Obsessed: America's Food Addiction--and My Own Part 9

Senator Gillibrand also looks for teaching moments. On Theo's birthday, she allowed the boys to choose whatever they wanted for breakfast. Theo had cereal and fruit, and then took a cookie on his way out. Four-year-old Henry decided to just have sugar for breakfast: cookies, cake, and candy.

En route to school, Henry fell asleep on her shoulder, and couldn't even walk into day care. "When he said, 'Mommy, I'm so tired!' I said, 'Well, what did you have for breakfast?'" That gave her a chance to explain that he needed protein, not sugar at breakfast, and that he would feel tired without it. Now, "when Henry asks for anything other than a healthy breakfast, I say, 'How did that sugar make you feel, Henry?' And he says, 'It made me feel tired.'"

Although I try hard to model a healthy att.i.tude toward food, there is no hiding the truth about my own challenges from my kids, and I do worry about imposing an eating disorder on them.

I know that's a real risk. "We do see a lot of families with multigenerational eating disorders," says Margo. "That doesn't mean genes. It means the shared heritable environment. That would include how the family related to food, weight, body image, and appearance. How did they tolerate or encourage emotions? What did they teach about perfectionism? And was that child ever allowed to feel 'good enough'?"

Other risk factors for eating disorders are temperament, family history of depression, anxiety, addictions, and obsessive tendencies, according to Margo. Stressors, such as trauma, loss, or difficulty communicating, can also play a role. "It is the environmental influences that turn the tide; genetics are an indirect influence. In other words, nature needs nurture."

Margo had already suggested that I channeled the high expectations of my family and my own concerns about fitting in into managing my body. That's why I know it's really important to give my daughters the words to talk about food and body image. "When kids have ways of expressing those feelings, they are less likely to do that," Margo said.

I also need to be really careful about the messages that I send my girls, either consciously or unconsciously. "Mothers need to think about what they're projecting, even without saying anything about their kids' weight," warns Emily Senay. "Constantly dieting or any sort of disordered eating in front of your own children is not going to help them. It's going to hurt them. Women have to decide how they're going to be comfortable with themselves before they can really engage their children."

Lisa Powell agrees. "We live in a culture where thin is beautiful and mothers want their daughters and their sons to look a certain way. I think there's a real need for acceptance of a range of body types and styles," she says.

We live in a culture where thin is beautiful and mothers want their daughters and their sons to look a certain way. I think there's a real need for acceptance of a range of body types and styles.

-Lisa Powell Parents also have to recognize that children have spurts in their height and weight, and we shouldn't get too stressed about them. "Girls have to gain weight in order to go into p.u.b.erty," Margo reminded me. "Between the ages of ten and fourteen girls need to gain forty to fifty pounds and grow ten to twelve inches.

"That's a hard process these days when we're so attuned to weight and size. We're afraid that someone will gain weight as a preteen and be obese forever. We're making so many kids so horribly self-conscious about their bodies and fearful that if they eat anything at all it's against the rules, and they're going to get their parents' disapproval."

So how do I avoid that, but still keep my kids on track? Sometimes I am afraid that raising the topic of weight will promote an eating disorder, instead of helping them sidestep it. I know from talking with my friends that I'm not the only mom who feels that way. A lot of us worry about subconsciously sending negative messages to our daughters, or projecting our own fears onto them.

"But that's the same argument for not talking to your kids about s.e.x. It's the misconception that if you talk to them they will then go out and be s.e.xually active," said Nancy Snyderman. "Start talking in kindergarten. Don't wait until they're thirteen. This is all better if it becomes a part of your family conversations."

Chances are your children already know a child suffering from disordered eating. Emily Senay recommends being very direct and asking, "How does it make you feel when you hear that so-and-so is doing this? Do you feel pressure to do anything like that?"

If your child already has a weight problem, there's an art to talking about that, too. Focusing on health can be helpful, Emily says. "I think you have to opt for questions about health such as, 'Is this the healthiest way to be?' 'Is this the best way for you to run faster and hang out with other kids?'"

But before you even raise the issue, do some soul searching about what's going on in your home, and whether you need to make some changes there first. "What doesn't work is saying, 'Sweetie pie, you're fat, you've got to solve it,' but in the meantime the family's going on exactly the way they have," warns Nancy. "It's a little bit like your spouse has lung cancer but you're not going to quit smoking."

When you raise your concerns, remind your kids how much you love them. That was the approach Nancy took with her own daughter. "I want my heavy child to lose weight, and I've said to her outright, 'I need you to live longer than your mother. If you don't lose thirty pounds, I worry that I will outlive you. And you can't do that to me.' And she heard me.

"I said to her, 'You are an adult now. I need you to have a big, wonderful, fabulous life, and I'm worried that you won't.' She listened, and she's made all these little changes in her life that have allowed her to drop fifteen pounds.

"I couldn't make it about being s.e.xy; it couldn't be about comparing her to her sister. It had to be about the fact that I as her mother need her to be healthy because I love her that much. And she got the message."

The other part of the equation is making sure that exercise is a family activity. Yes, we've got to put gym back in the schools, too, but the commitment begins at home. We should start by making a vow to pull the kids away from the TV or the computer and do something active together every day.

That can be a challenge even for parents who are fit, because a lot of us confine our exercise to the gym. Not good enough, says Lisa Powell. "That just relegates activity to a finite period: I am going to be active now and then sit in front of the television the rest of the day. What kid doesn't want to go do something fun with their parents?"

I was raised in the tradition of Brzezinski family walks, and I admit they were sometimes h.e.l.lish. My parents' idea of a good time was walking or hiking no matter what the weather, in rain, sleet, or snow. In fact, we once lost our dog in a snowdrift. I can remember walking and walking even when my feet were freezing. I can even remember getting a shot of vodka at age ten to help me warm up, after climbing straight up a mountain in bitter cold weather.

My parents considered that a great time. I wasn't so sure, but what I really remember is that we learned a lot about each other as we walked; there were some great revelations and conversations on those adventures. I thank them so much for making family activity and exercise an important value in my life.

Jim and I have done much the same thing with our girls since they were little. As a family, we take long walks, play tennis, and go kayaking when we can. The girls invented "Cajun Come," a game we play with our dog, Cajun, which gets the whole family running relays, laughing, and having fun together. Watch out, though; Jim and I love to run, but these days our teenager Emilie leaves us in the dust.

Saying the Right Thing to Your Child Here are some tips from Margo Maine about controlling the conversation at home.

ONWARD.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED TODAY I am sitting in my home office, looking at a photo of my two daughters. Carlie, fourteen, is a freshman in high school. Emilie, seventeen, is a junior. Both of them have vibrant, wonderful lives, and they are so busy right now that they probably won't even read this book. But I hope they will read it eventually, and that it will help them understand me better, and know how deeply I love them. I wrote this at least as much for the girls as I did for Diane or me.

I've tried to be very honest here about how much of my time and energy has been wasted obsessing about food. I could have used those years a whole lot better by focusing instead on making a difference in the world. I would do just about anything to keep Carlie and Emilie away from the pitfalls of food obsession.

If you are a parent, you know that your kids see and understand much more than you give them credit for. I thought my struggle with food meant wrestling with my own private demons, but I found out it was a lot more visible than I realized. Carlie and I were in the doctor's office recently for her regular checkup, and we both weighed ourselves. "I weigh more than you!" she tossed at me, without seeming the least bit upset.

She got off the scale and popped back onto the examining table and added, "You have an eating disorder, so that's why you weigh less than me." She said it very matter-of-factly, with that cutting honesty that is something of a Brzezinski family trademark. I was about to retaliate with, "Do not be disrespectful to your mother," but I didn't. After writing this book, I couldn't argue with her. Not only was it still true, but I actually loved that she had the nerve and the insight to say it to me.

It dawned on me then that my daughter is healthier than I am. She is completely fine with her weight. Carlie looks good, she exercises, and she has a healthy appet.i.te that includes plenty of good food. She enjoys eating, but she's not obsessed with it. Right now, her much greater pa.s.sions are singing and horseback riding.

Emilie worries more about her diet, but that's because she's a runner and she wants to win all her races. She is concerned about eating foods that will provide the optimal nutrition for an athlete, not because she's worried about holding her stomach in.

I think that's fantastic. Margo Maine helped me think long and hard about the risk of laying my issues on the girls, and I have backed far away from pressuring them. They seem to be doing just fine, and that might be in spite of me, not because of me. They are going to be beautiful women.

I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I'm eating more, and I don't feel hungry all the time.

Today I made myself a sandwich with three eggs, Swiss cheese, and arugula on two big pieces of wheat toast, grilled in olive oil. I didn't measure the olive oil and I didn't worry about the fat in the cheese. And I ate all three eggs, including the yolks.

Nora Ephron, it was just what you told me to do. I wish you were still here so I could thank you. I know you'd be happy that I am finally becoming less anxious about what I am going to eat next. Nora, you told me to learn to enjoy food as one of life's great pleasures, and I am trying to do that.

I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I'm eating more, and I don't feel hungry all the time.-Mika Nutritionists Sue Gebo and Lisa Powell helped me a lot, too. Their comments about my very rigid diet, and their suggestions about how I can make different choices, helped widen my horizons. I am finding ways to make better choices, and I'm eating a greater variety of food, knowing that I can't starve myself and I shouldn't binge, either. I'm giving up the pain of trying to maintain an unnaturally thin body weight. I am wearing a bigger dress size now, and on my good days, I like it. On the good days, I feel a calm I haven't known before.

Anyone with an eating disorder knows how hard it can be to sustain good behavior. Trust me, I'm still obsessed with food, and I think I am still addicted in some unhealthy ways. But I can't let down my friends who were generous enough to share their wisdom with Diane and me, and I'm trying to follow their advice. Like Susie Essman, I am finding my power in my work, not my body image. Kate White and Christie Hefner helped me adjust my picture of what beautiful and healthy should look like. Gayle King reminded me that it's okay to live it up once in a while.

Like Susie Essman, I am finding my power in my work, not my body image. Kate White and Christie Hefner helped me adjust my picture of what beautiful and healthy should look like. Gayle King reminded me that it's okay to live it up once in a while.-Mika I'm not sure my parents will be comfortable with some of what I've revealed about my ongoing struggle, but I hope they understand that the issues I've talked about here were of my own making. Mom and Dad are amazing parents, and did so much to expose me to the many ideas, options, and goals that a rich life can hold, including fantastic food. I always feel the urge to apologize to them for being such a difficult child, but maybe it's enough for them to know that Carlie and Emilie are getting back at me in spades. I suppose this is just the cycle of life shared between a parent and a child.

Diane and I are the products of an unhealthy generation. We began struggling with food early in our lives as the obesity crisis was emerging in America. The food industry accelerated its marketing, and no one of import stopped to consider the consequences. I didn't recognize how I had been trapped until Diane and I began this book. Talk about denial: I thought all this research and writing would help Diane get her life back on track. But she made me realize that I had a lot more work to do on myself in order to be able to help anyone else.

I finally took an unflinching look at myself and started a different kind of journey. I expect that I'll still fall back into unhealthy eating choices in the future, but I am more self-aware and less self-righteous when the topic turns to eating. I won't let my world be framed by food any longer. My obsession ends today.

Diane and I have come a lot further than we ever thought possible. Telling your friend she's overweight, and then paying for the tools she needs to lose weight, is at the very least a bit unconventional, and it can certainly threaten a relationship. But as Diane says, "That's vintage Mika."

As I've revealed in Knowing Your Value and All Things at Once, I rarely take the path most people follow, and things usually work out best for me that way, and sometimes for the people I care most about, too. Diane has lost 75 pounds, and she's seen a ripple effect in her life. Her husband, Tom, has trimmed down, too, and so have some of their friends. Even their dog has lost weight.

I am in awe of how Diane stepped way out of her comfort zone to write this book. I remember telling her that we would have to bare all to our readers, and I saw her eyes almost bug out of her head. Diane is used to putting a good face on everything she presents to the public, especially on Positively Connecticut, the show she has produced and hosted for more than twenty years. Neither one of us was sure her weight-loss journey was going to be such a positive experience.

But somehow, Diane made it into one. Owning up to the enormity of her issues with eating, and how they had damaged her life and her career, had to have been a gut-wrenching experience. I saw tears well up in her eyes during some of our interviews about weight and prejudice, and I heard comments that made me cringe, too. There were times when I thought she must hate me for putting her through all this.

But the risk was worth it, and we've bonded more intensely than ever. I urge everyone reading this to take the same kind of risk. Talk to your friends and the people you love-have the conversation about being obese. Confront them about their health and their weight, and then offer your support. Believe me, it wasn't easy for Diane and me, but it has been well worth it.

Talk to your friends and the people you love-have the conversation about being obese. Confront them about their health and their weight, and then offer your support.-Mika I'm not going to shut up now. This book may be coming to a close, but our conversation together is just beginning. I'll continue to speak out about the obesity crisis in our country, but when you hear me talking about healthy eating on TV, know that I'm not the skinny know-it-all who knows nothing about food obsessions. Know that I am struggling, too.

As for Carlie and Emilie, they're beautiful just as they are. That's all they need to know. It took me way too long to understand that about myself, but thanks to my family and friends, better and more beautiful days lie ahead. With all my heart I wish the same for you.

NOTES.

INTRODUCTION.

1. Allison A. Hedley et al., "Prevalence of Overweight and Obesity Among US Children, Adolescents, and Adults, 19992002," Journal of the American Medical a.s.sociation, June 2004. See also Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/adult/defining.html.

2. "Too Fat to Fight" and "Still Too Fat to Fight," reports issued by Mission Readiness in 2010 and 2012, respectively.

CHAPTER TWO: THE VALUE OF A HEALTHY THIN.

1. Alexandra W. Griffin, "Women and Weight-Based Employment Discrimination," Cardozo Journal of Law & Gender, Summer 2007.

2. John Cawley, "The Impact of Obesity on Wages," Journal of Human Resources, Spring 2004.

3. Shaun Dreisbach, "Weight Stereotyping: The Secret Way People Are Judging You Based on Your Body," Glamour, June 2012.

4. Lots to Lose: How America's Health and Obesity Crisis Threatens Our Economic Future, Bipartisan Policy Center's Nutrition and Physical Activity Initiative, June 2012.

5. James P. Moriarty, et. al., "The Effects of Incremental Costs of Smoking and Obesity on Health Care Costs among Adults: A Seven Year Longitudinal Study," Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, March 2012.

6. Eric Finkelstein et al., "The Costs of Obesity in the Workplace," Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine, 2010.

7. Understanding Childhood Obesity, 2011 Statistical Sourcebook, American Heart a.s.sociation.

8. Rebecca M. Puhl et al., "Weight Based Victimization: Bullying Experiences of Weight Loss Treatment-Seeking Youth," Pediatrics, January 2013.

9. Keynote address by Sam Ka.s.s, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Weight of the Nation Conference, May 7, 2012.

CHAPTER FOUR: FAT: WHOSE FAULT?.

1. "Still Too Fat to Fight," Mission: Readiness, 2012.

2. Frank Bruni, ". . . And Love Handles for All," New York Times, April 16, 2012.

3. "Rudd Center Releases Unprecedented Report on Fast Food Nutrition and Marketing to Youth," Rudd Center Health Digest, November 2010.

4. Ibid.

5. David M Cutler, Edward L. Glaeser, and Jesse M, Shapiro, "Why Have Americans Become More Obese?" Harvard Inst.i.tute of Economic Research Working Paper No. 1994, January 2003.

6. A. N. Gearhardt et al., "An Examination of the Food Addiction Construct in Obese Patients with Binge Eating Disorder," International Journal of Eating Disorders 45, 2012: 65763; A. N. Gearhardt et al., "The Addiction Potential of Hyperpalatable Foods, Current Drug Abuse Reviews 4, 2011: 14045.

CHAPTER EIGHT: IT'S WHAT YOU EAT, AND HOW YOU EAT IT.

1. "Low Carb or Low Fat Diet? The Harvard Health Letter Investigates the Debate," Harvard Health Publications, July 2004.

2. "Study Compares Year-long Effectiveness of Four Weight-loss Plans," Research Spotlight, National Inst.i.tutes of Health, March 2007.

CHAPTER NINE: IT'S HOW YOU MOVE.

1. More "Fit Facts" about eating and workout plans can be found at http://www.acefitness.org/fitness-fact/13/Weight-Management/.

2. Healthy People 2020, US Dept of Health and Human Services, Office of Disease Prevention; Health Promotion, November 2010, download at www.healthypeople.gov.

3. "Physical Activity Guidelines for Americans," US Dept of Health and Human Services, download at www.health.gov.

4. Yonas Geda et al., "Aerobic Exercise May Reduce the Risk of Dementia," Mayo Clinic Proceedings, September 2011.

5. M. Rosenkilde et al., "Body Fat Loss and Compensatory Mechanisms in Response to Different Doses of Aerobic Exercise-A Randomized Controlled Trial in Overweight Sedentary Males," American Journal of Physiology, September 2012.

6. J. Lennert Veerman et al., "Television Viewing Time and Reduced Life Expectancy: A Life Table a.n.a.lysis," British Journal of Sports Medicine, August 2011.