Once And Forever: Virtually Impossible Part 25

33.

Andi I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt no inclination to turn on my computer, check my messages, and work for a couple of hours. Maybe it was due to all the times Hayden and I had 'connected' last night and this morning. So I stayed in bed, dozing, until I heard him curse. Not from next to me, like he should've been, but from the kitchen. Where he shouldn't have been. I jumped out of bed, threw on my robe and went to go find him before he found out anything about me I should've already told him.

I suck. How could I have slept with him before doing the whole confession-I'm-not-who-you-think-I-am thing? What kind of person did that? A selfish one. A scared-as-h.e.l.l one. One who wished there were a way to not have a past at all, and just live in the moment. Wasn't that the advice shrinks gave-don't live in the past and all that s.h.i.t. And, here I was, doing it again-except this time, I was dragging someone amazing down with me.

"Hey!" I got to the kitchen just as he poured two cups of coffee into the sink.

"I'm not coming back here again-"

I inhaled.

"-without a decent coffee maker. I can't even bring myself to call this coffee." He grimaced. "Let's go out to breakfast."

"You're not my only client, you know. It's Monday. I have to get some stuff done." Like sitting down and figuring out a way to explain all my lies in a way that wouldn't make him hate me. That kind of s.h.i.t took focus-something that was hard to come by while he was within groping distance. Speaking of...I removed my finger that had somehow found its way to his abs, tracing the little squares that intensified every time he exhaled.

He nodded silently. "I'm moving too quickly, aren't I?"

"You? No. Well..." No, but last night had. "This is all a little unexpected. And there's a lot we need to talk about."

"I'm not sure what you do when you go to a restaurant with someone, but I tend to fit in some talking as well as eating." He ran his fingers through his normally slick and perfect hair, messing it up even more perfectly. "And I'm fairly sure I can keep my hands off you through most of it."

Ugh. "I can't go out with someone who looks like they just got out of bed."

"Since I wouldn't want to embarra.s.s you..." He slipped his arms around me and picked me up. "Let's jump in the shower. Then you can take out someone who looks like he can't wait to go back to bed."

Shockingly, he got both of us into the bathroom without smacking my feet or my head into any walls. He set me down and turned on the shower. Thirty seconds later, he stepped into it and shivered. Maybe rich people's water actually did get hot while they watched it.

"You must really be in a hurry to get that coffee," I said, laughing.

"Actually, I'm really in a hurry to see you naked and wet. So..."

"You saw me naked and wet all night long." As he groaned, I wiggled my eyebrows, shrugging my robe off one shoulder and rolling it. Then I heard the doorbell. "Oh, s.h.i.t." I tied my robe back up tightly and shut the shower curtain on his disappointed expression. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

Smiling, I opened the front door, expecting to see my mailman or UPS or someone with a big package of something I'd probably ordered and paid for myself. But packages, in any shape or size, were always fun. Could this day get any better?

Why yes. Yes, it definitely could. When I saw Detective Williams standing there, all my positivity disappeared.

"Andi." He nodded. "I'm going to have to ask you to come down to the station tomorrow afternoon."

"What for?" I asked, gnawing at my lip and wrapping the belt of my robe around my hands. I let it go when I realized how close it felt to being cuffed.

"You know what for. We have a few people we're looking at, and...." I was one of the 'few' people. "Did you find yourself a lawyer?"

"I'm working on it." But I wasn't. Not really. Maybe because things had been going so well. I'd just sent out a large number of checks to the people I'd hurt years ago, I had amazing friends, and Hayden was soaping himself up in my shower as we spoke. I should've known it was all about to crumble.

"Time's up."

I'm not sure how long I stood there blankly staring. The detective's face blurred as I tried to get my head around this horror. It was bad enough being brought up on charges for something I did without meaning to. Turned out that being a suspect in something I didn't do was way worse. But I didn't fight it-I hadn't done this wrong, but I'd done so much other s.h.i.t. Knowingly. What was that cliche about just desserts? And why did I suddenly have a donut craving?

"I didn't have anything to do with it, Detective. They can't possibly be that far down the list of suspects yet." Since I'd seen how the detective had put all the pieces together in the last case, I figured the same thing would happen with this one-and in about the same amount of time. Cybercrimes took a lot longer to investigate than others because of the subtle differences in each hacker's signature. It couldn't have been done in just a week.

"I don't know what to tell you, other than I think it would be a good idea for you to...make a statement so they can move on to other people." His hesitation before the word was tiny, nonexistent to anyone who'd never been in trouble before. I heard it with perfect clarity. He'd been about to say 'be interrogated,' and that was an entirely different thing. But I trusted him, and heaven knows my paranoia could get the better of me, so I'd take him at his word for now.

He wanted me to make a statement. Which only meant that someone would ask me a couple of questions, and I'd answer them. At least, I had my story straight, so my friends wouldn't get in trouble. I'd be as helpful as I could be, which wasn't at all helpful because I really didn't know anything about the crime. But once they'd ruled me out, they could go find the person who really did it.

"I'll let you go before you run out of hot water."

I blinked him back into focus. "Huh?"

"Hot water. Your shower's on, isn't it?"

Oh f.u.c.k. Hayden. "Yeah, I should go take care of that," I mumbled. "Thanks."

He nodded stiffly, obviously not expecting me to thank him for stopping by.

"Oh, s.h.i.t." When the detective's eyes bulged at something he saw over my shoulder, I knew exactly what he'd seen. Hayden's cursed apology only verified it. "You two are-"

"Okay, bye." I slammed the door in the detective's face and spun around.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know he was...I got impatient." Hayden blew out a breath. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine." I kept my gaze on the purple towel wrapped around his hips. I didn't have the guts to look him in the eye. He was just something else I didn't deserve, and the sooner he realized that, the better. For him. "That was...um..."

"Officer Williams."

"Detective," I corrected. "Do you know him?" Great. Great. Great.

"Not too well. He tried to help my family when I was a teenager. Nice guy."

"Yeah, he's great." Great. Great. Great. "Seemed great anyway in the two seconds I spoke with him. Right then."

He waited, not asking the very obvious question: Why did a cop just knock on your door?

So I didn't ask the other very obvious question: Why did your family need a cop's help?

There's no such thing as a lie. Singular. Because as soon as someone lied once, inevitably, they would be forced to lie again. And again. And again. Until their life was filled with more lies than truths. And every day felt heavy and miserable because it took so much d.a.m.n energy to maintain all of them.

"s.h.i.t. I just remembered that I'm supposed to be somewhere in, like, twenty minutes." I picked up my sloth-ish pace so the comment made sense, even though my body fought me on it, wanting to curl up in bed, close my eyes, and pretend this life had never happened. But first, I had to get rid of the most incredible man I'd ever met.

When he took me by the waist and pulled my back to his chest, the warmth and dampness of his body seeped through my robe, and I almost lost it. I almost let everything go, spilled all my sins, my lies, my mistakes. Almost. But I knew that as soon as I did-if I could even get the words to leave my mouth-he would disappear. And even though it was for the best and it would happen eventually anyway, I just needed it for a little while longer. It was greedy and selfish and so unfair, like everything else I'd done, but I needed it. Like an addict.

"I'm not a good person, Hayden."

When he didn't react, didn't speak or let go or hold me tighter, I realized I hadn't said it out loud. I was too much of a coward to admit what a coward I was.

"Hayden?" My voice was barely audible but I forced it out because he didn't deserve this mess I'd dragged him into. I remembered how it felt to find out what you thought was perfect was actually one gigantic lie told by someone you trusted. I remembered how that felt, so I knew how he'd feel when I told him the truth. Tell him. Now. It will never be any easier. "I need......"

"Time and s.p.a.ce. I know. See, sometimes I actually do listen." After another second of stillness, he stepped away. "Can we do a late dinner or something?"

"Sure." That was a good idea. By tonight, I should at least be able to look at him without bursting into tears and actually speak versus grunt and do that weird high-pitched whiny talking thing. Or the three words-then sob-three more words-another sob thing that no one could understand.

Actually, I might need a little longer. "Tonight's not good. Tomorrow?"

"If that's your best offer..." he said as he got dressed. "Was it my singing that freaked you out so much? I really should know better."

"Yeah, you really should."

I hurried around, getting ready for my nonexistent appointment, and trying my hardest to act like everything was okay. All I probably accomplished was to make him think I had some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

When I told him how tricky bus schedules were, and that if I missed it, I'd have to wait twenty minutes for another, he offered to take me to my appointment. I couldn't exactly refuse, so I gave him the closest logical place I could think of.

We ended up in front of Emilia's country club. If this wasn't an example of c.r.a.ppy karma, I didn't know what was.

"Thanks for the ride."

"Thanks for the ride?" He looked at me confused, understandably so. "Which one are you thanking me for?"

We'd just shared the most incredible night of my life, and I end it with 'thanks for the ride.' Very cool.

"All of them," I said quietly. "Look, I've never had anything like this before, and I'm not sure the best way to handle it."

"I feel the same way, but I think we're supposed to figure it out together. You need to talk to me."

How could I when, every time I looked into his eyes, all I could do was picture him naked?

"You're right. We should talk. But not right now." I took a deep breath and waved to my old spinning instructor, who was next to the club's entrance, digging something out of his duffel bag. "He hates it when people are late for cla.s.s." As soon as I opened the car door, Hayden grabbed my arm, twisting me around to face him.

"We're still on for dinner tomorrow?" Then he kissed me. One of those kisses that shuts out the rest of the world so completely you wonder if it will still be there when you open your eyes. He cupped my breast with one hand, held my chin with the other. I groaned when I felt his erection. Um...actually. I busted up laughing as soon as I realized my mistake.

"I thought..."

He got it as soon as he saw my hand groping the car's gearshift. "I've never been jealous of a car before."

"Well, next time I see you, let's do something to make the car jealous of you." I'd meant it to sound seductive, but what the h.e.l.l? We had a simultaneous moment of trying to imagine how that could possibly work before both of us were laughing.

"I'm sure we'll think of something," he said. "Get to cla.s.s."

Right. Cla.s.s. When I climbed out of the car, the instructor was staring at me, holding the club's door open. Oh c.r.a.p, I think he was actually waiting for me. Or maybe he was just checking out Hayden. Either way, I had to walk through that door.

I'd planned on waiting in the lobby until Hayden drove away. But my luck being what it was, the spin torturer whisked me by the front desk before they could ask me for a membership card I didn't have and ushered me right into cla.s.s. I even got a front row spot. Yeah, really not my day.

Although, maybe for once, exercise would be good for me. I could focus on the pain instead of the pleasure of last night. Feel the burn in a productive way.

For an hour, I forgot about everything other than how much I hated my instructor. Unfortunately, as soon as I slumped off my spinning bike and hobbled to the bus stop, it all came back.

This screw-up trumped the one four years ago, that was for sure. Because now I couldn't even claim to be young and stupid. Now I was just stupid. This time I was hurting people who knew and cared about me. For years, it had felt like no matter what I did, I'd never be free of my sins, and so eventually, I stopped even trying. Pretending I'd never gotten into trouble made it okay to work for Emilia even with the risk she was taking. I'd told myself it was okay to use a computer or to accept the one that Hayden had given me, it was okay to keep information about who I was from a man I was falling in love with and who obviously had feelings for me.

That was the biggest lie of all. None of this was okay, and it was no one's fault but mine that everything was about to fall apart.

I wanted to call Hayden, hear his voice, ask him to come back so I could hide in his arms for the next decade or two. I was sure he could somehow make everything bad disappear. But I couldn't call him. Because I was a liar and, as soon as he found out all the wrong I'd done, he would disappear. And he'd feel the same betrayal and humiliation I'd felt after I found out what my ex-boyfriend had conned me in to doing for him. How could I have done that to Hayden? Knowing what it did to me?

As soon as I got home, I called Emilia, still feeling like the worst person in the world, although now it was for putting yet another burden on my friend. But I didn't know what else to do.

"Em, don't freak out, but I have so much to tell you. First, Hayden stayed over last night."

"Finally," she teased. "Let me guess: he was amazing. The earth moved, and the seas parted. No, wait, it was your legs that parted, wasn't it?" She laughed. "Okay, tell me everything."

"I'm in trouble, Em," I whimpered. "But I don't want you to try to fix it. Okay? And you have to promise not to tell Rob."

"What happened?" she asked, instantly on high alert.

I filled her in on the situation-the first visit from the detective that I'd been too embarra.s.sed to mention to this morning's unhappy visit. Emilia sighed and said, 'Oh, Andi,' or 'I'm so sorry' a lot.

"I have to go to the station to answer some questions. Williams didn't give me any details, and I think that means I might be in more trouble than I thought."

"You don't know what that means. He could've just not been in a chatty mood. You said he's nice, right? That he seemed unhappy about telling you that he had to investigate you as one of many options?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's probably all it is. Don't freak out before you know for sure. Meet me at the park in a half an hour. We can talk and run-two times the stress relief."

"I don't really feel like running." Unless it's away. "I need donuts."

"No, donuts are just fluffy, delicious b.a.l.l.s of evil."

"Exactly why I love them. Besides, I actually already worked out today."

Her shocked silence didn't last long. "How 'bout we do brunch at Morning Grill tomorrow-my treat."

"My last meal?"

"No, stupid. We use an exorbitant amount of food to gather your courage, and then I'll take you to the station."

"Thanks, but I don't want you to go with me. It's humiliating enough without you actually being there."

She scoffed. "Do you honestly believe that you're the only one who has things from their past that they wish hadn't happened? I'm your friend, Andi. All I'm doing is paying you back a tiny bit for what you've done for Rob and me."

"You don't need to pay me back for anything."

"Oh, but I do. Do you already have a lawyer?"

"No." I'd just sent out a big batch of checks, and the cupboards were bare. "I'm going to tell them the truth." And if they didn't believe me, the state would appoint a lawyer.

"Andi." Emilia's voice was sharp, a warning. "I'm calling Rob."

"No!" I didn't want either of them more involved in this. They'd already done way too much for me. "I meant yes before-I have a lawyer. He's great, actually." How many times did I need to prove I was a terrible person before they'd stop believing in me?