Oz Reimagined Part 23

"Why?" asked Frank.

"Because we just let the mechanical man go, so I'll never be able to ask him again."

"But you have his answer."

"I have today's answer," said Theodora. "Do you think I haven't asked him before?"

"Have you ever let him out of his box before?" asked Frank.

"If I had, do you think he would still have been here?"

"So maybe this time he told you the truth," said Frank.

"I hope so," said Theodora, "because I've been coming here for years. Twice I was captured by winged monkeys. Once a wicked witch screamed at me. Once I was attacked by angry trees. This is not a reliable world."

"What did the wicked witch scream?"

"She screamed. There weren't any words."

"Then how do you know she's wicked?"

"Because she was even uglier and meaner-looking than Auntie Bess," said Theodora. "That's my standard. One inch uglier, plus the screaming, and I know you're wicked."

"How much ugly is there in an inch of it?" asked Frank. "I never knew it could be measured."

"Is your mother ugly?" asked Theodora.

"Not at all. She's mostly pretty."

"But not entirely."

"Very close."

"Let's say she's three inches away from totally pretty. Auntie Bess is one inch away from purity of ugliness. You do the arithmetic."

Frank wasn't very sure of his arithmetica"he had learned his numbers, plus adding and subtracting very small numbers, without borrowing or carrying, though he'd heard of such operations. It was all very mysterious, so he decided to take her word for it.

They walked into very deep woods. The road stayed yellow, but under the shade the yellow wasn't half so bright, and as they climbed higher and higher, it became more and more autumnal, and more fallen leaves were strewn and blown across the road. Also Frank was quite sure he heard a distant roaring sound from time to time. Each time it sounded less distant.

"Do you hear that?" he finally asked.

"It's only a lion."

"A lion from the carnival?" asked Frank.

"Do I look like Queen of the Lion Tribe?" asked Theodora.

"You know more than I do," said Frank.

"And don't you forget it," said Theodora.

The roaring got very close, until at last it was right in front of them, in the form of a very large lion. Frank could easily imagine his whole head fitting inside its mouth, with room left over for two mice and a toothpick.

"So you finally got here," said Theodora.

The lion roared very fiercely and moved closer. s...o...b..r dribbled from its mouth.

Theodora reached out with the hem of her dress and wiped the lip. Frank expected her hand to disappear, but the lion did not bite.

"What was that about?" asked Frank.

"I think it's so untidy for him to be letting spittle drip all over the road," said Theodora. "Somebody might slip on that and hurt himself."

The lion gave the fiercest roar of all, and then snapped its jaws down on their held hands.

Theodora at once kicked the lion in the throat. Its mouth flew open, and the animal made gagging noises as it backed away.

"Is kicking a lion really a good idea?" asked Frank.

"I don't know," said Theodora. "But I do know that biting off our hands would be a very bad idea."

"I wasn't going to bite off your stupid nasty hands," said the lion. Its voice rasped as if it were trying to cough up a hairball. "I was just tasting."

"Well, you got your nasty spit all over our hands, and because we can't let go of each other we can't even wash it off," said Theodora.

Frank was beginning to get the idea that either Theodora was always rude to everyone, or she was rude to everyone in the Empire of the Air.

"Since you're the first talking creature we met since we left the mechanical man at the carnival," said Theodora, "I expect you to be able to tell me: Where did the crow take my mother's ring?"

"Funny you should ask," said the lion. "I ate the crow and p.o.o.ped out the ring three days ago."

"The crow took my mother's ring three years ago."

"And you think I can remember?"

"I think you'd better tell me instead of playing dumb," said Theodora.

"Maybe he's not playing," said Frank.

"Do you want me to bite off your head?" asked the lion. "I could, you know."

Frank did not doubt it.

Theodora kicked the lion in the throat again. This time the coughing and choking and gagging went on even longer. "What was that for?"

"For threatening my friend and for not answering my question."

"I did answer it," said the lion.

"With a lie, so that doesn't count."

"How do you know I was lying?" asked the lion.

"Because you couldn't eat it and p.o.o.p it out. It's filled with my mother's love. It would have burned a hole right through you and you'd be p.o.o.ping out of everywhere, like all the holes in a sponge."

"That is such an unpleasant image," said the lion.

"My mother said that ring had all her love in it, and it was supposed to come to the person who needed it most, and that was me. But a crow from the air stole it right off the table beside her bed, and in that very moment she died," said Theodora. "So you know that ring could not have pa.s.sed by you and you not see it."

"I was asleep."

"I'll put you to sleep, you bag of hair."

"I'll ask around and see if one of the other woodland beasts has seen it," said the lion. "I'm king here, you know. They all obey me."

"n.o.body obeys you," said Theodora. "Because you're a liar and clearly you're afraid of the crows and don't want to get caught telling their secrets." She gestured with a shoulder toward a nearby tree, where there was indeed a crow perched on a low branch.

"I'm not afraid of crows," said the lion. But Frank had seen him jump a little when he saw the crow. What with Theodora kicking him in the throat and him being scared of crows, Frank was reaching some unfortunate preliminary conclusions about the amount of the lion's courage, and whether it existed at all.

"How many inches from a coward is this lion?" asked Frank softly.

"No inches," said Theodora. "He's obviously a carnival lion. Look at the scars on his behind. He was trained to the whip. He's a beaten lion."

The lion burst into tears. "He waved a chair at me," he wailed.

"I'll wave more than a chair at you," said Theodora. "Where is my mother's ring?"

"The crow would have taken it to the Emperor of the Air," said the lion. "Where else?"

"How would I know?" asked Theodora. "I've never been a crow, and I'm not from around here."

"That's where everything shiny and beautiful and strong gets taken, so where did you think?"

"I thought maybe the witch. Or the crow's nest."

"First, it's not really a crow, it's a raven. And the ravens are his agents. He sends them out into the world to watch. You are a very young and ignorant child, if you don't know that."

Theodora turned to Frank. "I bet the scarecrow and the mechanical man both knew that."

"I bet you didn't ask them where the crow would take the ring, did you," said the lion.

"They knew what I wanted," said Theodora.

"They knew what you asked," said the lion. "I bet you asked which way the crow went."

"All right, take us there," said Theodora.

"Where?"

"To the Emperor of the Air," said Theodora.

"He's the Emperor of the Air," said the lion. "How would I know where he is?"

"The raven knew," she said.

"He can fly. Do you see any wings here?"

Theodora kicked the lion in the throat for the third time. This time his legs collapsed under him and he splayed out on the road, coughing feebly. Finally he whispered, "I'm going to get angry very soon now."

"You're going to take us to the Emperor of the Air."

"I told you that Ia""

"You asked me how would you know where he is," said Theodora. "But you didn't say that you don't know. If you didn't know, you would have said so." She turned to Frank. "I believe that in the Empire of the Air, n.o.body can actually lie straight out. But they're very good at dodging."

"Not good enough," coughed the lion.

"Take us there," said Theodora.

"He doesn't want to see you," said the lion.

"Did he tell you that this very morning?" asked Theodora.

"It's a general principle," said the lion.

"He'll see me because he has something that belongs to me and I want it back and he's a good emperor!"

"Who told you that?" asked the lion.

"You see?" said Theodora to Frank. "A question, not an answer. If he really wasn't a good emperor, the lion would have said so."

"I hate you even more than the mechanical man loves you," said the lion.

"By the power of my mother's ring, I command you to take me."

"When you grow up," said the lion to Frank, "do not marry this girl. I can promise you, she's a future witch."

"I'm not going to marry her!" said Frank. "She's nine and I'm six."

"I'm not a future witch," said Theodora. "I'm a witch now."

"The question is, are you a good witch or a bad witch?" asked the lion.

"I'm the witch who asked you where I can find the Emperor of the Air," said Theodora. "It's up to you whether I'm good or bad."

"You're already bad," said the lion.

"But I can get worse," said Theodora. "Or better. You pick."