Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters Part 2

Mrs Handyc.o.c.k was a little meagre woman, who did not speak very good English, and who appeared to me to employ the major part of her time in bawling out from the top of the stairs to the servants below. I never saw her either read a book or occupy herself with needlework, during the whole time I was in the house. She had a large grey parrot, and I really cannot tell which screamed the worse of the two--but she was very civil and kind to me, and asked me ten times a day when I had last heard of my grandfather, Lord Privilege. I observed that she always did so if any company happened to call in during my stay at her house. Before I had been there ten minutes, she told me that she "hadored sailors--they were the defendiours and preserviours of their kings and countries," and that "Mr Handyc.o.c.k would be home by four o'clock, and then we should go to dinner." Then she jumped off her chair to bawl to the cook from the head of the stairs--"Jemima, Jemima!--ve'll ha'e the viting biled instead of fried." "Can't, marm," replied Jemima, "they be all begged and crumbed, with their tails in their mouths." "Vell, then, never mind, Jemima,"

replied the lady.--"Don't put your finger into the parrot's cage, my love--he's apt to be cross with strangers. Mr Handyc.o.c.k will be home at four o'clock, and then we shall have our dinner. Are you fond of viting?"

As I was very anxious to see Mr Handyc.o.c.k, and very anxious to have my dinner, I was not sorry to hear the clock on the stairs strike four, when Mrs Handyc.o.c.k again jumped up, and put her head over the banisters, "Jemima, Jemima, it's four o'clock!" "I hear it, marm," replied the cook; and she gave the frying-pan a twist, which made the hissing and the smell come flying up into the parlour, and made me more hungry than ever.

Rap, tap, tap! "There's your master, Jemima," screamed the lady. "I hear him, marm," replied the cook. "Run down, my dear, and let Mr Handyc.o.c.k in," said his wife. "He'll be so surprised at seeing you open the door."

I ran down, as Mrs Handyc.o.c.k desired me, and opened the street-door.

"Who the devil are you?" in a gruff voice, cried Mr Handyc.o.c.k; a man about six feet high, dressed in blue cotton-net pantaloons and Hessian boots, with a black coat and waistcoat. I was a little rebuffed, I must own, but I replied that I was Mr Simple. "And pray, Mr Simple, what would your grandfather say if he saw you now? I have servants in plenty to open my door, and the parlour is the proper place for young gentlemen."

"Law, Mr Handyc.o.c.k," said his wife, from the top of the stairs, "how can you be so cross? I told him to open the door to surprise you."

"And you have surprised me," replied he, "with your cursed folly."

While Mr Handyc.o.c.k was rubbing his boots on the mat, I went upstairs rather mortified, I must own, as my father had told me that Mr Handyc.o.c.k was his stockbroker, and would do all he could to make me comfortable: indeed, he had written to that effect in a letter, which my father showed to me before I left home. When I returned to the parlour, Mrs Handyc.o.c.k whispered to me, "Never mind, my dear, it's only because there's something wrong on 'Change. Mr Handyc.o.c.k is a _bear_ just now."

I thought so too, but I made no answer, for Mr Handyc.o.c.k came upstairs, and walking with two strides from the door of the parlour to the fire-place, turned his back to it, and lifting up his coat-tails, began to whistle.

"Are you ready for your dinner, my dear?" said the lady, almost trembling.

"If the dinner is ready for me. I believe we usually dine at four,"

answered her husband, gruffly.

"Jemima, Jemima, dish up! do you hear, Jemima?" "Yes, marm," replied the cook, "directly I've thickened the b.u.t.ter;" and Mrs Handyc.o.c.k resumed her seat, with, "Well, Mr Simple, and how is your grandfather, Lord Privilege?" "He is quite well, ma'am," answered I, for the fifteenth time at least. But dinner put an end to the silence which followed this remark. Mr Handyc.o.c.k lowered his coat-tails and walked downstairs, leaving his wife and me to follow at our leisure.

"Pray, ma'am," inquired I, as soon as he was out of hearing, "what is the matter with Mr Handyc.o.c.k, that he is so cross to you?"

"Vy, my dear, it is one of the misfortunes of mater-mony, that ven the husband's put out, the vife is sure to have her share of it. Mr Handyc.o.c.k must have lost money on 'Change, and then he always comes home cross. Ven he vins, then he is as merry as a cricket."

"Are you people coming down to dinner?" roared Mr Handyc.o.c.k from below.

"Yes, my dear," replied the lady, "I thought that you were washing your hands." We descended into the dining-room, where we found that Mr Handyc.o.c.k had already devoured two of the whitings, leaving only one on the dish for his wife and me. "Vould you like a little bit of viting, my dear?" said the lady to me. "It's not worth halving," observed the gentleman, in a surly tone, taking up the fish with his own knife and fork, and putting it on his plate.

"Well, I'm so glad you like them, my dear," replied the lady meekly; then turning to me, "there's some nice roast _weal_ coming, my dear."

The veal made its appearance, and fortunately for us, Mr Handyc.o.c.k could not devour it all. He took the lion's share, nevertheless, cutting off all the brown, and then shoving the dish over to his wife to help herself and me. I had not put two pieces in my mouth before Mr Handyc.o.c.k desired me to get up and hand him the porter-pot, which stood on the sideboard. I thought that if it was not right for me to open a door, neither was it for me to wait at table--but I obeyed him without making a remark.

After dinner, Mr Handyc.o.c.k went down to the cellar for a bottle of wine.

"O deary me!" exclaimed his wife, "he must have lost a mint of money--we had better go up stairs and leave him alone; he'll be better after a bottle of port, perhaps." I was very glad to go away, and being very tired, I went to bed without any tea, for Mrs Handyc.o.c.k dared not venture to make it before her husband came up stairs.

Chapter II

Fitting out on the shortest notice--Fortunately for me, this day Mr Handyc.o.c.k is a bear, and I fare very well--I set off for Portsmouth-- Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast--He is disguised with liquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with in my journey.

The next morning Mr Handyc.o.c.k appeared to be in somewhat better humour.

One of the linendrapers who fitted out cadets, &c, "on the shortest notice," was sent for, and orders given for my equipment, which Mr Handyc.o.c.k insisted should be ready on the day afterwards, or the articles would be left on his hands; adding, that my place was already taken in the Portsmouth coach.

"Really, sir," observed the man, "I'm afraid--on such very short notice--"

"Your card says, 'the shortest notice,'" rejoined Mr Handyc.o.c.k, with the confidence and authority of a man who is enabled to correct another by his own a.s.sertions. "If you do not choose to undertake the work, another will."

This silenced the man, who made his promise, took my measure, and departed; and soon afterwards Mr Handyc.o.c.k also quitted the house.

What with my grandfather and the parrot, and Mrs Handyc.o.c.k wondering how much money her husband had lost, running to the head of the stairs and talking to the cook, the day pa.s.sed away pretty well till four o'clock; when, as before, Mrs Handyc.o.c.k screamed, the cook screamed, the parrot screamed, and Mr Handyc.o.c.k rapped at the door, and was let in--but not by me. He ascended the stair swith [sic] three bounds, and coming into the parlour, cried, "Well, Nancy, my love, how are you?" Then stooping over her, "Give me a kiss, old girl. I'm as hungry as a hunter. Mr Simple, how do you do? I hope you have pa.s.sed the morning agreeably. I must wash my hands and change my boots, my love; I am not fit to sit down to table with you in this pickle. Well, Polly, how are you?"

"I'm glad you're hungry, my dear, I've such a nice dinner for you,"

replied the wife, all smiles. "Jemima, be quick and dish up--Mr Handyc.o.c.k is so hungry."

"Yes, marm," replied the cook; and Mrs Handyc.o.c.k followed her husband into his bedroom on the same floor, to a.s.sist him at his toilet.

"By Jove, Nancy, the _bulls_ have been nicely taken in," said Mr Handyc.o.c.k, as we sat down to dinner.

"O, I am so glad!" replied his wife, giggling; and so I believe she was, but why I did not understand.

"Mr Simple," said he, "will you allow me to offer you a little fish?"

"If you do not want it all yourself, sir," replied I politely.

Mrs Handyc.o.c.k frowned and shook her head at me, while her husband helped me. "My dove, a bit of fish?"

We both had our share to-day, and I never saw a man more polite than Mr Handyc.o.c.k. He joked with his wife, asked me to drink wine with him two or three times, talked about my grandfather; and, in short, we had a very pleasant evening.

The next morning all my clothes came home, but Mr Handyc.o.c.k, who still continued in good humour, said that he would not allow me to travel by night, that I should sleep there and set off the next morning; which I did at six o'clock, and before eight I had arrived at the Elephant and Castle, where we stopped for a quarter of an hour. I was looking at the painting representing this animal with a castle on its back; and a.s.suming that of Alnwick, which I had seen, as a fair estimate of the size and weight of that which he carried, was attempting to enlarge my ideas so as to comprehend the stupendous bulk of the elephant, when I observed a crowd a.s.sembled at the corner; and asking a gentleman who sat by me in a plaid cloak, whether there was not something very uncommon to attract so many people, he replied, "Not very, for it is only a drunken sailor."

I rose from my seat, which was on the hinder part of the coach, that I might see him, for it was a new sight to me, and excited my curiosity, when to my astonishment, he staggered from the crowd, and swore that he'd go to Portsmouth. He climbed up by the wheel of the coach, and sat down by me. I believe that I stared at him very much, for he said to me, "What are you gaping at, you young sculping? Do you want to catch flies?

or did you never see a chap half-seas-over before?"

I replied, "That I had never been at sea in my life, but that I was going."

"Well, then, you're like a young bear, all your sorrows to come--that's all, my hearty," replied he. "When you get on board, you'll find monkey's allowance--more kicks than half-pence. I say, you pewter-carrier, bring us another pint of ale."

The waiter of the inn, who was attending the coach, brought out the ale, half of which the sailor drank, and the other half threw into the waiter's face, telling him that was his "allowance: and now," said he, "what's to pay?" The waiter, who looked very angry, but appeared too much afraid of the sailor to say anything, answered fourpence; and the sailor pulled out a handful of banknotes, mixed up with gold, silver, and coppers, and was picking out the money to pay for his beer, when the coachman, who was impatient, drove off.

"There's cut and run," cried the sailor, thrusting all the money into his breeches pocket. "That's what you'll learn to do, my joker, before you've been two cruises to sea."

In the meantime the gentleman in the plaid cloak, who was seated by me, smoked his cigar without saying a word. I commenced a conversation with him relative to my profession, and asked him whether it was not very difficult to learn. "Larn," cried the sailor, interrupting us, "no; it may be difficult for such chaps as me before the mast to larn; but you, I presume, is a reefer, and they an't got much to larn, 'cause why, they pipe-clays their weekly accounts, and walks up and down with their hands in their pockets. You must larn to chaw baccy, drink grog, and call the cat a beggar, and then you knows all a midshipman's expected to know nowadays. Ar'n't I right, sir?" said the sailor, appealing to the gentleman in a plaid cloak. "I axes you, because I see you're a sailor by the cut of your jib. Beg pardon, sir," continued he, touching his hat, "hope no offence."

"I am afraid that you have nearly hit the mark, my good fellow," replied the gentleman.

The drunken fellow then entered into conversation with him, stating that he had been paid off from the _Audacious_ at Portsmouth, and had come up to London to spend his money with his messmates, but that yesterday he had discovered that a Jew at Portsmouth had sold him a seal as gold, for fifteen shillings, which proved to be copper, and that he was going back to Portsmouth to give the Jew a couple of black eyes for his rascality, and that when he had done that he was to return to his messmates, who had promised to drink success to the expedition at the c.o.c.k and Bottle, St Martin's Lane, until he should return.

The gentleman in the plaid cloak commended him very much for his resolution; for he said, "that although the journey to and from Portsmouth would cost twice the value of a gold seal, yet, that in the end it might be worth a _Jew's Eye_." What he meant I did not comprehend.

Whenever the coach stopped, the sailor called for more ale, and always threw the remainder which he could not drink into the face of the man who brought it out for him, just as the coach was starting off, and then tossed the pewter pot on the ground for him to pick up. He became more tipsy every stage, and the last from Portsmouth, when he pulled out his money, he could find no silver, so he handed down a note, and desired the waiter to change it. The waiter crumpled it up and put it into his pocket, and then returned the sailor the change for a one-pound note; but the gentleman in the plaid had observed that it was a five-pound note which the sailor had given, and insisted upon the waiter producing it, and giving the proper change. The sailor took his money, which the waiter handed to him, begging pardon for the mistake, although he coloured up very much at being detected. "I really beg your pardon,"

said he again, "it was quite a mistake;" whereupon the sailor threw the pewter pot at the waiter, saying, "I really beg your pardon, too,"--and with such force, that it flattened upon the man's head, who fell senseless on the road. The coachman drove off, and I never heard whether the man was killed or not.

After the coach had driven off, the sailor eyed the gentleman in the plaid cloak for a minute or two, and then said, "When I first looked at you I took you for some officer in mufti; but now that I see you look so sharp after the rhino, it's my idea that you're some poor devil of a Scotchman, mayhap second mate of a marchant vessel--there's half a crown for your services--I'd give you more if I thought you would spend it."