Norwegian Wood Part 21

"Isn't there anything about life that frightens you?" I asked.

"Hey, I'm not a total idiot," said Nagasawa. "Of course course life frightens me sometimes. I don't happen to take that as the premise for everything else, though. I'm going to give it a hundred percent and go as far as I can. I'll take what I want and leave what I don't want. That's how I intend to live my life, and if things go bad, I'll stop and reconsider at that point. If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit." life frightens me sometimes. I don't happen to take that as the premise for everything else, though. I'm going to give it a hundred percent and go as far as I can. I'll take what I want and leave what I don't want. That's how I intend to live my life, and if things go bad, I'll stop and reconsider at that point. If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit."

"Sounds like a pretty self-centered way to live," I said.

"Maybe so, but I'm not just looking up at the sky and waiting for the fruit to drop. In my own way, I'm working hard. I'm working ten times harder than you are."

"That's probably true," I said.

"I look around me sometimes and I get sick to my stomach. Why the h.e.l.l don't these b.a.s.t.a.r.ds do do something? I wonder. They don't do a d.a.m.n thing, and then they b.i.t.c.h." something? I wonder. They don't do a d.a.m.n thing, and then they b.i.t.c.h."

Amazed at the harshness of his tone, I looked at Nagasawa. "The way I see it, people are are working hard. They're working their fingers to the bone. Or am I looking at things wrong?" working hard. They're working their fingers to the bone. Or am I looking at things wrong?"

"That's not hard work. It's just manual labor," Nagasawa said with finality. "The 'hard work' I'm talking about is more self-directed and purposeful."

"You mean, like studying Spanish when the job season ends and everybody else is taking it easy?"

"That's it. I'm going to have Spanish mastered by next spring. I've got English and German and French down pat, and I'm most of the way there with Italian. You think things like that happen without hard work?"

Nagasawa puffed on his cigarette while I thought about Midori's father. There was one man who had probably never even thought about starting Spanish lessons on TV. He had probably never thought about the difference between hard work and manual labor, either. He was probably too busy to think about such things-busy with work, and busy bringing home a daughter who had run away to f.u.kushima.

"So, about that dinner of ours," said Nagasawa. "Would this Sat.u.r.day be O.K. for you?"

"Fine," I said.

NAGASAWA PICKED A FANCY French restaurant in a quiet backstreet of Azabu. He gave his name at the door and the two of us were shown to a secluded private room. Some fifteen prints hung on the walls of the small chamber. While we waited for Hatsumi to arrive, Nagasawa and I sipped a delicious wine and chatted about the novels of Joseph Conrad. He wore an expensive-looking gray suit. I had on an ordinary blue blazer. French restaurant in a quiet backstreet of Azabu. He gave his name at the door and the two of us were shown to a secluded private room. Some fifteen prints hung on the walls of the small chamber. While we waited for Hatsumi to arrive, Nagasawa and I sipped a delicious wine and chatted about the novels of Joseph Conrad. He wore an expensive-looking gray suit. I had on an ordinary blue blazer.

Hatsumi arrived fifteen minutes later. She was carefully made up and wore gold earrings, a beautiful deep blue dress, and tasteful red pumps.

When I complimented her on the color of the dress, she told me it was called midnight blue.

"What an elegant restaurant!" said Hatsumi.

"My old man always eats here when he comes to Tokyo," said Nagasawa. "I came here with him once. I'm not crazy about these snooty places."

"It doesn't hurt to eat in a place like this once in a while," said Hatsumi. Turning to me, she asked. "Don't you agree?"

"I guess so. As long as I'm not paying."

"My old man usually brings his woman here," said Nagasawa. "He's got one in Tokyo, you know."

"Really?" asked Hatsumi.

I took a sip of wine, as if I had never heard anything.

Eventually a waiter came and took our orders. After choosing hors d'oeuvres and soup, Nagasawa ordered duck, and Hatsumi and I ordered sea ba.s.s. The food arrived at a leisurely pace, which allowed us to enjoy the wine and conversation. Nagasawa spoke first of the Foreign Ministry exam. Most of the examinees were sc.u.m who might as well be thrown into a bottomless pit, he said, though he supposed there were a few decent ones in the bunch. I asked if he thought the proportion of good ones to sc.u.m was higher or lower than in society in general.

"It's the same," he said. "Of course." It was the same everywhere, he added: an immutable law.

Nagasawa ordered a second bottle of wine when we had finished the first, and for himself he ordered a double scotch.

Hatsumi then began talking about a girl she wanted to fix me up with. This was a perpetual topic for the two of us. She was always telling me about some "cute freshman in my club," and I was always running away.

"She's really really nice, though, and nice, though, and really really cute. I'll bring her along next time. You ought to talk to her. I'm sure you'll like her." cute. I'll bring her along next time. You ought to talk to her. I'm sure you'll like her."

"It's a waste of time, Hatsumi," I said. "I'm too poor to go out with girls from your school. I can't talk to them."

"Don't be silly," she said. "This girl is simple and natural and unaffected."

"Come on, Watanabe," said Nagasawa. "Just meet her. You don't have to screw her."

"I should say not!" not!" said Hatsumi. "This one's a virgin." said Hatsumi. "This one's a virgin."

"Like you used to be," said Nagasawa.

"Exactly," said Hatsumi with a bright smile. "Like I used to be. But really," she said to me, "don't give me that stuff about being 'too poor.' It's got nothing to do with anything. Sure, there are a few super stuck-up girls in every cla.s.s, but the rest of us are just ordinary people. We all eat lunch in the school cafeteria for two hundred fifty yen-"

"Now wait just a minute, Hatsumi," I said, interrupting her. "In my my school the cafeteria has three lunches: A, B, and C. The A Lunch is a hundred and twenty yen, the B Lunch is a hundred yen, and the C Lunch is eighty yen. Everybody gives me dirty looks when I eat the A Lunch, and guys who can't afford the C Lunch eat school the cafeteria has three lunches: A, B, and C. The A Lunch is a hundred and twenty yen, the B Lunch is a hundred yen, and the C Lunch is eighty yen. Everybody gives me dirty looks when I eat the A Lunch, and guys who can't afford the C Lunch eat ramen ramen noodles for sixty yen. That's the kind of school I go to. You still think I can talk to girls from your school?" noodles for sixty yen. That's the kind of school I go to. You still think I can talk to girls from your school?"

Hatsumi could hardly stop laughing. "That's so cheap!" cheap!" she said. "Maybe she said. "Maybe I I should go there for lunch! But really, Toru, you're such a nice guy, I'm sure you'd get along with this girl. She might even like the hundred-and-twenty-yen lunch." should go there for lunch! But really, Toru, you're such a nice guy, I'm sure you'd get along with this girl. She might even like the hundred-and-twenty-yen lunch."

"No way," I said with a laugh. "n.o.body "n.o.body eats that stuff because they like it; they eat it because they can't afford anything else." eats that stuff because they like it; they eat it because they can't afford anything else."

"Anyhow, don't judge a book by its cover. It's true we go to this hoity-toity girls' school, but lots of us there are serious people who think serious thoughts about life. Not everybody everybody is looking for a boyfriend with a sports car." is looking for a boyfriend with a sports car."

"I know that much," I said.

"Watanabe's got a girl. He's in love," said Nagasawa. "But he won't say a word about her. He's as tight-lipped as they come. A riddle wrapped in an enigma."

"Really?" Hatsumi asked me.

"Really," I said. "But there's no riddle involved here. It's just that the situation is a complicated one, and hard to talk about."

"An illicit love? Ooh! You can talk to me!" me!"

I took a sip of wine to avoid answering.

"See what I mean?" said Nagasawa, at work on his third whiskey. "Tight-lipped. When this guy decides he's not going to talk about something, n.o.body can drag it out of him."

"What a shame," said Hatsumi as she cut a small slice of terrine and brought it to her mouth. "If you had gotten along with her, we could have gone on double dates."

"Yeah, we could've gotten drunk and done a little swapping," said Nagasawa.

"Enough of that kind of talk," said Hatsumi.

"Whaddya mean 'that kind of talk'? Watanabe's got his eye on you," said Nagasawa.

"That has nothing to do with what I'm talking about," Hatsumi murmured. "He's not that kind of person. He's sincere and caring. I can tell. That's why I've been trying to fix him up."

"Oh, sure, he's sincere. Like the time we swapped women once, way back when. Remember, Watanabe?" Nagasawa said this with a blase look on his face, then slugged back the rest of his whiskey and ordered another one.

Hatsumi set her knife and fork down and dabbed at her mouth with her napkin. Then, looking at me, she asked, "Toru, did you really do that?"

I didn't know how to answer her, and so I said nothing.

"Tell her," said Nagasawa. "What the h.e.l.l." This was turning ugly. Nagasawa could get nasty when he was drunk, but tonight his nastiness was aimed at Hatsumi, not at me. Knowing that made it all the more difficult for me to go on sitting there.

"I'd like to hear about that," said Hatsumi. "It sounds very very interesting!" interesting!"

"We were drunk," I said.

"That's all right, Toru. I'm not blaming you. I just want you to tell me what happened."

"The two of us were drinking in a bar in Shibuya, and we got friendly with this pair of girls. They went to some junior college, and they were pretty plastered, too. So, anyhow, we, uh, went to a hotel and slept with them. Our rooms were right next door to each other. In the middle of the night, Nagasawa knocked on my door and said we should change girls, so I went to his room and he came to mine."

"Didn't the girls mind?"

"No, they were drunk too."

"Anyway, I had a good reason for doing it," said Nagasawa.

"A good reason?"

"Well, the girls were too different. One was really good-looking, but the other one was a dog. It seemed unfair to me. I got the pretty one, but Watanabe got stuck with the other one. That's why we swapped. Right, Watanabe?"

"Yeah, I guess so," I said. But in fact, I had liked the not-pretty one. She was fun to talk to, and she was a nice person. After we had s.e.x, we were enjoying talking to each other in bed when Nagasawa showed up and suggested we change partners. I asked the girl if she minded, and she said it was O.K. with her if that's what we wanted. She probably figured I wanted to do it with the pretty one.

"Was it fun?" Hatsumi asked me.

"Switching, you mean?"

"The whole thing."

"Not especially. It's just something you do. Sleeping with girls that way is not all that much fun."

"So why do you do it?"

"Because of me," said Nagasawa.

"I'm asking Toru," Hatsumi shot back to Nagasawa. "Why do you do something like that?"

"Because sometimes I have this tremendous desire to sleep with a girl."

"If you're in love with someone, can't you manage one way or another with her?" Hatsumi asked after a few moments' thought.

"It's complicated."

Hatsumi sighed.

At that point the door opened and the waiters brought the food in. Nagasawa was presented with his roast duck, and Hatsumi and I received our sea ba.s.s. The waiters heaped fresh-cooked vegetables on our plates and dribbled sauce on them before withdrawing and leaving the three of us alone again. Nagasawa cut a slice of duck and ate it with gusto, followed by more whiskey. I took a forkful of spinach. Hatsumi didn't touch her food.

"You know, Toru," she said, "I have no idea what makes your situation so 'complicated,' but I do think that the kind of thing you just told me about is not right for you. You're not that kind of person. What do you think?" She set her hands on the table and looked me in the eye.

"Well," I said, "I've felt that way myself sometimes."

"So why don't you stop?"

"Because sometimes I have a need for human warmth," I answered honestly. "Sometimes, if I can't feel something like the warmth of a woman's skin, I get so lonely I can't stand it."

"Here, let me summarize what I think it's all about," interjected Nagasawa.

"Watanabe's got this girl he likes, but for certain complicated reasons, they can't do it. So he tells himself 's.e.x is just s.e.x,' and he takes care of his need with somebody else. What's wrong with that? It makes perfect sense. He can't just stay locked in his room jerking off all the time, can he?" "Watanabe's got this girl he likes, but for certain complicated reasons, they can't do it. So he tells himself 's.e.x is just s.e.x,' and he takes care of his need with somebody else. What's wrong with that? It makes perfect sense. He can't just stay locked in his room jerking off all the time, can he?"

"But if you really love her, Toru, shouldn't it be possible for you to control yourself?"

"Maybe so," I said, bringing a piece of sea ba.s.s in cream sauce to my mouth.

"You just don't understand a man's s.e.xual need," said Nagasawa to Hatsumi. "Look at me, for example. I've been with you for three years, and I've slept with plenty of women in that time. But I don't remember a thing about them. I don't know their names, I don't remember their faces. I slept with each of them exactly once. Meet 'em, do it, so long. That's it. What's wrong with that?"

"What I can't stand is that arrogance of yours," said Hatsumi in a soft voice. "Whether you sleep with other women or not is beside the point. I've never really gotten angry at you for fooling around, have I?"

"You can't even call what I do fooling around. It's just a game. n.o.body gets hurt," said Nagasawa.

"I get hurt," said Hatsumi. "Why am I not enough for you?" get hurt," said Hatsumi. "Why am I not enough for you?"

Nagasawa kept silent for a moment and swirled the whiskey in his gla.s.s. "It's not that you're not enough for me. That's another phase, another question. It's just a hunger I have inside me. If I've hurt you, I'm sorry. But it's not a question of whether or not you're enough for me. I can only live with that hunger. That's the kind of man I am. That's what makes me me me. There's nothing I can do about it, don't you see?"

At last Hatsumi picked up her silverware and started eating her fish. "At least you shouldn't drag Toru into your 'games.'"

"We're a lot alike, though, Watanabe and me," said Nagasawa. "Neither of us is interested, essentially, in anything but ourselves. O.K., so I'm arrogant and he's not, but neither of us is able to feel any interest in anything other than what we ourselves think or feel or do. That's why we can think about things in a way that's totally divorced from anybody else. That's what I like about him. The only difference is that he hasn't realized this about himself, and so he hesitates and feels hurt."

"What human being doesn't doesn't hesitate and feel hurt?" Hatsumi demanded. "Are you trying to say that hesitate and feel hurt?" Hatsumi demanded. "Are you trying to say that you you have never felt those things?" have never felt those things?"

"Of course I have, but I've disciplined myself to where I can minimize them. Even a rat will choose the least painful route if you shock him enough."

"But rats don't fall in love."

"'Rats don't fall in love.'" Nagasawa looked at me. "That's great. We should have background music for this-a full orchestra with two harps and-"

"Don't make fun of me. I'm serious."

"We're eating," said Nagasawa. "And Watanabe's here. It might be more civil for us to confine 'serious' talk to another occasion."

"I can leave," I said.

"No," said Hatsumi. "Please stay. It's better with you here."

"At least have dessert," said Nagasawa.