Myth-Nomers And Im-Pervections Part 3

"Excuse me . . . I'm sorry," I mumbled, shaking my head slightly to try to clear the spots that still danced in front of my eyes.

"Well . . . watch it next time," he growled. He seemed almost reluctant to break off our encounter, but finally spun on his heel and marched on down the sidewalk.

"You shouldn' t let that fat lug bluff you like that," Kalvin advised. "Stand up to him."

"What makes you think he was bluffing?" I said, resum- ing my journey, taking care to swerve around the other Pervects crowding the path.' 'Besides, there's also the minor detail that he was big enough to squash me like a bug."

"He raised a good point, though," the Djin continued as if I hadn't spoken. "Just where are we going, anyway?"

"Down the street."

"I meant, 'what's our destination?' I thought you said the phone book was no help."

Despite its millions of inhabitants, the Pervish phone book we found had turned out to have less than a dozen pages.

Apparently unlisted phone numbers were very big in this dimension, just one more indication of the social nature of the citizens. Of course, leafing vainly through it, it had occurred to me that Aahz had been with me off-dimension for so long that it was doubtful he would have been in the book even if it contained a full listing.

"I repeat, we're going down the street," I repeated.

"Beyond that, I don't know where we're going. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Then why are we moving at all?" the Djin pressed.

27.

"Wouldn't it be better to wait until we decided on a course of action before we started moving?"

I dodged around a slow-moving couple.

"I think better when I'm walking. Besides, I don't want to draw unnecessary attention to us by lurking suspiciously in alleys while I come up with a plan."

"Hey, you! Hold it a minute!"

This last was blasted with such volume that it momentarily dominated the street noise. Glancing behind me, I saw a uniformed Pervect who looked like a giant bulldog with scales bearing down on me with a purposeful stride.

"What's that?" I said, almost to myself.

Of course, unlike the direct questions I had put to him, Kalvin decided to answer this one.

"I believe it's what you referred to as 'unnecessary atten- tion' . . . also known in some dimensions as a cop."

"I can see that. I just can't understand what he wants with me."

"What did you say?" the cop demanded, heaving to a halt in front of me.

"Me? Nothing," I replied, barely remembering in time that he couldn't see or hear Kalvin. "What's the trouble, officer?"

"Maybe you are. We'll see. What's your name?"

"Don't tell him!" Kalvin whispered in my ear.

"Why?" I said, the words slipping out before I had a chance to think.

"Because it's my job to keep track of suspicious charac- ters," the cop growled, taking my question as being directed at him.

"Me? What have I done that's suspicious?"

"I've been following you for a couple of blocks now, and I've seen how you keep swervin' around folks. I even 28.

saw you apologize to someone and . . . say, I'll ask the questions here. Now, what's your name?"

"Tell him to bag it!" Kalvin advised. "He doesn't have a warrant or anything."

"Skeeve, sir," I supplied, desperately trying to ignore the Djin. All I needed now was to. get in trouble with the local authorities. "Sorry if I'm acting strange, but I'm . . .

not from around here and I'm a little disoriented."

I decided at the last moment to try to keep my off-dimen- sion origins a secret. The policeman seemed to be fooled by my disguise spell, and I saw no point in enlightening him unless asked directly.

"You're being too polite!" the Djin whispered insistantly.

"That's what made him suspicious in the first place, re- member?"

"Not from around here, eh?" the cop snarled. "So tell me, Mr. Can't-Walk-Like-Normal-Folks-Skeeve, just where is it you're from . . . exactly^"

'So much for keeping my origins a secret.

"Well, I was born on Klah, but lately I've been living at the Bazaar at Deva where I ..."

"From off-dimension! I might have known. I suppose comin' from Deva that you're going to try to tell me you're here on business."

"Well, sort of. I'm here looking for my business partner."

"Another one from off-dimension! Any more and we'll have to fumigate the whole place."

The cop's mouth was starting to get on my nerves, but 1 thought it wise to keep a rein on my temper, despite the warning from Kalvin.

"Actually, he's from here. That is, he's a Pervect."

"A Pervect? Now I've heard everything. A fellow from off-dimension who claims to have a Pervect for a business partner!"

29.

That did it.

"That's right!" I barked. "What's more, he happens to be my best friend. We had a fight and I'm trying to find him and get him to rejoin the company. What's it to you, anyway?"

The cop gave ground a little, then scowled at me.

"Well, I guess you're tellin' the truth. Even someone from off-dimension could come up with a better lie than that. Just watch your step, fella. We don't like outsiders much on Perv."

He gave me one last hard glare, then wandered off, glanc- ing back at me from time to time. Still a little hot under the collar, I matched him glare for glare.

"That's better," Kalvin chortled, reminding me of his presence. "A Klahd, huh? That explains a few things.."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

Like I said, I was still a little miffed.

' 'Like why we've been wandering around without a plan.

You aren't used to metropolises this size, are you?"

Mad as I was, I couldn't argue with that.

"Well ..."

"If you don't mind, could I offer you a little advice without your asking for it?"

I shrugged non-committally.

"It's obvious to me this little search of yours could take some time. It might be a good idea if we hunted up a hotel to use for a base camp. If that cop had asked where you were staying on Perv, things might have gotten a little awk- ward."

That made sense. It also brought home to me just how much of a stranger in a strange land I was. On most of my adventures I had either slept under the stars or had housing provided by friends or business a.s.sociates. Consequently, I had remarkably little experience with hotels. .. like none.

30 "Thanks, Kalvin," I said, regaining a bit of my normal composure. " So how do you recommend we find a hotel?''

"We could hail a cab and ask the driver."

Terrific. The Djin was being his normal, helpful self. I was beginning to feel some things weren't going to change.

Chapter Four:.

"Taxis are water soluble."

-G. KELLY.

"I'LL TELL YA, this would be a pretty nice place, if it weren't for all the Perverts."

The taxi driver said this the same way he had made all his comments since picking us up: over his shoulder while carelessly steering his vehicle full tilt through the melee of traffic.

I had ignored most of his chatter, which didn't seem to bother him. He apparently didn't expect a response, but this last comment caught my interest.

"Excuse me, but aren't you a Pervert ... I mean, a Pervect?"

The driver nodded vigorously and half turned in his seat to face me.

"There. See what I mean?"

Frankly, I didn't. If there was logic in his statement, it escaped my comprehension. What I did see, however, was that we were still plunging forward without slacking our speed. There was a tangle of stopped vehicles ahead which 31.

32 the driver seemed obliyious to as he tried to make his con- versational point. A collision seemed inescapable.

"Look out!'' I shouted, pointing frantically at the obstruc- tions.

Without losing eye contact, the driver's hand lashed out and smashed down on the toy stuffed goose that was taped down in front of him. The thing let out a harsh, tremendous "HONK!!" that would have gotten it named king of the geese if they ever held an election.

"Anyway, that's what I'm talkin' about." The driver finished and turned his attention forward again.

The traffic jam had miraculously melted away before he had finished speaking, and we sailed through the intersection unscathed.

"Relax, Skeeve," Kalvin laughed. "This guy's a profes- sional."

"A professional what?" I muttered.

"How's that?" the driver said, starting to turn again.

"NOTHING! I ... nothing."

I had been unimpressed with the taxi since it had picked us up. Actually, 'picked us up' is much too mild a phrase and doesn't begin to convey what had actually happened.

Following Kalvin's instructions, I had stepped to the curb and raised my hand.

"Like this?" 1 said, making the mistake of turning my head to ask him directly.

Facing away from the street, I missed what happened next, which is probably just as well. The normal traffic din suddenly erupted with shrieks and crashes. Startled, I jerked my hand back and jumped sideways to a spot a safer distance from the street. By the time I focused on the scene, most of the noise and the action had ceased.

Traffic was backed up behind the vehicle crouched at the curb beside us, and blocked drivers were leaning out to 33.

shout andIor shake their fists threateningly. There may have been a few collisions, but the condition of most of the vehicles on the street was such that I couldn't be certain which damages were new and which were scars from earlier skirmishes.

"That's right," Kalvin said, apparently unruffled by the mayhem which had just transpired. "Get in."

"You're kidding!"

The vehicle which had stopped for us was not one to I inspire confidence. It was sort of a box-like contraption hanging between two low-slung, tailless lizards. The reptiles had blindfolds wrapped around their head obscuring their ! eyes, but they kept casting from side to side while their i tongues lashed in and out questing for data on their surround- ings. Simply put, they looked powerful and hungry enough for me to want to keep my distance.

"Maybe we should wait for another one," I suggested hopefully.

"Get in," the Djin ordered. "If we block traffic too long the cop will be back."

That was sufficient incentive for me, and I bravely entered the box and took a seat behind the driver, Kalvin never leaving my shoulder. The interior of the box seemed safe enough. There were two seats in the rear where I was sitting, and another beside the driver, although the latter seemed filled to overflowing with papers and boxes that would oc- casionally spill to the floor when we took a corner too fast ... which was always. There were notes and pictures pinned and taped to the walls and ceiling in a halo around the driver, and a confusing array of dials and switches on the .panel in front of him. Basically, one had the suspicion the jdriver lived in his vehicle, which was vaguely rea.s.suring.