No Greater Love Part 18

She kissed Lady Fitzgerald good-bye at noon, and she felt lighter and happier when she did than she had in a long time, and she talked about her to Patrick over lunch, and said what a nice woman she was. And he agreed, as did Alexis.

He took them to lunch at the Ritz, and afterward they booked their pa.s.sage on the Olympic and then went to pick up Alexis's pa.s.sport. They were fortunate, they were told. The Olympic was leaving the following morning, and Edwina suddenly felt a wave of panic wash over her at the thought of leaving Patrick. She glanced quickly at him and he nodded his head, and she booked two adjoining first-cla.s.s staterooms for herself and Alexis.

But Alexis had grown up a great deal in the past few weeks, and she made a point of leaving them alone that night and claiming to be utterly exhausted.

"You don't suppose she's sneaking off again, do you?" Patrick asked her worriedly as he left to take Edwina to the Emba.s.sy Club for dinner.

But Edwina laughed at him, and a.s.sured him that this time she felt sure Alexis had learned her lesson.

And once again, the evening went too quickly and all too soon they were back at Claridge's again, and there was no way to share the tenderness that they had had in Ireland. She wanted to make love to him again, but they both knew that it was just as well that they didn't.

"How am I going to say good-bye to you, Patrick? I've only just found you." It had taken her eleven years to say good-bye to Charles, and now she had to let his cousin go in a single moment. "Will you come to Southampton with us tomorrow?" But he shook his head sadly.

"That would be too hard for both of us, wouldn't it? And it might be unsettling for Alexis."

"I think she knows anyway."

"Then you are both going home with dark secrets." He kissed her gently then, and they both knew that nothing they had shared had been anything but light and beautiful, and in some hidden, secret way, Edwina knew that be had freed her.

"Will I see you again?" she asked as he left her outside Claridge's.

"Perhaps. If you come back. Or I go there. I've never been to California." And she doubted that he ever would. It was exactly what he had said from the first, they both had to let go, to let each other fly free forever. She felt the gift from him on her arm, where it always would be, and his touch on her heart, but the rest would be gone, a distant, happy memory he had given her for a few weeks, to free her from the bonds that had chained her for so long. "I love you," he whispered just before he left her. "I love you desperately ... and I always will ... and I will smile each time I think of you ... I will smile, as you should, each time I think of Ireland." He kissed her then one last time, as she cried, and he left in his car without looking back. She stood for a long, long time, crying and then slowly, she walked back into Claridge's, knowing how much she had loved him.

Chapter 39.

THEY LEFT AT EIGHT O'CLOCK THE NEXT DAY, FOR Southampton, as they had done years before, but this time, just the two of them, two sisters, two friends, two survivors. They were quiet as they drove away, and Alexis suspected there was a lot on Edwina's mind. And for a long time, Edwina only sat staring out the window.

They boarded the Olympic on time, and still feeling nervous about being on a ship at all, the two women went to their staterooms. And then Edwina surprised Alexis by saying that she was going on deck to watch them sail. She went alone, as her younger sister had no desire to see it.

And she stood on deck, as the huge ship slipped its moorings, and just as she left the dock and moved away, Edwina saw him there. It was as though she had known that he would be there. Patrick stood on the dock, waving solemnly, watching her, and she blew him a kiss as she cried, and touched her heart. And he touched his. And she saw him wave as long as she could, until the ship was far, far away, but Edwina knew she would always remember Patrick.

It was a long time before she went back downstairs, and she found Alexis asleep on her bed. For both of them, the trip had been exhausting.

They had their lifeboat drill that day, and all Edwina could think of now was Patrick, not Charles ... their walks around the deck, their endless hours of talking, his going to the lifeboat drill with her ... the night they danced, she in the borrowed dress ... it made her smile thinking of it all, and as she looked overhead she saw a bird flying past and was reminded of what he had told her. No matter what happened between them, he was going to set her free to find her way home. They had their own lives, their own worlds, and there was no way that they could ever be together. But at thirty-two she had loved and been loved by two men and she felt strangely grown up as they steamed home, and even Alexis saw it.

"You fell in love with him, didn't you?" Alexis asked on the second day, and for a long time Edwina stared out to sea and didn't answer.

"He was a cousin of Charles's." But that still didn't answer the question, and Alexis knew it. But she knew now also, and had learned at great price, that some questions are better left unanswered.

"Do you think George will know, about Malcolm, I mean?" She looked genuinely scared, and Edwina thought about it carefully.

"Maybe not, if you're very discreet, and the children don't tell him."

"And if they do, or someone else does?"

"What do you really think he can do?" Edwina asked, addressing her as an adult for the first time. "He can't do anything. Whatever harm that was done, was done to you, in your heart, your soul, whatever part of you that truly matters. If you can make your peace with that, then you've won. You've learned some hard lessons, and put them behind you. All that really matters is what you got out of it. The rest is just noise." Alexis smiled in relief, and Edwina patted her hand as Alexis leaned over and kissed her.

"Thank you for getting me out of it." The truth was, it had done them both good. Edwina had learned some valuable lessons too, and she was grateful.

"Anytime." She smiled and then lay back on her deck chair, eyes closed, and then opened them rapidly again. "Well, not exactly 'anytime.' Let's not do that again, thank you."

"Yeah, let's not." Alexis laughed.

They kept to their cabins most of the time, read, played cards, slept, talked, and got to know each other better as adults. Alexis claimed that she was serious about a movie career, and Edwina told her she thought she should wait until she was at least eighteen and could handle it a little better. And Alexis agreed. Her experience with Malcolm Stone had frightened her about the kind of men she'd meet, and she said she always wanted Edwina there with her from now on, for protection.

"You'll be able to handle it next time." But Alexis was no longer so sure, and she talked about how lucky Fannie was, wanting nothing more than a home and children one day, and nothing more exciting in her life than making dinner for her husband. "Big challenges aren't for everyone," Edwina said. "Just a rare few. And the people outside those magic circles never really understand it."

They made a few friends on the way home, and were both relieved when they docked in New York. Some bad experiences die hard, and they both knew that that one would always be difficult for them. And as they stepped off the ship, Edwina still missed Patrick. He had sent her flowers on the ship with only "I love you, P." on the card, and those he sent to the hotel in New York said, Je t'aime.... Adieu, and she stood looking at them for a moment, touched the bracelet on her arm, and put the card in her wallet.

They stayed in New York for only one night, called Fannie and Teddy, only to learn that George had called twice and Fannie had rather ingeniously told him both times that Alexis was out, and Edwina had terrible laryngitis. Sam Horowitz had called too, and she had told him the same thing, and other than that, "the coast was clear," and the children were thrilled that all was well with Alexis. She spoke to them herself, and they all cried, or at least the girls did. And four days later, they were home, amid jubilant hugs and kisses and tears and Alexis swore she would never leave them again, not even to go to Hollywood, and Edwina laughed as she heard her.

"I'll make you eat those words one day," she teased, just as the phone rang. It was George. They had gotten back to Hollywood that day, after a glorious honeymoon, and when she talked to Helen afterward, she whispered to Edwina on the phone that she thought she might be pregnant.

"You are? How wonderful!" And she was surprised at herself when she felt a pang of envy. Helen was ten years younger, had just returned from her honeymoon, and had a husband who adored her, unlike Edwina, who was alone again, and back to taking care of the children.

And he got back on the phone when Helen was through to ask solicitously, "How's your throat, by the way?"

"Fine. Why?" And then she remembered Fannie's story. "Oh ... perfect now ... but what a dreadful cold that was. I was afraid it was going to turn into a bad case of flu, or pneumonia or something, but it never did."

"I'm glad. I had the oddest dream about you one night." He didn't tell her that he'd imagined her on a ship, he knew it would have upset her too much, but it had unnerved him so much that he'd woken Helen. And Helen was convinced that was the night she'd gotten pregnant. "Anyway, I'm glad you're alright. When are you coming down to see us?"

The very thought of going anywhere again filled Edwina with dread. She had just come back from halfway around the world, but of course he didn't know it. "Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?" she asked, but George had another idea.

"Sam was thinking that we could take turns. He could do it at his place this year, and you could do it next year." He had promised Helen he would put it to Edwina that way, but he had also warned her that if it upset his sister not to host Thanksgiving herself as she always did, they would have to go to San Francisco.

And at her end, Edwina thought about it for what seemed like a long time, and then slowly she nodded. "Okay ... that might be fun for a change. Even though poor Fannie wanted to do her special turkey."

"She can do it at Sam's," George suggested with a smile, patting Helen's still flat tummy. "Helen wants to help with the cooking too, don't you, dear?" he teased, as she groaned. Helen didn't know one end of the kitchen from the other.

"I guess that's why Sam called," Edwina said pensively, she hadn't even had time to return his call yet.

"Probably," George a.s.sumed. "Well, we'll see you in a few weeks then."

She told the children they were going to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving, to start a new tradition with Helen and George and Sam, and everyone seemed pleased, even Alexis.

"I thought you were never going to let me out of this house again." They had grown closer since their big adventure, but the others seemed not to mind. Teddy and Fannie were almost like twins, and they were happy to have Edwina and Alexis home again, and it was odd, Edwina thought to herself as she went to bed that night, everyone seemed suddenly grown up now. And as she drifted off to sleep, she couldn't help thinking of Patrick. It all seemed like a dream now, the ships, the trains, the trip to Ireland, the incident with Malcolm and Alexis, the diamond bracelet, the champagne, the poetry, the visit to Lady Fitzgerald. There was so much to think about that Edwina felt as though she were still sorting it out in her head when they went down to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving.

Helen and George looked well, and by then Helen had confirmed to everyone that she was pregnant. Sam was ecstatic over it, and put in a request for a grandson. And Fannie made her "special" turkey for everyone and asked Helen if she could come to Hollywood for a few months and help her with the baby. The idea took Helen by surprise, but it was due in June, and Fannie was going to be out of school for summer vacation.

"And what am I supposed to do all summer while you change diapers, Fan?" Teddy complained, but George was quick to intervene.

"I thought you might like to work as a grip at the studio next summer." He had been meaning to suggest it anyway, and Teddy was almost hysterical with joy as they ate the pumpkin pie Fannie had baked. She was a remarkable cook and Sam complimented her on everything, which touched Edwina's heart. He was sweet to all of them, as though they were his family now, too, and that meant a lot to her. And she tried to thank him for it later, when Alexis was talking to George about a new film, and Fannie and Helen and Teddy were playing cards, and she and Sam decided to take a walk in the garden.

"Thank you for being so good to them. It means a lot to me," she smiled.

"You've given up your life for them for a long time. But they do you proud." He looked down at her with wise eyes and a gentle smile. "What are you going to do when they grow up, Edwina?"

"Same thing you do now, with Helen." In her eyes they were of the same generation, but in truth, they weren't. She was thirty-two years old, and Sam Horowitz was fifty-seven. "You wait for grandchildren. I wait for nieces and nephews. Same thing really." She smiled gently, and he shook his head.

"No, it isn't." He spoke quietly in the night air, as they walked, exercising off their dinner, but she felt very comfortable with him, as though they had always been old friends and could say anything to each other. She liked Helen's father, she always had, as much as she liked Helen. "I had a whole life a long time ago, with a woman I loved, and who hurt me very badly. You've had much too little in your life, except a bunch of kids you love and give everything you have to give to. But when do you get yours? When is it your turn? What happens when they're gone? That's what I meant ... nieces and nephews aren't enough ... you need a lot more than that. You should be having kids of your own." He sounded serious and she almost laughed at him.

"Why is everyone saying that to me these days?" Patrick ... Lady Fitzgerald ... now Sam ... "Hey, I raised five children as though they were mine. Don't you suppose I've done enough?"

"Maybe. But it's not the same. At least I don't think so."

"I think it is." She sounded serious with him. "I've loved those five children as though they were mine." She hesitated before she went on. "I almost think I loved them more than my mother did." ... She didn't love them enough to stay alive for them, to leave her husband for them ... but as Edwina thought of it now, after talking about it with Patrick, after all these years, she was no longer angry. And then she decided to ask Sam something about what he had said, since they were being so open with each other. "Why did you say that your wife had hurt you so badly? I thought she'd died."

"She did." He looked soberly at his young friend with the wise heart and kind eyes. "She was running off with another man when she was killed in a train wreck. Helen was only nine months old, and she doesn't know that." For a moment, Edwina was stunned into silence.

"That must have been awful for you," she said, impressed at his never having told his daughter. He was a kind and decent man, which was only a small part of why she liked him. She had admired and respected him from the first, and she valued his friendship.

"It was awful. And I was angry for a long time," Sam went on. "I kept it all inside until it almost ate me up. But one day, I just decided it was too much trouble to carry around anymore, so I gave it up. She left me Helen, and maybe that was enough. In fact, now I know it was." But Edwina thought that it was sad to think he had never remarried. That had been twenty-one years before, and it was a long time to be lonely. She knew he went out with some of the most important actresses in Hollywood from time to time, but she had never heard of him being seriously involved with anyone, and neither had George. Sam Horowitz lived for his business, and his daughter. And then, he stunned Edwina with his next question. "How was Europe, by the way?" She stopped walking and turned to look at him in amazement.

"What makes you think I was in Europe?" Fannie had said that when he called she told him the same laryngitis story she had told her brother.

"I called a couple of times to see how you were. You were so sweet to Helen on her wedding day, you were like a mother to her, and I wanted to thank you. And little Fannie just lied her little tail off, about how you had this terrible cold, and just couldn't talk, and had this dreadful laryngitis," he did a perfect imitation of Fannie, and Edwina laughed as she looked at his strongly chiseled face and his white hair shining in the moonlight, and she realized as she had before that he was actually very handsome. "Anyway, I figured something was wrong, so I did a little careful checking around, and discovered that not only had Malcolm Stone disappeared out of town, but so had Miss Alexis. And then I figured out where you'd gone. I thought of coming after you at one point, but then I decided that if you needed me, you'd call, or at least I hoped you would have. I like to think that we're friends." He looked at her cautiously. "I was actually a little disappointed that you didn't call me." And then he looked down at her very gently. "You got on a ship all by yourself, didn't you?" She had, but she hadn't stayed that way for long. "That took a lot of guts," he continued, as she nodded. "And you found her. Where was she?"

"In London." Edwina smiled, thinking of the scene when they'd found them, and "the magistrate," Patrick.

"She was with Stone?"

Edwina hesitated and then nodded. "But George doesn't know, and I promised her I wouldn't tell him." She looked worriedly up at Sam, and he shook his head with a rueful expression. She was still impressed that he had known and hadn't told anyone. Sam was smart, and discreet, and incredibly caring.

"It's not up to me to tell either my son-in-law or my partner what his sister's been up to. As long as you have it in control, I respect that. Where is Stone now, by the way?"

"I think he stayed there. I don't think he'll be in a hurry to come back to Hollywood. He's too afraid of George."

"Smart man. I think your brother would kill him if he knew. My late wife taught me a few tricks I could have lived without, which is why I suspected Alexis had left town, but she seems to be behaving herself now."

"She is, and she wants to come back to Hollywood in the spring when she turns eighteen, to do another picture. I think maybe George will let her by then, if she still wants to." But Edwina was sure she would. All she talked about was her career as an actress.

"And you?" he asked pointedly. "What are you going to do now?" His eyes met hers and they held for a long time. There were many things he wanted to ask her, things he wanted to tell her about himself, things he wanted to know about her.

"I don't know, Sam." She sighed. But she seemed happy. "I'll do whatever they need me to do, go along, stay at home, whatever ..." She wasn't worried about it just then. She had been following them around for eleven years and she had nothing else to do. Besides, she loved them, but Sam was getting at something else, something he wasn't sure how to broach with Edwina. Something he had been thinking about for a long time, but he didn't know where to start, and for the first time in a long time he was frightened.

They stopped walking and he looked down at her again. Her face was shining up at him in the moonlight, her eyes blue as steel, and her skin stark white in sharp contrast to the dark hair. "What about you, Edwina? When do you get yours? They all have their lives, they're almost gone and you haven't even noticed. Do you know when I realized Helen was gone? The day she married George. All of a sudden, I stood there and handed her over to him. I built an empire for her, and suddenly she was gone. But do you know what else I found out that day, while you were fussing over her, and straightening her veil ... the veil you would have worn, if your fiance hadn't gone down with your parents ... I discovered that I built the empire for myself, too, and there is no one to share it with now. After all these years, and all this work, and all that love I poured out on Helen, and her mother before her ... suddenly, I'm alone. Sure, there will be grandchildren one day, and Helen is still around, but it's not the same. There is no one to hold my hand, to be there for me, no one to care about me ... and no one I care about, except my only daughter. I watched you that day," he said gently, as he took her hand in his much larger one, his face close to hers, and she saw what she'd liked in him right from the beginning. The gentleness, the strength, the kindness, and wisdom. He was the kind of person her father had been, someone you could laugh with and talk to, someone you instinctively loved. He was natural and real, and for a moment she almost thought she loved him. And as she struggled with the thought, he smiled at her. "Do you know what I want? I want to be there for you, to hold your hand, to hold you when you cry and laugh with you when you're having fun. I want to be there for you, Edwina. And I'd like you to be there for me when I need you. We have a right to that, you and I." He smiled at her almost sadly then. "And we've never had it."

She was silent for a long time, not sure what to say to him. He wasn't Patrick or Charles, he wasn't young, but neither was she, and she knew that in an odd way she loved him. He was the man she had wanted for years and never really known it. A man she could care for and respect, and love. A man she could spend the rest of her life with. And then suddenly, for an instant, she understood something else. She knew she would stand beside him through anything, in thick and thin, for better or worse until ... and so it had been with her mother. She had gone down with Bert, because there had been no greater love ... no greater love than she'd had for him ... or than Edwina had had for their children ... or than she and Sam would have one day for each other, or perhaps even their children.

Edwina knew suddenly that one day they would have the same kind of love her parents had had. The kind of love you build, and you cherish, and you take good care of. The kind of love you live for ... and are even willing to die for. Theirs was a quiet thing, but she sensed that beneath the bond that had already formed was the solid rock you could build a life on.

"I don't know what to say ..." She smiled up at him, almost shyly. She had never thought of anything like that with him. She had only thought of him as Helen's father ... but then she remembered how she had turned to him when Alexis had disappeared, how he had been there, and how she had known that if she really needed him, she could call him. He was her friend before he was anything else, and she liked that about him. The truth was, she liked everything about him. "What do you suppose Helen would think?" ... and George ... and the others ... but she suspected they'd be pleased, just as he did.

"I think she'd think I was d.a.m.n lucky, and so would I." He held her hand tightly in his own. "Edwina ... don't say anything if it's too soon. I just want to know if it's possible for you, or if you think I'm crazy." He looked at her hesitantly, almost like a boy, and she laughed as she was suddenly reminded of the children.

"I think we're both crazy, Sam, but I think I like it." She moved closer to him, and he smiled, and then he turned, pulled her close, and held her tight as he kissed her.

PRAISE FOR.

DANIELLE STEEL.

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