Myth-Nomers And Im-Pervections Part 15

Before I could think of a witty answer to that one, a uniformed policeman rapped at the doorframe, entered the room, and pa.s.sed a sheet of paper to the captain. Something about the way the latter* s lips tightened as he scanned the sheet made me nervous.

"Well, well, Mis-tet Skeeve," he said at last, dropping the paper onto the desk in front of him. "It seems this isn't the first time you've dealt with the police since arriving in this dimension."

"Uh-oh," Kalvin-exclaimed, rolling his eyes, "here it comes!"

"What makes you say that, Captain?"

I had a hunch it wouldn't do any good to act innocent.

Unfortunately, I didn't have any other ideas about how to act.

"What makes me say that is the report I just received. I thought I should check with the other precincts to see if they had heard of you, and it seems they have."

"That's why they've been stalling," J.R. put in. "To wait until the reports came in. It's called police efficiency."

The captain ignored him.

"According to this, you've had two run-ins with the police already. First for acting suspicious on the public streets ..."

"I was being polite instead of barreling into people!" I broke in, exasperated. "I'm sorry, I was new here and didn't know 'rude' was the operative word for this dimen- sion. You should put up signs or something warning people that being polite is grounds for hara.s.sment on Perv!"

The captain continued as if I hadn't spoken.

"... And later that same day, you tried to get out of paying for a pretty expensive meal."

"I fainted, for Pete's sake! As soon as I came to, I paid for the meal, even though I hadn't eaten a bite."

'' Now that in itself sounds a little suspicious," the captain 127.

said, pursing his lips. "Why would you order a meal you couldn't, or wouldn't, eat?"

"Because I didn't know I couldn't eat it when I ordered it, obviously. I keep telling you . . . I'm new here!"

"Uh huh," the policeman leaned back and studied me through slitted eyes. "You've got a glib answer for every- thing . . . don't you. Mister Skeeve."

"That's because it's true! Would I be less suspicious if I didn't have answers for your questions? Tell me, Captain, I really want to know! I know I'm not a criminal, what does it take to convince you?"

The captain shook his head slowly.

"Frankly, I don't know. I've been on the force for a long time, and I've learned to trust my instincts. Your story sounds good, but my instinct tells me you're trouble looking for a place to happen."

I could see I was playing into a stacked deck, so I aban- doned the idea of impressing him with my innocence.

"I guess the bottom line is the same as before that sheet came in, then. Are you going to press charges against me ... or am I free to go?"

He studied me for a few more moments, then waved his hand.

"Go on. Get out of here . . . and take your little street buddy with you. Just take my advice and don't carry so much cash in the future. There's no profit in teasing the animals."

If I had been thinking, I would have let it go at that.

Unfortunately, it had been a long day and I was both tired and annoyed ... a dangerous combination.

"I'll remember that, Captain," I said, rising to my feet.

"I had been under the impression that the police were around to protect innocent citizens like me . . . not to waste every- 128.

body's time hara.s.sing them. Believe me, I've learned my lesson."

Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing the police.

"... And if we don't check on suspicious characters before they make trouble, then all we're good for is filling out reports AFTER a crime had been committed," the cap- tain spat bitterly. "Either way, 'innocent citizens' like you can find something to gripe about!"

"I'm sorry. Captain. I shouldn't have . . ."

I don't know if he even heard my attempted apology. If he did, it didn't make a difference.

"You see, I've learned my lesson, too. When I first joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens . . . and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would be a thankless occupation. What I hadn't realized was that 'innocent citizens' like you are not only ungrateful, the tendency is to treat the police like they're enemies!"

I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject.

Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish.

"Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but n.o.body wants a prison in their community ... or to vote in the taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are over- crowded, and the 'innocent citizens' scream b.l.o.o.d.y murder every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender out on parole."

He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed to his subject.

"n.o.body sees the crimes that aren't committed. We can reduce the crime rate 98%, and the 'innocent citizens' blame 129.

US for that last 2% ... as if we were the ones committing the crimes! n.o.body wants to cooperate with the police or approve the tax allocations necessary to keep up with infla- tion, so we can't even keep'abreast of where we are, much less expand to keep up with the population growth."

He paused and leveled an accusing finger at J.R.

"Then there are 'innocent citizens' like your buddy here, who admits he's running an illegal, unlicensed business.

What that means, incidentally, is that he doesn't have to pay any taxes, even the existing ones, although he expects the same protection from us as the storekeepers who do, even though most of them cheat on their taxes as well."

"So we're supposed to keep the peace and apprehend criminals while we're understaffed and using equipment that's outdated and falling apart. About all we have to work with is our instincts . . . and then we get ha.s.sled for using that!"

He came to a halt in front of me, and pushed his face close to mine, treating me to another blast of his breath. I didn't point it out to him.

"Well this time we're going to see just how good my instincts are. I'm letting you go for now, but it occurs to me it might be a good idea to run a check on you on other dimensions. If you're just an innocent businessman like you claim, we won't find anything ... but if I'm right," he gave me a toothy grin, "you've probably tangled with the law before, and we'll find that too. I'm betting you've left a trail of trouble behind you, a trail that leads right to here.

If so, we'll be talking again . . . real soon. I don't want you to switch hotels or try to leave the dimension without letting me know, understand? I want to be able to find you again, MISTER Skeeve!"

Chapter Fourteen:.

'Parting is such sweet sorrow."

-FIGARO THE POSSIBILITY OF an extensive check on my off-dimen- sion background worried me, but not so much that I forgot my manners. J.R. had saved my skin in the alley fight, and, throughout the police grilling, a part of my mind had been searching for a way to repay him. As we left the police station, I thought I had the answer.

"Say, J.R.," I said, turning to him on the steps, "about that business you want to start . . . how much capital would you need to get started?"

I could see his neck stiffening as I spoke.

"I told you before, Mr. Skeeve, I won't take a reward for saving your life."

"Who said anything about a reward? I'm talking about investing in your operation and taking a share of the profits.''

That one stopped him in his tracks.

"You'd do that?"

"Why not? I'm a businessman and always try to keep an eye open for new ventures to back. The trickiest thing is 131.

132.

finding trustworthy princ.i.p.als to manage the investments.

In your case, you've already proved to me that you're trustworthy. So how much would you need for this plan of yours?"

The street vendor thought for a few moments.

"Even with backing I'd want to start small and build.

Figuring that. . . yeah. I think about five thousand in gold would start things off right."

"Oh," I said, intelligently. I wasn't about to question his figures, but the start-up cost was higher than I had expected. I only had a couple thousand with me, and most of that was going to cover Edvick's services and the hotel bill. So much for a grand gesture!

"I'll ... uh ... have to think about it."

J.R.'s face fell.

"Yeah. Sure. Well, you know where to find me when you make up your mind."

He turned and strode off down the street without looking back. It was silly to feel bad about not fulfilling an offer I didn't have to make, but I did.

"Well, I guess it's time for us to head back to the hotel . . . right Skeeve?" Kalvin chimed in.

I had botched the job with J. R., but I resolved that this one I was going to do right.

"No," I said.

"No?" the Djin echoed. "So where are we going in- stead?"

"That's the whole point, Kalvin. We aren't going any- where. I'm going back to the hotel. You're going back to Djinger."

He floated up to eye level with me, frowning as he c.o.c.ked his head to one side.

"I don't get it. Why should I go back to Djinger?"

"Because you've filled your contract. That means you're 133.

free to go, so I a.s.sume you're going."

"I did?"

"Sure. Back in the alley. You used a spell to sober me up before I had to fight those goons. To my thinking, that fulfills your contract."

The Djin stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"I dunno," he said. "That wasn't much of a spell."

"You never promised much," I insisted. "As a matter of fact, you went to great lengths to impress me with how little you could do."

"Oh, that," Kalvin waved his hand deprecatingly.

"That's just the standard line of banter we feed to the cus- tomers. It keeps them from expecting too much of a Djin.

You'd be amazed at some of the things folks expect us to do. If we can keep their expectations low, then they're easier to impress when we strut our stuff."

"Well it worked. I'm impressed. If you hadn't done your thing back there in the alley, my goose would have been cooked before J.R. hit the scene."

"Glad to help. It was less dangerous than trying to lend a hand in the fight."

"Maybe, but by my count it still squares things between us. You promised one round of minor help, and delivered it at a key moment. That's all your contract called for . . .

and more."

The Djin folded his arms and stared, frowning into the distance for several moments.

"Check me on this, Skeeve," he said finally, "I've been helpful to you so far, right?"

"Right,'' I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to.

"And I've been pretty good company, haven't I? I mean, I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you haven't seemed to mind having me around."

"Right again."

134 "So why are you trying to get rid of me?"

Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well meant advice from the b.u.t.terfly, the drinking, the fight, the head-b.u.t.ting with the police all swelled within me until my mind and temper burst from the pressure.