Our American Cousin Part 5

Dun Now he thinks he's a horse. I've heard of a great jacka.s.s, and I dreampt of a jacka.s.s, but I don't believe there is any such insect.

Flo Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.

Asa Well, no, I can't say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn't find anything I wanted.

Flo What was it you couldn't find in your room?

Asa There as no soft soap.

De B Soft soap!

Aug Soft soap!

Ver Soft soap!

Mrs M Soft soap!

Flo Soft soap!

Geo [On sofa.] Soft soap!

Dun Thoft thoap?

Asa Yes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but I'm everlastingly dry.

Flo You'll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side-table.

Asa Wal, I don't know as I've got any appet.i.te. You see comin' along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausages--and--Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinner-time.

Dun Did that ill.u.s.trious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?

Asa I'm as dry as a sap-tree in August.

Binny [Throwing open, E. D.] Luncheon!

Asa [Goes hastily up to table.] Wal, I don't want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.

Flo Why, what's wrong, sir?

Asa Why, there's no mush!

Asa Nary slapjack.

Dun Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?

Asa No pork and beans!

Dun Pork's been here, but he's left.

Asa And where on airth's the clam chowder?

Dun Where _is_ clam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.

Asa [Drinks and spits.] Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.

All Fixins?

Flo What do you mean by fixins?

Asa Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful.

Flo Oh, I'll hurry up the fixins. What fun! [Exit, R.]

Dun Oh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.

Asa Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly.] Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table.

Oh! don't you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we'll be friends yet. [Vernon helps him with table to C.]

Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight gla.s.ses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.

Flo Here, cousin, are the fixins.

Asa That's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.

Dun [Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]

Flo Oh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.

Dun A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?

Asa Yes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what'll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?

Aug Oh, I want a Mint Julep.

De B Give me a Gin c.o.c.ktail.

Flo I'll take a Sherry Cobbler.

Ver Brandy Smash for me.

Mrs M Give me a Whiskey Skin.

Geo I'll take a Lemonade.

Dun Give me a Jersey Lightning.

Asa Give him a Jersey Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]