One Last Dance Part 1

Gouge, Eileen.

One Last Dance.

Acknowledgments.

This novel was an adventure from start to finish . . . JL including the handful of ma.n.u.script pages that got waterlogged during a rainstorm that sent buckets of water pouring down through my office ceiling. For making it as fun and painless as possible, I would like to thank, first and foremost, my dear and endlessly supportive husband, Sandy, who has been lulled asleep at night on more than one occasion by the furious tapping of my keyboard. He also supplied key editorial commentary and was instrumental in challenging me on scenes that didn't ring 100 percent true emotionally. I hope the story you are about to read will reflect that honesty.

I would also like to thank the women at Viking who helped guide me to safe sh.o.r.es. Susan Petersen, for her grace and firm hand. Barbara Grossman, for her support and encouragement. And my editor, Molly Stern, who often leaves me wondering how I got by for so long without her.

Thanks, too, to Louise Burke at Signet, for her enthusiasm, keen eye, and impressive batting average. I'm privileged to be on her team.

And last, but not least, I'm deeply grateful to my wonderful agent and friend, Susan Ginsburg, who is as dynamic as she is diplomatic. Thank you, Susan, for listening.

One Last Dance

Chapter 1.

The moment she walked in, Daphne knew she was doomed. The store was pretty much deserted . . . even on a rainy Monday night in April with a lackl.u.s.ter basketball season dribbling to a close and most of the hit TV shows in presweeps rerun. She gazed out on row upon row of bookshelves-pale oak that gleamed under fluorescent lighting designed to resemble the kind of opaque hanging fixtures seen in old-fashioned public libraries and apothecaries. There were only a handful of browsers, most of them huddled over steaming mugs in the cafe section with their faces submerged in books.

Oh Lord, not again. Daphne took a deep breath, holding herself tightly clenched to keep from darting an apologetic glance at her husband. Roger would need no reminding that he'd sacrificed his monthly poker game with the other doctors in his practice to ferry her all the way out here for this. Stepping away from the puddle that had gathered on the corrugated black rubber mat just inside the door, she felt the mean pinch of a long-forgotten memory: the ancient public library in her hometown of Miramonte, where as a child she'd had to balance on tippy-toes to reach the top shelf, and the loudest noise was the smack of Miss Kabachnik's forcefully applied rubber stamp. Back then, Daphne would sooner have drunk out of the drinking fountain after Skeet Walker had spit into it than dare keep a book past its return date, and thus invoke Herr Kabachnik's wrath . . . and that's just how she felt now, coming in out of the rain, her heart rising in her throat like water nearing its floodmark: as if she were about to be publicly humiliated. 2 Proof of what lay ahead stood at the far end of the store, in the open carpeted area between the children's and cookbook sections: five rows of gray metal folding chairs, six to a row, each one as empty as a faithless lover's heart. The a.s.sistant manager looked as if he, too, would rather be anywhere but here in Port Chester, Long Island, hosting yet another poorly attended event for yet another obscure author. Clearly, a show of enthusiasm wasn't part of the deal. Daphne felt a stone of panic lodge in her throat. The young man offered her a handshake as limp and clammy as the coat she was struggling out of. That company-manual smile of his, she thought, might have been coming at her from behind the cash register at a McDonald's. Scarlet cl.u.s.ters of acne stood out on his cheeks, and his gla.s.ses, retro Buddy Holly, were smudged at the corners where he was fiddling with them. But even as he was giving her the lowdown-something about Mrs. Temple, the manager, being home with the flu and sending her apologies for not being able to make it-his eyes kept straying toward Roger, at the moment engaged in thoroughly shaking out their umbrella. He thumped it hard against the doormat, twice, then once more for good measure, before carefully fastening the Velcro tab and dropping it into the bucket by the security gate. Daphne was used to people deferring to Roger. Her husband's size and authoritative presence commanded attention like a drumroll. She half expected the a.s.sistant manager to salute. "Anyway, you're right on time," the boy said, flicking his gaze back to her. "We're all set up for you in back." "Yes, I can see that. But I'm afraid there's been some sort of misunderstanding." She was careful to strike a friendly, relaxed tone. "My publicist was supposed to have called. I asked that no chairs be set out until we had more of a ... a feel for the turnout." The boy absently probed a zit on his chin. "I don't know about that," he said. "All I know is Mrs. Temple 3 told me to put out the chairs. You are giving a reading, right? Anyway, that's what it says in the bulletin." Roger leaned over to give the boy's shoulder a fatherly pat. "Hour and some in the pouring rain on the expressway, I don't imagine a few empty chairs are going to scare us off." He chuckled, a bit too heartily. "You've read it, of course? Her novel?" He flashed the kid his patented pediatrician's smile. It was the same manner Daphne had once watched her husband use to coax a giggle from a traumatized sixyear-old with a broken arm. It worked like a charm on mothers, too. Roger seemed to know instinctively when to listen and soothe . . . and when to firmly seize the upper hand with a hysterical mom who was only making things worse. He even looked rea.s.suring: as big and solidly built as a brick church, with thick graying hair that swooped back dramatically from his imposing forehead. Now, leaning forward slightly, he added in a voice low with meaning, "In case you missed it, Walking After Midnight got a starred review in Publishers Weekly." In that moment, Daphne nearly turned around and walked back out into the pouring rain. She wasn't sure she could bear it, not tonight, his bl.u.s.tering attempt at leavening what was so clearly a hopeless situation. "Good heavens, who has time to read all these books?" She smiled too warmly at the clueless a.s.sistant manager, glancing at the badge pinned to his lapel. LEONARD. "I'd consider it a personal favor, though, Leonard," she went on in her most reasonable voice, the voice she used when coaxing Jennie into her car seat or convincing Kyle that letting his sister hog the VCR with her beloved Aristocats would be a better bet for him in the end than if he bullied her into the Power Rangers, ". . . if you'd take down some of those chairs. It's obvious we won't be needing so many." The reading had been set for eight. It was already five past, and on her way in, slogging across a parking lot that had become a marsh, Daphne hadn't noticed any velvet ropes holding back the fans that any minute would come spilling through the door. Leonard shrugged, consulting his black Swatch. Something 4 in the impatient flick of his wrist just then made her think of her husband. Not just Roger, but every man who'd ever made her feel this way: as if her every request, however small, had to be served up on a bed of apologies and feminine wiles. Where had she learned to behave this way? From Daddy, she supposed. In the gingerbread house by the sea, where she and her sisters had kowtowed to their father like the servant girls in the fairy tales he'd read aloud to them when they were little. Not the watered-down Hans Christian Andersen versions, but the original tales from an earlier, more bloodthirsty century, in which the heads of Bluebeard's wives were revealed in gruesome detail, and Cinderella's ugly stepsisters hacked off their toes to squeeze into the gla.s.s slipper. Her mind's eye formed a picture of her father seated in the brocade wing chair by the fireplace with his head bent over the heavy leather-bound volume in his lap. The light from the fringed silk lamp shade played over his long surgeon's hand as he slid it lengthwise between the gilt-edged pages with the careful slicing motion he'd taught them, counseling, A dog-eared book is the sign of a lazy, undisciplined person. His hair, the pale amber of the single scotch and water he allowed himself each night before supper, was thinning on top and every so often he stroked it carefully as if to make sure it hadn't deserted him altogether. One long gabardine-clad leg crossed languorously over the other as the words rolled off his tongue-rich, fulsome, shiver-inducing. The day after tomorrow she and Roger and the kids were flying out to California for her parents' fortieth wedding anniversary. Her sisters would be there, along with members of their extended family from across the country. Daphne suddenly couldn't wait. It felt as if everything she treasured most was tied up in the big gabled house on Agua Fria Point, where little had changed in the years since she'd left for college. Like the stories contained in the volumes lining the mahogany bookcase in her father's study, their yellowing pages rustling like autumn leaves in the twilight of a seemingly endless golden summer, a summer of sandy bathing suits slung 5 over the porch railing and peeling sunburns and homemade lemonade by the gallon. As if from a distance, she heard the a.s.sistant manager say, "There's usually a few who show up late, though, like, you know, the regulars . . . the ones you can pretty much count on." Daphne nodded. The same loyal handful who showed up at every one of her readings: pensioners eager to be ,i entertained as long as it didn't cost a dime, the ponytailed grad student who considered it his moral duty to support a member of the literary undercla.s.s, the would-be novelists desperate for any thread of hope she might have to offer, however slender. And like a fleck of gold amid the silt, the occasional voice piping, "Miss Seagrave, I've read all your books. It's such an honor to meet you." There were never more than a dozen or so. She simply wasn't that kind of author. Though generally reviewed well, her novels had never been on any best-seller list. Her tales of family unrest, and the quiet desperation that can lie at the heart of a seemingly fulfilled life, sold only enough copies to provide her publisher with a legitimate excuse to offer her a contract for the next book. At this particular moment, though, Daphne would have traded half her modest advance for a single warm body. A lonely widower looking to kill an hour. A starry-eyed hopeful with a drawerful of rejection slips at home. A tired shopper stopping to rest his or her feet. Anyone. Anyone at all. Her husband even. But Roger was already wandering off in the direction of the biography section. She watched his back, the tectonic shift of its broad flat planes under his tweed blazer, the way he pitched from side to side as big men do-as if merely a.s.suming that whoever stood in his path must either step aside or fall in behind him. Don't you dare, she called to him in silent outrage. Don't you dare leave me stranded. She caught up with him by a freestanding aisle displaying every kind of computer t.i.tle imaginable--all of which appeared to be geared toward a fifth-grade mentality. 6 When Roger turned to offer a smile-more patronizing than encouraging, it seemed to her-Daphne's cheeks burned. "Don't worry. You'll do just fine," he rea.s.sured her. "How can you say that?" she hissed under her breath. "You're not the one swinging in the wind here. Roger, I can't do this alone." He gently shook his large s.h.a.ggy head. Daphne distinctly recalled when they'd first met, back in college. Fittingly enough, Roger had been her TA in Logic I. Only a few years older, he'd nonetheless struck a professorial stance even back then. All he'd needed were a pipe and leather elbow patches to complete the picture. Once, when she'd asked his help on a take-home exam, he'd been as exasperated with her inability to grasp what, to him, was so abundantly clear as she had with the questions themselves. "Don't you see? Without A and B there is no C," he'd cried in frustration at one point. What had attracted her to him? Ironically, the very solid predictability she now found so irritating. After Johnny, there had been only the pain, each day blending into the next like waves overlapping one another in a vast, uncharted sea. Roger had provided an anchor. Something to hold her in place whenever the sharp tugs of memory threatened to set her adrift. Johnny . . . The clear image she'd carried for so long had faded, like a wallet photo creased and worn from handling; in its place was a mosaic of fleeting impressions and sense memories. The faint acrid scent of the Winstons he smoked. The self-conscious way he smiled, more like a sneer, to hide his crooked front teeth. The low cynical laugh that came from a place inhabited by someone far older than seventeen, someone who wore his jeans tight when everyone else at Muir High was into baggy, and didn't give a rat's a.s.s if he got heat-as if anyone would dare-about his motorcycle boots and the army jacket that was more his uniform than that of the older brother who'd gotten his guts blown out in Nam. Daphne took a deep breath to ward off the memories, 7 and turned her attention to Roger. He wasn't unkind, she told herself. He wasn't abandoning her. Hadn't he forgone his poker game to drive her all the way out to Port Chester in the pouring rain? "Last time, six people showed up, and every one went away satisfied," he recalled, annoyingly accurate as always. "Anyway, I'm not going anywhere. Just give a shout if you need me." Daphne cast a panicked glance at the empty chairs, which Leonard was in the process of folding and stacking against the wall. He seemed in no particular hurry, and was making more noise than a bra.s.s band clanging its way up Fifth Avenue. She clutched Roger's arm in desperation. "Sit with me," she pleaded under her breath. "Just for a few minutes. Until at least one other person shows up. That's all I ask." He patted her hand in a gesture of fond indulgence. "I'll stay right where you can see me. I promise. I won't even duck into the men's room." "It's not you I'm worried about," she whispered, squeezing his arm harder than she'd intended, hard enough to make him wince. "I'm the one who's going to look like a fool." "You could never look like a fool." "Easy for you to say." A faint look of annoyance creased his broad face. "Really, Daphne," he admonished gently. "You're a serious author, not some fly-by-night pulp sensation. No one whose opinion matters expects you to hold court for a cheering crowd." "Roger, I am not talking about a crowd. Just one friendly face." Daphne hated the way she sounded, as if she were begging, like when three-year-old Jennie pleaded with Daphne to walk her, not just to the door of her nursery school, but all the way inside. Roger stood with his head bent as if in contemplation, lightly stroking the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "It's the principle of the thing," he explained with elaborate patience. "You don't need anyone S Eileen Goudge to hold your hand. What you need is to have more confidence in yourself." Suddenly, it was her father's voice she was hearing: Stand up straight, shoulders back, you'll never get anyone to notice you walking all hunched over like that. She could see Daddy as if he were standing before her now--lean, handsome, impatient in the way of someone who knows there is only one correct way of doing something: his way. She saw the bony ridge of his nose and the muscles belting his wiry forearms, his carbon-blue eyes as sharp as the instruments he used on cadavers no more equipped to resist his iron will than his family had been. She supposed her father, like Roger, had had only her best interests at heart, but at fourteen, painfully conscious of her flat chest and mouthful of metal, the last thing on earth she'd wanted was to be noticed. Even now, more than twenty years later, she could feel herself stiffening in resistance, as if Daddy's thumbs were pressing into her shoulder blades, attempting to pry her upright. Roger was right, she told herself. What was there to be ashamed of? She was an accomplished author as well as wife and mother. A woman who, at thirty-nine, could still catch the eye of men half her age. And that, she thought with a hastily sc.r.a.ped-up measure of pride, was without dieting or coloring her hair-a naturally wavy chestnut that tended to frizz with the damp. She reached up now to rake her fingers through it and could almost feel the kinks springing up under her touch. But who would notice? Best to simply grit her teeth and get through this with as much dignity as she could muster. Watching her husband stroll off, his large capable hands stuffed idly in the front pockets of his wide-wale corduroy trousers, she nevertheless felt a wild urge to seize the nearest book-Windows 98 for Dummies-and hurl it at him. The ensuing ordeal turned out to be every bit as excruciating as she'd imagined-like being skewered on a spit in one of those gla.s.s-front supermarket rotisseries, endlessly turning. In lieu of the podium she'd declined, she sat at a small table stacked with copies of Walking 9 After Midnight, on which some thoughtful employee had placed a coffee mug stuffed with half a dozen pens. Just in case, she observed drily, there wasn't enough ink in a single Bic Soft Feel for all the books her legions of hungry fans would be lining up to have her autograph. A few browsers glanced at her. then just as quickly looked away, as if from a car wreck. It was like the eighth-grade dances she recalled in agonizing detail, the hour upon hour of sitting motionless against the wall, the muscles in her face aching from her monumental effort to keep on smiling as if she were having a good time. Daphne would have welcomed even the company of the pimply a.s.sistant manager, who seemed to think it was enough just to breeze past every ten minutes or so to see if she had everything she needed. She wanted to shriek at him. What could I possibly need other than a two-by-four to hit you and my husband over the head with? Roger, engrossed in a book at the far end of the store, seemed equally oblivious to her torment. Daddy would never have left Mother stranded this way. she thought. As strict as he'd been with his daughters, he was always tender and solicitous with their mother. Courtly, even. Mother and Daddy had always been the envy of their friends. Well, they must be doing something right. Forty years, she thought. Daphne tried to imagine celebrating her fortieth anniversary with Roger, but in her present state, she wasn't at all certain her marriage would last beyond tonight. Her gaze strayed once more to Roger, who now was chatting with someone he appeared to know-a woman with short blond hair, not especially pretty, but attractive in the way of suburban wives who jogged five miles before breakfast and drove into Manhattan every other month to have their hair professionally styled. She was smiling at some comment Roger had made, her head slightly c.o.c.ked, wearing an expression that brought to mind a word Daphne a.s.sociated with romance novels: coquettish. Watching them, Daphne felt herself grow even more lo tense. Roger seemed in no hurry to get back to the book tucked leisurely under one arm. Nor did he so much as glance Daphne's way. If this woman was such a friend, why didn't he bring her over and introduce her to his wife? Roger didn't have a moment to spare for her, but seemed to have all the time in the world for someone he barely knew. Fuming inside, she watched him lean into the bookcase, draping his arm over the uppermost row of books the way she imagined he might have, at age fifteen, slung it over the back of his date's seat in a movie theater as a preliminary to working his way down to her shoulders. Five minutes slipped into ten before the woman glanced regretfully at her watch. She said something to Roger and was turning to go when he slipped her his business card. Surrept.i.tiously, it seemed to Daphne. Or was she just imagining the furtiveness with which it flickered between them before being swallowed up by the woman's navy Chanel bag? Daphne felt as if a car she was riding in had hit a pothole, jarring her so hard she could feel it in her tightly clenched jawbone. Was Roger working up to some sort of- Her mind refused to form the words, but the wave of panic spreading through her said it all. Even so ... an affair? Roger? It didn't seem likely. A fractured memory teased at the edges of her mindshe'd been what? Eight . . . nine?-of a dark room, perfumed fur tickling her cheek. There had been party sounds down the hall, and a couple silhouetted in the doorway . . . She wanted to cover her eyes now as she had then. Silly, she scolded herself. You're overreacting because you're upset with Roger. "Excuse me. Miss Seagrave?" Daphne looked up at the elderly woman who'd appeared before her, clutching a copy of her book. Small, gray, shopworn, she stood hunched over as if apologizing for taking up s.p.a.ce-the kind of person, Daphne suspected, who, when someone cut ahead of her in line, chose to remain silent rather than kick up a fuss. She glanced at the photo on the back, then back at Daphne, and sighed before reluctantly placing the book back on the pile. "It is you," she exclaimed, one hand fluttering to a cheek rosy with unaccustomed excitement. "Oh, heavens, I don't know what to say. I'm so honored to meet you! I've read every single one of your books. In fact," she leaned forward as if about to share some highly confidential piece of information, "I'd have to say you're my favorite author. Next to Iris Murdoch, that is." "Thank you." Daphne mustered a smile. "That's the nicest compliment I've gotten all evening." The woman glanced about, and for a stricken moment Daphne wondered if she was going to make mention of the fact that she was the only one paying her any compliments, but the enraptured fan only murmured, "I was afraid I'd be too late. That you'd leave as soon as the reading was over. But here you are. I'm Doris, by the way. Doris Wingate." "Nice to meet you," said Daphne, reaching across the table to shake a soft, shy hand. "Would you like me to autograph a book for you?" The color in Doris's cheeks deepened to an alarming shade of red. "Oh. Well. I didn't mean ... but, of course, how stupid of me, you're here to sell books. I wish . . . but, you see, I check everything out of the library." Anxious to relieve the poor woman's misery, Daphne confided in a low voice, "I know just what you mean. I get away to the library whenever I can. I have two kids, three and seven, and it can get a bit hectic around my house at times." The two women shared a knowing smile, and Daphne saw Doris's hunched shoulders relax ever so slightly. On impulse, she reached into the shoulder bag at her feet. From her wallet, she extracted two bills, a twenty and a five, which she then slipped into the topmost copy of Walking After Midnight. Scrawling a few words on the t.i.tle page, she handed it to Doris. "Here. This one's on me." The old woman stared in disbelief before slowly extending a trembling hand to accept what might as well have been the holy grail. "Oh. My. I don't know what n to say. This . . . this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." She looked as if she was about to cry. Daphne felt a wave of uneasy sympathy. Would she one day be reduced to this: an old woman grateful for any crumb tossed her way? Any small sign that she was worthy of notice, of time and money spent on her behalf? Someone like . . . Mother . . . She quickly brushed away the thought. Her mother wasn't like this woman at all. And neither was she. I'll talk to Roger. Let him know exactly how I feel. As soon as she was able to make her escape, and they were alone in the car, inching along the Long Island Expressway, Daphne confronted her husband. "Who was that woman I saw you talking to?" "What woman?" He flipped the turn signal, and eased into the next lane. "You seemed awfully friendly with one another." Roger flashed her a grin. "I don't believe it. You're jealous? Of Maryanne Patranka?" "Now we're getting somewhere." "She's the mother of a former patient. Haven't seen her in years." Roger drummed on the steering wheel, a nervous habit of his. He hadn't mentioned slipping Maryanne his card. If she was only a professional acquaintance, it wouldn't make sense, their staying in touch. Unless ... "You might have introduced me," she remarked coolly. "It would have been nice just to have the company. It wasn't as if I had anything better to do." "You sold one book, I noticed," he hedged. "That's something." Daphne didn't tell him the book had been a gift. She suddenly couldn't bear the idea of his knowing. Of appearing foolishly sentimental in his eyes. Even desperate. If she gave up any more ground than she already had, she'd be treading air. She stared out the window. The rain was still coming down hard. Watching it crawl in dark creeks across the windshield, she found herself thinking, perversely, not of tonight's betrayal, or the affair Roger might or might not be entering into, but of her satin dress and Roger's tux at the dry cleaner's waiting to be picked up. Before packing for their trip to California on Friday, she'd have Kyle, seven years old and growing like a weed, try on his trousers to see if they needed to be let down another inch. Oh yes, and check with her travel agent to make sure the rental car reserved for them in San Francisco 'was the four-door sedan she'd requested. She'd call Kitty, too, and ask if her sister would baby-sit the kids the afternoon of their parents' party, so she'd be free to help with any last-minute arrangements. This is your life, she thought. All the little routines and mundane plans piled like bricks, one atop the other, mortared together with caution to form a house even the big bad wolf couldn't blow down. A house strong enough to keep her from thinking about the life she could have had. With Johnny . . . Was that the reason she mistrusted Roger? Because she herself had so often felt guilty of being unfaithful, in mind if not in body? Did the real reason she was so angry at him for deserting her tonight boil down to the simple fact that all those years ago he wasn't the one she'd chosen? Rather, fate had chosen him for her. Let it go, Daphne. Her mother's voice, soothing as a cool hand against a hot forehead. Had Mother ever felt this way? G.o.d knew she'd put up with plenty. Daddy wasn't the easiest, not by a long shot. But they loved one another, truly and pa.s.sionately; she was convinced of it. Forty years . . . Whatever Daphne might have witnessed that long-ago night, crouched in the closet of her parents' bedroom, had to have been her imagination ... or an innocent embrace she'd somehow misinterpreted. And if not, Mother and Daddy had long since resolved any differences they might have had. While visiting last summer, Daphne had been amused, and yes, a little embarra.s.sed even, by the way her parents carried on after all these years. Her mother lighting up like a teenager when Daddy, who at sixty-seven continued to reign as chief pathologist of Miramonte General, arrived home at the end of each day. 14 "Traffic is really easing up," Roger remarked. 'We should be hitting the tunnel in a few minutes. I'll have us home in no time at all." Home. That was exactly where she wanted to be right now. But not their Park Avenue apartment. She yearned for her room upstairs in the house on Cypress Lane, lying on her bed gazing out the tall, salt-silvered window at the sun setting fire to the high gra.s.s along Agua Fria Point. Daphne saw herself walking up the front path trailed by her husband and children. Mother emerging from the shadows onto the porch steps with one hand cupped over her eyes to shade them from the bright sun, the other pressed to her heart as if half expecting bad news of some kind. And Daddy, accustomed to the kind that usually ended with a body on a stainless-steel table in the hospital morgue, would be there to give her a quick, hard embrace before holding her at arm's length to exclaim gruffly, "You made it. Good." Tonight, riding up in the elevator alongside Roger to their penthouse on the twenty-fourth floor, Daphne was flooded with relief, an irrational sense of having narrowly averted some unseen disaster. She felt foolish all of a sudden, imagining that a few minutes of embarra.s.sment in a bookstore was the end of the world. That Roger slipping some woman his card spelled an affair. She ought to be grateful, grateful, for the life she had. Her husband, and two beautiful children. Her parents, neither of whom showed any sign of succ.u.mbing to old age. Her sister, Kitty. And yes, even Alex. Yet the moment she walked in to find their baby-sitter on the phone wearing a troubled look, some deep instinct told Daphne that she hadn't averted a disaster after all, that whatever it was, she was about to receive some very bad news. She felt it in her gut . . . even before Susie held out the receiver to her as if it were a small, vicious animal that might bite, offering in a queer, hollow voice, "It's your sister. She sounds really upset." Kitty. And she wasn't merely upset. She was hysterical, gasping for breath between sobs, barely able to speak. And even when Daphne began to grasp what 15 Kitty was saying, it made no sense. No sense at all. Her sister's words were like the rain dribbling down the darkened window she faced with the receiver pressed hotly to her ear. "Daddy. It's Daddy," Kitty cried from three thousand miles away. "Mother sh-sh-shot him. The police. Took her away. Come now, Daphne. We need you."

Chapter 2.

As the sun rose on the Monday that would be remembered in years to come as the watershed that severed her family's history into Before and After, Kitty Seagrave was kneading dough for cinnamon sticky buns. Her parents' fortieth anniversary was this coming weekend, and she'd volunteered to bake the cake, a triple-layer Lady Baltimore, for the gala Mother and Daddy were throwing at the club. Only now it occurred to her that she'd forgotten to order extra eggs and b.u.t.ter. Like so much else over the past week or so, it had simply slipped her mind. Kitty was ashamed to realize she hadn't given her parents, or the party, more than a pa.s.sing thought. And that wasn't like her. Not the Kitty Seagrave who gave out tins of homemade cookies at Christmas, and remembered every family birthday with a card and a gift. The Kitty who doted on her nieces and nephew, and seldom failed to carry out her role as dutiful daughter-a role inscribed in stone that had less to do with the real Kitty than either of her parents might imagine. But how could she concentrate on anything when, running through her head-endlessly, maddeningly, like those continuous loops on airport TVs-was the introduction scheduled for later today? This afternoon she was to meet the sixteen-year-old girl who held the power either to crush her ... or offer the gift of a lifetime. Standing at the flour-dusted butcher block that formed the hub of her roomy old-fashioned kitchen, her heart beating high and fast in her chest, Kitty glanced at the round clock on the wall. In exactly nine hours and thirtysix minutes, I'll be face-to-face with the mother of my future child, she thought. If all went well . . . But what if the girl took one look and ran in the other direction? Kitty was well aware of how she might appear to someone who didn't know her-a single woman living alone with her pets, a Miramonte earth mama with just enough good sense to have turned her homespun talents into something she could make money at: a tea salon supplied by baked goods from her own kitchen. In short, someone you'd be happy to have baby-sit your children . . . but not necessarily to raise them. Should she have packed up the seash.e.l.ls and bits of worn, pitted gla.s.s lining the windowsills of her rooms upstairs? Folded away the fringed silk shawl draped over the bentwood rocker? Taken down the piatas that hung from the gabled ceiling like bright, oversize fruit? Would it make a difference? She doubted it. Some things you can change, she thought. Others are as much a part of you as the texture of your skin or the timbre of your laugh. What Kitty saw reflected in the mirror each morning when she rose shortly before dawn was a thirty-six-year-old woman whose appearance had changed remarkably little in the decades since she herself had been a teenager. Other than a certain youthful l.u.s.ter that had begun to fade, like an old satin pillow rubbed to a dull sheen, she was essentially the same Kitty Seagrave who'd harbored a wild crush on her sister Daphne's boyfriend, and once, on a dare, waltzed into a drugstore in her nightgown to buy the June issue of Mademoiselle. A creature of habit who wore her waist-length ginger hair exactly as she had in high school: a feathery cascade anch.o.r.ed at each temple with a tortoisesh.e.l.l comb. And who weighed not an ounce more or less back then-just under a hundred pounds in her stocking feet-a lucky throw of the genetic dice she shared with Daphne, but which drove their younger sister, Alex, who was constantly watching her waistline, nearly insane with jealousy. Her eyes were the one feature most often remarked on: a blue so deep they were almost purple, the dusky shade of damson plums. A former boyfriend had once said they made him think of swimming at night in the 18 Old Sashmill Road Reservoir out near Route 32. She supposed it was a compliment. ^ The fact was Kitty didn't particularly care how she looked. Year after year, the winds of fashion blew past her virtually unnoticed. She wore only what was comfortable-loose cotton tops and drawstring pants, handknit sweaters in natural hues, silk kimono tops that fluttered like b.u.t.terfly wings when she gestured exuberantly, which she was p.r.o.ne to do. And the one pair of shoes she practically lived in served no purpose other than to save her from having to hobble about in agony after endless hours on her feet: Naot sandals that, let's face it, gave her the look of a retro seventies Peace Corps volunteer. Oh please, let her like me, Kitty prayed, squeezing her eyes shut for just a moment, and bringing her floury hands to rest on the dough mounded in front of her. Let her see how much I have to give. Because what was so perfectly clear to Kitty might not be to a perfect stranger: that this baby would be more than a way to fill the cavity in her heart; it would be a bright halo about a life already rich and bountiful. She drove a fist into the dough, sending a gust of flour spinning up into the pale light that slanted in through the windows. Out back, where Harbor Lane sloped down toward the ocean, the fog clung stubbornly to the houses descending in a crooked staircase to the ghostly thicket of the marina. But higher up where her house sat, it was much thinner, like moisture evaporating from a chilled gla.s.s. Under the warm kiss of the rising sun, her garden sparkled as if freshly polished-the tangle of jasmine and honeysuckle and nasturtium along the fence, the thyme and rosemary bordering her small brick patio, the Meyer trees that provided an endless supply of lemons for tarts, cakes, tea breads, and pies, not to mention gallons of lemonade. This was what she loved best about Miramonte, what she could offer a child: a house by the seash.o.r.e, where it was seasonable year-round except during the coldest winter months, when the wind sneaked in like a heartless intruder around the loose panes and fog-buckled door frames of the post-Victorian homes originally built for summer use along Oceanside Avenue. Kitty could see her daughter (she was convinced, for reasons that had nothing to do with preference, the baby would be a girl) curled up with her on the old plush sofa in the bay window upstairs, cradling mugs of hot cocoa in which marshmallows bobbed like tiny buoys. Her gaze fell on the doghouse that stood abandoned beneath an arthritic loquat in need of pruning. Even from here, she could make out the shallow crater worn in the gra.s.s by her old chocolate lab's endless doggie circling. When Buster died last year, she hadn't immediately replaced him with a puppy, as her friends had strongly urged. Instead, she'd taken under her wing the pair of stray kittens she found curled up one morning on a sc.r.a.p of old blanket inside his doghouse. Or maybe it was the other way around: Fred and Ethel had adopted her. Traipsing after her as if she were their mother, springing onto her lap whenever she sat down--once when she was on the toilet--even crawling up into her hair and attempting to nurse on her earlobes. Then six months ago, when Ivan announced out of the blue that he was moving to Santa Fe, she'd received a second consolation prize: a sweet-natured Samoyedshepherd mix named Romulus. Her boyfriend had given the excuse that his dog's thick fur would be a misery to him in the baking heat of the Southwest. And Kitty, knowing an attack of eleventh-hour guilt when she saw one-even in someone as self-centered as Ivan-had refrained from pointing out that Santa Fe was high desert, where it snowed in winter. What good would it have done for him to know she'd have been far more brokenhearted to let go of Rommie? Kitty could see her dog out back now, his thick gray Elizabethan ruff bristling as he busily investigated something lurking under the toolshed. One of the cats, no doubt. Rommie was like a truant officer, the way he chased after those two. But with children he was as gentle as a kitten himself. Her baby wouldn't lack for companionship. Watching his black muzzle surface in triumph with its 20 prize-an ancient mud-encrusted tennis ball-she felt the corner of her mouth lift in a smile. Then she remembered what lay ahead . . . and her anxiety came rushing back in with a suddenness that left her breathless, as if someone had sneaked up behind and given her ap.r.o.n strings a good hard yank. With a sigh, Kitty plopped the now thoroughly pummeled dough in a ceramic bowl to rise. She'd long since given up trying to gauge how much to make. No matter how many trays came out of the oven, they were always picked cleaned by midmorning. Her cinnamon sticky buns, it seemed, had developed an almost cultlike following. She'd even heard it rumored that the recipe was a closely guarded secret, pa.s.sed down through the generations of Seagrave women who'd made their home here, all the way back to the mid-1800s, to Kitty's great-greatgrandmother, Agatha Rose. But there was no secret to Kitty's baking. Had she been pressed to name a magic ingredient, she'd have said simply: patience. Taking the time to nurture each batch of dough and letting it rise in a quiet warm place. Knowing it was a form of respect and, yes, affection even, toward those who would savor the end result. Another word for it, she supposed, was love. But that would sound corny. And maybe even a little foolish. Kitty covered the bowl with a damp towel, then without pausing to rest, began measuring out flour and sugar for m.u.f.fins. No time to obsess about things over which she had no control; she had a business to run, hungry customers who would soon be showing up at her door. Briskly, she stepped around Fred, the largest of the two calicoes, asleep on the braided rug by the stove, to fill her ap.r.o.n with eggs from the basket atop the antique pie safe. The eggs were delivered twice a week, every Sat.u.r.day and Wednesday, packed in layers of straw by a brussels sprout farmer who tended a few acres up near Pescadero. Every so often, Salvadore, whom she suspected of having a minor crush on her, threw in for free a stewing hen he claimed was too stringy to sell . . . but which always cooked up tender and delicious. She wondered what the poor man might think if he knew how often she'd fantasized about his offering instead one of the fawn-colored children who peeked with shy brown eyes from the cab of his battered pickup. When the m.u.f.fin batter was loosely mixed, she divided it into three smaller bowls. Into the first she tossed handfuls of chopped apples and walnuts. Into the other two went frozen blueberries and peaches left over from last summer's harvest. By now she knew how many of each kind to bake so that no one went away disappointed. Only the pumpkin-cranberry m.u.f.fins she made at Thanksgiving and Christmas, from sugar pumpkins she picked and roasted herself, flew out of here faster than she could keep up with. Kitty marveled at the popularity of her tea room. Four years ago, armed with little more than a bright idea and the need to augment her kindergarten teacher's salary, she couldn't have foreseen that this place would evolve into a local inst.i.tution of sorts. A watering hole where neighbors met to strategize about a traffic light they were circulating a pet.i.tion for . . . and the Ladies' Garden Society gathered to plan their annual begonia festival. Where town councilmen and church deacons and doctors rubbed elbows with minimum-wage workers from the tannery, and children trooped in after school for something to sweeten their walk home. Here, professors from the university found solace and civilized company away from pierced tongues and purple hair. And young lovers traced their initials in steamy windows. Kitty knew of several marriage proposals that had been made under this roof. And who could forget the Ogilvies' tearful breakup last winter after Everett Ogilvie confessed to his wife of fourteen years that he was in love with their Finnish au pair? Yet the concept behind Tea & Sympathy was so simple that when people called it a stroke of genius, Kitty had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. The idea had come to her in the most mundane way possible-while eating lunch in the staff room of Miramonte Elementary. Nibbling on a stale Fig Newton, she'd idly mused about how much she missed her grandmother's icebox cookies. 22 Where had they gone, she'd wondered, all those remembered treats from childhood? Baked goods as heartwarming as they were toothsome, that you didn't need a culinary degree and a half a day to prepare. What insidious plot had succeeded in abolishing them from cupboards and cookie jars where they'd once reigned supreme? That was six years ago. She'd been just shy of her thirtieth birthday, an age when most people begin to wonder if it might be worth taking a second look at life's map to see if they're headed in the right direction. Kitty was no exception. Fired with inspiration, she set off in search of Nana's old cookbooks, conveniently packed away in a box in her parents' attic. Several months and dozens of trials later, armed with tentative orders from a handful of restaurants and delis, she had gone about re-creating a sort of fifties-style kitchen. In the beginning, yes, her more sophisticated friends had laughed. Pineapple upside-down cake? Apple brown Betty? Rice Krispies treats? That wasn't what people wanted these days, they'd said. Black bottom pie had gone out with Hula Hoops and backyard bomb shelters. Kitty had merely smiled and gone about filling her orders, which soon swelled to a flood. In two years' time, she'd saved enough to open her own business, and had lucked onto this house, commercially zoned and only two streets from downtown's main shopping street. Now there was only one thing missing in her life. With a mighty effort, Kitty once again pushed thoughts of today's meeting aside. There was plenty to do still before Willa arrived to stock the counter out front-apples to peel, nuts to chop, lemons to squeeze. And, really, she reasoned with herself, would it be so terrible if her life went on just as it was? She loved what she did. She loved just leafing through the stained, dog-eared pages of her mother's and grandmother's cookbooks, Fannie Farmer and Betty Crocker, from a more innocent time, before it became fashionable to list carbs and fat grams, when all of life had seemed as simple and straightforward as a blueberry buckle warm from the oven. She cherished most those recipes 23. turned to so often they'd come loose from their binding-banana-nut bread, oatmeal cake with broiled coconut topping, mola.s.ses crinkles. Her own specialties were pies and turnovers filled with whatever fruit was in season locally-strawberries and rhubarb in the spring; peach, apricot, and plum in summer; raspberries and loganberries in the fall. During the winter months, when her mainstays were apples and pears, her mother's home-canned peaches brought relief from the endless peeling and slicing. Mother. I really ought to give her a call, Kitty thought with a twinge of guilt. Lately, though, whenever she reached for the phone, something always seemed to come up. Or maybe that was just an excuse. She loved her mother, honestly she did, but . . . But. Why did every sentence or thought beginning with her mother seemed to end with a "but"? Mother never pushed. She would always cluck in sympathy when told you were too busy to come . . . but the next minute she'd be on the phone to Alex or Daphne, declaring bravely and at great length that Kitty had her own life, her own plans, just as it should be. And, oh Lord, those Sunday dinners up at the house. However little she ate, Kitty was constipated for a week. Maybe what she was full of, up to her eyeb.a.l.l.s, was the sticky sweetness of it all-the image of them all as this picture-perfect family that Mother served up with such gusto. Wearied by the mere prospect of what lay ahead-the party with its endless round of toasts, and her parents basking in the glow of all that admiration, and yes, envy, too--she stopped stirring and brought her wooden spoon to rest against the countertop. An old memory flutterkicked to the surface. From out of nowhere, she had a sudden clear image of Daddy lining them all up for a camera shot in front of the lodge at Lake Modoc. They'd been on the road for hours, she recalled, and it was approaching dark. Their warm jackets still packed away, they'd stood shivering in the deepening shadows of the pines as Daddy arranged them according to height, with Daphne, the tallest at thirteen, wedged between her and Mother, and Alex at the tail end. He'd 24 insisted on shot after shot, complaining that someone had blinked or wasn't smiling, until they were all freezing and close to tears. Afterward, they'd unpacked, and her father had driven them into town where they'd stuffed their faces at an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord, with Daddy ordering rounds of Shirley Temples and telling funny stories throughout supper. By the end of it, she and Daphne and Alex were scrambling over each other for the privilege of sitting next to him on the drive back. The pictures, though-the four them huddled together, a frozen quartet of squinched eyes and cheeseeating grins-they hadn't lied. It wasn't the real story, of course, only a facet of it. The real story of their family was made up of dozens of such facets, like those in a diamond that glitters brightly but is hard enough to cut gla.s.s. She'd call home tonight, Kitty decided. She hadn't told her family about Heather. She hadn't wanted to jinx anything. But if today's meeting went well, Mother would know soon enough. She'd wonder, too, why Kitty had waited so long to say something. And if things didn't turn out as Kitty hoped? Something in her chest squeezed into a hard fist. I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it, she told herself. Either way, she ought to see if Mother needed help with any last-minute details-something, she hoped, she and Daphne could do together. All at once Kitty couldn't wait to see her older sister. Of course, she could do without Roger, whom she found overbearing, but her sister was the best, and Daphne's children precious beyond belief. When they visited last summer, Kitty had made a batch of cookie dough just for Kyle and Jennie, which they'd decorated with sprinkles and colored stars and bits of candied fruit. She wished it were as uncomplicated as that with her sister. But even with Daphne-the only person in the world who knew Kitty had slept with her English teacher the night of her high school graduation-she had to tiptoe around certain subjects. Roger, for one. And their parents . . . well, that was the biggest blind spot of all. 25. There was a reason Daphne lived in New York, Kitty thought darkly. Being three thousand miles away was easier than having to run from hard truths close to home. "Something sure smells good!" Kitty turned to find Willa standing outside the open back door, prying a ratty sneaker from one foot while hopping about one-legged on the other. When the shoe was off, she turned it upside down and gave it a good smack, dumping a small river of sand over the porch railing. Kitty smiled at the same dopey greeting her helper called out every morning, and the fact that Willa never arrived without bringing a piece of the outdoors with her-if not sand, then clots of mud, or snips of mown gra.s.s. For weeks every spring, the kitchen's rust-colored tiles bore faint golden tracks of pollen from the acacias that lined the narrow dirt roads out where Willa lived, about ten miles north of town in Barranco, a community commonly (and rudely, in Kitty's opinion) referred to as Flipville, due to its large concentration of Filipino farmworkers. But the girl was so hardworking and good-natured Kitty never complained. She watched as Willa snagged one of the ap.r.o.ns that hung from a row of wooden pegs by the door, then began the morning ritual of winding her waist-length black hair into a knot at the nape of her neck. "Wan' me do 'ose app-uhs?" she mumbled around a mouthful of bobby pins, jerking her head toward the wooden box of Granny Smiths on the floor outside the walk-in pantry. Kitty nodded, and the girl grinned as if she'd been awarded some sort of prize. At nineteen, Willamene Aquino tipped the scales at two hundred forty pounds-more than twice Kitty's weight-and had already borne two babies by two different men. Yet life was good as far as Willa was concerned. Her mother, with whom she lived, took care of the children while Willa worked. And Kitty sent her home each day with sacks of fruit, and whatever baked goods were left. She saw no reason not to smile. 26 Eileen Gouage It was a cheerful disposition not even the grumpiest customer could shake. Willa was the only person Kitty knew who actually whistled while she worked. She lived to talk, too--nonstop chatter that at times drove Kitty a little crazy. Not so much because she found it distracting . . . but because Willa seemed to have only one interest besides her two little boys, whom she adored: men. ". . . He's got this cute little birthmark, shaped like a heart, right there." She paused in the midst of peeling an apple to press a finger into one cheek of her ample behind. "I'm always razing him about it, and man, you should see how red he gets; I'm serious, big tough dude with a tattoo . . . like, what, I'm gonna tell his buddies or something? That's Frankie for you, just a big old teddy bear. Know what he did last night? See if you can guess. Brought me a bunch of flowers he picked himself. Who cares they're from a vacant lot, it's the thought that counts . . . Whew, is it hot in here, or what? Did somebody turn up the heat? It feels like a hundred degrees!" That was another thing: Willa was always too hot. Usually, Kitty just cracked a window, then threw on a sweater if it got too chilly. Today, she propped open the door that led to the front room, where any minute now her morning regulars were due to arrive. Josie Hendricks was the first to make her entrance, just as Kitty and Willa were filling the baskets that lined the marble counter out front-a vintage soda fountain, complete with bra.s.s spigots, that Kitty had salvaged from the old Newberry on Water Street when it was being torn down. "Good morning, ladies." The elderly woman, a retired schoolteacher, paused to plant her rubber-tipped cane inside the doorway before hitching herself over the threshold. "Glad to see you fixed that squeak. Did you use WD-40 like I told you?" Josie, in her mideighties, got around fairly well for someone nearly crippled with arthritis, but lately had become fairly obsessed with all the little repairs she couldn't seem to keep from pointing out-squeaky 27. hinges and wobbly chair legs, the window that stuck, the crack in the ceiling, the porch railing that could use a coat of paint. "Worked like a charm," Kitty told her. Actually, what she'd used was plain old sewing machine oil, but what was the harm in a little white lie? She watched Josie ease into a chair at her favorite table by the window, and cast a sharp glance about the room. Jerking a crabbed finger toward a corner of the ceiling where the flowered wallpaper had begun to peel away, she warned, "Let the little things slip, and before long you're looking at big headaches. Trust me, I know." Kitty merely smiled, and brought Josie the tray that was waiting for her on the counter. The old woman showed up every morning like clockwork at five past seven, and always had the same thing: a peach m.u.f.fin, and a pot of Darjeeling tea brewed strong enough, in her words, "to slice with a bread knife." The bell over the front door tinkled again, followed by a gust of cool, damp air. Leanne Chapman, in her nurse's whites, sidled past Bud Jarvis, who'd paused to wipe his muddy boots on the doormat. They both ordered m.u.f.fins to go. A single blueberry for Leanne, on her way home from the night shift at Miramonte General, and an a.s.sorted dozen for Bud, heading off to his job as foreman at the tannery. "Don't I wish I had it as good as you," Leanne remarked with a dry laugh as Kitty was counting out her change. "Just like home ec all over again, huh?" She thought she detected a flicker of resentment in Leanne's weary blue eyes. As if what Kitty did wasn't real work! Only loyalty to her sister Alex, Leanne's best friend since the first grade, kept her from saying anything. Besides, she supposed Leanne had reason to be bitter with an ex-husband who'd run out on her when she was pregnant, and a child who was hopelessly brain damaged. Kitty knew from Alex that Leanne was only barely making ends meet. Who wouldn't resent someone better off? It was Kitty's theory that just as there are those who 28 are born with silver spoons in their mouths, more than a few could make the opposite claim: that they'd been short-sheeted at birth. Leanne, she suspected, fell into the latter category. The kid who'd tagged along on her family's excursions and spent more time at their house than at her own; who was forced to spend summers in Iowa with her father rather than at the beach like everyone else her age. In school, no matter how hard she studied, Leanne had never gotten higher than a B minus. And the one time she'd let a boy go a little too far, Stu Harding had spread it all over campus that Leanne Chapman was "easy." And that was before her real problems had started. You wouldn't know it to look at her, though. Leanne was still pretty in a washed-out sort of way, with the same don't-mess-with-me walk: elbows tucked in against her sides, with her head c.o.c.ked slightly to one side as if to keep an eye out for anything that might trip her up. It wasn't until she was halfway out the door that Kitty remembered to ask, "By the way, how's the Ferguson baby doing?" Leanne paused to push a wisp of strawberry blond hair from her forehead. "Poor thing. He's having trouble breathing on his own," she said. "We've got him on a respirator, but it doesn't look good." Her expression softened, and Kitty was reminded of the little girl whose knees had been perpetually scabbed from falling off her bike while swerving to avoid every beetle and snake and land crab crossing the road. It was no accident Leanne had decided to become a nurse. "Poor Carole. She must be a basket case." Carole Ferguson had been in Kitty's cla.s.s at Muir High-one of the cheerleaders, the kind of girl you wouldn't in a million years imagine something like this happening to. "Soon as I get a chance, I'll drop by, bring her something for the freezer." Kitty couldn't help thinking of the baby that might soon be hers and felt a quickening in her rib cage, just below her heart. Her mind flew back to the day Cybill Rathwich had taken her aside, saying she'd heard Kitty was looking to adopt. Kitty wasn't sure how to respond at first. Her 29. regular customers were doing their best to be supportive, but so far had only succeeded in making things worse. Professor Ogden claimed to have seen her in a dream, waving to him from a Rose Bowl float with a baby in her arms. Josie Hendricks asked why she didn't just adopt an older child. Father Sebastian gently suggested she try artificial insemination. What none of them knew, what was too painful for her to talk about, was how long and hard she'd been trying already. For years, all through her late twenties and early thirties, with a succession of lovers, hoping to get pregnant . . . only to have her hopes dashed each month. Then the endless round of tests in doctors' offices, where she'd been told the chances of her conceiving were remote. And more recently, weeding through a series of adoption agencies before finally arriving at two that had no objection to placing a single woman on their waiting list-as long as she understood it might be years before her name came up. And now here was Cybill, with her chapped hands and square, unadorned face, gazing serenely at her like someone offering the world wrapped in a plain brown parcel. Not just another well-meaning soul handing out unwanted advice, but the local midwife. Cybill said she knew someone-an unwed teenager, six months pregnant-who was thinking of giving her baby up for adoption. Was Kitty interested? Standing there, her arms trembling with the weight of a tray holding a wedge of banana bread and a pot of lemon-verbena tea, Kitty had given the only answer possible. "Yes," she'd breathed. "Oh, yes." The girl's name was Heather, and she had no intention of marrying the boy who'd knocked her up. There was only one catch: she wouldn't be rushed into making a decision. First, before she would even agree to meet with Kitty, Heather had to know something about her. At Cybill's suggestion, Kitty put together a sc.r.a.pbook, complete with photos. She wrote about her house-the tea salon that occupied what had once been the living and dining rooms, and the second floor she used as her living quarters, with its guest room that could be converted 30 into a nursery. She wrote a short, funny description of each of her pets: Byron, her Amazon parrot, who did a pretty fair rendition of "Pop Goes the Weasel" and could chew his way through a lamp cord faster than you could bite off the end of a hot dog; her calico cats that hadn't yet caught on to the fact that they weren't people; and Rommie, the amazing wonder dog, capable of leaping tall fences in a single bound. What she didn't say was how desperately she wanted this baby. What could a sixteen-year-old girl know of this need that was like a slow starvation of the soul? Heather couldn't have experienced the yearning that would overtake Kitty sometimes while in the arms of a lover, causing her to tilt her hips so as to catch his seed, the whole time praying that this time it would take? She would be thirty-seven in July. The last time she'd lain with a man was six months ago, the day Ivan strapped his drafting table to the roof of his Chevy Suburban, and took off for New Mexico. This might be her only chance. Kitty thought once again of Leanne's poor little boy .. . and of Carole Ferguson's premature infant fighting for its life. I'm fighting for a life, too, she thought. Because wasn't no child at all a kind of death? Work was the only thing that kept her from going crazy. Staying so busy she barely had time to think of anything except keeping the orders straight, and making enough m.u.f.fins and cakes and pies to go around. By nine, every table in the s.p.a.cious front room was occupied, thirteen in all-a baker's dozen. And like her m.u.f.fins, no two tables alike. A Victorian oak pedestal nestled beside the delicate draw leaf she'd inherited from Nana. A pine trestle that seated eight stretched alongside a sixties maple dinette. There was even an old Singer sewing cabinet refashioned into a quaint scrolllegged table for two. The overall effect, Kitty decided, was more eccentric than eclectic, but it worked somehow. Kitty waved h.e.l.lo to Gladys Honeick, proprietress of Glad Tide-ins, the beachwear shop two doors down. Gladys, a shapely henna-haired divorcee who'd seen the 31. better side of fifty, liked to joke that these days any man she could get to sleep with her would need a gla.s.s of water by the bed to hold his teeth. She appeared not to have noticed that Mac MacArthur, editor in chief of the Miramonte Mirror, always happened to show up around the time she usually did. Along with having all his teeth, Mac had buried two wives rumored to have been worn out trying to keep up with him. Gladys, she suspected, wouldn't have any trouble in that department. Then there was Father Sebastian, his curly dark head tucked low, a pencil poised over a folded-over section of newspaper containing today's crossword puzzle. In another lifetime, the priest had been a resident of the Bonny Brae Youth Facility-before he decided to clean up his act and enter the local Jesuit seminary. But even in his black shirt and dog collar, he wasn't entirely free of old vices. Father Sebastian once confessed to Kitty with a wink that a world without horse racing and her rum-pecan tarts wouldn't be worth living in. Kitty usually stopped to chat with the priest, but on this particular morning she found herself gravitating toward Serena Featherstone instead. Serena sat at a table in the far window, studying the tarot cards spread out on the table in front of her. Without looking up, she intoned ominously, "I see great disappointment ahead." Kitty nearly jumped. Could this woman actually predict the future? Serena, with her long black hair and Indian cheekbones certainly looked the part. Then she noticed the smile peeking out from one corner of Serena's wide mouth. "My sticky bun." Serena lifted her crinkled brown eyes to meet Kitty's startled gaze. "Willa must have forgotten. And if I don't get one before they're all gone, I'll be very disappointed." "Hang on." Kitty hurried off, returning a moment later with a fat walnut-sprinkled bun oozing melted brown-sugar topping. Serena gave a rueful laugh. "I know," she said. "It doesn't go with my image. My clients like to picture me living off herb tea and rice cakes." "Speaking of which, you ready for a refill?" Kitty removed 32 Eileen Goudge the top of Serena's flowered teapot, and peered inside. The perfumed scent of Earl Grey came wafting up at her. "No, thanks. I have enough here to keep me in tea leaves." Serena indicated the still-full cup at her elbow, adding with a wink, "You could tempt me with another sticky bun, though. I'm only human, after all." Kitty was turning to go when she suddenly thought to ask, "Do you have many? Clients, that is." "You'd be surprised, though not many will admit to it." Serena flipped a sheaf of black hair threaded with gray over one shoulder, and regarded Kitty intently. "What about you? Ever been curious about what the future holds?" Kitty wasn't sure. Until now, she'd never really given it much thought. "I guess that would depend on whether it was good or bad," she ventured. Abruptly, Serena pushed her plate aside, and reached for Kitty's hand. Peering into her palm, she frowned and said, "One thing's for sure: you're going to fall in love, very soon, and this time for real. Those others . . . they weren't for keeps." Kitty smiled to herself. Wasn't that what they all said? "What about children?" Despite her natural skepticism, Kitty felt her heart begin to race. "I see a child. Just one . . . only . . . there's some sort of complication." Serena's frown deepened as she gently rotated Kitty's hand this way and that-as if it were a rudder she was using to guide them to a distant, and possibly unfriendly sh.o.r.e. "What?" Kitty breathed. The psychic shook her head, the ends of her long coa.r.s.e hair tickling the inside of Kitty's forearm. "It's strange . . . I've never seen anything quite like it . . ." When she glanced up, there was a strange, almost guilty look in her tea-colored eyes-like someone who's unwittingly pulled the cork from the genie's bottle, and now wants to jam it back in. "Look, are you sure you want to hear this?" Kitty thought for a moment, then said, "Yes. I'm sure." 33. "I see a death in the family. Very imminent." Serena hastened to add, "Someone close to you." She glanced up sharply, slashes of color standing out on her high cheekbones. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you. When it's bad news, I usually keep it to myself." "Please." Kitty began to shiver, not at all certain what she was pleading for. Mercy? Or more details? Serena