Only Series - Only Mine Part 13

The cup hit the sink with a metallic cry that was lost in the music of Calebas harmonica. A few silent strides brought Wolfe to the kitchen door. He stood in the shadows there, leaning against the door frame, watching Jessica with a hunger he could no longer hide. Her raspberry silk dress made her skin glow like fragile porcelain lit from within. The simple chignon Willow had taught Jessica to create emphasized the delicate lines of her face. Tendrils of hair escaped to lie in soft curves at her temples, nape, and ears.

Even as Wolfe felt anger snaking through his body at the sight of his wife burning like a candle flame in another manas arms, Wolfe reminded himself there was nothing improper about the waltz. Though Renoas unusual size made an intense contrast to Jessicaas fragile femininity, Reno was holding her properly, neither too close to his body nor too familiar in the placement of his hands. Nor was Jessica clinging too much. They were simply dipping and turning and skimming gracefully around the living room to the haunting melody played by Caleb.

Then the darkly handsome Reno smiled down at Jessica and began singing in his fine voice about aOne morning, one morning, one morning in Mayaa when a soldier spied a Scots la.s.s dreaming by a clear meadow stream. The soldieras manly charms quickly seduced the pretty girl, who pleaded for his arms and his name in marriage. The arms she received, and more besides, but not his name. He was already twice marrieda"once to the army, once to a woman. Though he was a stout man, he declared he wasnat up to the demands of yet another wife.

Renoas light green eyes shimmered with suppressed humor as he watched Jessica react to the wry lyrics. Her silver laughter bubbled up contagiously, drawing smiles and more laughter from everyone in the room.

Except Wolfe. He was too angry to smile. Seeing the change wrought by Reno on Jessicaas wan appearance made Wolfe feel murderous. The only thing that prevented him from going back into the other room and wrenching his wife from Renoas arms was the fact that Rafe was already there, cutting in neatly.

aMy turn, little brother.a aIam as big as you are,a Reno pointed out.

aYouare eleven months younger.a With an amused smile, Reno bowed to Jessica and released her to Rafeas arms.

aIam a little rusty,a Rafe admitted. aAustralians ran more to fighting and drinking than fancy footwork. I havenat danced with a lady in a long, long time.a aIam certain youall do fine. Anyone who walks, rides, and wields a bullwhip as well as you do has a lot of natural coordination.a aThanks, but maybe you better stand on my big feet just the same. Wildflowers arenat safe when an elephant dances.a Jessica ducked her head and tried not to giggle. It was impossible. Rafe towered over her, his gray eyes vivid with teasing laughter. Despite his warning, he danced well, whirling her easily around the room until she was breathless with laughter.

Unnoticed, Wolfe leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, watching with an impa.s.sive face and eyes that promised h.e.l.l.

Reno helped Willow to her feet and danced her carefully around the room, moving with half the speed of Rafe and Jessica. Caleb looked over his harmonica at his wife, winked, and slowed the music even more. She smiled back at him, but still couldnat last more than twice around the room. When Reno waltzed her past Calebas position on the couch, she let go of her brother and settled next to her husband. He pulled her closely against his body without breaking the rhythm of the dance.

Reno headed for Rafe and Jessica. Brother tapped brother firmly on the shoulder. Rafe winked at Jessica and spun her quickly, lifting her beyond Renoas reach. A moment later, Reno was back again.

aWait,a Jessica said, smiling equally at both brothers. aThereas a way we can all dance at the same time.a With a few words and gentle pushes, she arranged a brother on each side of her and held out her hands expectantly. On either side, a strong, big hand closed over hers. She looked from side to side, struck by the similarity in the shape of each brotheras hand. Though their hair and eye color were quite different, their blood relationship was clear in their strength and in the flat nails of their hands.

aNow, like this,a Jessica said. aStep right, cross over behind, dip, straighten, step rightaa Both men caught on quickly. Soon they were moving as one on either side of Jessica.

Wolfe stood in the doorway, staring at the woman who looked stunningly feminine caught between the two Moran brothers. Barely five feet two inches tall, she was thirteen inches shorter than either man, yet there was nothing childlike in the proportions of her body. The curves of breast and hip, waist and ankle, showed clearly against the soft folds of her dress as the cloth swirled fluidly with her movements.

Finally the waltz wound to a slow finish. Rafe and Reno smiled over Jessicaas auburn head. Both men lifted one of Jessicaas hands to their lips and kissed it. She curtsied deeply, graceful as flame. Though neither man spoke the thought aloud, it was clear from their expressions that they were thoroughly enchanted by their dance partner.

aAgain, Caleb,a Willow murmured. aThat tune is one of my favorites.a The strains of the waltz flowed through the room once more. A silent signal pa.s.sed between the brothers. Smiling, Rafe released Jessicaas hand and sat down.

Soon Reno and Jessica were swirling around the room again. Reno held his partner lightly, looking down at her with approving green eyes, singing in his fine voice. No one could hear Renoas words but Jessica, who flushed and then laughed with transparent pleasure. Reno spun quickly, taking Jessica with him, making her skirt billow like wind-blown flame. He stopped and dipped deeply, forcing her to depend upon his strength for her balance. When she accepted his lead without protest, his smile flashed, transforming his face, making him handsome enough to stop a womanas breath.

An icy rage gripped Wolfe.

When I touch her, she berates me as the viscountas savage, yet when Reno holds her, she looks at him as though he had just come to earth on a bolt of lightning.

I donat know who is the greater foola"me for caring, or Reno for being taken in by the conniving little aristocrat.

Wolfe crossed the living room with a predatory grace that warned Rafe and Caleb of what was coming. Reno didnat notice Wolfeas approach, for his attention was completely on Jessicaas laughter, the unusual color of her eyes, and the firelight caught in her hair. The hard masculine tap on his shoulder came as a surprise.

aPatience, big brother,a Reno said. aYouall get your turn.a aI will get all of the turns.a The cold anger in Wolfeas voice made Renoas head snap around. He took one look at Wolfe and released Jessica without a word. She started to smile at Wolfe, but when she saw his eyes her smile vanished. She stumbled as he spun her away from Reno.

aSorry,a she said, catching her balance by holding on to Wolfe. aYou startled me.a Wolfe didnat bother to politely pretend that it had been his error in rhythm rather than Jessicaas that had caused her to stumble.

aI will do more than startle you if you insist on seducing every man within reach.a Wolfeas tone was as hard as his eyes. Though his voice was too low to carry beyond Jessica, each word was distinct, making her flinch as though at a blow.

aI wasnat seducinga"a aThe h.e.l.l you werenat, your ladyship,a Wolfe said icily, cutting across her words. aNow listen to me and listen well. You forced this marriage. Until you agree to end it, you will act in public as a married woman. This isnat Great Britain, nor are the Moran brothers members of British aristocracy. In this time and place, married women have no other man but their husband, and married men have no other woman but their wife. Do you understand me? There will be no lovers for you or for me while this farce of a marriage lasts.a Before Jessica could answer or protest, Wolfe released her and walked toward the Moran brothers. The music stopped as though cut off by a knife.

aGentlemen,a Wolfe said with deadly softness, adonat be fooled by appearances. Lady Jessica forced our marriage by claiming that I had seduced her. I did not. She is as virginal tonight as she was on the instant of her birth. Yet we are married. The little nun prefers it that way, for she knows I wonat force her. She believes she can remain forever a spoiled child, playing at marriage, playing at keeping house, playing at being a woman.a The silence that followed Wolfeas words was so absolute that the wail of the wind outside was almost shocking in its volume. Wolfe looked from Rafe to Reno and resumed speaking in the same soft, savagely controlled voice.

aEnjoy Jessicaas smile, enjoy her laughter, enjoy her lively conversation, but donat get your guts in a knot over a spoiled little tease who whimpers during storms and canat even build a firea"in or out of bed. Wait for the right woman, one like Willow, a woman, not a girl, a woman strong enough to fight by your side if she must, pa.s.sionate enough to set fire to your soul as well as your body, and generous enough to give you children despite the risk to her own life. Jessica is not that woman.a Wolfe turned on his heel and stalked to the front door. The cry of the wind increased as the door opened. Without a word or a look at his wife, Tree That Stands Alone vanished into the windy night.

12.

J ESSICA slept more badly than usual that night, for Wolfeas icy summation of her failures as a Western woman kept echoing in her mind, sliding past all inner barriers, cutting her in ways she couldnat name. All she could do was endure as she had endured in the past, putting pain and memories behind her, forcing them into parts of her mind she visited her, forcing them into parts of her mind she visited only in nightmares.

But tonight Jessica couldnat fight as she had fought in the past. Tonight she felt her carefully constructed defenses crumbling like a sand castle beneath a rising tide.

When Wolfe came into the room, undressed silently, and slid beneath the blankets, Jessica was more awake than asleep. The scent of him settled over her, evergreens and fresh snow. His hair radiated the cold wind that writhed over the land.

Lying absolutely still, certain that he sensed her wakefulness, Jessica waited for Wolfe to speak to her. When he simply rolled onto his side with his back to her, she closed her eyes and told herself she was grateful not to hear any more cutting words from Tree That Stands Alone.

But she wasnat grateful. She would rather have been berated than continue to lie in bed half-dazed with regret and loneliness, listening to the windas victorious wail. Shivering with a cold that not even the fur blanket could warm, she waited for sleep to release her. In time, something close to sleep came, but there was no release in it, simply greater vulnerability.

Outside the room, a northern storm descended, fulfilling the harsh promises of the wind. A vast, ice-toothed scythe of sleet sliced horizontally across the land. Pellets of ice hammered over the roof and clawed down windowpanes while the wind screamed in a womanas voice, describing eternal d.a.m.nation.

Her motheras voice.

Terror that was colder than the storm froze Jessica. Neither asleep nor yet awake, she clenched her teeth against the cries locked within her throat. She would not let Wolfe hear her.

aa spoiled little tease who whimpers during storms.

With a soundless cry of despair, Jessica turned her face into the pillow, fighting memories, fighting nightmares, fighting herself. Sensing weakness, the wind howled around her. Its icy fingers pried beneath her control, screaming to her in her motheras voice.

But it was Wolfeas words Jessica heard, Wolfeas words that stripped her to her naked soul.

Wait for the right woman, one like Willow, a woman not a girlaa woman pa.s.sionate enough to set your soul on fireagenerous enough to give you children despite the risk to her own life.

Jessica is not that woman.

The wind screamed triumphantly as memory, nightmare, and storm combined, telling Jessica that she was alone and the wind was everywhere.

The sounds she refused to make shuddered through her tense body. Though she managed to stem her own cries, she could not stem the black tide of memories drowning her, a childhood recalled by her motheras voice screaming with the wind, incidents she had spent a lifetime hiding from except in nightmares, and those she refused to remember upon awakening.

But Jessica finally was awake now. She was remembering her motheras screams and her fatheras curses, two figures interlocked on the hallway floor in brutal s.e.xual combat.

I wonat remember!

Yet Jessica could not stop remembering.

Abruptly, she knew she could control her cries no longer. There was only one place where she would be free. Outside, in the center of the windas violence, where nothing living could hear her scream.

Just as Jessicaas legs slid over the edge of the bed, a powerful arm snaked around her waist and hauled her backward. The contact was unexpected, an extension of her nightmare where her fatheras thick arm hooked around her fleeing mother, draging her down to the mating she had fought with every bit of strength in her small body.

Wolfe sensed the wild tension in Jessica the instant before she exploded. He put his free hand over her mouth, shutting off her scream as he bore her down beneath him on the bed. After a flurry of struggle, he overwhelmed her attempts to be free of him. Soon she was helpless, her arms stretched above her head, her wrists locked together in one of Wolfeas hands, his other hand clamped over her mouth, and his big body pinning her so completely she could barely breathe. Screaming was impossible. So was escape.

aIf you think Iam going to let you tiptoe off to have your feelings soothed by one of those fine Moran brothers, youare crazy,a Wolfe said in a low, savage voice.

At first the words didnat register through Jessicaas panic. Finally, the simple fact that she was helpless but not being hurt penetrated her fear. It was Wolfe imprisoning her. It was Wolfe speaking to her. Wolfe, whom she had trusted from the first moment she saw him. Wolfe, who would never hurt her as her mother had been hurt. Wolfe, who had been her talisman against nightmare and waking terror. Wolfe, who might hate her, but would never rape her.

With a convulsive shudder, Jessica stopped fighting.

aThatas better, your ladyship. I know my touch repulses you, but thatas too d.a.m.ned bad. Youare the one who wanted to be married, not me.a Jessicaas eyes widened. She turned her head from side to side, trying to evade Wolfeas hand over her mouth. After a moment, he lifted his palm. She licked her lips and tried to speak. On the third attempt, words came.

aBeing touched by you doesnat repulse me,a she whispered. aTruly, Wolfe.a aYou lie very sweetly, Sister Jessica, but your body tells me the truth,a Wolfe said sardonically. aYou would have screamed and clawed my eyes out if I had let you. Hardly the act of a girl pleased by a manas touch.a aYou donat understand. I was remembering and then you grabbed me, and I didnat know what was memory or nightmare and what was real.a aSave your lies for the Moran brothers. They believe youare half the woman you look to be. I know better.a Wolfe released Jessica and rolled aside as though repelled by the very feel of her skin.

aWolfe,a she whispered raggedly, reaching out to him. aWolfe, youare the only one Iave ever trusted. Please donat abandon me to the wind. It will steal my mind as surely as it stole hers.a The cold trembling of Jessicaas hand on his arm shocked Wolfe almost as much as her words.

aItas just a storm,a he said roughly.

aNo,a Jessica whispered. aIt stole her soul. Canat you hear her screaming? Listen. Itas the cry of a woman newly d.a.m.ned.a A chill moved down Wolfeas spine. The slow shudders that took Jessicaas body were transmitted to him by the cold fingers clinging to his arm. Despite his anger, he could no more turn away from her naked pleas than he could walk out of his own skin. He put his hand over hers, trying to warm her fingers.

aJessiaitas just the wind, no more.a She didnat hear Wolfe. She heard only the keening cry of her memories. Wide-eyed, motionless but for the trembling she couldnat control, she lay and listened to the wind, knowing that soon her mother would drag herself from her fatheras bed and walk the stone hallways, crying and wailing, her screams rising and falling in awful harmony with the wind.

aJessi?a There was no answer but her quick, shallow breaths. Slowly, Wolfe gathered Jessica against his body. Though she was so tense that she was all but rigid, she didnat fight his embrace. She simply lay against him, quivering like a bowstring drawn to the breaking point. He had felt the same shivering in her once before, when he had held her amid a fragrant haystack while a wild storm hammered all around. She had been crying with fear then.

He found himself wishing that she would weep now.

She didnat. She simply lay and shuddered at random, finally driven beyond her ability to endure. The knowledge that he had pushed Jessica to the point of breaking brought no triumph to Wolfe. Had he been able, he would have undone every hurtful word. He had never meant to bring her this low.

aItas all right, elf,a Wolfe said gently. He stroked Jessicaas back, trying to draw some of the tension from her. aNothing can harm you. Iall keep you safe.a aI thought so once,a she whispered. A shudder racked her body. aNothing can hold back the wind.a aThe wind canat hurt you.a Wolfeas hand smoothed slowly over Jessicaas soft hair. aYouare safe with me.a The silence went on so long Wolfe became uneasy. He turned aside for a moment to light a candle, thinking that the warm dance of flame would comfort Jessica. When he turned back, she was watching the window with a fixed stare that made his skin cold.

aJessi?a he whispered.

aDinna ye hear her, laddie?a Jessica asked, her voice and accents that of the Scots child she once had been.

Ice slid down Wolfeas spine. aWho do you hear?a Jessica blinked and her voice changed, her accents becoming clipped, English. aThe earl is at mum again. First the screaming and then the bleeding and then the burying.a Wolfe looked down at Jessica. Her eyes were still wide, still focused on something only she could see, something that so horrified her that she was literally chilled by the sight.

aTell me what you see,a Wolfe commanded gently.

She closed her eyes. aI will not remember.a aYou must. Itas eating you alive. Name your devil and it canat own you. Name it, Jessi. Nothing is worse than what you now feel.a Thunder broke in an avalanche of sound that shook the house. Jessica didnat flinch, for she was caught in a far older, far more violent storm. Her eyes opened. They were sightless, fixed on a past only she could see.

aThe earl wants a son,a she whispered. There was no English accent, no Scots burr, nothing but the rhythms and accents of the West.

Wolfe stroked Jessicaas hair, trying to rea.s.sure her.

aGo on,a he said softly.

aThe earl wants a son.a aYes, I understand.a aMother doesnat want to breed. She never wanted to breed after the first time. It near killed her.a Wolfeas hand hesitated as he remembered Jessicaas certainty that women never wanted another child after bearing the first. Slowly, he continued the soothing downward motion of his hand over Jessicaas tangled hair.

aIs your father angry about your mother?a aAlways. Heas drunk. Heas walking down the hall to motheras room. The door is locked. He hammers on it and hammers on it. I canat hear a lot of what he yells because itas storming and she is screaming again.a Wolfe closed his eyes for an instant, hoping that the suspicions coiling coldly in his gut were wrong.

aDoes your mother open the door?a he asked.

aNo.a With a silent sigh of relief, Wolfe asked, aWhat else do you see?a aHe takes an ax to the door. Thunder and chopping and screaming. She sounds just like the wind screaming.a Wolfe closed his eyes for an instant. Very gently, he brushed his lips over Jessicaas forehead. Her skin was clammy.

aHe drags her into the hall,a Jessica continued, aswearing heall have a son of her if itas the last thing either one of them ever does. Some nights I thought it would be.a Wolfeas heart turned over as he sensed what was coming next. aJessiaa She didnat hear. aMother would fight and he would beat her until she was quiet so he could rut on her. When it was over she just lay there until I came and washed off the blood and took her back to bed.a aMerciful G.o.d,a Wolfe breathed, horrified. aYou were just a child!a Jessica kept talking as though Wolfe hadnat spoken. She no longer wanted to stem the floodtide of memories. She wanted only to make Wolfe understand that she hadnat withdrawn from him because he repulsed her.

aSometimes she simply miscarried after weeks of sickness,a Jessica continued relentlessly. aSometimes she grew big despite the endless vomiting and fainting. Then she slowly turned yellow and was brought screaming to a childbed, knowing the babe within was dead. No one from the village would tend her, for they believed her cursed. I stayed with her.a aJessiaa Wolfeas voice broke.

aWhen it was finished, I washed and dressed the tiny corpse in a christening gown. They were like wax dolls, as still and pale as the marble headstone we placed on the grave. Six headstones all in a row.a Jessica looked through Wolfe with wide, dilated eyes. aI did what I could to keep the wind from taking them and her. The wind took them anyway, and finally it took her. I heard their voices in every storm, yet I hear hers most of all. Sheas calling to me, reminding me what horror awaits women in the marriage bed.a Wolfe started to touch Jessica comfortingly, then stopped, not wanting to frighten her. He finally understood all too well how a manas touch could horrify her.

A final, violent shudder went through Jessicaas body. When it pa.s.sed, she focused on Wolfe for the first time since memories had claimed her. She could see little more of him than his outline against the golden glow of the candle. Hesitantly, she lifted her hands to his face, needing rea.s.surance of his reality.

aYou are so warm,a she breathed.

Slowly, she caressed Wolfeas cheeks, enjoying the heat of life burning beneath his skin, warming herself as though he were a fire. The simple hunger for his warmth made Wolfe understand how cold she had felt. He tried to speak, but had no words to equal the mixture of emotions tangled within him.

aI didnat mean to fight you,a Jessica whispered, struggling to keep her voice from breaking. aNot my own Wolfe.a Her arms went around Wolfeas neck as she pressed her face against his chest. aPlease donat hate me. Youare the only one Iave ever trusted.a Wolfe felt the sudden heat of her tears against his neck and his own eyes burned. He made a low sound and touched her cheek with a hand that trembled.

aI donat hate you, Jessi,a he said hoa.r.s.ely. aNever that.a She turned to press a kiss against his palm.

aThank you,a she whispered.

aDonat turn the knife,a he said, his voice fraying. aI should be the one asking you not to hate me. I thought you were just spoiled and stubborn. I didnat know you were fighting for your life.a Wolfeas lips brushed repeatedly over Jessicaas eyelids and lashes, taking her tears. aDonat cry, elf. Donat cry. It tears out my heart. Please stop. Iall never be cruel like that again.a aIam s-sorry. I know my tears d-disgust you, but Ia"a Wolfeas thumb pressed gently against Jessicaas lips, stilling her words. aYour tears donat disgust me.a aBut you s-saida"a His thumb pressed against her lips once more. aHush, little one. When I said that, I was furious because I thought my touch repulsed you.a aNever,a Jessica said instantly, tightening her arms around Wolfeas neck. aNever never never! You were my talisman against the wind. I carried you inside my heart, but then you started hating me and there was nothing left but the wind.a Wolfeas throat closed as an agonizing combination of sorrow and self-contempt claimed him. His arms tightened, holding Jessica close enough to feel her breath against his skin.

aWhere were you going when I stopped you a few minutes ago?a he asked finally.

aTo the wind.a When Wolfe tried to speak, he couldnat. Then words came in a whispered rush, her name repeated with every breath as he brushed kisses over her eyelids and cheeks. He wanted to tell her how much he regretted hurting her, yet all he could think of was how he had failed to understand her.

When Iam with you, I donat hear the wind.

Then he had turned on her and driven her toward the very thing that most terrified her.

aIam sorry, Jessi,a Wolfe whispered finally. aIf I had known, I never would have been so harsh. Can you believe that?a Jessica nodded, her face pressed tightly against Wolfeas neck.

aCan you forgive me?a he asked.

Again she nodded, and held him even more tightly.

He made an odd sound. aI donat know how you can. I find I canat forgive myself.a Silently, Wolfe held Jessica until at last he felt the violent tension begin to ebb from her body. She still flinched if the wind shook the house, but she no longer trembled like an aspen leaf in a storm. Finally she let out a long, broken sigh and kissed the curve of Wolfeas neck where her face had been pressed. The skin was warm and wet with her tears.

aI seem to have cried all over you.a aI donat mind.a Jessica tilted her head back until she could see Wolfeas eyes. aTruly?a aTruly.a She smiled with lips that still had a faint trembling. aDoes that mean youave forgiven me?a aI told you, Jessi. I didnat mean what I said about your tears disgusting me.a aNo. I meant do you forgive me for trapping you into marriage?a There was a heartbeat of silence before Wolfe sighed. aYou believed you were fighting for your life. I canat blame you for that.a aI didnat know how unfair it would be to you,a Jessica whispered as tears overflowed again. aI believed I would be a good wife for you, truly I did. I didnat know how lacking I was inaeverything.a Wolfeas thumb smoothed over her lips, stilling the words she would have spoken next. aDonat belittle yourself, Jessi. Itas not your fault that Iam a halfbreed b.a.s.t.a.r.d. You will make a fine wife for a lord.a aStop,a she said, pressing her fingers over his mouth.

Gently, he lifted her hand and continued speaking. aItas the truth. You were born and raised to grace a lordas castle.a aThe truth is youare a man to turn every womanas head, and her heart as well. Surely you know that, Wolfe.a aI know that looks arenat much of a recommendation in men, horses, dogs, or women,a he said dryly.

Jessica smiled despite the tears that fell slowly down her cheeks. aaTis not just your looks, my Lord Wolfe, and well you know it. You are so very much a man.a Wolfe bent and brushed his mouth over the silver trails of her tears. aStay beneath the covers, Jessi. Iall be right back.a As Wolfe got out of bed, he pulled on the dark pants he had discarded earlier. When he stood, he sensed Jessica watching him. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the admiration in her eyes as she looked at his naked back. Desire coiled within him, but no anger followed. He finally understood that she wasnat teasing him just to watch him squirm. Jessica didnat realize what her look invited. She would have been frightened if she did know. Given what she had seen of s.e.x, he expected nothing else.

When Wolfe returned, he was carrying a small gla.s.s of brandy in one hand and a pan of warm water in the other. He put the pan on the bedside table, sat on the bed, and warmed the gla.s.s in his hands. Soon the heady aroma of brandy curled upward.