Official Book Club Selection Part 7

she said.

"I'm a little old to have someone yel ing at me for swearing," I said.

"I'm just saying, he's a Christian, and we go to church together, and he goes through phases where he gets real y uncomfortable with swearing.

"Wel , I go through phases where I might punch someone in the face who gives me s.h.i.t about swearing," I joked.

I could tease Brooke like that, but I could never say that in front of Andre, because then she wouldn't laugh. It was like she had to dumb herself down for him. I want to give him his due about his tennis talent, but as far as personality goes, he was pretty humorless and kind of a pil . This was a period when he was taking a lot of heat for losing matches, and people were blaming Brooke, and that was rough on her.

It's that world where as gorgeous and as famous as Brooke is, there was nothing like that Aga.s.si cred. He was the guy who when he came to the set, everyone would freeze. Suddenly the heads of the network and studio were there, guys who rarely spoke to Brooke were suddenly stumbling over themselves and losing their s.h.i.t, and bromances were sprouting al over the place. Men were practical y crying. My straight guy friends who could barely remember the name of my TV show were asking me about him. I remember thinking, Calm the f.u.c.k DOWN. He Calm the f.u.c.k DOWN. He plays TENNIS. Brooke over here has worked with everybody! She's plays TENNIS. Brooke over here has worked with everybody! She's made movies! Survived an alcoholic mother! She models and acts! made movies! Survived an alcoholic mother! She models and acts!

He does one f.u.c.kin' thing!

Not only that, I remember a conversation Andre and I had when he said he didn't enjoy tennis anymore. Instead, he was golfing obsessively. "If it was up to me, I would just golf al the time," he said. I thought, Well, you're not that good at it, apparently. There's a thing Well, you're not that good at it, apparently. There's a thing called a racquet you might want to pick up. You seem to be good with called a racquet you might want to pick up. You seem to be good with it it. It's a theme in my life. Go where you're welcome and wanted. I wasn't making it at the Improv, so I went toward Un-Cabaret. For a guy in his midtwenties, he seemed a little young to be bored with it al . And here was Brooke who mastered reinventing herself. When a movie of hers bombed she went on a date with the Sultan of Brunei, which resulted in tons of publicity. Later on when she was out of the spotlight, she did a naughty guest role on Friends Friends. And that led to Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan. She was expert at getting back in there some way, any way.

Much of this tenacity and knack for reinvention comes from Brooke's mom. Brooke and Teri Shields have a pretty wel -entrenched public relationship. Teri is known as the drunken, overbearing stage mom, and Brooke is known as the beautiful, young, talented model/actress who was carted al over the world when she was twelve, who made something of her life. Brooke was certainly al those things, but her mom is also incredibly quick, witty, and smart. I got along great with Teri, because she's a hilarious, sarcastic drunk. Multiply her and you get my whole family. Those are the people I love. So I hit it off with Teri the minute I met her. Obviously I total y empathize with Brooke. It would be very difficult to have Teri as a mom. I understand that. Maggie Griffin certainly wasn't shoving me into a bikini when I was a preteen and flying me around the globe to be in movies. But I get Teri. She's clever, and has a true rapier wit.

One time Brooke started teasing me about how I get along with her mom better than she does. She pul ed me aside and said, "I real y like that you like my mom so much."

"We're not ganging up against you," I said, defensively.

"No, no," she said. "Sometimes when I get mad at my mom, I have to be reminded of the good things about her. I love that you get her and see the good stuff."

"Wel ," I explained, "she's not my mom. It's a completely different dynamic. Your mom is quick, funny, and biting, and those are my peeps."

I appreciated what Brooke had said, though. Especial y because I couldn't help but giggle when Teri would say vicious things, like turning to Brooke periodical y and barking, "It's not al about YOU!" Brooke would be so hurt, and I'd be like, "I thought everybody's relatives said that!"

My sister Brooke and I would fight, of course. It's testimony to how stupid our fights were that I can't remember what most of them were about. I borrowed her conditioner and didn't give it back, or something ridiculous like that. One time she stormed into her dressing room, and I heard her say, "I'm going to get her so f.u.c.kin' fired." I didn't think anything of it until I went up to David and Nestor and said, "Who was Brooke talking about?" And they said, "Um ... you."

"Why?" I said.

"Because it's getting out that her marriage is fal ing apart, and Brooke thinks you're talking about it al over town."

Now, Brooke had come to my stand-up shows, and she was always very supportive of me, even as I told stories about Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan. But this was ridiculous. She thought I was talking to People People magazine about this guy who was hanging around the set al the time. His name was Chris Henchy, a comedy guy I'd known from those Dave Rath parties years ago. He was coming to the set twice a week, a set with fifty people around at any given time. How am I the only person who could have given out this info? magazine about this guy who was hanging around the set al the time. His name was Chris Henchy, a comedy guy I'd known from those Dave Rath parties years ago. He was coming to the set twice a week, a set with fifty people around at any given time. How am I the only person who could have given out this info?

Brooke confronted me about it, and I said, "I didn't leak anything about your marriage, but your boyfriend is coming by constantly. And besides, I don't know people at People." People."

So we had a big blowup, and we tried not to talk to each other. Which is funny when you're acting in the same scenes, doing run-throughs, together, and b.u.mping into each other frequently. Every time one of us would try to be alone, we'd run into the other. If Brooke wanted five minutes to go get coffee somewhere off set, that's when I'd be walking out some other door to go to my car. Eventual y, I went to this little diner to eat by myself, and sure enough, she shows up with her dog in tow.

There was n.o.body but me at a table, and Brooke and her dog at the counter. I final y just turned to her and said, "I would like your dog to stop fol owing me."

She laughed! And that's how we would make up. We'd have fights about nothing, then make up over nothing. I actual y get a tickle out of remembering our fights, because they were the times when I got to see a real side of Brooke that wasn't a perfect ice princess model. We had a lot of good girl talk over those years, many heart-to-hearts, and I real y miss that about her. I'm sure that she was relieved that I turned out to be more than a perfect ice princess model as wel .

The ratings for Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan were insane the first year, something like twenty mil ion viewers a week. You don't get those kinds of ratings anymore, unless you're were insane the first year, something like twenty mil ion viewers a week. You don't get those kinds of ratings anymore, unless you're American Idol American Idol. We were part of a Thursday night lineup that included Friends Friends and and Seinfeld Seinfeld, so to some extent we were going to be golden for a while. But n.o.body was accusing us of being as good as those shows, that's for sure. I was perfectly happy, of course, doing my thing as a sitcom sidekick-my dream gig-but I had to take s.h.i.t from people, too. Like from my former nemesis Jerry Seinfeld.

I went back to do another guest spot on Seinfeld as Seinfeld as the same character I played in my first appearance-Sal y Weaver-only this time the story line was taken from my experience with the real Seinfeld: In the episode, Sal y becomes a stand-up comedian who makes her living ragging on Jerry. Oh yeah, inspiring an episode of the same character I played in my first appearance-Sal y Weaver-only this time the story line was taken from my experience with the real Seinfeld: In the episode, Sal y becomes a stand-up comedian who makes her living ragging on Jerry. Oh yeah, inspiring an episode of Seinfeld Seinfeld is big-time. I remember walking on to that diner set having worked on is big-time. I remember walking on to that diner set having worked on Suddenly Suddenly Susan Susan al day, and there was Jerry al by himself sitting in one of the booths. I heard from across that stage, "Wel , wel , wel ! Look at Miss Famous!" I just thought, al day, and there was Jerry al by himself sitting in one of the booths. I heard from across that stage, "Wel , wel , wel ! Look at Miss Famous!" I just thought, All right, here we go All right, here we go. I figured I could either be a submissive dog who would rol over, or I can act like a peer. So I just sat down in the booth and said, "You real y were an a.s.shole that day."

He laughed real y hard. Whew.

It was actual y an amazing conversation, because Jerry had just declared to the world that he was going to end the show and go back to stand-up. He'd been on the cover of Time Time magazine with his announcement. I real y felt honored getting to spend time with him that week, this comedy icon who was closing up shop on America's favorite show. But boy, he would just be brutal to me about magazine with his announcement. I real y felt honored getting to spend time with him that week, this comedy icon who was closing up shop on America's favorite show. But boy, he would just be brutal to me about Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan.

"So," he'd say in that uniquely Seinfeldian cadence of his, "are you having fun over there at Suddenly Susan?" Suddenly Susan?"

"Yes, Jerry," I'd reply, knowing ful wel where this was going.

"Is that a ... is that a fun show to be on?"

"Not as funny as your show, of course, Jerry, but it's a fun show, yes.

Brooke Shields is very nice."

"I'm just curious. I mean, you were just over there, and now you're here. What do you think makes that show different from this show?"

"Jerry..."

"Is it the scripts? Would you say it's the scripts? It's probably the scripts, right? Do you think it's the scripts?"

Then I would have to say "Yes, Jerry, the scripts are obviously better here. And you're fantastic and wildly funny, and everything is better here.

Larry David, meanwhile, was making these hilarious phone cal s to me at the Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan set, roping me into similar conversations, too. set, roping me into similar conversations, too.

"Um, Griffin," he'd say over the phone. "What, uh ... what's going on over there this week on Suddenly Susan? Suddenly Susan? " "

I'd be like, "Larry, I don't want to do this now. It's taping day. I'm busy."

"No, no, I'm just cal ing ..."

"You're going to make fun of me for being on this show."

"NO! NO! No, I'm not. I'm not. Just tel me what's going on! What's the uh ... what's the 'A' story this week?" he'd say, referring to the primary story line of the episode.

"I'm not going to tel you."

"Aw, come on! Tel me! Tel me what they're writing over there."

I'd pause, then give in. "Wel , this week we're going camping and I have an evil twin."

Then he'd let me have it: "Oh G.o.d, you've gotta get off that show!

That's TERRIBLE! You're KIDDING me?!?! You CAN'T be doing a camping episode! You HAVE TO GET OFF THAT SHOW! Just leave!

Get in your car! Get in your car and leave!"

But why would I leave? I real y did have a dream job, and I was making good money. The first year of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan I made the same mistakes my friends did who went from earning $20,000 a year to $250,000. They'd get very loosey-goosey with money, buying things they couldn't afford, or just giving it away. So if somebody had a sob story, I wrote them a check. For tens of thousands of dol ars. Insane amounts of money. I had a learning curve that first year, and then mom's voice of frugality rang out in my head. I made the same mistakes my friends did who went from earning $20,000 a year to $250,000. They'd get very loosey-goosey with money, buying things they couldn't afford, or just giving it away. So if somebody had a sob story, I wrote them a check. For tens of thousands of dol ars. Insane amounts of money. I had a learning curve that first year, and then mom's voice of frugality rang out in my head.

The second year of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, I decided that after years of renting and living in tiny s.p.a.ces, I should own my own home. A big one. I always a.s.sumed I'd be doing something like this with a husband, but I was on a series, I was single, I hadn't met anybody, and I wanted to do something for myself. So I picked out a 3,300-square-foot house in the Hol ywood hil s, four bedrooms and three baths, big enough for me to have an office and a gym. (It's not the house you see on The D-List The D-List, but it was stil pretty major.) The whole cast came over the day I closed escrow, and they al made fun of me. "Why the hel did you buy this big house?" they al wanted to know.

"Because I have the money now," now," I said. "If I said. "If Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan goes away, if I break both my legs, if I can't continue to make a living, I could live in this house forever. I'm not buying this for now. I'm buying it for when I'm eighty. This is a big box I can die in." goes away, if I break both my legs, if I can't continue to make a living, I could live in this house forever. I'm not buying this for now. I'm buying it for when I'm eighty. This is a big box I can die in."

Looking back now, the size of the house for one person was a little ridiculous. Plus, I instantly embarked on a remodel, not knowing what the f.u.c.k I was doing. But I loved it, from the yearly formal Christmas parties I threw, to having celebrities as canyon neighbors. One night I was on the balcony talking on the phone, and across the ravine I could hear someone shouting, "I hear you, Kathy Griffin! Shut up!" It was none other than my goth-rocking neighbor Marilyn Manson.

That house marked me in the eyes of a lot of my alternative comedy peers as a sel out, especial y among the guys who simply didn't have the same priorities as me, like David Cross. Then two years later David's star was on the rise because of the HBO series Mr. Show with Mr. Show with Bob and David Bob and David, and he says to me, "Who's your Realtor?"

"Real y, David?" I said. "You're going to give in to The Man like that?"

Thanks to this sitcom I was on I was making good money, felt a sense of job security, and made some wonderful new friends. But another great thing about Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan was the revolving door of guest stars I had the opportunity to work with and observe. Some, of course, weren't big when they were on and I don't remember them now. Dane Cook had a line once. Ali Larter from was the revolving door of guest stars I had the opportunity to work with and observe. Some, of course, weren't big when they were on and I don't remember them now. Dane Cook had a line once. Ali Larter from Heroes Heroes saw me at a party recently and a friend had to remind me she was on the show. Ali said, "I was the water girl." saw me at a party recently and a friend had to remind me she was on the show. Ali said, "I was the water girl."

"Let me guess," I responded. "You came in with the Sparkletts bottle, you were s.e.xy, and Judd Nelson hit on you."

"Yeah!" she said.

The stunt casting, though-casting big names for a quick-and-easy ratings b.u.mp-yielded some choice experiences. It's how I got to know my friend Joan Rivers. She played my mom, and that was heaven. I had met her twice before, because her daughter, Melissa, was my student when I was a teacher at the Groundlings. But now we were working together, and we hit it off from the first day. She was complimentary toward me, and always had me laughing. She would improvise al the time, but the writers kept rejecting her lines. Their reasoning always had to do with things like camera placement and editing continuity, but I remember thinking, That's a bad call. If Joan Rivers is making up That's a bad call. If Joan Rivers is making up jokes, why don't you just use them? jokes, why don't you just use them?

Tommy Smothers was on once, too, but I admit I didn't know as much about him as I do now. He and his brother d.i.c.k were famous fighters against censorship when they had their groundbreaking variety show in the late '60s, and had I been aware of al that back then I would have tried to spend more time with him. He was very nice, though, and the last time I played in his neck of the woods in northern California, he sent me flowers and a gift.

Another legendary comedian we had on the show was Rodney Dangerfield. He liked me, too, but he was real y loud and obnoxious. He would always yel , "You're a funny b.i.t.c.h!" And I'd think, You couldn't You couldn't stop at "funny"? stop at "funny"? But he was old school. Also, he'd sit in his dressing room in his bathrobe with his bal s hanging out. He was flashing his crotch long before Paris and Britney. It wasn't on purpose or anything, but he'd have his boxers on and his man parts would just seep out. I'd walk by his dressing room and run into David and Nestor, who'd notice the look of shock and awe on my face, and say, "Aww, did you see Rodney's bal s again?" But he was old school. Also, he'd sit in his dressing room in his bathrobe with his bal s hanging out. He was flashing his crotch long before Paris and Britney. It wasn't on purpose or anything, but he'd have his boxers on and his man parts would just seep out. I'd walk by his dressing room and run into David and Nestor, who'd notice the look of shock and awe on my face, and say, "Aww, did you see Rodney's bal s again?"

Sometimes what a guest star exposed was more personal y surprising than anatomical y disturbing. Hulk Hogan was on for at least two episodes. This was long before his reality show, so n.o.body knew what he'd be like. He showed up with an acting coach, which we al thought was weird. But at the table read, he seemed to have a lot of trouble reading. Maybe he's dyslexic, but Hulk would memorize his lines as quickly as possible and run through them with this guy. It reminded me of when I did this short-lived sketch show Sat.u.r.day Night Special Sat.u.r.day Night Special the year before the year before Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, and Tupac Shakur was a guest, and he read in rehearsal like a first-grader. I kept thinking, How could Tupac How could Tupac Shakur have made all that money, and he still can't read? Shakur have made all that money, and he still can't read?

Then there was Leif Garrett-and by the way it's p.r.o.nounced "Lay-f"

not "Leaf," and he will will correct you-who showed up on the heels of his talked-about VH-1 correct you-who showed up on the heels of his talked-about VH-1 Behind the Music Behind the Music episode in which we saw the extent of his drug abuse and how he's gotten his life back together. The story was about how Susan finds her wish list from high school and decides to relive it, and one of the wishes was to go on a date with Leif. episode in which we saw the extent of his drug abuse and how he's gotten his life back together. The story was about how Susan finds her wish list from high school and decides to relive it, and one of the wishes was to go on a date with Leif.

Wel , he was completely nasty to me, but more important, he real y seemed under the influence every minute he was there. I'l never forget he had a ton of makeup on, which was a red flag, too. What are you covering up? Wel , he told me that when he was jacked up on black tar heroin, he would scratch his face to the bone. He mimed it for me with his two forefingers, scratching either side of his face real y fast like a chipmunk. I'l never forget him saying "to the bone." By the end of the week, he'd been such a p.r.i.c.k that I used to cal him "To the Bone"

Garrett to his face. From what I understand, he went on to relapse several times after that.

Al in al , Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan was a very interesting work environment. For a show that was so sugary sweet and middle-of-the-road in quality, it actual y had a backstage life that was very intense and biting. What was comical to me was how drama-fil ed it often was behind the scenes, al while we were putting out this squeaky-clean show. Brooke went through a divorce, and would have to occasional y deal with her drink-addicted mom. Judd was struggling with his own demons and left the show before the end of its run. And worst of al , we lost David Strickland when he took his own life in 1999, during our third season. It doesn't get more intense than that. was a very interesting work environment. For a show that was so sugary sweet and middle-of-the-road in quality, it actual y had a backstage life that was very intense and biting. What was comical to me was how drama-fil ed it often was behind the scenes, al while we were putting out this squeaky-clean show. Brooke went through a divorce, and would have to occasional y deal with her drink-addicted mom. Judd was struggling with his own demons and left the show before the end of its run. And worst of al , we lost David Strickland when he took his own life in 1999, during our third season. It doesn't get more intense than that.

The wonderful David Strickland and I doing a scene together. I miss him. (Photo: Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.) Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.) I loved David dearly, from day one. He was funny on the show, but he was even funnier off camera, and easily one of the funniest people I've ever known. At first, I was unaware of the extent of his problems, and then one day he showed up with short sleeves and he had severe scars on his arm from trying to commit suicide. They weren't little slices, either.

They were cuts that went lengthwise. It made me realize how often he wore long sleeves, something I hadn't picked up on previously.

We weren't close friends only at work; we also hung out off set. The fact that David was an addict rarely sank in with me because he was the unusual kind who even if he went missing on weekends-usual y accompanied by a 2 a.m. phone cal from Nestor saying, "David cal ed me from a hotel in Hol ywood, he's with somebody he doesn't know, and he's on crack"-stil showed up for work on Monday morning. That's why I never thought his drug abuse would lead to any major consequences.

He seemed to have a survival mechanism. I just thought he was one of those guys who goes on benders but has a part of him so driven and serious about his career that he's got to figure out a way to get his a.s.s to that table read at 8 a.m. on Monday, which he always did.

Looking back, I have a lot of guilt about one incident that showed how much I truly didn't understand how bad his addiction was. It was a Friday night, I was bored, and I cal ed him and said, "Do you want to go to Vegas tonight?" We were both single, so we got cash out of the ATM-"hundies" in our running-joke terminology-looked up the latest flight from LA, and got to the airport and ran down the terminal, David making me laugh as he yel ed out, "Wait! Wait for us! We have hundies!"

When we got to Vegas, we had a plan. It was going to be an eight-hour trip, in total. We'd land, I'd go play my beloved slots, he'd go play blackjack, and we'd meet up in a couple of hours to take the earliest Sat.u.r.day morning flight home. But since I'm not a drinking/drugging person, it didn't occur to me that that might be the last I saw of him for the entire weekend.

So as discussed, I'm waiting for him at Bal y's at the appointed time, and he's not there. I'm cal ing and cal ing and cal ing, and now I have to go to the airport and fly back home by myself at six in the morning. I was p.i.s.sed. I cal ed his mom, and cal ed Nestor, "We lost him again. I don't know where he is." Wel , sure enough, he f.u.c.king got his a.s.s to work Monday morning. I was yel ing at him, tel ing him not to ever do that to me again. He was repentant. Then he'd be fine for a while, go to AA, have a sponsor, and I'd be optimistic al over again. Surely, I tried to convince myself about David, "He can get it together at twenty-eight.

He's got his whole life ahead of him."

One day, though, about a month before he took his life, he pul ed me aside real y close during rehearsal and said, "I don't think I can ever quit drugs and alcohol." He said it so matter-of-factly. I said, "Oh David, yes you can. Keep going to your meetings!" But in truth, he and I never talked about his problem very seriously. If I got mad at him about one of his benders, I might not talk to him for a while, but looking back I wish I'd taken it more seriously. Because he could function at work, the fact that he seemed so good with finances, that he was dating Tiffani Amber- Thiessen from Beverly Hills 90210 Beverly Hills 90210 and madly in love with her, and that he had a big movie with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bul ock coming out, it always seemed to me that the sensible side of him would win out. and madly in love with her, and that he had a big movie with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bul ock coming out, it always seemed to me that the sensible side of him would win out.

It was a Monday when I learned what had happened. Steve Peterman, the creator of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, cal ed me in to Brooke's dressing room, where she was crying. Even then I thought, Maybe David's in the Maybe David's in the hospital again hospital again, because he had spent time in a psych ward once. That's when they told me he had taken his life. I don't remember physical y what happened next. I couldn't tel you if I was sitting on a couch or what, but I remember instantly wanting to know everything about how it happened. I thought if I knew how he did it, it would give me insight into his state of mind. They told me he'd hung himself. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It was such a message, such a visual picture, the suicide method that has the most despair. It broke my heart more than if he'd chosen another more pa.s.sive way. As if he were saying, "I'm so sad, I'm so despondent that I'm going to pick the most premeditative method possible so you know how much I real y wanted to do it."

Since then I've talked to a lot of people who have known relatives or loved ones who've committed suicide, and they always talk about getting angry at the person. I've never been able to get angry with David.

I understand those feelings, because it leaves people without parents, without children. But more than anything I'm just incredibly sad about it al . I saw him try. I saw him go to AA meetings. I saw him with his sponsors. I don't think he was cavalier about it. He showed up for work, knew his lines, was funny and smart. I can only think about how tragic it is that he was so sad that he felt like this was his only option. I'l always want to know more about that night, and to this day I have friends who think it's despicable that I even talk to Andy d.i.c.k, who was with David in Vegas his last night partying together before David went to a motel and

took his life. But I'l never stop asking Andy about that night. Maybe I'l get one more piece of information about what happened. David's mother once said to me, "Even if he had left a note, it wouldn't have answered anything." It's true, of course. What could he put in a note that would justify it?

Back at work, David's suicide was a very divisive issue for the cast. I completely understand now why married couples get divorced after losing a kid. I used to think, Wouldn't that make a couple closer? Wouldn't that make a couple closer? But how you grieve is a real y touchy thing. Barbara Barrie was like a second mom to me, but she was angry with David, almost flippant about his death, and for some reason I couldn't handle that, and it irreparably fractured my friendship with her. When Brooke did interviews about his suicide, there were those in the cast who resented her. She, on the other hand, saw it as a chance to communicate with people about this issue. I make no judgment cal s, but I can say it's a weird thing to reconcile the way others grieve. We shot a good-byeDavid episode, which at the time I didn't like at al and thought was tacky-we were going back to work too soon, I believed-but recently I caught a rerun of it late at night and it's actual y a wel -done, tasteful episode. I was sobbing. Although I remember the producers wanted to end the show with five minutes of David clips, and somehow via the network or studio it got negotiated down to a lot less. Al I could think was, But how you grieve is a real y touchy thing. Barbara Barrie was like a second mom to me, but she was angry with David, almost flippant about his death, and for some reason I couldn't handle that, and it irreparably fractured my friendship with her. When Brooke did interviews about his suicide, there were those in the cast who resented her. She, on the other hand, saw it as a chance to communicate with people about this issue. I make no judgment cal s, but I can say it's a weird thing to reconcile the way others grieve. We shot a good-byeDavid episode, which at the time I didn't like at al and thought was tacky-we were going back to work too soon, I believed-but recently I caught a rerun of it late at night and it's actual y a wel -done, tasteful episode. I was sobbing. Although I remember the producers wanted to end the show with five minutes of David clips, and somehow via the network or studio it got negotiated down to a lot less. Al I could think was, That's That's f.u.c.king cold. f.u.c.king cold.

I was with David nearly every day for four years. I real y loved that guy.

Although I've got a big enough family that I've had various older relatives pa.s.s away, I consider David my first loss. I stil keep a picture of him in my room, and I miss him every single day.

From my June 2009 Letterman appearance, and what's in my head is "Don't curse, don't curse, don't curse ..." (Photo: John Paul Filo/CBS. 2009 CBS Broadcasting Inc. Al Rights Reserved.)

Among the many perks Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan provided, getting to be on talk shows was a big one. Let's face it, if I could be a professional talk show guest, I'd do it. By entering that world, I was al owed a chance to meet people I never dreamed I'd get to, and then during the commercial break, hear al the crazy things celebrities sitting in your vicinity would say. I would soon learn who was cool, who wasn't, who got me, who didn't, and-of course-how easy it was to get on someone's s.h.i.t list. provided, getting to be on talk shows was a big one. Let's face it, if I could be a professional talk show guest, I'd do it. By entering that world, I was al owed a chance to meet people I never dreamed I'd get to, and then during the commercial break, hear al the crazy things celebrities sitting in your vicinity would say. I would soon learn who was cool, who wasn't, who got me, who didn't, and-of course-how easy it was to get on someone's s.h.i.t list.

When I started going on talk shows, it was a dream of mine to eventual y be sitting next to somebody I'd idolized. But sometimes your heroes turn out to be something completely different when you meet them. I found this out the hard way, and with hundreds of thousands of viewers watching.

Back in the late '90s, Martin Short had a late night-talk show, and I got to be a guest on the second night it aired. Marty wasn't the problem, though. I love him, and think he's hysterical. The honor of being the biggest a.s.shole would go to lead guest Steve Martin. I'd heard he was kind of cold, and not someone who was natural y, off-the-cuff funny. But I was stil excited to meet the best host Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live has ever had, and a guy whose longevity in comedy-from alb.u.ms to TV to movies-I always admired. I mean, come on, this guy is a legend in the comedy world. has ever had, and a guy whose longevity in comedy-from alb.u.ms to TV to movies-I always admired. I mean, come on, this guy is a legend in the comedy world.

Wel , let me tel you, he was a douche bag. He was such a douche bag it was like he was a caricature of a douche bag.

It always rubs me the wrong way when comedians are serious al the time. It just seems disingenuous to me. I understand that not everybody wants to be "on" al the time, but when you're suddenly an art expert, or writing plays like that piece of s.h.i.t Pica.s.so at the Lapin Agile Pica.s.so at the Lapin Agile, it seems you're making a conscious choice to be anything other than what made you a success. Martin Short, on the other hand, is so bril iant and quick and funny. I'm a big fan, and he's obviously completely comfortable as an entertainer.

It started with Steve Martin doing his bit, and al the while Marty talked to him like he was a head of state, taking every opportunity to defer to him. Then I came out. Steve wouldn't look at me or talk to me directly.

Marty would say, "How's it going?" I'd say, "Oh, this funny thing happened the other day ..." and then I'd just be chatting with him. But then Marty would lean over my lap and say to Steve, "Kathy is a stand-up comedian." Steve in his f.u.c.king Armani suit and crossed legs would nod, and add an "Ah" in an achingly bored tone.

I'd continue talking to Marty, and then Marty would lean over again, and say, "She does this real y great thing where she doesn't real y tel jokes, she kind of just gets up there and is free form. You feel like you're just having conversation."

Steve: "Ah."

I thought, You're s.h.i.tting me You're s.h.i.tting me.

I even turned to The Right Honorable Steve Martin and, doing my best not to gush, told him I was a fan and thought he was great. But he literal y did not say a word to me or look at me, and the whole thing was just uncomfortable. For me, for Marty, and for everyone watching the show.

Every time Marty did the lean-over to say something quietly to Steve, I wanted to say, "Why are you translating for him like he doesn't speak English?" The whole exchange felt like Marty was essential y saying, "What this horrible wild animal real y means, Steve, is that she went onstage last night at eight-thirty." He was working overtime to placate Steve. I know they're old friends, but Steve's "do I real y have to be here?" act was just weird. I should have said, "I'm sorry you're not in your gal ery wondering where Pica.s.so went next, a.s.shole." He is simply not pleasant. You would be hard-pressed to find five people who'd say, "He is a PISTOL at a party! Fun, warm, sweet, and just HILARIOUS!" I'm tel ing you, it can be tough to meet your idols.