On Every Side Part 17

Jordan nodded, his eyes trained on the form of his mother in the next room. "We had a real nice talk."

Mr. Moses squeezed his shoulder again and pulled him close, hugging him the way Jordan had always imagined a father might. Tm glad, Jordan. Really I am."

Then, even though she could no longer hear them, Jordan and Heidi returned to the bedroom and sat on either side of the bed, holding their mother's hands and talking to her in quiet tones. Heidi was not ashamed to cry and she wept throughout the day, occasionally throwing herself across her mother and holding her close despite the fact that their mother was no longer able to respond. "Don't leave us, Mommy."

Jordan hadn't felt the same freedom. His world was changing with each pa.s.sing hour, and any moment he was about to be the head of the household, the only person who could look after Heidi. He kept his back straight and his lower lip stiff as he squeezed his mother's hand again and again, praying for some sort of response. He had tears, for sure, but they were quiet tears. Tears that coursed down his face and made wet marks on the legs of his jeans. Now and then Heidi would come up behind him and take hold of his shoulders, resting her head against his back as she sobbed silently.

They stayed that way for hours, Heidi and Jordan on the bed with their dying mother. Finally, just before six o'clock that evening, she made three quick gasping sounds and then exhaled long and slow Even now Jordan remembered the sound. It was the same sound his bicycle tire had made back when he was twelve and had run over a pop bottle on the way home from school. A long, slow hiss that seemed to last forever until there was no air left.

"Mom!" Jordan shook her so she might draw another breath, but as he watched, her features relaxed and a tranquillity came over her. One moment she'd been there, fighting for her life, and the next she was simply gone, leaving nothing but the sh.e.l.l of the body she'd once occupied. He remembered being sure she'd gone to heaven. Since then, though, he'd convinced himself that heaven didn't exist. The peace on his mother's face after drawing her last breath was merely death taking another victim. Heidi's reaction had caused an ache deep in his heart, like a bruise that never healed even to this day His sister realized what was happening at the same time Jordan did and she screamed, dropping their mother's hand and running across the room to Faith's mother, clinging first to her and then moving alongside the bed back to Jordan. "Bring her back, Jordan, make her come back!"

He winced and eased himself out of the memory. Heidi had been terrified of being alone, living without their mother. Only Jordan's presence in her life had given her the security she'd needed to survive that day and the ones that followed.

He felt tears stinging at his eyes and wondered how long it had been since he'd grieved the loss of his mother and sister. Of course, back then he hadn't imagined he'd lose Heidi the same week. Somehow he'd figured he could raise her by himself, that they might continue to share the house on Oak Street, eating an occasional meal with Faith's family and getting themselves off to school on time each day He'd had no understanding of utility bills and food costs or that there might be a law against children living alone.

They'd been taking care of themselves for months, ever since their mother got sick. Why should that change now that she was gone? As they got through the next few days, it wasn't a problem either of them considered. Faith's mother was over often, taking them to the funeral home and helping them understand what was happening. Looking back, Jordan realized the church or Faith's family must have paid for his mom's funeral, the casket, and burial plot, because certainly his mother had no money Once when he was old enough to search the records he looked into what had happened to their house. According to his file- which lacked any specific detail-the house was sold to pay his mother's medical bills.

Jordan guessed that the government took the rest.

The days after his mother's death were as much a blur now as they were sixteen years ago, but in the still and quiet darkness of Jericho Park, Jordan did his best to remember. They had worn their nicest church clothes for the funeral, and Heidi hadn't been able to pull herself away from him. She was so sad, so afraid at the loss of their mother that she wouldn't speak to anyone but Jordan. Especially the morning of the funeral service.

"She w-won't really be there, right Jordan? In the wooden box?" Heidi had found him in the bathroom that morning getting ready. She was so distraught she could barely speak. "Even though... even though her body will be there, right?" Tears filled her eyes, as they did all the time back then.

Jordan adjusted his white b.u.t.ton-down shirt that the Moses family bought him and rubbed a dab of gel into his hair. It was the last time he'd see his mother and he wanted to look his best, "No, Heidi. She won't really be there. Having her body there is just a way of giving people a chance to say their good-byes."

"But...but she's already gone, right? Like if I talk to her, she won't be able to hear me, right?" Heidi stood inches from him, waiting anxiously for his hand to be free so she could take hold of it.

Jordan set the tube of gel down and pulled her close. "She won't hear you, but G.o.d will. Remember what Mom said? Don't stop praying... and one day when we go to heaven she'll be waiting for us."

Jordan frowned into the cool dark air. Had those really been his words? Had he truly felt that confident in the hours before his mother's funeral? He wasn't sure. He just knew he'd vowed to take care of Heidi until she was grown. Other than Faith and her family Heidi was all he had and clearly she needed him.

The air was getting colder and frost was appearing on the park gra.s.s. Jordan looked across the field and searched for the woman he'd seen earlier. Whoever she was, she'd gone home. Jordan knew he should do the same. The hearing was scheduled for ten o'clock the next morning. But somehow he didn't want to leave this place-or the memories of those days after his mother's death, the last days with Heidi. Jordan remembered making breakfast for her and doing laundry and making sure they got to bed on time. Faith's mother was there a lot, and so was her father. But most of the time Jordan had been in charge, and though they were still reeling from the loss of their mother, there was comfort that went beyond words in the fact that they had each other.

How long had that time lasted? Jordan used to think it was a week or so, but now it seemed more like two or three days at the most. Either way, it hadn't been long enough. Faith's father had pulled him aside and promised -he'd do all he could to see that Jordan and Heidi stayed together. Certainly he hadn't contacted the state and reported them living alone. But somehow the office of Social Services got wind of their situation and one afternoon- the day they'd returned to school-two workers came and asked them to pack their things. Heidi had been terrified about going away, even for a night, but the state workers promised she'd be back with Jordan in a day or so.

Promises that meant nothing at all.

He remembered Heidi's cries and wide-eyed terror as one of the workers drove her away from their home. Jordan had watched her go, believing he would die from the separation and helplessness of that moment. He had promised to take care of her and suddenly in an hour's time she was gone.

His heart felt tight and trapped at the memory awash in an ocean of pain that still hadn't even begun to subside." Heidi, where are you?" Jordan stared out ahead of him and wondered what she might look like now. Heidi...his little sister...the one who had depended on him for everything that last year they were together.

Another onset of tears burned his eyes. Jordan rarely afforded himself the chance to miss her this way, but here, with visions of that terrible afternoon as real as they'd been in the months that followed, he felt as though his heart would break from missing Heidi. He should have done more to find her, searched for her, refused to give up. Instead he'd made a series of bad decisions, choices that only cost him whatever hope he'd had of getting them back together again.

There was a rustling behind him and he whipped around. First New York City, now Bethany. Wasn't any place safe from the crazies who roamed the night? He scanned the bushes and a movement caught his eye. It looked like the same woman who'd been at his bench earlier that night, and she was walking toward him. Before he could clearly see her face she spoke.

"Jordan, it's me... Faith."

His heart skipped a beat as a series of emotions washed over him. Shock at seeing her here at the park, seeking out solitude at the same hour he'd chosen; guilt and sadness, and as she came into the light, a desire he hadn't known before in his life. She was so beautiful, her heart so clearly like it had been when they were kids living next door on Oak Street. It was all he could do to keep from meeting her halfway, taking her in his arms and apolo-gizing for everything that had happened over the past few months.

He read her eyes as easily as he had sixteen years ago. She cared for him still-regardless of the war they were waging against each other, she cared. Then he moved to one side of the bench and patted the empty place beside him.

There were a dozen things he could think to say to her, but instead he held her gaze and hoped she, too, could see beyond the battle lines.

Twenty-one.

Faith was still quite a ways off when she recognized Jordan. Something in the way he stretched out and stared off in the distance-the tilt of his head and the long legs that refused to stay bunched up beneath him-the same as when he was a boy For a moment she stopped and considered turning back. What would she say to him? After all they were enemies now, weren't they? But in the quiet of the darkened park the trappings of their current situation seemed to fall away Here, in the shadows of the walled in Jesus statue, they were merely two grown-up kids who'd lost each other a very long time ago when life was its most impressionable.

Looking at Jordan she saw him as he'd been in his mother's room the day she died, the way he'd held his head high at her funeral, the way he'd clung to his sister the day she was taken from him. Rather than fight him or berate him for his political views, she wanted only to take him in her arms and soothe away the years of hurt and anger and bitterness.

Jordan... her long-ago best friend...

When he finally spotted her she knew that she'd been right that first night in the diner parking lot. No matter what words came out of his mouth when the cameras were rolling, he was the same Jordan Riley she'd loved as a girl. When he patted the empty place beside him on the bench, she came to him willingly "I thought it was you." She took the seat, careful to keep her distance, angling her body so she could see him. Although they sat in darkness, the stars cast enough light so she could make out his features.

"I must have walked right past you. Were you sitting on the bench over there?" His voice was quiet and kind, and Faith felt herself relax.

"Yeah. It's been kind of crazy lately." She stared across the expanse of frosty gra.s.s toward the towering plywood walls. "I guess I needed some time alone."

Jordan followed her gaze and waited a moment. "I know what you mean."

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Faith could sense him searching for something to say. Something that didn't involve the statue or the fact that common sense said they were crazy to be sitting on a bench in a hidden comer of the park in the middle of the night.

He turned to her and seemed to force a smile. "Tell me about the little Asian girl."

Her gaze fell, and she tried to still her racing heart. "Rosa Lee?"

"I don't know..." He changed positions so that he was closer than before. "She was by your side at the protest the other day I saw her with you on the news."

Faith gulped and tried to concentrate. Something about being in his presence was making her feel thirteen again, like they were only pretending to be adults locked in a legal battle. "She's... she's a foster child. Sometimes she reminds me of you." Suddenly her heart soared at the chance to share her deepest feelings with him. "She wants me to adopt her."

Jordan's smile seemed more genuine this time. "That's won-derful. Will you? Adopt her, I mean?"

"Oh, I don't know" She felt the corners of her mouth lift some. "Actually, I'm praying about it." Faith thought of the little girl and how close they'd grown in the past weeks. "I keep waiting for a real family to show some interest. You know, with a mom and dad. I think she deserves that." She hesitated, not sure if she should tell him. "Besides, my next job might take me away..."

He searched her eyes. "Away?"

She nodded. "I got a call today from the station's compet.i.tion. A national network. They're considering me for a spot."

Jordan's eyes lit up, and for the first time that night his grin reminded her of the boy he'd once been. "For the national news? Faith, that's great!" He reached for her hands and squeezed them, then as the moment faded he let go and crossed his arms tightly against his chest.

Faith couldn't bring herself to tell him the rest of the conver-sation. The network executive had acknowledged that Faith was embroiled in a national legal battle. "Be careful," he'd told her. "Don't do anything too extreme. And keep a low profile. I have to be honest with you, prayer rallies, protests, that kind of thing won't look good, Ms. Evans."

She and Jordan fell quiet, and an icy breeze kicked up a pile of long-dead leaves. Faith angled her head, studying Jordan. She wanted desperately to know the thoughts that filled his head. Was he here to strategize his next move? Or was he drawn to the past the way she was so often these days? Talk to me, Jordan...like old times... "What are you thinking?" Her voice was soft, allowing him the right to refuse to answer.

He shrugged and met her gaze. "About Heidi."

Faith's heart melted. He was the same; deep inside he was still the same. "I think about her a lot. Especially since..."

"I know," Jordan finished for her. Their voices were quiet, like the night around them. Even the breeze had stilled, and time seemed strangely suspended. "Since that night at the diner."

Faith nodded. "She loved you very much, Jordan."

He sighed and narrowed his eyes. "It was my fault what hap-pened. I let her down."

Faith shook her head. "None of it was your fault. The state took you to separate homes and even if you'd--"

"No." His tone was gentle but insistent. "You don't know the whole story"

Faith thought about that for a moment and angled her head, trying to understand. For all the success Jordan had managed to achieve professionally, she suddenly knew he had no one to talk to, no friend like she'd been to him that year before he was taken from his home. She thought of a hundred things she could say. Talk to me, Jordan. Share your heart with me. So what if we're ene-mies in the morning? Right now we're thirteen again, and you can tell me whatevers on your heart She swallowed hard and let her thoughts fade. "Tell me, Jordan. I have all night."

And to her surprise, he did.

Drawing a slow breath he stared straight ahead and talked as though the events were only just now happening, as though he could see them unfolding before his eyes the way they had that terrible year. "They put me in a foster home, and every hour I asked about Heidi. Two days pa.s.sed, and then three, and I over-heard the lady on the phone. I don't know who she was talking to, but she said she didn't think they could find a place for Heidi and me, for both of us. She said it could be weeks before I saw my sister again."

Jordan paused, and Faith allowed the silence. He closed his eyes as though the events of the past were settling into their proper order. Finally he looked at her and exhaled, his breath hanging in the air. "On the third day I set out on my own. The man of the house had told me where Heidi was staying-with a family on Birch Street. I figured I knew my way to Birch Street and even if I had to knock on every door I'd find her eventually." He released a frustrated huff. "I should have known better. One call to my social worker, and I might have had a visit with her that night. Maybe they didn't know how badly I needed to see her."

Without thinking, Faith reached out and took Jordan's hand in hers, wrapping her gloved fingers around his." That's why you got sent to the boys' camp?"

Jordan gripped her hand, his gaze still straight ahead. "I wasn't gone an hour when the police came cruising up behind me. I'd almost made it to Birch; I was so close I could practically see Heidi waiting for me, calling my name. When the police asked me to get in the car, I ran the other direction." He released a sad laugh. "I was thirteen. What chance did I have at outrun-ning two police officers? They caught me, cuffed me, and tossed me in the squad car. That afternoon I was shipped thirty minutes away to the Southridge Boys' Camp."

Faith felt suddenly awkward holding Jordan's hand and she quietly pulled it back. "You can't blame yourself for that, Jordan. You were doing what you thought was best."

"I should have been patient. Who knows?" He turned and locked eyes with her. "Everything might have been different." He paused, his eyes more intense than they'd been all night. "Absolutely everything."

Faith thought she understood what he was saying. If he'd had the chance to grow up alongside Heidi he would not have held the anger he held today. He might not have become a human rights attorney, and perhaps...perhaps she and Jordan might even have stayed friends or... She refused to dwell on the possi-bilities. "Did you... at the camp, did they tell you anything about Heidi?"

"Not a thing." The muscles in Jordan's jaw flexed and he fell silent. He turned his attention to the spread of gra.s.s in front of him. "The camp was like a prison. Up at seven, ch.o.r.es till nine. A bowl of slop for breakfast each morning, lessons through the early afternoon, and four hours of hard labor before dinner."

Faith felt tears in her eyes. That was the type of life he'd been forced to live in the months after losing his mother? After losing Heidi? After losing his home and Faith's family and everything that had mattered to him? The reality of it tore at her heart, and she pictured Rosa Lee... stranded in the system, without a family Where would she wind up when she got old enough to have a bad att.i.tude? At a similar camp, fighting for her place among a houseful of angry young women? The thought made her shud-der. "Oh, Jordan... I had no idea."

He nodded, his expression unchanged." The boys at the camp were tougher than I was-serious hard-core kids. Most of them were drug addicts or thieves, guys destined for prison. I thought about Mom and Heidi-" he looked at her- "and you...every day, every hour. But there was nothing I could do about it. It took all my strength just to survive."

She always believed he'd remembered her, that he thought of her in those days after he was taken from his home. But this was the first time he'd said so, and a warmth made its way from Faith's heart out across her body. "You thought of me, Jordan? Really?"

He stared at her, and there were tears in his eyes. "Every day, Faith. I kept thinking..." He swallowed hard. "I kept thinking you and your parents would show up at the camp and take me home, rescue me from that awful place and help me find Heidi."

"We wanted to..." Her voice drifted. "I talked to my mom... she's in Chicago helping my aunt. She said they hadn't called social services because they were afraid once the state got involved it would be impossible to adopt you." She looked at the tops of the distant trees. "I guess my dad wanted to talk to an attorney friend of his about adopting both of you privately. But the state stepped in before he could do anything."

Jordan shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Things happened the way they did for a reason, right?"

Again she wanted to take him in her arms and hold him until the hurt faded from his heart. But she had a feeling it would take a lifetime, and they didn't have that. Morning was fast approaching. In six hours this strange time between them borrowed from a place where yesterday lived would be all but forgotten.

Come morning, they'd take up their places on opposite sides of the battle once more.

She decided to be honest with him. "Jordan..."

He turned to her and smiled sadly." I'm sorry. It's late and cold. I'm sure you don't want to hear all this."

"No, I do... I just..." He was looking at her, waiting for her to finish. "I thought about you, too. Every day"

He searched her eyes. "I always wondered if you heard about the accident. For a month after it happened I expected to see you and your family." He smiled and gazed up at the midnight sky." I pictured your dad striding up to the front office, demanding they let me go, insisting that the camp wasn't a safe place for kids like me." He shook his head. "But the truth is you probably never even heard about it."

Faith's eyes grew wide. An accident? At the camp? "Wait a minute, I do remember something about it."

Jordan lowered his eyebrows and bit his lower lip, stuffing his hands deep into the pockets of his parka. "It was awful, Faith." Even in the shadows she could see heartache settle over his face. "There was a cave built into the side of a ravine, maybe a hun-dred yards from the main camp. Over the years people used it as a trash dump." He paused and released a long breath, gritting his teeth in a way that made his jaw more p.r.o.nounced. "That after-noon... the owners of the camp decided it was time to clean it out."

Faith racked her brain, trying to remember where she'd heard these details before. She waited while Jordan found the strength to continue. "The cave was more of a tunnel...I don't know, maybe twenty feet straight into the side of the ravine. Trouble was it'd been raining for three weeks before they ordered the cleanup. We were an hour into the job when dirt began falling from the ceiling."

Jordan shook his head, and his features looked chalky white, even in the shadows. "I remember every horrifying detail." He paused and looked at her again. "Another boy and I were near the entrance. We barely got out. I mean, we had dirt on our backs and our legs were buried as the cave collapsed." He stared at the ground near his feet. "They used shovels and got me and the boy next to me out first. Then they started digging for the others. Seventeen boys. All of them trapped beneath tons of dirt."

He was silent for a moment, lost in the memory, and Faith barely noticed the tears that trickled onto her cheeks. No wonder Jordan's so angry... She wanted to ask the Lord why-why had He allowed the string of tragedies to happen to a boy so young, one so new in his belief? But something deep inside her lacked the confidence to even approach G.o.d with the issue. She shifted her attention back to Jordan. "I can't imagine."

Jordan nodded slowly, thoughtfully and brought his eyes back up to hers. "For ten minutes we could hear the faint, m.u.f.fled cries of the trapped boys. The camp owner dug as fast as he could, and after a few minutes firemen arrived and joined the effort." He shook his head, his eyes flat. "There was nothing they could do; it was too late."

Suddenly she could see the headlines, hear her parents talk-ing about the accident. As she drifted back to that year, she gasped and her hand flew across her mouth. "I remember it now! The newspaper said you died!" She stared straight ahead, digging her fingers into the roots of her hair, searching her mind for details she hadn't remembered until now. Her eyes flew back to his. "My parents read the article and told me that night. They said they weren't sure it was true and the next day they made some calls and found out you were okay."

"The paper said I died?" Jordan's eyebrows lifted. "You're kid-ding?" He bit the inside of his lip and his eyes grew even wider. "Hey, what if Heidi heard the same thing?"

Faith caught his enthusiasm. "You know, you might be right. Maybe she thinks you're dead, and that's why she hasn't tried to find you."

"I've looked up her records, but never mine. What if some-how they got it mixed up and-" He stopped, and his shoulders slumped as he leaned back against the bench once more. Faith watched the despair settle over his face." They wouldn't have got-ten a thing like that wrong. The papers might have made a mis-take, but not the state."

He looked at his hands. "I spent a night in the hospital while they looked me over. The next day I was moved to a boys' camp in New Jersey." He leaned his head back some and looked at Faith again. "I asked about Heidi every day for three months until finally the camp warden told me not to ask anymore." Jordan huffed, and Faith could see the bitterness in his tensed features. "He threatened to send me to a camp in Montana if I spoke her name again."

Faith pictured him, only months after losing his mother and sister, stuck at a camp so far from home with people who neither knew nor loved him. "I wish... I wish we could have found you, Jordan."

He shrugged, and she knew he was letting her see into the very depths of his heart. "I kept thinking they'd bring Heidi to me, find us a home together. But one year led to the next, and in no time I was finished with high school and playing college base-ball. By that point I think I figured no one wanted to find me. I sort of had to let the old Jordan Riley die..." He studied Faith's eyes. "Know what I mean?"

She shook her head and felt her heart sink. This was his way of telling her he'd changed, at least from his perspective. But it wasn't true; the old Jordan hadn't died. She'd sat right next to him for the past half hour.

Jordan's heart raced deep within him at Faith's nearness, at the desire he felt for her. How had he gotten in this position? How had things gotten so mixed up, so far from what he wanted?

He wanted to pull her close and tell her the way he was feeling, but how could he? Nothing lasting could ever come from a relationship between them. They were complete opposites.

But, oh! What she did to him, sitting so close he could smell the subtle sweetness of her skin.

"What are you thinking?"

Jordan looked at her, and a flash of anger pierced his soul. What was he doing here, anyway? This was all about the court case. Faith didn't have feelings for him. "I know what you're trying to do."

She jerked back an inch or two and knit her eyebrows together as though he'd suddenly switched languages on her." What's that supposed to mean?"

He expelled the air in his lungs and dug his elbows into his thighs. "I'm sorry I'm not making sense."