Our Deportment Part 9

Compliments which are not sincere, are only flattery and should be avoided; but the saying of kind things, which is natural to the kind heart, and which confers pleasure, should be cultivated, at least not suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the best mode of training their children are said to have found that it is never wise to censure them for a fault, without preparing the way by some judicious mention of their good qualities.

SLANG.

All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any manner witty. Only the very young or the uncultivated so consider it.

FLATTERY.

Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of those richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar, and born of rudeness, and is sure to be received as emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your respect, your admiration, and your grat.i.tude by deeds more than words. Words are easy but deeds are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the latter will carry confirmation with them.

SCANDAL AND GOSSIP.

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vulgarities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests. A writer on this subject says: "Gossip is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from its den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage; gossip of contempt." Those who best understand the nature of gossip and slander, if the victims of both, will take no notice of the former, but will allow no slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon their children. No woman can be too sensitive as to any charges affecting her moral character, whether in the influence of her companionship, or in the influence of her writings.

RELIGION AND POLITICS.

Religion and politics are topics that should never be introduced into general conversation, for they are subjects dangerous to harmony.

Persons are most likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their tempers on these topics. Long arguments in general company, however entertaining to the disputants, are very tiresome to the hearers.

SATIRE AND RIDICULE.

Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing or ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be worth the consideration of others should have the advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated people are not in the habit of resorting to such weapons as satire and ridicule. They find too much to correct in themselves to indulge in coa.r.s.e censure of the conduct of others, who may not have had advantages equal to their own.

t.i.tLES.

In addressing persons with t.i.tles always add the name; as "what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes?" not "what do you think of it, Doctor?" In speaking of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is observed. No matter what the t.i.tle of a Frenchman is, he is always addressed as _Monsieur_, and you never omit the word _Madame_, whether addressing a d.u.c.h.ess or a dressmaker. The former is "_Madame la d.u.c.h.esse_," the latter plain "_Madame_." Always give a foreigner his t.i.tle. If General Sherman travels in Europe and is received by the best cla.s.ses with the dignity that his worth, culture and position as an American general demand, he will never be called Mr. Sherman, but his t.i.tle will invariably precede his name. There are persons who fancy that the omission of the t.i.tle is annoying to the party who possesses it, but this is not the ground taken why the t.i.tle should be given, but because it reveals either ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting it.

CHRISTIAN NAMES.

There is a cla.s.s of persons, who from ignorance of the customs of good society, or from carelessness, speak of persons by their Christian names, who are neither relations nor intimate friends. This is a familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and beyond friends of the closest intimacy, is never indulged in by the well-bred.

INTERRUPTION.

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good-breeding. It has been aptly said that if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his progress.

ADAPTABILITY IN CONVERSATION.

The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation, as skillfully as may be, to your company. Some men make a point of talking commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler.

Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted, and in which few, if any, are ever interested. A woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary education by the other. If you really wish to be thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, unselfish and even well-informed, you should lead the way, in _tete-a-tete_ conversations, for sportsmen to talk of their shooting, a mother to talk of her children, a traveler of his journeys and the countries he has visited, a young lady of her last ball and the prospective ones, an artist of his picture and an author of his book. To show any interest in the immediate concerns of people is very complimentary, and when not in general society one is privileged to do this. People take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else you can name, and if you manifest an interest to hear, there are but few who will not sustain conversation by a narration of their affairs in some form or another. Thackeray says: "Be interested by other people and by their affairs. It is because you yourself are selfish that that other person's self does not interest you."

CORRECT USE OF WORDS.

The correct use of words is indispensable to a good talker who would escape the unfavorable criticism of an educated listener. There are many words and phrases, used in some cases by persons who have known better, but who have become careless from a.s.sociation with others who make constant use of them. "Because that" and "but that" should never be used in connection, the word "that" being entirely superfluous. The word "vocation" is often used for "avocation." "Unhealthy" food is spoken of when it should be "unwholesome." "Had not ought to" is sometimes heard for "ought not to;" "banister" for "bal.u.s.ter;" "handsful" and "spoonsful" for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was him" for "it was he;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom do you think was there?" for "who do you think was there?"; "a mutual friend" for "a common friend;" "like I did" instead of "as I did;" "those sort of things" instead of "this sort of things;" "laying down" for "lying down;" "setting on a chair"

for "sitting on a chair;" "try and make him" instead of "try to make him;" "she looked charmingly" for "she looked charming;" "loan" for "lend;" "to get along" instead of "to get on;" "cupalo" instead of "cupola;" "who" for "whom"--as, "who did you see" for "whom did you see;" double negatives, as, "he did not do neither of those things;"

"lesser" for "least;" "move" instead of "remove;" "off-set" instead of "set-off," and many other words which are often carelessly used by those who have been better taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of their proper use.

SPEAKING ONE'S MIND.

Certain honest but unthinking people often commit the grievous mistake of "speaking their mind" on all occasions and under all circ.u.mstances, and oftentimes to the great mortification of their hearers. And especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give offense to any of them. A little reflection ought to show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains us from inflicting bodily injury upon those with whom we disagree, yet there is no legal preventive against this wounding of the feeling of others.

UNWISE EXPRESSION OF OPINION.

Another cla.s.s of people, actuated by the best of intentions, seem to consider it a duty to parade their opinions upon all occasions, and in all places without reflecting that the highest truth will suffer from an unwise and over-zealous advocacy. Civility requires that we give to the opinions of others the same toleration that we exact for our own, and good sense should cause us to remember that we are never likely to convert a person to our views when we begin by violating his notions of propriety and exciting his prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is always better than an indiscreet one.

PROFANITY.

No gentleman uses profane language. It is unnecessary to add that no gentleman will use profane language in the presence of a lady. For profanity there is no excuse. It is a low and paltry habit, acquired from a.s.sociation with low and paltry spirits, who possess no sense of honor, no regard for decency and no reverence or respect for beings of a higher moral or religious nature than themselves. The man who habitually uses profane language, lowers his moral tone with every oath he utters.

Moreover, the silliness of the practice, if no other reason, should prevent its use by every man of good sense.

PUBLIC MENTION OF PRIVATE MATTERS.

Do not parade merely private matters before a public or mixed a.s.sembly or to acquaintances. If strangers really wish to become informed about you or your affairs, they will find the means to gratify their curiosity without your advising them gratuitously. Besides, personal and family affairs, no matter how interesting they may be to the parties immediately concerned, are generally of little moment to outsiders.

Still less will the well-bred person inquire into or narrate the private affairs of any other family or individual.

OSTENTATIOUS DISPLAY OF KNOWLEDGE.

In refined and intelligent society one should always display himself at his best, and make a proper and legitimate use of all such acquirements as he may happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious or pedantic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, such a show subjects the person to ridicule.

PRUDERY.

Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not use the word "limb"

for "leg." If legs are really improper, then let us, on no account, mention them. But having found it necessary to mention them, let us by all means give them their appropriate name.

DOUBLE ENTENDRES.

No person of decency, still less of delicacy, will be guilty of _double entendre_. A well-bred person always refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree called for by such interpretation, and no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe rebuke at a _double entendre_ is only second in indelicacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since both must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to let it pa.s.s unrecognized.

INDELICATE WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS.

Not so when one hears an indelicate word or expression, which allows of no possible harmless interpretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should flit across the lips. Either complete silence should be preserved in return, or the words, "I do not understand you," be spoken. A lady will always fail to hear that which she should not hear, or, having unmistakably heard, she will not understand.