One-Act Plays Part 101

AMERICAN [_to the GERMAN_]. Guess I lost that.

GERMAN. He say he is not his officer.

AMERICAN. That just tickles me to death.

OFFICIAL [_looking round_]. Vill n.o.body dake ze Bub'?

ENGLISHWOMAN [_moving a step--faintly_]. Yes--I--

ENGLISHMAN [_grasping her arm_]. By Jove! Will you!

OFFICIAL [_gathering himself for a great effort to take the BABY, and advancing two steps_]. Zen I gommand you--[_He stops and his voice dies away._] Zit dere!

AMERICAN. My! That's wonderful. What a man this is! What a sublime sense of duty! [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs. The OFFICIAL turns on him, but as he does so the MOTHER of the BABY is seen hurrying._]

MOTHER. Ach! Ach! Mei' Bubi! [_Her face is illumined; she is about to rush to the LITTLE MAN._]

OFFICIAL [_to the POLICEMAN_]. Nimm die Frau! [_The POLICEMAN catches hold of the WOMAN._]

OFFICIAL [_to the frightened WOMAN_]. Warum haben Sie einen Buben mit Typhus mit ausgebracht?

AMERICAN [_eagerly, from his perch_]. What was that? I don't want to miss any.

GERMAN. He say: Why did you a baby with typhus with you bring out?

AMERICAN. Well, that's quite a question. [_He takes out the field-gla.s.ses slung around him and adjusts them on the BABY._]

MOTHER [_bewildered_], Mei' Bubi--Typhus--aber Typhus? [_She shakes her head violently._] Nein, nein, nein! Typhus!

OFFICIAL. Er hat Typhus.

MOTHER [_shaking her head_]. Nein, nein, nein!

AMERICAN [_looking through his gla.s.ses_]. Guess she's kind of right! I judge the typhus is where the baby's s...o...b..red on the shawl, and it's come off on him. [_The DUTCH YOUTH laughs._]

OFFICIAL [_turning on him furiously_]. Er hat Typhus.

AMERICAN. Now, that's where you slop over. Come right here. [_The OFFICIAL mounts, and looks through the gla.s.ses._]

AMERICAN [_to the LITTLE MAN_]. Skin out the baby's leg. If we don't locate spots on that, it'll be good enough for me. [_The LITTLE MAN fumbles out the BABY's little white foot._]

MOTHER. Mei' Bubi! [_She tries to break away._]

AMERICAN. White as a banana. [_To the OFFICIAL--affably._] Guess you've made kind of a fool of us with your old typhus.

OFFICIAL. La.s.s die Frau! [_The POLICEMAN lets her go, and she rushes to her BABY._]

MOTHER. Mei' Bubi! [_The BABY, exchanging the warmth of the LITTLE MAN for the momentary chill of its MOTHER, wails._]

OFFICIAL [_descending and beckoning to the POLICEMAN_]. Sie wollen den Herrn accusiren? [_The POLICEMAN takes the LITTLE MAN's arm._]

AMERICAN. What's that? They goin' to pinch him after all? [_The MOTHER, still hugging her BABY, who has stopped crying, gazes at the LITTLE MAN, who sits dazedly looking up. Suddenly she drops on her knees, and with her free hand lifts his booted foot and kisses it._]

AMERICAN [_waving his hat_]. 'Ra! 'Ra! [_He descends swiftly, goes up to the LITTLE MAN, whose arm the POLICEMAN has dropped, and takes his hand._] Brother, I am proud to know you. This is one of the greatest moments I have ever experienced. [_Displaying the LITTLE MAN to the a.s.sembled company._] I think I sense the situation when I say that we all esteem it an honor to breathe the rather inferior atmosphere of this station here along with our little friend. I guess we shall all go home and treasure the memory of his face as the whitest thing in our museum of recollections. And perhaps this good woman will also go home and wash the face of our little brother here. I am inspired with a new faith in mankind. We can all be proud of this mutual experience; we have our share in it; we can kind of feel n.o.ble. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to present to you a sure-enough saint--only wants a halo, to be transfigured. [_To the LITTLE MAN._] Stand right up. [_The LITTLE MAN stands up bewildered. They come about him. The OFFICIAL bows to him, the POLICEMAN salutes him. The DUTCH YOUTH shakes his head and laughs. The GERMAN draws himself up very straight, and bows quickly twice. The ENGLISHMAN and his wife approach at least two steps, then, thinking better of it, turn to each other and recede. The MOTHER kisses his hand. The PORTER returning with the Sanitatsmachine, turns it on from behind, and its pinkish shower, goldened by a ray of sunlight, falls around the LITTLE MAN's head, transfiguring it as he stands with eyes upraised to see whence the portent comes._]

AMERICAN [_rushing forward and dropping on his knees_]. Hold on just a minute! Guess I'll take a snap-shot of the miracle. [_He adjusts his pocket camera._] This ought to look bully!

[THE CURTAIN.]