Over Hill And Dale Part 22

"Bill!" cried the Head of the Food Technology Department in a plaintive voice. "Why do you look at me like that?"

The Head of PE glowered, curled his top lip, shook his cudgel menacingly and moved towards his victim. The dog snarled, as if on cue. "It's dark 'ere under the arches, aint it, Nancy, my gel, but there's light enough for wot I got to do."

"Whadaya mean, Bill?"

"You've opened them pretty red lips of yours, Nancy, once too often but you'll not be opening 'em again .. . he ver He then gave a great tug on the piece of rope attached to the dog. Bullseye had planted his bow legs firmly on the boards, however and did not move an inch.

"Come on, Bullseye!" commanded the Head of PE in a voice as rough as gravel and gave the rope another great tug. The dog lifted its fat, round head slightly and fixed him with its cold b.u.t.ton eyes. Then it shot like a cannonball straight for him, snarling and slavering.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l!" shrieked the Head of PE and, dropping his cudgel, shot offstage right, leaving the dog centre stage and Nancy frozen at the other side. The animal eyed her viciously and began to move slowly in her direction. The conductor, with great presence of mind, took charge of the situation and, tapping his baton on his music stand, led the orchestra into a reprise of'As Long As He Needs Me'. The Head of the Food Technology Department, in a frightened little voice, quavered the song to a hushed audience. The dog ambled across the stage, surveyed her for a moment, growled and then displayed his magnificent set of teeth.

There was a voice offstage. "Here, Daisy, here, girl! Daisy, come on, Daisy, here, girl!" The dog remained rooted to the spot, snarling and snapping its jaws. The Head of the Food Technology Department stopped singing and, terrified, stared at the beast as it edged closer.

"This is no b.l.o.o.d.y good at all!" Lord Marrick said loudly, rising to his feet. He strode to the side of the stage, mounted the steps, skirted round the trembling Nancy and took hold of the dog's collar. "Now then, Daisy!" he commanded staring down into the animal's shimmering eyes. "Sit! Down!" The dog returned the gaze for a moment, then flopped flat to the floor. "Come to heel!" ordered Lord Marrick. The dog scrabbled to its feet obediently and was led offstage to loud, appreciative clapping. A rather shame-faced Bill Sikes reappeared, quickly despatched Nancy by strangulation and made an embarra.s.sed exit.

"Well, that were a rum do," observed Councillor Peterson, scratching his head as we headed for the exit at the end of the performance.

"They just need to know who's the master," said Lord Marrick, looking pretty pleased with himself.

Following the play, Christine and I went out to dinner in Fettlesham. By the time we reached the restaurant we were both in high spirits. Re-living the play's unusual climax, we laughed until we cried. Over coffee, I looked across the table at her. She looked so beautiful. Perhaps this was the moment to tell her that I had fallen for her in a big way.

"Gervase," she said suddenly, 'there's something I feel I have to tell you."

"Oh," I said. This sounded horribly ominous.

"Well, it's rather embarra.s.sing, but I really do have to tell you."

"What?" My heart sank. She was going to tell me she did not want to see me again, that she was not prepared to share me with Gerry, that she'd heard about office affairs, that there were other fish in the sea, that she had met someone else. "What?" I asked again. "What is it?"

"Well," she paused and glanced away from my piercing gaze. It looked to me as if there was a slight smile on her lips. "It's really very difficult but someone has to tell you."

"Tell me, tell me," I insisted.

"Now it's not something you should feel at all ashamed about."

"For goodness sake, Christine, put me out of my misery."

"It is quite embarra.s.sing but'

"Christine! Will you tell me?"

"You have some little lodgers."

"Lodgers?" I was utterly perplexed.

"In your hair."

"In my hair?"

"Please stop repeating me," she said. "It's difficult enough as it is." She took a deep breath before whispering, "You've got nits."

"Nits!" I cried. Several heads turned in our direction.

"You've been, um, scratching all night. It's quite common for those who work with children to get head lice. You've probably been in a school where a child has them. I see lots of cases. Now, tomorrow you must go straight to the chemist and get some medicated shampoo and a very thin metal comb."

"Yes, miss," I said quietly. "Is there anything else you wish to tell me?"

"Well, I think you're free of scabies," she replied laughing.

"Will you still go out with me?"

"When you have got rid of the little lodgers," she said smiling warmly.

I was outside the chemist's bright and early the next morning. While I waited for the shop to open, I considered where I might have picked up the nasty nits. It could not have been from my first visit to Ugglemattersby School because that had been over a month before. However, I had recently paid the school a second visit and now remembered that the self-same Mandy Wilmott had been scratching away at her wild and woolly hair when I had sat in on her cla.s.s to see if any improvements had been made.

A young woman in a bright white nylon overall opened the door at nine o'clock, and smiled at me as I entered. This is oh so embarra.s.sing, I thought to myself.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked brightly.

"Yes, I'd like .. . something .. . for .. . for .. ."

She detected my embarra.s.sment. "Something for the . weekend?"

"No, no!" I exclaimed. "I'd like .. . er .. ."

"Would you prefer a male a.s.sistant to help you, sir?"

"Pardon?"

"Is the item you wish to purchase of a personal and intimate nature? Would you prefer the manager to serve you?" She smiled knowingly.

"Oh, well yes, it is of a personal nature. I want something for lice."

"Is that for head lice?" she asked.

"Oh yes, definitely head lice."

"Right," she said and dipped down behind the counter. "There's this very good shampoo and you need a fine metal comb as well. Is it for your little girl? Long hair often proves very attractive." I nodded. "Poor thing. You need to put plenty of conditioner on her hair and comb it thoroughly when it's wet. Nits can't stick to hair with conditioner on."

"I see."

"Is there anything else?"

"No, no, that's all," I said, paying for the items before beating a hasty retreat.

Most of the weekend was spent washing and showering and scrubbing and combing and by Monday my visitors had gone. I arrived at the office to find my colleagues in very high spirits.

"I could hear the noise from the bottom of the stairs," I said as I entered.

"You sound just like Mrs. Savage," Sidney told me with tears in his eyes, and that set everybody off into paroxysms of laughter.

"Don't come in!" shouted David. "Stay at the door."

"Oh no, no, you can't come in yet, Gervase," commanded Sidney.

"Whatever is going on?" I asked from the doorway.

"Oh, do tell him, Sidney!" cried David. "Do tell him!"

"Tell me what?" I demanded.

"They couldn't have found a more deserving home," chuckled David.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, getting irritated.

"For goodness sake, let him in," said Harold.

"I think you should tell him, David, and savour the moment," said Sidney.

There was a great gasping in-drawing of breath and then David, trying to keep a straight face, announced: "Mrs. Savage has got nits!"

"What?" I cried.

"She sent over one of her bits of coloured paper this morning," explained Julie with smears of mascara down her cheeks.

"Known from this day on as Form NIT i," said David. "And on it she says '

"No! No, wait a minute, let me read it!" cried Sidney, plucking a pink sheet of paper from his in-tray. Then he read the memo in a mock-serious tone. "Members of staff should note that there has been an outbreak of head lice in the Education Department at County Hall. Employees should take the necessary precautions, check their hair and scalp and, should they discover any infestation, remain off work, use the appropriate medicated hair treatment from a chemist and only return to duty when clear. Head lice, Pedicus hum a.n.u.s are small insects and feed by sucking blood through the scalp." Julie, will you stop laughing, I'm trying to read this. "Lice find it difficult to escape wet hair when combed because it is slippery and they can't get a grip so "' By now everyone was bent double in paroxysms of laughter. "Oh, I give up!" roared Sidney.

"Julie phoned Mavis on the main switchboard," spluttered David, 'and found out that Mrs. Savage has been infested along with most of the top corridor. Everyone reckons she's the carrier. She was seen scratching her way into the CEO's room first thing this morning. Evidently Dr. Gore has now banished her until she's got rid of them."

"I do think you are all being a little unkind to Mrs. Savage," said Harold, attempting to suppress his laughter. "I'm sure that she is not as bad as she is painted. She can be quite charming and it can't be nice to have lice."

"I must remember that little phrase the next time she comes over here with her silly bits of paper," said David. "It can't be nice to have lice."

"And before you can enter here, dear boy," said Sidney to me, holding up his hand like a crossing patrol warden, 'you have to be thoroughly checked. We have our own resident expert on insects, mini beasts parasites and wildlife. I give you Dr. Geraldine Mullarkey."

Gerry jumped up from her desk, directed me to a chair, tilted back my head and peered at my scalp. She moved a few strands of hair with her long fingers. "All clear," she announced. "Cleanest hair I've seen in months."

"Ah, Gervase," sighed Sidney, leaning back in his chair and putting his hands behind his head. "What a way to start the week to have a beautiful young woman run her soft fingers through your hair. It's worth having nits for."

I turned very very red and prayed that my colleagues would think the blush emanated from being so close to the enchanting Dr. Mullarkey rather than for the real reason. As I fiddled with some papers on my desk, I recalled that in the middle of the previous week I had been across to the Annexe to discuss my second visit to Ugglemattersby with Dr. Gore and that I had had to wait for some time in Mrs. Savage's office until he could see me. I now had a very nasty suspicion that I had been the original carrier of the little lodgers to the top floor.

There was a sharp rap on the gla.s.s. A large, round, red-faced policeman peered into the car and gestured for me to wind down the window.

"May I help you, officer?" I asked.

"Yes, sir, I think you can," was the reply. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Pardon?" I was quite taken aback by the sharpness of his manner.

"I asked you what exactly are you doing?"

"Nothing," I replied. Help! Was my tax disc out of date or were my tyres worn down to an illegal state? "Is there something wrong?"

"We have had a number of calls from several concerned residents in this vicinity, and from a teacher reporting a suspicious-looking character parked outside the school and watching the children as they enter. And, furthermore," he emphasised the words, 'making notes in a black book."

"Oh, I see." I sighed with relief. "I can explain."

"I hope you can, sir. Would you mind stepping out of the car?"

"Yes, yes, of course."

"I have been observing you for the last five minutes and your behaviour does give rise to a number of questions." He took out his notebook and flicked it open. "Now, sir .. ."

"I'm a school inspector," I explained.

"I see," he said, looking decidedly unconvinced. "School inspector." He wrote it down. "And you have some means of identification, do you, sir?"

"Of course," I replied, reaching for my wallet and producing my County Hall ident.i.ty card which was promptly plucked from my hand. He then carefully scrutinized the photograph, looked earnestly at me, copied down the details and snapped the book shut.

"Is everything in order, officer?" I asked.

"It appears to be, sir, but if I may say so, it is unwise to sit outside a school watching the children go in and out. It does lend itself to speculation. Much better to go in and make your presence known to the Headteacher."

"Yes, officer, quite right," I answered sheepishly. "It won't happen again. It's just that I arrived rather early for my appointment. I shall, of course, take your advice in future. It just never occurred to me." The policeman nodded seriously but made no effort to move. "So, if that's all?"

"I'll accompany you on to the premises, sir, if I may."

So I was escorted across the road, down the school path and to the entrance of Tupton Road Primary School, watched with interest by a.s.sorted children, a gaggle of whispering parents and a large, solemn-faced crossing patrol warden who held her stop! children crossing! sign like some Wagnerian operatic heroine wielding a spear.

I was greeted at the door of the school by a lean middle-aged woman with a pale, indrawn face. Behind her stood her small, nervous-looking companion who clutched an umbrella like a defensive weapon. The taller of the two had large dark eyes which looked even darker nestling as they were in heavy black make-up. The pale face and black eyes gave her the appearance of a rac.o.o.n.

"Is there something wrong, officer?" she exclaimed.

"Are you the Headteacher?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am," she replied in an anxious voice. "Mrs. Daphne Wilson. Has there been an accident?"

The policeman ignored the question. "Do you know this gentleman, madam?"

"Never seen him before in my life," she said, staring intently at me.

"He was the man in the car outside the school, Mrs. Wilson. The one I telephoned the police about," added the small woman with the umbrella.

"Oh, was he?" said the Headteacher.

My heart sank. The school secretary emerged from her office and scrutinized me as if trying to put a name to a familiar face. A moment later the caretaker appeared from the school hall, armed with a sweeping brush, and glared at me as if I had walked across his wet floor. "I'm Gervase Phinn!" I announced to the knot of observers. "The school inspector." My audience continued to gape. "From the Education Office in Fettlesham. I have an appointment."