Now You See It... Part 17

Max started to go on and/ for several seconds, his voice grew thick. I saw him struggle to prevent its happening again before he'd finished what he had to say.

"My Joy was her beside me," he continued, pacing once again. "Her love unquestioning. I idolized her/ Harry. I'm

Now You Seed... 69

sure you think that such an emotion was never possible for me. He knew though," he added, pointing at me. "He saw it all"

I did, my son, I thought, agonized, opening my eyes again.

"She was, to me, everything that was good. Everything that was pure and beautiful and innocent."

His last word was emphasized involuntarily, accompa- nied by a wince of pain. Harry went stiff with apprehen- sion.

For several moments. Max stood motionless, eyes hood- ed, breathing slowly.

"Max, let me call an ambulance, for G.o.d's sake!" Harry cried.

Max waved him off and started pacing once again, his movements uneven now.

"She was carrying our child when die accident occur- red/" he said, his voice tormented. I wished, in vain of course, that I could, by closing my eyes, shut away the en- tire scene.

"She was tired," Max said. " insisted mat she stay at home- She wouldn't hear of it. She had to be on stage with me. Helping me. Supporting me.

for G.o.d's sake, stop the self-torture! I thought.

Max stopped and leaned against the frame of the picture window, breath erratic as he looked out toward the gazebo.

"Getting dark," he said. "A storm is coming."

He turned from the window, his expression rigid as though to hold away the pain.

"It was too much for her," he said, beginning to pace again, weaving now. (I stared at him in anguish.) "She mis- judged. She didn't move quite fast enough. A piece of heavy equipment fell."

He stopped, throwing a hand across his eyes as though to blot away the memory of that hideous night.

70 Richard Mattcun

"My wife," he murmured brokenly- "Our child." He threw back his head. "All in one dread moment!"

He clenched his teem, pushing his left hand to his stom- ach.

"Max," said Harry.

Max paid no attention to him. Hand pressed hard against his stomach, features set in a grimace of pain, he began to pace again. I can't bear this, I thought.

"She's been dead for twelve years now/' he said. "Yet still I love her-only her. My darling and my angel- There's never been another like her. There never could be; never."

With a breathless cry of pain, he fell toward one of the chairs, hands shooting down to brake himself on the chair back.

He struggled to a standing position as Harry ran over, a look of hapless dread on his face. Max reached out a trem- bling hand to pat him weakly on the arm.

"This is the best way out. . . old friend," he mumbled, sounding very weak. It's not the best way out/or me, my mind screamed, half in terror, half in rage.

"It's not only Adelaide who's gone," Max continued. He drew in a straining bream- "Everything is gone-you know mat as well as I."

I'm not gone! I thought I may be useless, but I'm still arwnd!

Max groaned and clenched his teeth again, hand pressed to his stomach. "G.o.d," he murmured.

He forced a smile; there was no amus.e.m.e.nt in it. "Yes, everything is gone," he said. "My hands, my eyes, my ears, my marriage, my career." He paused. "And now my life/"

he finished.

I'm not gone. Sonny, my thought, admittedly, one of wretchedness.

With a brief, hollow cry. Max dropped to his knees beside the chair, twisting in a paroxysm of pain, eyes staring, face a mask of agony.

Now You See It... 71

Harry managed to help him into the chair, and Max slumped back, his breathing labored. "G.o.d," he said again.

He began to gag, unable to breath. His mouth opened, and his tongue lolled out for several moments.

Then, with a wheezing moan, his body convulsed, jerked a few times, and went limp, his eyes falling shut.

I felt my heartbeat thudding heavily, an old drum in the cavity of my chest, beaten with a slow and weary stroke. I wondered why it hadn't split in two.

Harry gaped in silence at my son. Finally, he spoke.

"Jesus/" he said. "Oh, Jesus. Jesus H. Christ."

Bending over/ he pressed his right ear to Max's chest/ lis- tening intently, trying to hold his shaking breath long enough to hear the beat of Max's heart-or, more likely, the absence of it.

Which is what he heard; nothing.

He Jerked erect and looked at Max in shock.

Then-incredibly-injury.

Spewing out words which, to my dying day, will typify tile man for me.

"You lousy son of a b.i.t.c.h," he said. "Now I'll never get to Boston by tonight."

The shriek of horror he emitted was that of a woman as Max leaped up, eyes wide and glaring, and grabbed him by the arms.

Now You See It- 73

Harry tore loose from Max's grip and, losing balance, flopped down on me carpeting.

Sprawling there, breath barely functioning, he gaped up at my son.

"Surprise!" said Max- Silence then as Max walked over to my wheelchair and laid his right hand on my shoulder,

"1 apologize for frightening you. Padre," he said. "But I wanted you, of all people, to see the effect. It VMS a grand one, wasn't it?"

Leaning over, he kissed me on the cheek, then turned away and walked back to Harry. Sonny, Sonny, I was think- ing, what is happening in your mind?