Official Book Club Selection Part 5

me they loved me on SNL SNL. I never know if they think I'm Mol y Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say "Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed me as Mango.") But Lisa and Judy continued to encourage me with their support, saying, "Just be yourself. Try to do the stand-up that comes natural y to you, which is more like story-tel ing."

Andy d.i.c.k, Janeane, and me at a coffeehouse where we often performed.

Okay, then. No more doing wacky characters. I'm never going to be o n Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live. I was going to go up onstage and just talk about the s.h.i.t that happened to me that day.

In the early '90s, stand-up comedy was in a boom time. Stand-up shows were on several cable networks, from MTV to Lifetime to, of course, Comedy Central, and people around the country were getting to know the names Kevin Meaney, Judy Tenuta, Julie Brown, Emo Philips, Bobcat Goldthwait, Richard Jeni, Richard Lewis, Brian Regan, Ray Romano, and Rita Rudner, among many others. When it came to seeing these comics live, al anybody knew were the big-name clubs, and if you these comics live, al anybody knew were the big-name clubs, and if you wanted to break in as a comedian, those were the places to be. The Improv chain was popular then, and there were so many of them. Open mike night at the Santa Monica Improv was so humiliating, though. You had to go and stand in line in the afternoon and get a number like in a lottery, and then you just went on. I knew I'd hit the stage between the prop comic and the comic who talks about how he wants to kil his wife.

Plus, you had maybe five minutes tops, or sometimes only three. Brutal.

Real y, real y short sets. Afterward, you'd get notes from the co-owner of the Improv, Mark Lonow.

I would go there, talk about whatever happened to me that day, whatever I thought was funny, and of course I'd tank. One time, Mark said to me afterward, "You just talked about what happened to you today. You have to talk about things people can relate to."

I remembered that the comic before me had started his act saying, "So, I got a ticket on the way over here!" I was pretty sure that hadn't happened. So I brought that up. I said to Mark, "When that comedian said that, I as an audience member know he didn't get a ticket on the way over here."

"Wel , yeah," he said, "but you've got to make up stuff, make it relatable to people. Tel people you got a ticket on the way here."

I said, "But I didn't get a ticket didn't get a ticket on the way here. This other funny thing happened, though." on the way here. This other funny thing happened, though."

"People can't relate to that. Everybody's gotten a ticket."

"But I f.u.c.ked a guy in a donut shop. No one's with me on that?"

That was a weird conversation, like we were speaking different languages. But it lets you know the problem I have to this day. I'l sit there and say, "As if I'm the only person only person who's f.u.c.ked five guys from donut shops." I always think what I'm saying is funny and relatable, but real y it's just funny and not necessarily relatable. And this wasn't pa.s.sing muster with two-drink-minimum crowds who want routine jokes from a woman that start with "Men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em!" who's f.u.c.ked five guys from donut shops." I always think what I'm saying is funny and relatable, but real y it's just funny and not necessarily relatable. And this wasn't pa.s.sing muster with two-drink-minimum crowds who want routine jokes from a woman that start with "Men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em!"

It was during this time that I was struggling with the club scene when Judy said, "I have this girlfriend who does exactly what you do. Her name is Janeane Garofalo, and I want you to meet her."

Judy was set to perform a set at a bookstore on Beverly cal ed Big & Tal Books, and she asked me to do a set as wel . This was the furthest thing from a comedy club. There were maybe seven people in the audience, and two of those were comics: Colin Quinn and Janeane. The latte machine kept drowning us out, and there was a guy with a bunch of books and papers splayed out in front of him because he was studying for the bar exam, and he would keep looking up at us like, "Ugh, why are you bothering me?"

But it felt right. It was a casual setting where we each took turns doing about fifteen minutes of new material, sometimes looking down at our notes, simply trying to tel a story and make it as funny as possible.

Janeane came up to me afterward. Five foot two, jet black hair, Doc Martens, tattoos, and thick black eyeliner. She kind of looked like a gothic gang member. She was so cute! "Don't change one thing about what you do," she said. "Don't try to be a joke tel er. Stop Stop going to the Improv. You're not going to do wel at the Improv. You need to perform at alternative s.p.a.ces." going to the Improv. You're not going to do wel at the Improv. You need to perform at alternative s.p.a.ces."

That's when I said, "If I can get theater s.p.a.ce, would you do shows with me and Judy?"

She said yes.

And by the way, I stil don't think that comedian got a ticket on his way to the Improv. He was just making that s.h.i.t up.

My good friend Margaret Cho, who was a big supporter of my efforts at stand-up.

When I got into stand-up in the early '90s, it was a time when the brick wal era of comedy-named after the backdrop always used for comedy clubs-was so prevalent that for certain audiences, that style of rigidly formatted joke tel ing had become dul . People were beginning to feel they'd heard al the differences between New Yorkers and LA people, between men and women, between cats and dogs, and al the setup/punchline combos as wel . Plus, the scene was a breeding ground for hackery. I knew people who would sc.r.a.pe together ten, fifteen minutes of material, do it over and over from club to club, and get a mil ion-dol ar television development deal.

I didn't know how to write a one-liner to save my life. I stil don't.

The scene Judy, Janeane, and I were a part of, though, felt like something special. I wanted to take advantage of this emerging buzz for what was being cal ed alternative comedy that was happening at bookstores and coffeehouses and showcases like Un-Cabaret, which comedian Beth Lapides would set up from week to week in a different place. It was a niche market waiting to be tapped. Taking a cue from my mother's scholarship-hunting abilities, I found a loophole in the Groundlings membership book that said a member in current good standing could have the theater for free on Mondays-when there were no cla.s.ses or show-"if no one else has used it for any other reason."

I booked the theater for every Monday in July. Judy and I made flyers, copied them at Kinko's, and cal ed our night Hot Cup O' Talk.

The setup was four comics: me, Judy, Janeane, and one other person. We tried to make it al girls-Margaret Cho, Laura Kightlinger, if they could-but occasional y it'd be guys like Dana Gould or Taylor Negron, who were always welcome. We charged a dol ar at the door, because we were convinced n.o.body would come if we asked for two.

We also hoped that being scheduled on a weeknight might make it easier for industry people to show up.

The concept I came up with for the show was that I would go on stage first with an egg timer and set it for fifteen minutes. I'd tel the crowd, "When the bel goes off, I'm bringing out the next comic." Then it was a baton pa.s.s, with the next comic doing fifteen minutes and bringing out the one after her or him. This way, people knew that it would literal y take only an hour of their time. (Industry people loved that. And it only made them one hour late for their lap dances.) The rules for performing at Hot Cup O' Talk were that if you had a forty-five-minute set that kil ed at the comedy club, you were not al owed to perform anything from it. People like Janeane were stoked: "Awesome," she said. "I don't have a comedy club set." But even comedians from the conventional circuit said, "Great." Guys like Dana and Andy Kindler enjoyed it because they had other material bubbling up inside them that just didn't work at the Improv or the Comedy Store or the Laugh Factory. They wanted a safe place to try something new.

Another rule we had was, you could never repeat material. Ever! You had to have a new fifteen-minute set every time. I would usual y tel one long story, but someone else might do a bunch of little bits, or a character. Sometimes somebody would have a guitar.

I realized that I bombed at clubs because I disrupted the standard listening rhythm of setup/punchline, setup/punchline, and the crowd just couldn't or wouldn't switch gears. What was great about Un-Cab and Hot Cup O' Talk was the audience walked in with the understanding that they didn't know what to expect. They might get seven minutes that slay, then eight minutes that ramble. At the clubs, there's a feeling of "We've paid this much, we're forced to buy two drinks, they're c.r.a.ppy drinks, the comedians don't know each other, it's not a community, and you'd better f.u.c.king deliver those laughs per minute." I remember once I was talking to a comic I met at an open mike night-okay, okay, I banged him, too -and he told me, "I have to get a laugh every twenty seconds, and when I'm doing my act, I count the seconds in my head." He said when he got to twenty, if he hadn't gotten a laugh, he knew by twenty-one or twenty-two he had to start a whole new topic.

Holy f.u.c.k, who has the time or concentration for that bul s.h.i.t? I could never count count while I was tel ing a story. That doesn't mean I didn't sweat if I wasn't getting a laugh. But to be so precise seemed robotic. I mean, I know there are technical y proficient comedians who are great. But we were the anti-technicians. Janeane's big line to me was, "Kathleen, you can't possibly care what the audience thinks." It's so liberating to think that. It doesn't mean you don't want the audience to laugh. It means you're driven by what while I was tel ing a story. That doesn't mean I didn't sweat if I wasn't getting a laugh. But to be so precise seemed robotic. I mean, I know there are technical y proficient comedians who are great. But we were the anti-technicians. Janeane's big line to me was, "Kathleen, you can't possibly care what the audience thinks." It's so liberating to think that. It doesn't mean you don't want the audience to laugh. It means you're driven by what you you think is funny. think is funny.

Besides, when you see a regular stand-up, they probably aren't as revealing as we were being. I was going up onstage and innocently talking about how I'd taken seven laxatives because I felt bloated and thought it'd be great to just go to the bathroom for an entire day. Or my fear of camping: I'm convinced bugs wil crawl up my v.a.g.i.n.a and lay eggs. Isn't everyone? We al had audition horror stories, although mine were mostly about auditioning and not getting jobs.

The reason my stories about auditioning were, if I might say, hilarious, is because I suck suck at auditioning. And I don't mean I blow the casting director. I wish it were that easy. I mean I am a terrible auditioner. What I'm good at is the kibitzing, so when I go into an audition, I'm so concerned with making the room laugh-which I invariably do-that I forget the pesky details, like preparing for the role, or memorizing the lines. Every so often, I would even have an audition for a real live movie that would come out. Once, years later, I auditioned for a big-budget movie cal ed at auditioning. And I don't mean I blow the casting director. I wish it were that easy. I mean I am a terrible auditioner. What I'm good at is the kibitzing, so when I go into an audition, I'm so concerned with making the room laugh-which I invariably do-that I forget the pesky details, like preparing for the role, or memorizing the lines. Every so often, I would even have an audition for a real live movie that would come out. Once, years later, I auditioned for a big-budget movie cal ed The Whole Nine Yards The Whole Nine Yards, starring Matthew Perry and Bruce Wil is. I guess I should have prepared for my audition like a normal actress, but al I could think was, What if Bruce Willis is in the room and What if Bruce Willis is in the room and makes one of his dumb jokes that leading men always make when makes one of his dumb jokes that leading men always make when they think they're funny? What will I do? Will I have to pretend to they think they're funny? What will I do? Will I have to pretend to laugh? Yes, Kathy laugh? Yes, Kathy. Was I serious about my craft? No. But But, get this!

Guess who was sitting next to me on the folding chair at that audition?

Soon-to-be Oscar nominee Laura Linney! Laura Linney! I was so excited to talk to her that I just folded my script and put it in my purse. I tried to act very casual, not starstruck in any way, as if I auditioned for several major feature films a week. But real y I just wanted to tel my mom and dad that I met her. She was so nice, too, I couldn't get over it. And the best part is I was so excited to talk to her that I just folded my script and put it in my purse. I tried to act very casual, not starstruck in any way, as if I auditioned for several major feature films a week. But real y I just wanted to tel my mom and dad that I met her. She was so nice, too, I couldn't get over it. And the best part is ... right before it was my turn to audition, she said, "I just have to tel you, I think you are so funny." The rest was a blur. I think some real y fat, unattractive girl named Amanda Peet got the role. I don't think she ever worked after that. It's real y kind of sad when you think about it. Have I mentioned that I totally know totally know Laura Linney? Laura Linney?

Anyway, audition stories were a big part of those stand-up nights. As for the others, if Janeane had had a tough day on the set of Reality Reality Bites Bites with Winona Ryder and Ben Stil er, it would come out onstage that night. Then you had Andy d.i.c.k talking about bingeing on drugs, or getting into a fistfight with Wesley Snipes because he used the "n" word, Wesley overheard it, and punched Andy in the face outside the bathroom of a nightclub. How does "I got a fake f.u.c.king ticket on the way over here" top that s.h.i.t? with Winona Ryder and Ben Stil er, it would come out onstage that night. Then you had Andy d.i.c.k talking about bingeing on drugs, or getting into a fistfight with Wesley Snipes because he used the "n" word, Wesley overheard it, and punched Andy in the face outside the bathroom of a nightclub. How does "I got a fake f.u.c.king ticket on the way over here" top that s.h.i.t?

Hot Cup O' Talk and the Un-Cab started to attract people who were into doing things differently. Word got out that there was a place to go in LA if you were a comic but you didn't tel standard jokes, or kept bombing at the Improv. In fact, it was kind of a migration. Comedians were arriving from clubs and improv theaters around the country to be in on the ground floor of this alternative comedy scene. Janeane was starting to hit big because of The Ben Stiller Show The Ben Stiller Show and and Reality Bites Reality Bites, so everybody came to see her, which was great and made Hot Cup O'

Talk an instant hit. But she also brought into the fold a lot of people who

weren't real y comedians-Chicago Second City guys like Bob Odenkirk and Andy d.i.c.k. David Cross was from an improv group in Boston, Tom Kenny-now the voice of SpongeBob-came down from the San Francisco club scene. They loved the free-form nature of what we were doing. It's not like I auditioned comics for Hot Cup O' Talk. The pool of alternative comics was smal enough that pretty much the same folks who did Un-Cabaret and any other alternative venues at that time -the Borders bookstore on La Cienega, a coffeehouse in Santa Monica, etc.-would rotate in and out of Hot Cup. And what I kept hearing over and over from people who came to see the show was, "Ugh, I normal y hate going to see stand-up comedy, but this doesn't feel like stand-up. It feels like somebody just talking to me, like I was with friends and they were making me laugh."

Two not-at-al -bitter female comics.

Was it a coincidence that I gravitated toward the girl comics more than the boys? Or was it deliberate? A little bit of both. The girls were ten times more supportive-of me and each other-than the boys, for whatever reason. Obviously I could relate to the girls more, and one of the topics that came up-and stil does to this day-is the raging, out-of-control, 1950s-style, backward, Mad Mad- Men- Men- like-you-can't-believe-it level of s.e.xism in stand-up comedy. It always p.i.s.ses me off when I'm cal ing in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote G.o.d-only-knows what like-you-can't-believe-it level of s.e.xism in stand-up comedy. It always p.i.s.ses me off when I'm cal ing in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote G.o.d-only-knows what -probably this book, so get ready, I'm comin'-when the DJ actual y tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: "So Kath, I don't know what you chicks are always complaining about." To which I respond: "Real y? Why don't you cal your local comedy club and ask for the Sat.u.r.day night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You d.i.c.k-wad."

It was organic, then, that I developed a camaraderie with my posse of female comics. We hung out together so much that we ended up on the same f.u.c.king menstrual cycle. I was starting to feel like part of a group, and even though some of them were my contemporaries, I was personal y very starstruck by their talent.

Janeane and I spent many, many hours together talking and eating, and eating and talking, at a dining establishment cal ed The Soup Plantation. (It's a plantation with soup.) The talk was gossip and boys and the history of comedy and who we liked and didn't like. Laura Kightlinger was this tal , beautiful model-looking girl who was real y too hot to be a stand-up comedian. She rescued me after one of my worst breakups ever by forcing me to go to a screening of Waiting to Exhale Waiting to Exhale.

It was al I could do not to start a smal car fire somewhere in Manhattan that night, a la Ms. Angela Ba.s.sett. Were I to then be asked by the hot, white fireman, "Did you know you're only supposed to set trash on fire, ma'am?" I would respond, "It is is tra.s.ssshhhhhh." That movie did make me feel better. Margaret Cho, not one to be afraid of a torn pair of neon pink tights, saw me do stand-up the third time I ever tried it. She was instantly sweet, and took me under her wing. She gave me great advice that mirrored what Janeane, Laura, and Judy said: Don't change what you're doing. Just get better at it. It wasn't til later that I found out this sweet, semi-shy and, believe it or not, when offstage quite soft-spoken woman had a day job where she worked at a s.e.x toy shop, so she could reference this unique employment in her act, and not have to make anything up. tra.s.ssshhhhhh." That movie did make me feel better. Margaret Cho, not one to be afraid of a torn pair of neon pink tights, saw me do stand-up the third time I ever tried it. She was instantly sweet, and took me under her wing. She gave me great advice that mirrored what Janeane, Laura, and Judy said: Don't change what you're doing. Just get better at it. It wasn't til later that I found out this sweet, semi-shy and, believe it or not, when offstage quite soft-spoken woman had a day job where she worked at a s.e.x toy shop, so she could reference this unique employment in her act, and not have to make anything up.

Also, these comedians al kept me on my toes. When comedians socialize, chances are we're not just talking to each other. We're talking, listening, and let's face it, always trying out new material. This is when my friends started interrupting a conversation with me if they laughed, and saying, "Are you just trying out your act now?" I'l be honest. Yes, I am.

We al hung out together almost every night, mostly at a house in Laurel Canyon shared by a talent manager named Dave Rath and a couple of comedians. It was the party house. Jay Mohr lived next door, and he was doing so wel with movie parts and being a cast member on Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live that we pretty much considered him a celebrity. I met Ben Stil er there. He was already wel known because of his MTV that we pretty much considered him a celebrity. I met Ben Stil er there. He was already wel known because of his MTV show and Emmy-winning Fox sketch series The Ben Stiller Show The Ben Stiller Show that featured Janeane, Andy d.i.c.k, and Bob Odenkirk. Hanging out at that house was also how I met people like Judd Apatow (writer/director of that featured Janeane, Andy d.i.c.k, and Bob Odenkirk. Hanging out at that house was also how I met people like Judd Apatow (writer/director of The 40 Year Old Virgin The 40 Year Old Virgin and and Knocked Up) Knocked Up), Dave Attel (host of Comedy Central's Insomniac) Insomniac), Patton Oswalt (The King of Queens (The King of Queens and the lead voice in and the lead voice in Ratatouille) Ratatouille), Mary Lynn Rajskub (24) (24) and future late-night host Conan O'Brien. Seemingly every writer on network or cable television was there as wel . This was also when Janeane introduced me to Sarah Silverman, whom I've known since the day she moved to LA. Sarah was and future late-night host Conan O'Brien. Seemingly every writer on network or cable television was there as wel . This was also when Janeane introduced me to Sarah Silverman, whom I've known since the day she moved to LA. Sarah was -hel , is is-gorgeous in her cut-off shorts and tank top, and she knew al the boy comics. I was so envious of that because I could never real y get in with them. Janeane had the cool factor with the guys. Sarah was the one they al wanted to marry. And I was the pesky flea.

Then again, I was the one going up and talking about these guys in my act, commenting on them maybe a little too much. When you hang out with Andy d.i.c.k six nights a week, eventual y one of those nights your set is going to be about the time you were making out with some guy in the bathroom and Andy bursts in and yel s, "I want to f.u.c.k your boyfriend!

Yeah, that's right, I school-of-rocked Jack Black's world.

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That's right. I f.u.c.ked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that's a relationship in my book.

And by the way, this is my book.

I met Jack through this same crowd, too. Of course, I thought he was a weirdo, and was therefore instantly attracted to him. When we started dating, I took him home to meet the parents, and Mom said to me later, "OH! he's got those SERIAL KILLER eyes! I don't trust him. Did you see him in that Bob Roberts Bob Roberts movie? He looked like a SERIAL KILLER!" movie? He looked like a SERIAL KILLER!"

First Rod Serling, now this. "Wel , yeah, Jack plays a stalker in it, Mom," I said.

She replied, "He plays that part so good, I think he's like that!"

Wel , Jack and I pretty much were complete opposites. I was always kind of a neatnik, a stickler for rules, and Jack would smoke pot and play video games al day. But don't get me wrong, Jack is actual y very hardworking, and knows his s.h.i.t. He's very sweet and fun, and very driven. He only kind of acts like a rocker pothead dude. Compared to him, I was stuffy. I had a car that ran. He didn't. I had a clean apartment, and he lived in this filthy place, littered with video games and bongs.

When Judy met him, she said to me, "Kitten, I can't believe you're dating Pig Pen from Peanuts. Every time he walks I see a cloud of dirt above his head."

One time, I spent the night at Jack's place. I got up the next morning to take a shower so I could leave. He stayed in bed. When I stepped out of the shower onto the towel on the floor, I couldn't find anything to dry myself with. "Jack, where are the towels?" I yel ed out, dripping.

He said, "Um, I just have one that I use for a bathmat and a towel."

"What?" I said. "That thing thing on the floor? I'm supposed to pick it up and dry my body with it?" on the floor? I'm supposed to pick it up and dry my body with it?"

"What's the problem?"

Oh, Pig Pen.

Even though the general population didn't know who Jack Black was at the time-this was when he and Kyle Ga.s.s's folk/metal parody act Tenacious D was just starting out, when Bob Roberts Bob Roberts was his biggest role-he did get mad at me because I talked about him onstage. When our brief fling ended, I got up at Un-Cabaret and did a bit about how Jack dumped me for Andy d.i.c.k, because they had started hanging out and became their own mutual admiration society about each other's comedy. Wel , even though there probably wasn't a single guy I knew who I hadn't gone up onstage and talked about, Jack and Andy were staring daggers at me after that set. I remember thinking, was his biggest role-he did get mad at me because I talked about him onstage. When our brief fling ended, I got up at Un-Cabaret and did a bit about how Jack dumped me for Andy d.i.c.k, because they had started hanging out and became their own mutual admiration society about each other's comedy. Wel , even though there probably wasn't a single guy I knew who I hadn't gone up onstage and talked about, Jack and Andy were staring daggers at me after that set. I remember thinking, I don't care. I don't care.

You broke up with me, Jack. And Andy, you're probably high.

They got over it very quickly, and that was about the biggest dustup I ever had in those days pertaining to anything I said onstage. That's because the crowds were smal , the same two hundred people usual y who were fans of the scene, and this was in the pre-blogging days, when what you said in your act didn't necessarily go anywhere, and someone like me could real y get away with murder. What I said just died on the vine. I could go up and talk about what Winona Ryder ate when Janeane took me to her house to watch John Ca.s.savetes movies -she was real y more of a food picker, I never saw her have a whole meal, that's how she stays waif-y-and you certainly weren't going to read about it the next day on Perezhilton. But Jack and Andy's mini-snit probably foreshadowed how this kind of material might upset a famous person not accustomed to having their bul s.h.i.t exposed. Not that I'm complaining here, but there's something about the safety of a theater.

See me live these days, and you wil get a much more eyebrow-raising act than anything you'd hear me say on a talk show or The D-List The D-List. In other words, if your name is Clay Aiken, you probably don't want to come to one of my stand-up shows. It may not go your way.

Nowadays when I see Jack, it's on the red carpet, and it's like high school al over again: as in he won't say hi to me. Maybe not out of any choice on his part. I don't think he's trying to be rude. I get it; the guy's a little busy these days. Huge movie star, wife and kids, the whole thing.

Let's face it, he's an A-lister. I remember being at the Grammys and looking at him up on the podium as he presented an award and thinking, That's so great. He's a giant movie star now That's so great. He's a giant movie star now. It's the transient nature of show business friendships and relationships. It's a bittersweet thing.

There was a period when we al saw each other al the time. None of us had money to travel, but we could al hang out at someone's house.

Inevitably, though, I started to lose friends to fame. I learned a lot about what happens when someone goes from not being famous to being famous very quickly. Janeane got so hot, she wasn't just wel known: Girls wanted to be be her and duplicate that Doc Martens-and-black-tights look of hers. I remember visiting Garofalo at one of the Chateau Marmont bungalows, and there were flowers everywhere from studio and network people. I was so happy for her, but also a little jealous. I wasn't getting flowers, not even from donut fryers. I mean donut her and duplicate that Doc Martens-and-black-tights look of hers. I remember visiting Garofalo at one of the Chateau Marmont bungalows, and there were flowers everywhere from studio and network people. I was so happy for her, but also a little jealous. I wasn't getting flowers, not even from donut fryers. I mean donut chefs chefs.

I went from seeing Mol y Shannon al the time at Dave Rath's house, doing shows with her, to not seeing her for years after she got Sat.u.r.day Sat.u.r.day Night Live Night Live. I ran into Mol y after her first year on the show. I was so happy to hear that she was having a great time. I distinctly remember her saying, "A year ago I was a hostess at Hugo's restaurant. I can't believe I get to do this now!"

That drift occurred with Cho, too. She had been doing Un-Cabaret and Hot Cup O' Talk constantly, and then al of the sudden she got her own ABC show, All American Girl All American Girl, and none of us saw her anymore. I remember one of our mutual girlfriends saying, "Wel , she's caught up in the machine now."

"What machine?" I said.

"You're on a television show," she said, "so you've got to lose the weight, get a trainer, take fen-phen, and you can't stay up til four in the morning because you've got to be at work at eight a.m. the next day."

It happened to Lisa Kudrow, as wel . We were never best friends, but we spent a lot of time together because of the Groundlings and often

auditioned for the same parts in sitcoms. My favorite story about Lisa is that when I was hanging with her, she had long black hair and real b.o.o.bs. She got a few guest spot gigs, like on Cheers Cheers, but she felt like she wasn't getting any traction. So one day she said, "I'm gonna dye my hair blond, I'm gonna get a nose job, and I'm gonna get fake b.o.o.bs." (I remember after she got the b.o.o.b job, she was playful y knocking on them one day, and this girl walked by and said, "You might as wel enjoy 'em, you bought 'em.") Wel , it helped change her career overnight. She got Mad About You Mad About You right after that, and then right after that, and then Friends Friends. Then her career just took off into the sky. I remember in the week or so after Friends Friends premiered, we ran into each other at a mal . At Cinnabon, to be exact, a place Lisa referred to as "life-changing." During our chat she said to me, "You know, I think this show is gonna actual y end up being pretty good." Wel , if it had been a month later-after premiered, we ran into each other at a mal . At Cinnabon, to be exact, a place Lisa referred to as "life-changing." During our chat she said to me, "You know, I think this show is gonna actual y end up being pretty good." Wel , if it had been a month later-after Friends Friends. .h.i.t the stratosphere-I doubt she'd have been able to be at that mal without a bodyguard. I remember thinking, hit the stratosphere-I doubt she'd have been able to be at that mal without a bodyguard. I remember thinking, I'm not going to see Lisa for five years now I'm not going to see Lisa for five years now.

But then I started to get my own foothold in TV shows, from an HBO special to a few choice guest spots in wel -known sitcoms, and I was final y on my way. I was only a few years away from becoming an overnight success.

George Clooney clearly has his hand on my a.s.s, and Quentin Tarantino told him to put it there.

So my luck with television shows started to improve after I became a stand-up, and it was about time. Obviously, my dazzling network debut four years four years earlier-on an episode of earlier-on an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air during its first season-hadn't turned into the avalanche of offers I thought it would. during its first season-hadn't turned into the avalanche of offers I thought it would.

B ut Fresh Prince Fresh Prince had been a pretty memorable experience. After doing student movies and training films-or "industrials"-for corporate ent.i.ties, snagging a part on something that even my aunt Florence in Berwyn, Il inois, could watch was pretty exciting. had been a pretty memorable experience. After doing student movies and training films-or "industrials"-for corporate ent.i.ties, snagging a part on something that even my aunt Florence in Berwyn, Il inois, could watch was pretty exciting.

It was the fourth episode ever of Fresh Prince Fresh Prince, and when I went to the table read of the script, the show hadn't even begun airing yet. This was the fal of 1990. As you might imagine, my heart was racing at having a smal guest role on what was promising to be a hit show. Wil Smith wasn't a big film star at that point, but he was stil a giant figure in rap.

Music legend Quincy Jones, who was there that day, was the executive producer, and then for some reason civil rights activist Andrew Young was also there. Holy s.h.i.t Holy s.h.i.t, I thought. This is f.u.c.king big-time. This is not This is f.u.c.king big-time. This is not a normal gig. I'd better not trample on anyone's civil rights today a normal gig. I'd better not trample on anyone's civil rights today.

For those of you not in the biz, a table read is when the cast reads the script out loud for the first time, usual y with al the writers and producers there as wel . I had only a few lines, and I was trying to be casual by turning the page at the same time as everyone else, but al I wanted to do was flip to my page and read my part over and over. "Be in the moment, Kathy, you're playing a character," I had to tel myself.

And it was a real stretch, my character. I was the honky.

I remember looking at the writing staff, though, and seeing only one black guy. The two show runners were this white married couple, Andy and Susan Borowitz. What two New York, uptown Jews were doing writing a rap-themed show, I do not know. But I remember a couple of times during the read-through, Andy would say to Wil , "Is that how you would say it?" Then Wil would add some "flava." The consultation and correcting of lines was much more hilarious than the script itself.

When it came to my first line, I got a laugh. What was weird was, it wasn't a joke. And then when I read the joke line, I got a monster laugh.

Believe me, not only was I not that funny, the line certainly wasn't. But that's when I first learned that table reads are notoriously uncomfortable situations because people laugh way too loud and way too often, especial y writers responding to their own jokes.

Afterward, somebody asked the lead actors about their impressions of the script. This is the part I'l never forget, it was so cliched and genius about actors. Janet Hubert, who played the aunt to Wil Smith's character, said, "I think what's lacking is a scene where Wil and I sit down one on one and we talk about what Aunt Viv went through when she went to col ege." Then the guy who played her husband said, "It seems to me there should be a scene where Wil and his uncle go golfing to discuss things." The girl who played their daughter said, "Shouldn't there be a scene where Wil and I go shopping?"

I'm listening to this thinking, So what each of you is saying is, the So what each of you is saying is, the script would be better if only you were in it a lot more script would be better if only you were in it a lot more. They were al so unaware of how they sounded, too. I should have raised my hand and said, "I think the honky should talk more!"

Overal , though, my week on the set was a blast. I made friends with the woman who played the grandmother-a veteran actress by the name of Virginia Capers-with whom I shared a tiny dressing room.

She would cook soul food and bring it every day, and I'd listen to her tel stories from her life in movies and television. Flavor Flav from Public Enemy showed up for no reason on the night we taped and got on the mike and the crowd went wild. There was a DJ, too, playing dance music as if it were a nightclub. As for Wil , he didn't have time for me al week, which was understandable, but he was a different person on show night, bonding with the actors right before performing with them. It was very smart. Before my scene with him, we were dancing together and chatting, and he was extremely charming. Even though he was new to television, he clearly had a sense of knowing when to turn it on and with whom.

I was a n.o.body when I did The Fresh Prince of Bel Air The Fresh Prince of Bel Air , but by the time I filmed a guest spot on El en DeGeneres's sitcom, , but by the time I filmed a guest spot on El en DeGeneres's sitcom, Ellen Ellen, in the mid- '90s, I was a little more known-somewhat from stand-up, but mostly from that Kenwood commercial on which I droningly recited "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," which had become hugely popular.

The table read for Ellen Ellen was tense. She ran that room with an iron fist, and you could tel people were nervous around her. If was tense. She ran that room with an iron fist, and you could tel people were nervous around her. If she she laughed, laughed, they they laughed, and if she didn't, n.o.body dared to. I remember I walked in, and El en seemed very friendly. She said, "Oh, you're the girl from that commercial!" laughed, and if she didn't, n.o.body dared to. I remember I walked in, and El en seemed very friendly. She said, "Oh, you're the girl from that commercial!"

I was real y excited that she recognized me, and I sort of felt a little bit famous, so I had fun with it. "Why yes, that's me!" I said.