Pillow Talk Part 34

A surge of adrenalin coursed through her. A sense that this was to be one of the defining days of her life.

Little did she know it was to be one of the defining days of Arlo's life, too. But he was acutely aware of the fact. It had prevented him from sleeping a wink.

It did cross Petra's mind that Watford underground station would be more convenient than Watford Junction mainline it was a pleasant walk to her father's house from there. But of course there was no way she could alert Arlo to this; nothing should compromise the magnitude of the gesture she was willing him to make. She did wonder if Arlo had actually been in touch with her father and if so, how had he come by his number? And if he hadn't, then might it be a wasted trip because it was unlikely her father would be at home on a Friday morning. And then she thought that her daydreaming was veering off on a ridiculous tangent. Perhaps this trip had nothing at all to do with her family. But it would be amazing if it did have to do with the other. With betrothal. Perhaps there was some idyllic spot, which happened to be nearer Watford Junction, that Petra didn't know. Or perhaps they were going to meet someone. Arlo's mum, maybe? How far was Potters Bar? Could Watford be her suggestion? Is there a stately home near there with a nice place for lunch or something? Where's Hatfield House? Petra was hoping to meet her; Arlo spoke so fondly of her. And, being someone whose parents showed little interest in her, Petra had long been on the lookout for surrogates: subconsciously or otherwise. Was today really going to be that mystical day when she was going to be invited into a family? Whatever, Watford was fine by Petra.

Here we are.

Where's Arlo?

There he is.

Christ, he looks dreadful.

Petra was aware that Arlo had seen her but that he had chosen to look away. He was a hunched figure, deathly pale. His hands plunged deep into the pockets of his jeans, his shoulders hunched up against his ears, as if he was trapped in a micro-climate; that it was winter in his world and that he was freezing cold. Actually, it was T-shirt weather; cropped jeans and sandals for Petra.

'Hullo?' she said, c.o.c.king her head to peer up into his downcast face.

'Hi,' he said, darting away from eye contact as if it hurt. 'Hi.' He ushered her into a taxi, mumbling something to the driver.

She gave him a long, tender kiss on his cheek. He pecked her back. His eyes bloodshot, so dark around the sockets that it looked as though he'd been daubed with coal dust. He had that haunted look about him like those photographs of miners who'd been trapped in some h.e.l.l-hole deep beneath the surface of everyday life. Waiting to be rescued.

'Are you OK?'

'Didn't sleep.' He looked up at Petra and she wasn't sure whether his expression was so much beseeching as one of terror. The journey continued in silence. 'Here's fine,' he suddenly said, repeating himself when the cabbie said, 'But-' He took Petra's hand, dragging her. 'Come on,' he said and he set off; a sense of dread about the manner of his walk, as if his body was resigned to be going in one direction but his soul was trying desperately to pull him in the other.

I don't think we are going to my father's, Petra thought. And I don't think Arlo is going to propose to me today.

So where is he taking me? And why has he asked me to join him on a journey that he so obviously does not want to make?

His pace falters and then picks up and then falters again. As if positive thoughts are in constant battle with negative.

'You OK?' Petra had asked him a couple of streets ago.

'Fine,' he had said, unconvincingly.

'Where are we going?' Petra just asked him, deciding to be bright and cheery.

'Not far now,' he answered, his voice like paper being torn, floating away in the rush of traffic on the A41.

Petra thinks perhaps she ought not to talk until they've arrived at wherever it is that they are going. His hands are still in his pockets, but she links her arm through his and she thinks it's a good idea to smile for the both of them.

They are walking now alongside a cemetery.

Approaching the gates.

And this is where Arlo stops.

He turns to Petra.

'I-' His voice is choked by tears. Petra can see him visibly bite down hard on his bottom lip. He has his back to the gates. He is swaying, just perceptibly, from foot to foot whether it's to keep his balance, or whether he is losing it, is unclear.

'Arlo?' Petra says gently, touching his forearm with her fingertips. He takes a step back. Won't look at Petra. 'She's in there,' he says, with a quick look over his left shoulder.

Petra is standing in front of Arlo so she has to move a little to one side, to peer in the direction to which he alluded. She can't see anyone. Well, she can see an old boy, with his wheelbarrow. But she can't see a 'she'.

'Who is?' she asks.

'Helen is,' Arlo says.

'Helen's in there?'

'Yes.'

He's still not looking at her.

'Where?' Petra is flummoxed.

'In there,' Arlo says.

'She's in there right now?' Petra asks.

'Yes, she's in there,' Arlo says. He is shaking. 'She's dead.'

Petra is so physically winded by this that she staggers a step backwards. She is shocked, horrified and she's clasped her hands to her mouth gobsmacked, literally. 'Helen died?'

Arlo is staring at his feet, his shoulders are starting to heave. Petra knows that he is crying and momentarily she is not quite sure the best way to react, for Arlo's sake. She's never seen a man cry. Should she leave him alone or crowd him with the surges of love and sympathy she's feeling? She takes a step closer. Another. His hands are in his pockets. Occasionally, his voice breaks through the mostly silent, racking sobs. She slips her arms around his waist and lays her head against his chest. His heavy heavy heart. Her whirling, whirring mind. What should I say? How do I feel? Christ, she's dead.

Petra is relieved to feel, finally, Arlo's arms around her. He's not so much holding her tight, but clinging to her. And he's crying; his voice light, like a boy's. And Petra is OK with this. So she tells him so.

'It's OK, it's OK.'

And when he is quieting down a little she gently, very gently, says, 'What happened?'

And he says to her, in a voice as clear as the skies above them, 'I killed her.'

Chapter Forty-seven.

It does cross Petra's mind that the bench she and Arlo have limped to, and have sat on in long, long silence, is probably reserved for the elderly. It's dedicated to the memory of Alfred Harold and his dates show that he departed this world at a ripe old age. The bench is outside the cemetery, but huddled close to the wall. Arlo is slumped with the effort of his revelation. Petra is sitting bolt upright with the shock of it. It's as if it has left his body and speared hers.

'What happened?' she asks.

'I drove her to it,' Arlo says, 'literally.'

Petra isn't sure what she feels. Is she to run from him? Or is she here to save his soul? It feels as if her world is on the verge of demolition. Does she have time to stay and listen? Just so that she knows? But she is wary of what she's about to hear. Yet he's brought her this far. Haven't they both come this far? And that's big. She rests her back against Alfred Harold's bench and she and Arlo are shoulder to shoulder, touching.

'Ten years ago,' Arlo starts and then stops. Petra looks at him because she's sensed he's stopped breathing. He's staring hard and she knows he's a decade away. He exhales. 'Ten years ago, I met Helen. She was four years older than me. Very attractive. Very well sorted, in a way. I was songwriting. She was forging ahead in management worked for a company that consulted at the record label I wrote for. I really really liked her. I know this sounds stupid but I liked the fact that she was so driven, ambitious, tailored. She was a proper woman, I suppose. She was unlike anyone I'd been with who up until then were mostly younger than me and in the music business. Archetypal rock chicks. It's difficult to paint you a picture. It's irrelevant in some ways. I was seduced by the whole yin-yang aspect me the musician, strumming and strolling through life, working when I wanted, how I wanted, wearing what I felt like, living it up into the small hours, sleeping until the afternoon. Helen was this motivated, vibrant woman who was up with the lark and first in the office and wore expensive suits and killer heels. Initially, I got off on being her bit of rough though actually, our backgrounds and families were very similar.

'I liked the way she bossed me around and organized my life. Everything felt so easy. I didn't have to think. We had good food, good wine, good s.e.x, good prospects, good friends. So when she proposed to me a couple of years later on a leap-year Valentine's Day I didn't really think about saying no. I said yes. I thought, Why not? Everyone was delighted, of course. My mother was thrilled. Helen bossed her around too, in the nicest possible way took her clothes shopping, tea at the Ritz, organized for the house to be redecorated, invited my mum over to her parents'. Organized her parents to involve my mum in all sorts. My mum was game. She'd been widowed, remember.

'And so my life bowled on. The wedding soon became everything. Helen chose the ring and I sent a cheque because she'd even thought to arrange for the invoice to be sent to me. She showed me pictures of our wedding venue, details of where we'd honeymoon, particulars of houses she thought would be suitable. And on and on it went. Was I happy? I wasn't unhappy. I was happy trotting at her high heels. I didn't have to think.

'Then Rox wanted a song and they didn't much care for my new stuff. And I wrote something specifically with them in mind with their singer's voice in my ears and they didn't like that either. And they said, How about a ballad? I hadn't really done ballads in a long while. I told them so and they said, Well, what did you do a while ago, and I laughed and strummed a few chords of "Among the Flowers" very fast and their jaws dropped and they said, We love, we love it. I said, Are you mad I wrote that when I was a teenager.

'Anyway, I had to stand there and perform it for them and their manager, having not even thought about that song, let alone sung it, for years and years. But something swept over me, engulfed me, while I sang it. I'd love to say it was a vision of you, Petra especially as look at us now, the full circle that we've come but it wasn't like that. However, what the song did do, was transport me back to a time of such idealism, a time when my wishes and hopes were so pure, a time when I wrote songs like that because I believed absolutely that love made the world go round, that love was the greatest thing to which one should aspire, love was what songs were meant to be about, love was life's driving force.

'Deluded, maybe I was only sixteen, seventeen, when I wrote "Among the Flowers".'

'But singing it again made me experience anew all those dormant feelings. Those sky-reaching hopes and the freshness that had once defined me, that had inspired me to write that song, flooded back. And while I knew that I had over-romanticized love because, back when I wrote it, I didn't really know anything about it, of course I did know that there had to be more. Between me and Helen. There had to be more. Marriage however old-fashioned remains the apotheosis of love. And even though my early twenties had hardened some of the softness of my teenage dreams, I still knew that if you are to marry a woman you ought to really, really love her.

'And giving my love song to Rox was like relinquishing a little bit of me. When I looked to see what was left I saw a man about to f.u.c.k up his life and the life of another. I didn't want to be that man. And actually, I couldn't do that to my mum. She'd loved my dad so. I couldn't throw away that gold-edged leaf from their book which they'd so lovingly written.

'I had to call it off. For everyone's sake. For my sanity.

'I was a coward. I dithered and dallied and turned deaf ears to my conscience. And the wedding was getting closer and closer and the plans were being refined and the details were becoming even more ornate and expensive and with one week to go I thought to myself, If I don't say something now, I will be walking up that aisle in seven days' time and the rest of our lives, the lives of so many, will be my fault.

'But still I was a coward. And I was awful I was sullen and cold, I suppose hoping to give Helen reason to call it off first. But she just laughed and patted me I really remember that: she patted me and she said, Don't you go getting cold feet now, the deposits are non-refundable. And Petra, I don't even know if she was joking. When I think back to it, Helen was so meticulous and organized, of course she'd have ensured money-back clauses where possible. She was brilliant at stuff like that. But it made me feel s.h.i.t and I thought I'd better just shut up and put up.

'It was making me ill. I couldn't keep any food down. I couldn't work. All I could do was sleep. I'd sleep for great tracts of the day. Maybe it was a form of narcolepsy, I don't know perhaps I slept to block it all out, to have time out from worrying about how to do what I knew I had to do. I could be anywhere home, bus, work, eating, reading, talking and sleep would just envelop me like a heavy black cloak of sublime nothingness.

'Helen was worried. Helen organized a doctor's appointment. Helen thought I had a virus, or a reaction to the jabs we'd had for our honeymoon. I didn't go to the doctor. I was asleep. I wouldn't have gone anyway. That night, when Helen came home from her last day at work two days before the wedding she was white as a sheet. And I just about managed to tear myself away from the TV to say, Are you OK, babe? And she said, You don't love me, Arlo, do you? And my pause was all the information she needed. And she said, s.h.i.t. And I said, I'm sorry. And she said, Do you really not love me? And I said, I really really like you you're an amazing woman. And she said, Did I think I could still marry an amazing woman that I really really liked? And there was no pause before I said, No, I didn't think I could. And Helen yelled, Are you telling me that I'm to call off my wedding? And I yelled, It's my wedding too. And she screamed, It was never your f.u.c.king wedding, Arlo.

'And that's the last thing she said to me.

'She drove off in a fury. I don't know where she was going. No one does. To her parents, I suppose. But there was a crash.'

'You didn't kill her,' Petra weeps, turning to Arlo urgently.

'I did,' Arlo says before Petra can continue. 'She was on life support. Her parents thought I should be the one to turn the machine off. On our wedding day. They thought it would be symbolic. They thought it would help me heal. They thought it was what Helen would have wanted. So you see, I did kill her, Petra. I broke her heart. I broke her body. And then I turned the f.u.c.king machine off and that was that.'

His breath is coming fast and shallow.

'And they all still think I'm some kind of saint for whom tragedy struck at such a young age. And I haven't corrected them. Everyone loves me, everyone cares about me, everyone feels so desperate for me. I've never told anyone the truth, Petra. I've been living a lie. I've never told anyone any of this. No one knows. No one knows. Just you. My lovely lovely you.'

Petra's fingers go fast to Arlo's lips and she stares at him intensely. 'That's enough,' she says. He's had enough pain. She doesn't think she can absorb any further details. She can't believe there possibly can be any more.

Gently, he pulls her fingers away, kisses the palm of her hand while he closes his eyes against the pain of the past and what he presumes to be his lost future who is sitting on the bench next to him, staring him lovingly in the face.

'For the last five years, I've been getting all this love which I just don't deserve. I'm seen as victim, not perpetrator. People want only for my happiness. They all think I deserve happiness, that I deserve to find love again. Hence me running away from everything I knew. Becoming a teacher. Making the North York Moors my home. Hence the celibacy. And then you. Into my life came you.'

'But Arlo-?'

Again he silences her. 'No. Do you know something, Petra, when you left me over the Miranda stuff, I desperately needed some s.p.a.ce to myself so do you know what I did? I rang Helen's parents and said, Hullo, how are you, can I use your little place in Scotland and they said, Arlo, Arlo, how lovely to hear from you, of course you can. How are you, Arlo? How are you? Will you come and see us soon?'

Tear-stained and tired, he turns to Petra.

'That's me,' he shrugs. 'Nice, aren't I?'

Petra daren't speak. She just hopes that her own tears, and her slow shake of her head will be read in the spirit they are meant: Don't say such things, Arlo. You poor poor man of mine.

He turns his head and stares along the cemetery wall.

'I haven't been back, Petra. I haven't been here. I haven't been in there. Not since the funeral.'

Petra follows his gaze. She puts her arm around him, a slow and gentle embrace, like an adult soothing a child.

'I've never said sorry.'

'It's never too late,' Petra tells him. 'It's never too late. You're here now. Go. Go to Helen. Go now, Arlo. Take your time. I'll wait. I'll be here for you. I promise.'

He looks at Petra as if she's an angel. He looks at Petra as if she's insane. He looks along the wall towards the entrance and whilst he's looking there, he starts to nod. And then he leaves the bench and walks away.

Petra waits. Almost fifty minutes she waits. And while she waits she concentrates hard on things like the configuration of paving stones. She searches for tessellations in the cemetery wall. She tries to find a sequence in the colours of the cars that hurtle past her. She counts between lorries. Anything, anything. She'll think about anything else.

Arlo is walking back to her. He looks desperately tired.

He pulls her to her feet and holds her against him, kisses and kisses the top of her head.

'I have to go,' he says. 'I have to go right now. I have to collect the boys from Columbia Records. Then on to Wigmore Hall. Then we have to pack. We leave at the crack of dawn.'

He whispers thank you, and sorry, over and over again. He leaves her. Jaywalks over the A41. Disappears from view.

Petra is left, sitting on Alfred Harold's bench, trying to digest but far too full to ruminate.

Eventually, she decides she should make a move. She wonders whether to phone her father and say, Dad, can you come and collect me, I'm a bit stuck. But Petra has never turned to her father in all the times she's been stuck. And he'll be at work anyway. It's just a regular Friday morning in June. So Petra heads off down the A41 because she knows there are two huge supermarkets further on. And at ASDA, she takes a cab back to Watford Junction.

Chapter Forty-eight.

Petra did toy with the idea of phoning Felix's mobile and asking to speak to his teacher. She'd gone directly from Euston to the studio, staying long enough only to a.s.sure the others what a wonderful time she'd had the night before and to force an enigmatic smile to explain away her late arrival. She was unsure whether Watford was to be the making of Arlo and her, or whether it was the death knell which rang in her ears alongside Arlo's words. She did know she did not want to talk about it just yet. Politely declining her Studio Three's suggestion of Friday evening drinks, Petra left to spend the last part of the afternoon with Charlton discussing hinges and links and pivots. It was only later, sitting in her dank little flat pa.s.sing her mobile from hand to hand, that she had an overwhelming desire to reach out to Arlo. The enormity of what he'd been through, the repercussion for the rest of his life, began to sink in. She knew he was somewhere in Swiss Cottage until dawn. But she also knew that a student's phone did not provide the best route. The tragedy was immense. She hadn't experienced anything which came even close. What on earth could she say? But she saved the boy's number anyway.

Her phone rang almost immediately. She jumped. Felix? No, Lucy. Petra was strangely disappointed.