One-Act Plays Part 19

VALSIN. Ah, Heaven help me, I am going to laugh again! Oh, ho, ho! I am spent! [_He drops into a chair and gives way to another attack of uproarious hilarity._] Ah, ha, ha, ha! Oh, my liver, ha, ha! No, Citizeness, I do not want you! Oh, ha, ha, ha!

ELOISE. _Oh!_ [_She utters a choked scream and rushes at him._] Swine!

VALSIN [_warding her off with outstretched hands_]. Spare me! Ha, ha, ha! I am helpless! Ho, ho, ho! Citizeness, it would not be worth your while to strangle a man who is already dying!

ELOISE [_beside herself_]. Do you dream that I _meant_ it?

VALSIN [_feebly_]. Meant to strangle me?

ELOISE [_frantic_]. To give myself to you!

VALSIN. In short, to--to marry me! [_He splutters._]

ELOISE [_furiously_]. It was a ruse--

VALSIN [_soothingly_]. Yes, yes, a trick. I saw that all along.

ELOISE [_even more infuriated_]. For their sake, beast! [_She points to the other room._] To save _them_!

VALSIN [_wiping his eyes_]. Of course, of course. [_He rises, stepping quickly to the side of the chair away from her and watching her warily._] _I_ knew it was to save them. We'll put it like that.

ELOISE [_in an anger of exasperation_]. It _was_ that!

VALSIN. Yes, yes. [_Keeping his distance._] I saw it from the first.

[_Suppressing symptoms of returning mirth._] It was perfectly plain.

You mustn't excite yourself--nothing could have been clearer! [_A giggle escapes him, and he steps hastily backward as she advances upon him._]

ELOISE. Poodle! Valet! Sc.u.m of the alleys! Sheep of the prisons!

Jailer! Hangman! a.s.sa.s.sin! Brigand! _Horse-doctor!_ [_She hurls the final epithet at him in a climax of ferocity which wholly exhausts her; and she sinks into the chair by the desk, with her arms upon the desk and her burning face hidden in her arms. VALSIN, morbidly chuckling, in spite of himself, at each of her insults, has retreated farther and farther, until he stands with his back against the door of the inner room, his right hand behind him, resting on the latch. As her furious eyes leave him he silently opens the door, letting it remain a few inches ajar and keeping his back to it. Then, satisfied that what he intends to say will be overheard by those within, he erases all expression from his face, and strides to the dismantled doorway in the pa.s.sage._]

VALSIN [_calling loudly_]. Dossonville! [_He returns, coming down briskly to ELOISE. His tone is crisp and soldier-like._] Citizeness, I have had my great hour. I proceed with the arrests. I have given you four plenty of time to prepare yourselves. Time? Why, the Emigrant could have changed clothes with one of the women in there a dozen times if he had hoped to escape in that fashion--as historical prisoners _have_ won clear, it is related. Fortunately, that is impossible just now; and he will not dare to attempt it.

DOSSONVILLE [_appearing in the hallway_]. Present, my chieftain!

VALSIN [_sharply_]. Attend, Dossonville. The returned Emigrant, Valny-Cherault, is forfeited; but because I cherish a special grievance against him, I have decided upon a special punishment for him. It does not please me that he should have the comfort and ministrations of loving women on his journey to the Tribunal. No, no; the presence of his old sweetheart would make even the scaffold sweet to him. Therefore I shall take him alone. I shall let these women go.

DOSSONVILLE. What refinement! Admirable! [_ELOISE slowly rises, staring incredulously at VALSIN._]

VALSIN [_picking up the "permit" from the desk_]. "Permit the Citizen Balsage and his sister, the Citizeness Virginie Balsage, and his second sister, Marie Balsage, and Eloise d'Anville--" Ha! You see, Dossonville, since one of these three women is here, there are two in the other room with the Emigrant. They are to come out, leaving him there. First, however, we shall disarm him. You and I have had sufficient experience in arresting aristocrats to know that they are not always so sensible as to give themselves up peaceably, and I happened to see the outline of a pistol under the Emigrant's frock the other day in the diligence. We may as well save one of us from a detestable hole through the body. [_He steps toward the door, speaking sharply._] Emigrant, you have heard. For your greater chagrin, these three devoted women are to desert you. Being an aristocrat, you will pretend to prefer this arrangement. They are to leave at once. Throw your pistol into this room, and I will agree not to make the arrest until they are in safety. They can reach your vessel in five minutes.

When they have gone, I give you my word not to open this door for ten.

[_A pistol is immediately thrown out of the door, and falls at VALSIN's feet. He picks it up, his eyes alight with increasing excitement._]

VALSIN [_tossing the pistol to DOSSONVILLE_]. Call the lieutenant.

[_DOSSONVILLE goes to the window, leans out, and beckons. VALSIN writes hastily at the desk, not sitting down._] "Permit the three women Balsage to embark without delay upon the _Jeune Pierrette_.

Signed: Valsin." There, Citizeness, is a "permit" which permits. [_He thrusts the paper into the hand of ELOISE, swings toward the door of the inner room, and raps loudly upon it._] Come, my feminines! Your sailors await you--brave, but no judges of millinery. There's a fair wind for you; and a grand toilet is wasted at sea. Come, charmers; come! [_The door is half opened, and MADAME DE LASEYNE, white and trembling violently, enters quickly, shielding as much as she can the inexpressibly awkward figure of her brother, behind whom she extends her hand, closing the door sharply. He wears the brocaded skirt which MADAME DE LASEYNE has taken from the portmanteau, and ELOISE's long mantle, the lifted hood and MADAME DE LASEYNE's veil shrouding his head and face._]

VALSIN [_in a stifled voice_]. At last! At last one beholds the regal d'Anville! No Amazon--

DOSSONVILLE [_aghast_]. It looks like--

VALSIN [_shouting_]. It doesn't! [_He bows gallantly to LOUIS._] A cruel veil, but, oh, what queenly grace! [_LOUIS stumbles in the skirt. VALSIN falls back, clutching at his side. But ELOISE rushes to LOUIS and throws herself upon her knees at his feet. She pulls his head down to hers and kisses him through the veil._]

VALSIN [_madly_]. Oh, touching devotion! Oh, sisters! Oh, love! Oh, honey! Oh, petticoats--

DOSSONVILLE [_interrupting humbly_]. The lieutenant, Citizen Commissioner. [_He points to the hallway, where the officer appears, standing at attention._]

VALSIN [_wheeling_]. Officer, conduct these three persons to the quay.

Place them on board the _Jeune Pierrette_. The captain will weigh anchor instantly. [_The officer salutes._]

ANNE [_hoa.r.s.ely to LOUIS, who is lifting the weeping ELOISE to her feet_]. Quick! In the name of--

VALSIN. Off with you! [_MADAME DE LASEYNE seizes the portmanteau and rushes to the broken doorway, half dragging the others with her. They go out in a tumultuous hurry, followed by the officer. ELOISE sends one last glance over her shoulder at VALSIN as she disappears, and one word of concentrated venom:_ "Buffoon!" _In wild spirits he blows a kiss to her. The fugitives are heard clattering madly down the stairs._]

DOSSONVILLE [_excitedly_]. We can take the Emigrant now. [_Going to the inner door._] Why wait--

VALSIN. That room is empty.

DOSSONVILLE. What!

VALSIN [_shouting with laughter_]. He's gone! Not bare-backed, but in petticoats: that's worse! He's gone, I tell you! The other was the d'Anville.

DOSSONVILLE. Then you recog--

VALSIN. Imbecile, she's as well known as the Louvre! They're off on their honeymoon! She'll take him now! She will! She will, on the soul of a prophet! [_He rushes to the window and leans far out, shouting at the top of his voice:_] _Quits with you, Louis! Quits! Quits!_ [_He falls back from the window and relapses into a chair, cackling ecstatically._]

DOSSONVILLE [_hoa.r.s.e with astonishment_]. You've let him go! You've let 'em _all_ go!

VALSIN [_weak with laughter_]. Well, _you're_ not going to inform.

[_With a sudden reversion to extreme seriousness, he levels a sinister forefinger at his companion._] And, also, take care of your health, friend; remember constantly that you have a weak throat, _and don't you ever mention this to my wife_! These are bad times, my Dossonville, and neither you nor I will see the end of them. Good Lord! Can't we have a little fun as we go along? [_A fresh convulsion seizes him, and he rocks himself pitiably in his chair._]

[THE CURTAIN.]

THE PIERROT OF THE MINUTE

_A DRAMATIC FANTASY IN ONE ACT_

By ERNEST DOWSON

_Performance Free_

Ernest Christopher Dowson, now generally known simply as Ernest Dowson, was born at the Grove, Belmont Hill, Lee, Kent, August 2, 1867, and died in London thirty-three years later. His schooling, because of his delicate health, was irregular, and he spent too short a time at Queen's College, Oxford, to take a degree. He lived abroad much, but during his sojourns in London in the 'nineties belonged to the Rhymer's Club[26] that met in an upper room of Johnson's own "Cheshire Cheese." His death from consumption brought to a close a life marred by waste and sordid a.s.sociations.

[Footnote 26: Yeats has commemorated this club in the following lines in his poem, _The Grey Rock_: