklin Pierce, both of whom tried hard for the t.i.tle. Buchanan did absolutely nothing during his four years in office. As the country was aflame with controversy over slavery and the intense states' rights debate, Buchanan upheld the legality of slavery, while at the same time saying he was personally opposed to it. To confuse matters more, he also opposed the abolitionist movement, calling its members extremists. Since n.o.body ever knew what this guy was talking about, South Carolina basically told him to go f-himself. Buchanan then sent a federal warship to scare South Carolina out of seceding from the Union, but as soon as the ship was fired upon it hastily left the harbor.

Buchanan's response to an attack on a federal warship was to do nothing. From the time he was elected in 1856 to the time he was booted out in favor of Abraham Lincoln in 1860, James Buchanan slept in the White House but did little else. Barney Fife could have done a better job.

Buchanan's most famous quote as President was to Mr. Lincoln: "My dear, sir, if you are as happy on entering the White House as I on leaving, you are a very happy man indeed."

To which I hope Lincoln replied, "Hey, Jim, don't let the door hit you in the...Pinhead."

DWIGHT EISENHOWER My parents loved this guy. As a little boy in 1956, I remember my mother singing his presidential campaign song:

I like Ike.

I'll say it again and again.

I like Ike.

Let him finish the job he began!

I thought the song was kind of dopey, not nearly as catchy as the Davy Crockett song I sang all day long. But my parent's appreciation for the man is understandable.

General Eisenhower emerged as America's top hero after World War II; he fully deserved the label. Keeping the Allied Forces in Europe united and fighting hard was no easy task when you had eccentrics like Charles de Gaulle, Winston Churchill, and General Bernard Law Montgomery in your face. But Eisenhower held it together and, like Washington and Lincoln, did not exact revenge on the enemy, even though that enemy, n.a.z.i Germany, was among the most savage in history.

As President, Eisenhower was cautious and kind of dull, perfectly reflecting the decade he dominated, the 1950s. After the Great Depression, World War II, and the Korean War, Americans needed a break. Ike gave it to them. Hot dogs, baseball, and apple pie. Father Knows Best, Father Knows Best, and so did Ed Sullivan, Lawrence Welk, Perry Como, and Frank Sinatra. One of the few disruptions to the placid culture was Elvis. But even the "Hound Dog" guy was polite and nice to his mother. and so did Ed Sullivan, Lawrence Welk, Perry Como, and Frank Sinatra. One of the few disruptions to the placid culture was Elvis. But even the "Hound Dog" guy was polite and nice to his mother.

There is something to be said for a calming influence, especially after terrible turmoil. Eisenhower provided that. But privately, the man had a temper and held strong opinions.

Here I can reveal for the first time publically that the general was not a big fan of the Kennedy family. In 1968 he wrote a letter to his close friend General Robert Cutler in which he excoriated Robert Kennedy, who was campaigning for the Democratic presidential nomination: Two or three things are bothering me very much about the political situation these days. First, I am disgusted at the newspaper accounts of Kennedy's receptions throughout the country, at least in Kansas and California. It is difficult for me to see a single qualification that the man has for the presidency. I think he is shallow, vain, and untrustworthy-on top of which he is indecisive. Yet, his attraction for so many people is extraordinary. In my opinion what he would do to this country, if elected, would be nothing at all to what has happened to it over these past seven years!

While everyone "liked Ike," clearly Ike didn't like everyone in return. What was it about RFK that made him write these harsh words?

Author's Collection Photographed by Ryan Eanes Eisenhower, of course, was referring to the Vietnam debacle and the shocking cultural changes brought about by the Woodstock generation. As with many people his age, the old general must have been reeling as he watched the images of protest and social change on the nightly news. Somehow I can't picture him smoking weed and saying "far out."

I will deal with Robert Kennedy shortly and believe Ike's a.s.sessment of him is misguided, to say the least. But, for his time, Dwight Eisenhower was the right man for the presidency, as far as most Americans were concerned. He was a Patriot.

JIMMY CARTER I lost faith in the man from Plains, Georgia, when I saw him and his wife, Rosalynn, sitting next to Michael Moore at the Democratic National Convention in 2004. The three were happily chatting away and seemed to be having a grand old time.

Now, I have nothing against Moore personally. He's an ideological nut who can be entertaining. But, please, a former President of the United States yukking it up in front of the nation with a guy who admires Fidel Castro? No. As my mom told me, you will be evaluated by the quality of your companions.

If Carter had the poor judgment to sit next to Far Right radio fanatic Michael Savage, I'd say the same thing.

Jimmy Carter tried hard in the Oval Office and has done some good charitable work throughout his life. No question about that. He is not a bad man. After the turmoil of the Nixon years, Carter, somewhat like Barack Obama, was seen as a refreshing outsider who might put the country back on track. That was 1976. Disco also exploded in 1976. You get the connection, I'm sure.

Anyway, Jimmy Carter got his small-town b.u.t.t kicked in Washington. The economy was very bad, and even worse, Iran humiliated the United States by holding fifty-two Americans hostage for more than a year (prompting Walter Cronkite to remind the nation daily of exactly how many days the Americans had been held captive). Also, because of Carter's chaotic energy and foreign policies, there were enormous gas shortages throughout the United States. People waited on line for hours just to fill up their tanks. I was one of those people. It was awful.

Carter surrounded himself with cronies from Georgia and quickly was labeled a "rube" by the Washington establishment. I mean, it was b.l.o.o.d.y. When the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan, Carter tried to scold them, but he looked weak doing so. On Sat.u.r.day Night Live, Sat.u.r.day Night Live, Dan Aykroyd portrayed the President as a grinning b.u.mpkin. After two years in office, the Carter presidency was in deep trouble. He came across as the mayor of Mayberry, not as an authoritative President. Dan Aykroyd portrayed the President as a grinning b.u.mpkin. After two years in office, the Carter presidency was in deep trouble. He came across as the mayor of Mayberry, not as an authoritative President.

After fighting off a brutal primary challenge by Ted Kennedy, Carter ran against Ronald Reagan in 1980 and lost big-time. In fact, Reagan never broke a sweat, swatting the beleaguered President in a debate by simply saying, "There you go again."

It is almost eerie that today we may be experiencing a giant flashback to the Carter era. President Obama's job approval rating is descending because of the economy, the oil spill, and overseas chaos, some of it generated by Iran. Will Obama be a Carter redux?

Jimmy Carter tried hard to be a Patriot; his service to America proves that. But he was also a terrible President, and that qualifies him as a Pinhead. So on balance, what's your your verdict? I am betting you'll say Pinhead. verdict? I am betting you'll say Pinhead.

GERALD FORD This man's life was also changed by the chaos Richard Nixon bequeathed the country. First, President Nixon appointed Ford, who was the Speaker of the House, to be vice President after the feds busted Spiro Agnew on a variety of corruption charges. By the way, "Ted" Agnew's dealings make Governor Rod Blagojevich look like a Patriot; he was that crooked.

Anyway, Gerald Ford was a decent guy who found himself in circ.u.mstances way beyond his control. Ten months after replacing Agnew, the man from Michigan was sworn in as President after Richard Nixon was forced to resign over the Watergate scandal. A month later, Ford pardoned Nixon, ending what he called "our long national nightmare." The pardon would come back to haunt him.

I had the opportunity to talk with Gerald Ford a number of times before he died in 2006. Among other things, he told me the presidential accomplishment of which he was most proud was the 1975 Helsinki Accord by which the Soviet Union renounced the use of military force to control countries in Eastern Europe like Poland and Hungary. Mr. Ford believed that this accord laid the groundwork for the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union almost twenty years later.

In 1976 Jimmy Carter easily defeated the inc.u.mbent Ford by fifty-seven electoral votes and close to two million popular votes. Ford lost the election largely because the media portrayed him as a b.u.mbling fool. On Sat.u.r.day Night Live, Sat.u.r.day Night Live, Chevy Chase played the President as a walking disaster, falling down every two minutes. Former President Lyndon Johnson described Ford, who was actually very athletic, as a man who had played too much football "without a helmet." Chevy Chase played the President as a walking disaster, falling down every two minutes. Former President Lyndon Johnson described Ford, who was actually very athletic, as a man who had played too much football "without a helmet."

Gerald Ford had a chance to turn that perception around in the presidential debates with Carter, but he blew it. Ford came off as inarticulate and old next to the youthful, energetic governor of Georgia.

The truth is that Gerald Ford was a good man who was in over his head as President. Even though he was an establishment player, he devoted his life to his country. Thus, he goes into the Patriot category on his good intentions alone.

RONALD REAGAN Now here's an interesting guy. Not as brilliant as his supporters purport, but very effective at leading the nation, especially in his second term when the pressure of reelection was off.

When Reagan left office in 1988, more Americans were working than at any other time in the nation's history. But in 1987, the stock market crashed more sharply than it had in 1929.

Reagan slashed taxes, but the national debt surpa.s.sed $1 trillion for the first time ever. By comparison, it is now $13 trillion, with bankruptcy a real possibility for the United States.

President Reagan spent freely on defense, a strategy that caused the Soviet Union to go bankrupt, or so some historians contend (correctly, I think). So on policy matters, President Reagan won some and lost some. His legacy, however, will be as a strong conservative leader.

Mr. Reagan was not a culture warrior per se. He did not relish confrontation the way CWs have to. But he was firm in his beliefs. I have a letter written in Reagan's hand to a proabortion advocate on Long Island: I have a very deep belief that interrupting a pregnancy means the taking of a human life. In our Judeo-Christian tradition this can only be justified as a matter of self defense.

That kind of clarity made Ronald Reagan an inspiring leader to many Americans. Even if you disagree with him, you would have to acknowledge that he brought prestige and authority to the White House, which was badly needed after President Carter's chaotic term. Even though the press constantly derided him, Reagan was able to communicate directly to the folks, frustrating the national media. ABC White House correspondent Sam Donaldson told me at the time that Reagan never made a decision unless "Mommy" signed off on it. "Mommy," of course, was Nancy Reagan. Donaldson and some other Washington reporters thought Reagan was an unsophisticated thinker, a rube who did not deserve to lead the country.

Ronald Reagan took a moment to handwrite this personal note to a proabortion advocate about his deep beliefs in opposition to abortion.

Author's Collection Photographed by Ryan Eanes Finally, both President Reagan and President Obama have one significant thing in common: both saw their poll numbers dive in their second year in office. Reagan, as you all know, made a comeback that qualifies him for major Patriot status.

Mr. Obama has time left in office for the same to occur, but he also has a long climb back.

BUSH THE ELDER Short takes: Like him. War hero. Entire career devoted to serving his country. Not good at reading lips. Told me the New York Times New York Times and Dan Rather treated him unfairly. Which is true. Mediocre President who got caught in the recession blues. As did his son W., which is kinda ironic. Benefited slightly from and Dan Rather treated him unfairly. Which is true. Mediocre President who got caught in the recession blues. As did his son W., which is kinda ironic. Benefited slightly from Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live impressionist Dana Carvey's "wouldn't be prudent" line. Patriot. impressionist Dana Carvey's "wouldn't be prudent" line. Patriot.

WARREN HARDING Only James Buchanan saves him from consideration as the worst President of all time. Harding was a good card player who took over the country in the wake of World War I. But he was ultimately disgraced. If you don't know what the Teapot Dome scandal was, trust me, it was not good. Neither was Harding, who did little in office other than play poker and spend taxpayer money on lavish dinner parties.

Word is, somebody may have poisoned Mr. Harding. He died in San Francisco's Palace Hotel at age fifty-eight. We cannot confirm the rumors of murder, but his wife did refuse an autopsy. He was in the city by the bay as part of his cross-country "Voyage of Understanding," a political ploy meant to showcase him talking with regular folks who told him, as we can now report, that he was a Pinhead.