Our American Cousin Part 8

Bin Make what?

Asa Vamose!

Bin Make vamose!

Asa Absquatulate.

Bin Ab-- what sir?

Asa Skedaddle.

Bin Skedaddle?

Asa Oh! get out.

Bin Oh! [Going.] If you are going to dress you'll want some ha.s.sistance.

Asa a.s.sistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, 'spose I do, what then?

Bin Just ring the bell, hi'll hattend you.

Asa All right, come along. [Binny going.] Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. [Binny hurries off, L. 1 E.] Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. [Opens table draw.] Here's a place will hold my plunder beautifully. [Sees bottle.] Hallo, what's this? [Comes down.] Something good to drink. [Smells bottle.] It smells awful bad. [Reads label.] Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a l.u.s.trous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. [Knock.] Come in.

Enter Binny, L. 1 E.

Bin Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord's hown man.

Asa Roll him in. [Binny beckons, enter Buddicombe.] Turkey c.o.c.k number two, what is it?

Bud My Lord Dundreary's compliments and _have_ you seen a small _bottle_ in the toilet table drawer?

Asa Suppose I had, what then?

Bud My lord wants it particly.

Asa Was it a small bottle?

Bud A small bottle.

Bin Bottle small.

Asa Blue label?

Bin Label blue.

Asa Red sealing wax on the top?

Bud Red sealing wax.

Bin Wax red.

Asa Nice little bottle?

Bin Little bottle nice.

Asa Wal, I ain't seen it. [Aside.] If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something.

Bud Sorry to trouble you, sir.

Bin [ Aside to Bud.] What his. .h.i.t?

Bud My lord's hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow.

[Exit in haste.]

Bin Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.

Asa [Aside.] So I've got my ring on that lord's nose, and if I don't make him dance to my tune it's a pity.

Bin Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir.

Asa Hain't you dropped something?

Bin Where?

Asa What do you mean by the harchery meeting?

Bin Where they shoot with bows and harrows.

Asa There goes another of them, oh! you need'nt look for them, you can't find 'em when you want 'em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That's the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint.

Bin Good gracious, he'd look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden.

[Exit Binny.]

Asa Wal, there's a queer lot of fixings. [Sees shower bath.] What on airth is that? Looks like a 'skeeter net, only it 'ain't long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I'd just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. [Calls.] Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. [Looks round room.] Where on airth is the bell? [Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down.] Murder! help!

fire! Water! I'm drown.

Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E. Binny, Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.

CURTAIN.

ACT II