Phelim Otoole's Courtship and Other Stories Part 14

Art sallied down to the hedge on which the linen had been put out to dry, and having reconnoitered the premises, shrugged himself, and cast a longing eye on the third shirt. With that knavish penetration, however, peculiar to such persons, he began to reflect that Sally might have some other object in view besides his accommodation. He determined, therefore, to proceed upon new principles--sufficiently safe, he thought, to protect him from the consequences of theft. "Good-morrow, Bush," said Art, addressing that on which the third shirt was spread.

"Isn't it a burnin' shame an' a sin for you," he continued, "to have sich a line white shirt an you, an' me widout a st.i.tch to my back. Will you swap?"

Having waited until the bush had due time to reply.

"Sorra fairer," he observed; "silence gives consint."

In less than two minutes he stripped, put on one of the Squire's best shirts, and spread out his own dusky fragment in its place.

"It's a good thing," said Art, "to have a clear conscience; a fair exchange is no robbery."

Now, it so happened that the Squire himself, who was a humorist, and also a justice of the peace, saw Art putting his morality in practice at the hedge. He immediately walked out with an intention of playing off a trick upon the fool for his dishonesty; and he felt the greater inclination to do this in consequence of an opinion long current, that Art, though he had outwitted several, had never been outwitted himself.

Art had been always a welcome guest in the Squire's kitchen, and never pa.s.sed the "Big House," as an Irish country gentleman's residence is termed, without calling. On this occasion, however, he was too cunning to go near it--a fact which the Squire observed. By taking a short cut across one of his own fields, he got before Art, and turning the angle of a hedge, met him trotting along at his usual pace.

"Well, Art, where now?"

"To the cra.s.s roads, your honor."

"Art, is not this a fine place of mine? Look at these groves, and the lawn, and the river there, and the mountains behind all. Is it not equal to Sir William E-----'s?"

Sir William was Art's favorite patron.

"Sir William, your honor, has all this at his place."

"But I think my views are finer."

"They're fine enough," replied Art; "but where's the lake afore the door?"

The Squire said no more about his prospects.

"Art," he continued, "would you carry a letter from me to M-----?"

"I'll be wantin' somethin' to dhrink on the way," said Art.

"You shall get something to eat and drink before you go," said the Squire, "and half-a-crown for your trouble."

"Augh," exclaimed Art, "be dodda, sir, you're nosed like Sir William, and chinned like Captain Taylor." This was always Art's compliment when pleased.

The Squire brought him up to the house, ordered him refreshment, and while Art partook of it, wrote a _letter of mittimus_ to the county jailor, authorizing him to detain the bearer in prison until he should hear further from him.

Art, having received the half-crown and the letter, appeared delighted; but, on hearing the name of the person to whom it was addressed, he smelt a trick. He promised faithfully, however, to deliver it, and betrayed no symptoms whatever of suspicion. After getting some distance from the big house, he set his wits to work, and ran over in his mind the names of those who had been most in the habit of annoying him. At the head of this list stood Phelim O'Toole, and on Phelim's head did he resolve to transfer the revenge which the Squire, he had no doubt, intended to take on himself.

With considerable speed he made way to Larry O'Toole's, where such a scene presented itself as made him for a moment forget the immediate purport of his visit.

Opposite Phelim, dressed out in her best finery, stood the housekeeper, zealously insisting' on either money or marriage. On one side of him stood old Donovan and his daughter, whom he had forced to come, in the character of a witness, to support his charges against the gay deceiver.

On the other were ranged Sally Flattery, in tears, and her uncle in wrath, each ready to pounce upon Phelim.

Phelim stood the very emblem of patience and good-humor. When one of them attacked him, he winked at the other two when either of the other two came on, he Winked still at those who took breath. Sometimes he trod on his father's toe, lest the old fellow might lose the joke, and not unfrequently proposed their going to a public-house, and composing their differences over a bottle, if any of them would pay the expenses.

"What do you mane to do?" said the housekeeper; "but it's asy known I'm an unprojected woman, or I wouldn't be thrated as I am. If I had relations livin' or near me, we'd pay you on the bones for bringin' me to shame and scandal, as you have done."

"Upon my sanies, Mrs. Doran, I feel for your situation, so I do," said Phelim. You've outlived all your friends, an' if it was in my power to bring any o' them back to you I'd do it."

"Oh, you desaver, is that the feelin' you have for me, when I thought you'd be a guard an' a projection to me? You know I have the money, you sconce, an' how comfortable it 'ud keep us, if you'd only see what's good for you. You blarnied an' palavered me, you villain, till you gained my infections an' thin you tuck the cholic as an excuse to lave me in a state of dissolution an' disparagement. You promised to marry me, an' you had no notion of it."

"You're not the only one he has disgraced, Mrs. Doran," said Donovan.

"A purty way he came down, himself an' his father, undher pretence of coortin' my daughter. He should lay down his ten guineas, too, to show us what he had to begin the world wid, the villain!--an' him had no notion of it aither."

"An' he should send this girl to make me go to the priest to have him and her called, the reprobate," said Nick Flattery; "an' him had no notion of it aither."

"Sure he sent us all there," exclaimed Donovan.

"He did," said the old woman.

"Not a doubt of it," observed Flattery.

"Ten guineas!" said the housekeeper. "An' so you brought my ten guineas in your pocket to coort another girl! Aren't you a right profligate?"

"Yes," said Donovan, "aren't you a right profligate?"

"Answer the dacent people," said Mattery, "aren't you a right profligate?"

"Take the world asy, all of ye," replied Phelim. "Mrs. Doran, there was three of you called, sure enough; but, be the vestments, I intinded--do you hear me, Mrs. Doran? Now have rason--I say, do you hear me? Be the vestmints, I intinded to marry only one of you; an' that I'll do still, except I'm vexed--(a wink at the old woman). Yet you're all flyin' at me, as if I had three heads or three tails upon me."

"Maybe the poor boy's not so much to blame," said Mrs. Doran. "There's hussies in this world," and here she threw an angry eye upon the other two, "that 'ud give a man no pace till he'd promise to marry them."

"Why did he promise to them that didn't want him thin?" exclaimed Donovan. "I'm not angry that he didn't marry my daughther--for I wouldn't give her to him now--but I am at the slight he put an her."

"Paddy Donovan, did you hear what I said jist now?" replied Phelim, "I wish to Jamini some people 'ud have sinse! Be them five cra.s.ses, I knew thim I intinded to marry, as well as I do where I'm standin'. That's plain talk, Paddy. I'm sure the world's not pa.s.sed yet, I hope"--(a wink at Paddy Donovan.)

"An' wasn't he a big rascal to make little of my brother's daughter as he did?" said Flattery; "but he'll rub his heels together for the same act."

"Nick Flathery, do you think I could marry three wives? Be that horseshoe over the door, Sally Flathery, you didn't thrate me dacent.

She did not, Nick, an' you ought to know that it was wrong of her to come here to-day."

"Well, but what do you intind to do Phelim, avourn--you profligate?"

said the half-angry, half-pacified housekeeper, who, being the veteran, always led on the charge. "Why, I intind to marry one of you," said Phelim. "I say, Mrs. Doran, do you see thim ten fingers acra.s.s--be thim five cra.s.ses I'll do what I said, if nothing happens to put it aside."

"Then be an honest man," said Flattery, "an' tell us which o' them you will marry."

"Nick, don't you know I always regarded your family. If I didn't that I may never do an ill turn! Now! But some people can't see anything.

Arrah, fandher-an'-whiskey, man, would you expect me to tell out before all that's here, who I'll marry--to be hurtin' the feelin's of the rest.

Faith, I'll never do a shabby thing."

"What rekimpinse will you make my daughter for bringin' down her name afore the whole parish, along wid them she oughtn't to be named in the one day wid?" said Donovan.

"An' who is that, Paddy Donovan?" said the housekeeper, with a face of flame.