My Uncle Oswald Part 12

KING PETER OF SERBIA " " 33.

The Netherlands was out because it had only a queen. Portugal was out because the monarchy had been overthrown in the revolution of 1910. And Monaco was not worth fooling with. There remained only our King George V. After much debate, we decided to leave the old boy alone. It was all just a little bit too much on our own doorstep for comfort, and in any event I had plans for using this particular gentleman in quite another way, as you will see in a moment. We decided, though, to put Edward, Prince of Wales, on the list as a possible extra. Yasmin plus Blister Beetle could roll him over anytime she wished. What's more, she could hardly wait.

The list of great men and geniuses was more difficult to compile. A few of them like Puccini and Joseph Conrad and Richard Strauss were obvious. So were Renoir and Monet, two rather ancient candidates who must clearly be visited pretty soon. But there was more to it than that. We had to decide which of the present-day (1919) great and famous men would still be great and famous ten, twenty, and even fifty years thence. There was also a more difficult group, the younger ones who were at present only moderately famous but who looked as though they might well become great and famous later on. This part of it was a bit of a gamble. It was also a matter of flair and judgement. Would the young James Joyce, for example, who was only thirty-seven years old, come to be regarded as a genius by later generations? I voted yes. So did A. R. Woresley. Yasmin had never heard of him. By a vote of two to one we put him on the list.

In the end, we decided to make two separate lists. The first would have top priority. The second would contain the possibles. We would get round to the possibles only after we had polished off the top priority boys. We would also pay attention to age. The older ones should, whenever possible, be attended to first in case they expired before we got to them.

We agreed that lists should be updated each year to include any new possibles who might suddenly have shot into prominence.

Our priority list, compiled in June 1919, was as follows, in alphabetical order:

BELL, ALEXANDER GRAHAM present age 72 BONNARD, PIERRE " " 52.

CHURCHILL, WINSTON " " 45.

CONRAD, JOSEPH " " 62.

DOYLE, ARTHUR CONAN " " 6o EINSTEIN, ALBERT " " 40.

FORD, HENRY " " 56.

FREUD, SIGMUND " " 63.

KIPLING, RUDYARD " " 54.

LAWRENCE, DAVID HERBERT " " 34.

LAWRENCE, THOMAS EDWARD " " 31.

LENIN, VLADIMIR ILYICH " " 49.

MARCONI, GUGLIELMO " " 45.

MATISSE, HENRI " " 50.

MONET, CLAUDE79.

MUNCH, EDVARD " ".

PROUST, MARCEL " " 48.

PUCCINI, GIACOMO " " 61.

RACHMANINOFF, SERGEI " " 46.

RENOIR, AUGUSTE " " 78.

SHAW, GEORGE BERNARD " " 63.

SIBELIUS, JEAN54.

STRAUSS, RICHARD " " 55.

STRAVINSKY, IGOR " " 37.

YEATS, WILLIAM BUTLER " " 54.

And here was our second list, comprising some fairly speculative younger men as well as a few borderline cases:

AMUNDSEN, ROALD present age 47 BRAQUE, GEORGES " " 37.

CARUSO, ENRICO " " 46.

CASALS, PABLO " " 43.

CLEMENCEAU, GEORGES " " 78.

DELIUS, FREDERICK " " 57.

FOCH, MARECHAL FERDINAND " " 68.

GANDHI, MOHANDAS " " 50.

HAIG, GENERAL SIR DOUGLAS " " 58.

JOYCE, JAMES " " 37.

KANDINSKY, Wa.s.sILY " " 53.

LLOYDGEORGE, DAVID " " 56.

MANN, THOMAS " " 44.

NIJINSKY, VASLAV " " 29.

PERSHING, GENERAL JOHN J. " " 59.

PICa.s.sO, PABLO " " 38.

RAVEL, MAURICE " " 44.

RUSSELL, BERTRAND " " 47.

SCHOENBERG, ARNOLD " " 45.

TAGORE, RABINDRANATH " " 58.

TROTSKY, LEV DAVIDOVICH " " 40.

VALENTINO, RUDOLPH "24.

WILSON, WOODROW " " 63.

Of course there were errors and omissions in these lists. There is no more difficult game than to try spotting an authentic and enduring genius during his lifetime. Fifty years after he's dead it becomes easier. But dead men were no use to us. One more point. Rudolph Valentino was included not because we thought he was a genius. It was a commercial decision. We were guessing that the s.e.m.e.n of a man who had such an immense and fanatical band of followers might well be a good seller in days to come. Nor did we think Woodrow Wilson was a genius, or Caruso. But they were world-famous figures, and we had to take that into consideration.

Europe, of course, must be covered first. The long trip to America would have to wait. So onto one wall of the living-room we fixed an enormous map of Europe and covered it with little flags. Each flag pinpointed the precise whereabouts of a candidate--red flags for the priorities, yellow for the second group, with a name and address on each flag. Thus, Yasmin and I would be able to plan our visits geographically, area by area, instead of rushing from one end of the continent to the other and back again. France had the most flags of all, and the Paris region was literally cluttered with them.

"What a pity both Degas and Rodin died two years ago," I said.

"I want to do the kings first," Yasmin said. The three of us were sitting in the living-room of Dunroamin discussing the next move.

"Why the kings?"

"Because I have a terrific urge to be ravished by royalty," she said.

"You are being flippant," A. R. Woresley said.

"Why shouldn't I choose," she said. "I'm the one at the receiving end, not you. I'd like to do the King of Spain first. Then we can nip over to Italy and do old Vittorio Emanuele, then Serbia, then Greece, and so on. We'll polish off the whole lot of them in a couple of weeks."

"May I ask how you intend to gain access to all these royal palaces?" A. R. Woresley said to me. "Yasmin can't just go knocking on the front door and expect to be received in private by the king. And don't forget it's got to be in private or it's no good."

"That part shouldn't be too difficult," I said.

"It's going to be impossible," Woresley said. "We shall probably have to forget about the kings."

I had been working on this problem for several weeks and I had my answer ready. "Easy as pie," I said. "We shall use King George the Fifth as a decoy. He'll get her in."

"Don't be ridiculous, Cornelius."

I went to a drawer and took out some sheets of notepaper. "Let's a.s.sume you want to do the King of Spain first," I said, riffling through the sheets. "Ah yes, here we are. 'My dear Alfonso . . .'" I handed the notepaper to Woresley. Yasmin got up from her chair to look at it over his shoulder.

"What in G.o.d's name is this?" he cried.

"It's an extremely personal letter from King George the Fifth to King Alfonso," I said. And indeed it was.

The notepaper had a heavily embossed royal coat of arms in red at the top centre, and on the top right, also embossed in red, it said simply BUCKINGHAM PALACE, LONDON. Below, in a reasonable imitation of the King's flowing handwriting, I had written the following:

_My Dear Alfonso,_

_This will introduce to you a dear friend of mine, Lady Victoria Nottingham. She is travelling alone to Madrid to clear up a small matter that has to do with an estate that has come to her through her Spanish maternal grandmother._ _My request is that you see Lady Victoria briefly and in _absolute privacy_. She is having some trouble with the local authorities over t.i.tle deeds and I am sure that if you yourself, after she has explained her problem, will drop a hint with the right people, then everything will go smoothly for her._ _I am taking you, my dear Alfonso, very deeply into my confidence when 1 tell you that Lady Victoria is an especially close personal friend of mine. Let us leave it at that and say no more. But / know I can rely upon you to keep this intelligence entirely to yourself._ _When you receive this note, the lady in question will be at the Ritz Hotel, Madrid. Do please send her a message as soon as possible granting her a private audience._ _Burn this letter when read, and make no reply to me._ _I am at your service at all times._

_With warmest personal regards,_

_George RI_

Both A. R. Woresley and Yasmin looked up at me with eyes popping.

"Where did you get this notepaper?" Woresley said.

"I had it printed."

"Did you write this yourself?"

"I did and I'm rather proud of it. It's a very fair imitation of the King's handwriting. And the signature is almost perfect. I practiced it for days."

"You'll be had up for forgery! You'll be sent to prison!"

"No, I won't," I said. "Alfonso won't dare tell a soul. Don't you see the beauty of it? Our great and n.o.ble King is hinting that he is having a backstairs affair with Yasmin. That, my dear sir, is very confidential and dangerous material. And don't forget, European royalty is the most tightly knit and exclusive club in the world. They work together. Every ruddy one of them is related to the other in some crazy way. They're tangled up like spaghetti. No--there is not the slightest chance of Alfonso letting the King of England down. He'll see Yasmin at once. He'll be dying to see her. He'll want to take a good look at this woman who is the secret mistress of old George Five. Remember also that right now our King is the most respected of all the royals. He's just won the war."