Our Deportment Part 13

Never express a preference for any dish or any particular portion of a fowl or of meat, unless requested to do so, and then answer promptly, that no time may be wasted in serving you and others after you.

DUTIES OF HOSTESS AND HOST.

Tact and self-possession are demanded of the hostess, in order that she may perform her duties agreeably, which are not onerous. She should instruct her servants not to remove her plate until her guests have finished. If she speaks of any omission by which her servants have inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her.

No accident must disturb her; no disappointment embarra.s.s her. If her precious china and her rare gla.s.s are broken before her eyes, she must seem to take but little or no notice of it.

The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He should have ease and frankness of manner, a calmness of temper that nothing can ruffle, and a kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. He must encourage the timid, draw out the silent and direct conversation rather than sustain it himself.

No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should never seem to notice it to the annoyance of her guests. By pa.s.sing it over herself, it will very frequently escape the attention of others. If her guests arrive late, she should welcome them as cordially as if they had come early, but she will commit a rudeness to those who have arrived punctually, if she awaits dinner for tardy guests for more than the fifteen minutes of grace prescribed by custom.

RETIRING FROM THE TABLE.

When the hostess sees that all have finished, she looks at the lady who is sitting at the right of the host, and the company rise, and withdraw in the order they are seated, without precedence. After retiring to the drawing-room, the guests should intermingle in a social manner. It is expected that the guests will remain from one to three hours after dinner.

ACCEPTING HOSPITALITY A SIGN OF GOOD-WILL.

As eating with another under his own roof is in all conditions of society regarded as a sign of good-will, those who partake of proffered hospitalities, only to gossip about and abuse their host and hostess, should remember, that in the opinion of all honorable persons, they injure themselves by so doing.

CALLS AFTER A DINNER PARTY.

Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by all who have been invited, whether the invitation be accepted or not.

RETURNING HOSPITALITY.

Those who are in the habit of giving dinner parties should return the invitation before another is extended to them. Society is very severe upon those who do not return debts of hospitality, if they have the means to do so. If they never entertain anyone because of limited means, or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and it is not expected that they should make exceptions; or if they are in the habit of giving other entertainments and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment might be. Some are deterred from accepting invitations by the feeling that they cannot return the hospitality in so magnificent a form. It is not the costly preparations, nor the expensive repast offered which are the most agreeable features of any entertainment, but it is the kind and friendly feeling shown. Those who are not deterred from accepting such invitations for this reason, and who enjoy the fruits of friendliness thus shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty, and very little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling manifested, they fail to avail themselves of it. True hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires any return.

EXPENSIVE DINNERS NOT THE MOST ENJOYABLE.

It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner, it is indispensable to have certain dishes and a variety of wines, because others serve them.

Those who entertain frequently often use their own discretion, and never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners given are those which are least expensive. It is this mistaken feeling that people cannot entertain without committing all sorts of extravagances, which causes many persons, in every way well qualified to do incalculable good socially, to exclude themselves from all general society.

WINES AT DINNERS.

The _menu_ of a dinner party is by some not regarded as complete, unless it includes one or more varieties of wine. When used it is first served after soup, but any guest may, with propriety, decline being served.

This, however, must not be done ostentatiously. Simply say to the waiter, or whoever pours it, "not any; thank you." Wine, offered at a dinner party, should never be criticized, however poor it may be. A person who has partaken of wine, may also decline to have the gla.s.s filled again.

If the guests should include one or more people of well-known temperance principles, in deference to the scruples of these guests, wines or liquors should not be brought to the table. People who entertain should also be cautious as to serving wines at all. It is impossible to tell what harm you may do to some of your highly esteemed guests. It may be that your palatable wines may create an appet.i.te for the habitual use of wines or stronger alcoholic liquors; or you may renew a pa.s.sion long controlled and entombed; or you may turn a wavering will from a seemingly steadfast resolution to forever abstain. This is an age of reforms, the temperance reform being by no means the least powerful of these, and no ladies or gentlemen will be censured or misunderstood if they neglect to supply their dinner table with any kind of intoxicating liquor. Mrs. ex-President Hayes banished wines and liquors from her table, and an example set by the "first lady of the land" can be safely followed in every American household, whatever may have been former prevailing customs. It is safe to say that no "mistress of the White House" will ever set aside the temperance principles established by Mrs.

Hayes.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

CHAPTER X.

Table Manners and Etiquette.

It is of the highest importance that all persons should conduct themselves with the strictest regard to good breeding, even in the privacy of their own homes, when at table, a neglect of such observances will render one stiff and awkward in society. There are so many little points to be observed, that unless a person is habitually accustomed to observe them, he unconsciously commits some error, or will appear awkward and constrained upon occasions when it is important to be fully at ease. To be thoroughly at ease at such times is only acquired by the habitual practice of good manners at the table, and is the result of proper home training. It is the duty of parents to accustom their children, by example as well as by precept, to be attentive and polite to each other at every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear that they will be rude or awkward when they go abroad. Even when persons habitually eat alone, they should pay due regard to the rules of etiquette, for by so doing they form habits of ease and gracefulness which are requisite in refined circles; otherwise they speedily acquire rude and awkward habits which they cannot shake off without great difficulty, and which are at times embarra.s.sing to themselves and their friends. In private families it should be observed as a rule to meet together at all meals of the day around one common table, where the same rules of etiquette should be rigidly enforced, as though each member of the family were sitting at a stranger's table. It is only by this constant practice of the rules of good behaviour at home, that good manners become easy when any of them go abroad.

THE BREAKFAST.

At the first meal of the day, even in the most orderly households, an amount of freedom is allowed, which would be unjustifiable at any other meal. The head of the house may look over his morning paper, and the various other members may glance over correspondence or such books or studies as they are interested in. Each may rise and leave the table when business or pleasure dictates, without awaiting for the others or for a general signal.

The breakfast table should be simply decorated, yet it may be made very attractive with its snowy cloth and napkins, its array of gla.s.s, and its ornamentation of fruits and flowers. Bread should be placed upon the table, cut in slices. In eating, it must always be broken, never cut, and certainly not bitten. Fruit should be served in abundance at breakfast whenever practicable. There is an old adage which declares that "fruit is gold in the morning, silver at noon, and lead at night."

LUNCHEON.

In many of our large cities, where business prevents the head of the family from returning to dinner until a late hour, luncheon is served about midday and serves as an early dinner for children and servants.

There is much less formality in the serving of lunch than of dinner. It is all placed upon the table at once, whether it consists of one or more courses. Where only one or two are at luncheon, the repast is ordinarily served on a tray.

DINNER.

The private family dinner should be the social hour of the day. Then parents and children should meet together, and the meal should be of such length as to admit of the greatest sociality. It is an old saying that chatted food is half digested. The utmost good feeling should prevail among all. Business and domestic cares and troubles should be, for the time, forgotten, and the pleasures of home most heartily enjoyed. In another chapter we have spoken at length upon fashionable dinner parties.

THE KNIFE AND FORK.

The knife and fork were not made for playthings, and should not be used as such when people are waiting at the table for the food to be served.

Do not hold them erect in your hands at each side of your plate, nor cross them on your plate when you have finished, nor make a noise with them. The knife should only be used for cutting meats and hard substances, while the fork, held in the left hand, is used in carrying food into the mouth. A knife must never, on any account, be put into the mouth. When you send your plate to be refilled, do not send your knife and fork, but put them upon a piece of bread, or hold them in your hand.

GREEDINESS.

To put large pieces of food into your mouth appears greedy, and if you are addressed when your mouth is so filled, you are obliged to pause, before answering, until the vast mouthful is masticated, or run the risk of choking, by swallowing it too hastily. To eat very fast is also a mark of greediness, and should be avoided. The same may be said of soaking up gravy with bread, sc.r.a.ping up sauce with a spoon, sc.r.a.ping your plate and gormandizing upon one or two articles of food only.

GENERAL RULES ON TABLE ETIQUETTE.

Refrain from making a noise when eating, or supping from a spoon, and from smacking the lips or breathing heavily while masticating food, as they are marks of ill-breeding. The lips should be kept closed in eating as much as possible.

It is rude and awkward to elevate your elbows and move your arms at the table, so as to incommode those on either side of you.

Whenever one or both hands are unoccupied, they should be kept below the table, and not pushed upon the table and into prominence.

Do not leave the table before the rest of the family or guests, without asking the head, or host, to excuse you, except at a hotel or boarding house.

Tea or coffee should never be poured into a saucer to cool, but sipped from the cup.