On A Wing And A Prayer Part 34

But what? Ca.s.s, you really need to get a life. You're playing with fire here, you know. Rox digs men. You're setting yourself up for a heartache, my friend, Enforcer warned.

I don't know that yet, E. She said that she has feelings for me. What if those feelings are love ... or what if they could develop into love? If I walk away, I'll never know, she explained to her alter ego. E, I don't want to be on my deathbed regretting my cowardice. I have to find out if she can love me ... I have to.

After a slight pause, Enforcer responded. Well, I guess we have some work to do then. I'll help you to compose the next note when she finally replies to your last one.

I don't know, E. You tend to get a little raw sometimes. You might just scare her away, Ca.s.s worried.

Look Ca.s.s, if this DOES work out with Rox, all three of us are going to be living together - so she'd better get used to me now! Enforcer reasoned.

Ca.s.s responded with a groan.

What was that for? I'm not such a bad person! I've kept you on the straight and narrow for years! E exclaimed.

Straight and narrow? You're kidding me, right? What about when you had us skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool in the middle of the night? Ca.s.s asked.

Yeah, but, it was hot ... and ... and you were only 10 years old at the time ... so who cares? Enforcer defended herself.

And what about when you talked us into sneaking into the drive-in theater in Cathy's trunk, huh? I was stuck in that trunk for six hours after Cathy broke the key off in the lock! Some advice that was! Ca.s.s complained.

Well, you gotta admit - that WAS a good idea at the time. How was I supposed to know you were claustrophobic? Enforcer complained.

And what about the time ..., Ca.s.s continued.

All right! All right! You've made your point. So maybe my advice hasn't always been good - but you gotta admit, we had some fun! Enforcer countered.

Yeah, I guess, Ca.s.s finally admitted, but we really need to be careful here, E. I don't want to lose her before I even have her, Ca.s.s reasoned.

Don't worry, my friend. I'll behave. In the meantime, you need to take your mind off the computer. Why don't you clean this pig sty. You know Ca.s.s ... you would think you were raised in a barn! If your Mom could only see this place ..., Enforcer scolded.

"Aarrgghh!!! All right, already! I'll clean it!" Ca.s.s screamed out loud, throwing her hands in the air and jumping to her feet.

Standing in the middle of the office, she look a long hard look at the room for the first time in several weeks. "G.o.d, it really IS a pig sty," she commented as she noted the dirty coffee cups on the desk, overflowing wastebasket, newspapers and magazines stacked in the bookcase , and dust bunnies hanging from the ceiling in the corner of the room. Christ Ca.s.s. No wonder E gets on your case! she thought as she started to clean.

Two hours later, hungry and covered with dust, Ca.s.s stood in the center of the room, very proud of what she had accomplished. She didn't realize how much she had neglected this room until she started cleaning it. Glancing over at the clock on the desk, she was shocked to realize it had taken her two hours. Sorely tempted to sign on to e-mail, Ca.s.s instead decided to give Rox a little more time to respond as she cleaned herself up and ordered pizza for lunch. Forty five minutes later, she was sitting in front of the monitor, freshly showered, with a small pepperoni, mushroom and sausage pizza sitting beside her, waiting for the computer to boot up.

Finally, Netscape Messenger delivered a note from to Ca.s.s' inbox. Reaching for the mouse, Ca.s.s opened the note and read it's entire contents ... twice.

Wow, Ca.s.s. She's really confused. That woman doesn't know if she's coming or going! Enforcer pointed out.

You're right, E. I have to be careful not to push her too hard. I don't want to scare her away. d.a.m.n, I hate this dating thing, Ca.s.s replied.

Yeah - especially with chicks who dig men! Enforcer responded.

E, she could be bis.e.xual, you know. Give me a break, will ya? Ca.s.s exclaimed as she clicked on 'reply'. Now, what to write back ..., she mused. After a few moments, she began to compose.

"My Dearest Love,

I owe you an apology. I should have made it clear that I was a woman right from the start. I am so sorry. I can understand why you would be confused ... Ca.s.s is such a generic name. I think a little background on myself might be helpful. My full name is Ca.s.sidy Marie Conway. I am 29 years old (soon to be 30), and as you know, I live in San Jose, California. I am the oldest of two children. My brother Jeff died a few years ago in a car accident. Unfortunately, I have been estranged from my parents for the past several years. You see, they don't appreciate having a gay daughter.

You asked me how I knew I was gay. Well, I guess I can say that I kind of knew since I was a teenager. You see, I knew there was something different about me - I just didn't have a name for it at the time. While my girlfriends were playing with dolls and fussing with their hair, I was busy playing baseball with the neighborhood boys. In high school, I wasn't interested in women's gymnastics or in making out behind the bleachers with the football team ... I was interested in being ON the football team (it's too bad I wasn't allowed)! I didn't put a name to my feelings until I met Patti. She captured me heart and soul. I only wish I had seen through to her dark side before I allowed her to capture my heart.

Rox, I can't tell you why things didn't work out as lovingly as you would have liked between you and Chris, however, if Chris was as much of a macho a.s.s hole as he was on the beach, then that may shed some light on the question. Honey, I have met women who act like Chris. There are lesbian relationships that end up just like yours. Occasionally, one partner dominates the other to the extreme that it becomes a 'husband/wife' type of scenario. My relationship with Patti was headed in that direction when she overdosed. As much as I hate to admit it, I allowed her to dominate me. I allowed her to treat me like Chris treated you ... right down to the physical abuse. The good news, Rox, is that there are just as many loving, equal relationships out there as there are unequal ones. What I am offering to you, Rox, is just such a relationship, should you choose to explore it. I don't want someone to dominate ... and I don't want to be dominated. I want someone to share my life and my love with - on a totally equal basis.

As far as how your family would react to the possibility that you are gay, it is always best if you have their support, however, this is your life, and your happiness we are talking about. If the G.o.ds are willing, you will be around long after your parents are gone. You can't live your life for them, or you'll wake up one morning after they're gone and regret that you didn't follow your heart. Rox, if they truly love you, they will at the very least, accept you as you are, even if they don't agree with your lifestyle. Obviously, I don't know your parents, so I am not in a position to make a judgment. As far as your father dying ... don't you think he'd rather die knowing you are happy? Think about that, Rox.

Honey, if there is even a small part of you that is curious, or that has felt something more than just sisterly affection for another woman, you owe it to yourself to explore. The type of loving relationship that is possible between two women just can't be described in words. It has to be experienced to be understood. It is so intense, and personal, loving and caring ... Rox, I love you. I want desperately to show you what my words so inadequately convey. Please don't worry about hurting me. I am going into this relationship with my eyes wide open. I know there is a risk that you may find that this type of love is not right for you. I understand that, and I'm willing to take the chance. You are worth any risk I may have to take.

Let me come to you, Rox ... let me love you, and allow yourself to love me. I'm not denying that it is a hard decision, but you can't make it without first experiencing it. Let me help you ... I promise to leave you alone forever if this is not for you, Rox. Please think about this.

I will wait forever for you, Rox. I know how scary this is. Just know that I love you, and I will never hurt you.

Good luck with your book.

With all my love,

Ca.s.s"

Ca.s.s reached for the last slice of pizza as she clicked on the 'send' b.u.t.ton and watched her note start it's journey to Maine. Lifting it to her lips, she grimaced as she realized it was ice cold.

"d.a.m.n!" she said out loud, looking at the clock. "s.h.i.t! It's after 3:00 p.m. Why on earth does it take me so long to respond to Rox's notes!!?" she said, exasperated with herself.

Because you're not as smooth and direct as I am ... it's all that beating around the bush, Enforcer answered.

What do you mean by that? Ca.s.s asked, insulted.

Well ... Think about it! d.a.m.n, woman! You wrote her a book! the alter ego exclaimed.

All right smart a.s.s, what would YOU have written? Ca.s.s asked.

Me? I would have said ... Bedroom - be there! Enforcer replied.

Oh yeah ... real smooth, E. She would have been gone in a heartbeat! Ca.s.s explained.

Hey - if she can't take the heat, she should stay out of the kitchen! Enforcer quipped.

E... eat s.h.i.t and die, okay? Ca.s.s said sarcastically as she headed for the microwave.

"Rox ... dinner's ready!" Nikki called up the stairs. After a few moments with no response, she yelled again. "Rox!" Finally, after a few more moments, she went in search of her friend. As she entered the office, she noted Rox working furiously away at the keyboard.

"Rox, honey ... dinner's ready," she said in a softer voice.

No response.

"Earth to Rox!" the blonde said loudly.

Rox jumped. "Jeeeeessssuuuusss Christ Nikki! You scared the s.h.i.t out of me!" she exclaimed, grasping her chest with her good hand.

"Well ... you weren't answering me! Do you always get this tuned out when you're writing?" Nikki asked.

"When I'm on a roll ... yes, I do," she replied, "sorry!"

"It's okay. Dinner's ready. Are you hungry?" Nikki said again.

"Yeah, I guess I could eat. Let me check my e-mail first, then I'll be right down," Rox offered.

"No ... I don't think so. Dinner's getting cold - and besides, you've been sitting at that thing all afternoon - you need a break. Come on ... e-mail will wait for an hour while you eat," Nikki demanded, giving Rox her best 'I'm in command' att.i.tude.

Rox looked at her friend as she stood with her hands on her hips, an 'I dare you to challenge me' look on her face, and couldn't stop herself from bursting out laughing. "Oh Nik ... you are such a big wuss!" she laughed.

Nikki gave up her tough broad pretense and batted her eyelashes at Rox. "Well, I do declare my dear friend ... I am not a wuss!" she intoned in her best southern accent.

"Nikki Wuss Davenport ... Yep! It fits! Has a nice ring to it too, don't cha think?" Rox teased.

Nikki reached for a cushion from the couch and threw it at Rox, clocking her on the side of the head with it.

"Owwwww!" she complained before picking up the pillow. As she advanced menacingly on her blonde friend, who was matching each of Rox's forward steps with backward steps of her own.

"Oh no .... come on, Rox ... I was just kidding ... really!" Nikki pleaded, her hands out in front of her to ward off the imminent attack.

Rox continued her forward advance until she had backed Nikki up against the couch. Placing the index finger of her good hand on Nikki's shoulder, Rox slightly pushed, and watched her friend teeter on the back of the couch. After several seconds of watching Nikki fight for balance, Rox took the pillow she was still holding and whacked Nikki right in the face, sending her sprawling over the back of the couch onto the cushions below, landing on her back with her feet splayed in the air. She laid there for several moments, legs all akimbo like a turtle stranded on its back.

Rox couldn't help but laugh at her friend's position. "G.o.d, Nik ... it's a good thing Jerri isn't here, or I'd have to leave the room. If she saw you in that position, there'd be no stopping her!" Rox joked.

"Roxanne Ward, hmmph...!!! d.a.m.n you!" Nikki sputtered as she rolled off the couch onto the floor. Coming to her knees, she gave Rox a severe warning look, causing the red head to turn tail and run for the stairs before her friend could rise to her feet and follow her. Luckily for Rox, Nikki had tangled herself in the afghan that was thrown over the back of the couch, giving her several moments head start on the agitated blonde.

By the time Nikki reached the kitchen, Rox was standing there with two gla.s.ses of wine, holding one of them out in front of her toward her friend as a peace offering.

Rox smiled disarmingly at Nikki. "Truce?" she offered as she placed the gla.s.s in her friend's hand.

Nikki tried very hard to stay angry, but failed miserably as she grinned lopsidedly and accepted the wine from Rox.

"To friendship!" Rox said.

"To friendship!" repeated Nikki.

"To the sisterhood!" Rox added.

"Absof.u.c.kin'lutely!" Nikki responded, causing them both to burst out laughing.

It was late in the evening before Rox returned to her computer. Nikki had finally gone home after cleaning up the dinner dishes and kissing Rox goodbye soundly on the cheek. Reaching up, Rox took Nikki's face in her hands and placed a gentle kiss on her friend's lips. "Good night, Nik. Kiss Jer for me, okay?" she said, before shooing her friend out the door. "Drive carefully!" she called out after her retreating friend. Closing the door, she walked back into the kitchen and make a cup of tea before heading back to work.

Okay, I'll just sip my tea while I wait for you to boot up, she thought. Looking up at the stuffed giraffe beside her computer, she added out loud, "Well, Gerald, what do you think of all this? I mean, I have no problem being affectionate with Nikki ... in fact, it feels pretty good. Does that mean I'm gay? And what about Ca.s.s? She certainly is beautiful, isn't she?" Rox marveled at the ease with which she was able to talk about this issue. Of course, she was talking to a stuffed animal, but it was a start!

Taking a moment to contemplate the situation, Rox suddenly realized that she did indeed feel good about the idea. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back slightly and imagined Ca.s.s' hands running up and down her arms and across her back. A sudden bolt of desire ran through her, causing her to shoot up out of her chair, eyes opened wide, head darting side to side as she struggled to breathe through the anxiety attack that gripped her chest.

"Oh my G.o.d! Oh my G.o.d!" she exclaimed and she clutched at her chest. Taking a deep breath, she extended her arms out to her sides and calmed herself down. "All right, Rox, you can do this ... calm down ... calm down," she scolded herself.

Moments later, her breathing returned to normal as she once again sat down in front of the computer. Placing both hands on the desk, on either side of the keyboard, she took a deep breath, then reached for the mouse. Clicking on 'Netscape Messenger', she sat back once more and patiently waited for the server to deliver new mail to her inbox. Among them, was a note from Ca.s.s.

Rox's heart skipped a beat as she opened the note. After carefully reading it several times, she composed a reply by answering each paragraph between the lines.

"My Loving Friend, I owe you an apology. I should have made it clear that I was a woman right from the start. I am so sorry. I can understand why you would be confused ... Ca.s.s is such a generic name. I think a little background on myself might be helpful. My full name is Ca.s.sidy Marie Conway. I am 29 years old (soon to be 30), and as you know, I live in San Jose, California. I am the oldest of two children. My brother Jeff died a few years ago in a car accident. Unfortunately, I have been estranged from my parents for the past several years. You see, they don't appreciate having a gay daughter.

Ca.s.s, please don't apologize. I don't know why I a.s.sumed you were a man except to say that I was guilty of gender bias. You see, when I looked at your e-mail addy and saw 'flyboy.com', I a.s.sumed correctly that you were a pilot, but automatically thought 'man'. I am the one who should be sorry. I was an advocate of women's rights in college - I should have known better than to make generalizations.

I love your name. Ca.s.sidy ... it's wonderful! You are very close to my age ... I am 27, and an only child. I am sorry to hear that your parents are not accepting of your lifestyle. I can truly say that I don't know how my parents would react. I have told you that my father is dying. It would kill me to break his heart when he has so little time left. Ca.s.s, I don't know what I would do if I ever found myself in the position of having to tell him that I'm gay. d.a.m.n ... I wish this wasn't so hard. I wish I knew for sure the desires of my heart.

You asked me how I knew I was gay. Well, I guess I can say that I kind of knew since I was a teenager. You see, I knew there was something different about me - I just didn't have a name for it at the time. While my girlfriends were playing with dolls and fussing with their hair, I was busy playing baseball with the neighborhood boys. In high school, I wasn't interested in women's gymnastics or in making out behind the bleachers with the football team ... I was interested in being ON the football team (it's too bad I wasn't allowed)! I didn't put a name to my feelings until I met Patti. She captured me heart and soul. I only wish I had seen through to her dark side before I allowed her to capture my heart.

Nikki said something very similar ... she too felt different from the other girls. Jerri helped her to realize where her heart lies.

Rox, I can't tell you why things didn't work out as lovingly as you would have liked between you and Chris, however, if Chris was as much of a macho a.s.s hole as he was on the beach, then that may shed some light on the question. Honey, I have met women who act like Chris. There are lesbian relationships that end up just like yours. Occasionally, one partner dominates the other to the extreme that it becomes a 'husband/wife' type of scenario. My relationship with Patti was headed in that direction when she overdosed. As much as I hate to admit it, I allowed her to dominate me. I allowed her to treat me like Chris treated you ... right down to the physical abuse. The good news, Rox, is that there are just as many loving, equal relationships out there as there are unequal ones. What I am offering to you, Rox, is just such a relationship, should you choose to explore it. I don't want someone to dominate ... and I don't want to be dominated. I want someone to share my life and my love with - on a totally equal basis.

After my experience with Chris, I would accept nothing less than an equal relationship. I've had more than my share of abuse. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough time with Patti. It sounds like we could both use a break from abusive relationships.

As far as how your family would react to the possibility that you are gay, it is always best if you have their support, however, this is your life, and your happiness we are talking about. If the G.o.ds are willing, you will be around long after your parents are gone. You can't live your life for them, or you'll wake up one morning after they're gone and regret that you didn't follow your heart. Rox, if they truly love you, they will at the very least, accept you as you are, even if they don't agree with your lifestyle. Obviously, I don't know your parents, so I am not in a position to make a judgment. As far as your father dying ... don't you think he's rather die knowing you are happy? Think about that, Rox.

I really don't know how my parents would react. We've never talked about gay relationships. I would hope they would accept me regardless, but like I said, I don't know if I'd want to take the chance of breaking my father's heart. I know I can't live my life for them, but even the thought of telling them something like that ... I just can't imagine it! Ca.s.s, I'm so confused! I don't know what I'm feeling ... I don't know what to think. I just wish I knew my heart better.

Honey, if there is even a small part of you that is curious, or that has felt something more than just sisterly affection for another woman, you owe it to yourself to explore. The type of loving relationship that is possible between two women just can't be described in words. It has to be experienced to be understood. It is so intense, and personal, loving and caring ... Rox, I love you. I want desperately to show you what my words so inadequately convey. Please don't worry about hurting me. I am going into this relationship with my eyes wide open. I know there is a risk that you may find this type of love is not right for you. I understand that, and I'm willing to take the chance. You are worth any risk I may have to take.

Oh, I am definitely curious! Ca.s.s, I feel things for you that I have never felt before - for a man or for a woman. I am very curious but I'm also afraid. I know what you're talking about when you speak of the loving relationship that is possible between two women. I see it every day between Nikki and Jerri. Sometimes I find myself envious of their love. I have so much to think about, Ca.s.s. I'm afraid of hurting you ... I'm afraid of hurting myself. I'm afraid of making a decision I might regret.

Let me come to you, Rox ... let me love you, and allow yourself love me. I'm not denying that it is a hard decision, but you can't make it without first experiencing it. Let me help you ... I promise to leave you alone for ever if this is not for you, Rox. Please think about this.