My Brilliant Career Part 40

"The world is filled with folly and sin, And love must cling where it can, I say; For beauty is easy enough to win, But one isn't loved every day,"

I quoted from Owen Meredith.

"Yes," he said, "that is why I want you. Just think a moment; don't say no. You are not vexed with me--are you, Syb?"

"Vexed, Hal! I am scarcely inhuman enough to be angry on account of being loved."

Ah, why did I not love him as I have it in me to love! Why did he look so exasperatingly humble? I was weak, oh, so pitifully weak! I wanted a man who would be masterful and strong, who would help me over the rough spots of life--one who had done hard grinding in the mill of fate--one who had suffered, who had understood. No; I could never marry Harold Beecham.

"Well, Syb, little chum, what do you say?"

"Say!"--and the words fell from me bitterly--"I say, leave me; go and marry the sort of woman you ought to marry. The sort that all men like.

A good conventional woman, who will do the things she should at the proper time. Leave me alone."

He was painfully agitated. A look of pain crossed his face.

"Don't say that, Syb, because I was a beastly cad once: I've had all that knocked out of me."

"I am the cad," I replied. "What I said was nasty and unwomanly, and I wish I had left it unsaid. I am not good enough to be your wife, Hal, or that of any man. Oh, Hal, I have never deceived you! There are scores of good n.o.ble women in the world who would wed you for the asking--marry one of them."

"But, Syb, I want you. You are the best and truest girl in the world."

"Och! Sure, the blarney-stone is getting a good rub now," I said playfully.

Annoyance and amus.e.m.e.nt struggled for mastery in his expression as he replied:

"You're the queerest girl in the world. One minute you snub a person, the next you are the jolliest girl going, and then you get as grave and earnest as a fellow's mother would be."

"Yes, I am queer. If you had any sense, you'd have nothing to do with me. I'm more queer, too. I am given to something which a man never pardons in a woman. You will draw away as though I were a snake when you hear."

"What is it?"

"I am given to writing stories, and literary people predict I will yet be an auth.o.r.ess."

He laughed--his soft, rich laugh.

"That's just into my hand. I'd rather work all day than write the shortest letter; so if you will give me a hand occasionally, you can write as many yarns as you like. I'll give you a study, and send for a truck-load of writing-gear at once, if you like. Is that the only horror you had to tell me?"

I bowed my head.

"Well, I can have you now," he said gently, folding me softly in his arms with such tender reverence that I cried out in pain, "Oh, Hal, don't, don't!" and struggled free. I was ashamed, knowing I was not worthy of this.

He flushed a dusky red.

"Am I so hateful to you that you cannot bear my touch?" he asked half wistfully, half angrily.

"Oh no; it isn't that. I'm really very fond of you, if you'd only understand," I said half to myself.

"Understand! If you care for me, that is all I want to understand. I love you, and have plenty of money. There is nothing to keep us apart.

Now that I know you care for me, I _will_ have you, in spite of the devil."

"There will be a great tussle between you," I said mischievously, laughing at him. "Old Nick has a great hold on me, and I'm sure he will dispute your right."

At any time Harold's sense of humour was not at all in accordance with his size, and he failed to see how my remark applied now.

He gripped my hands in a pa.s.sion of pleading, as two years previously he had seized me in jealous rage. He drew me to him. His eyes were dark and full of entreaty; his voice was husky.

"Syb, poor little Syb, I will be good to you! You can have what you like. You don't know what you mean when you say no."

No; I would not yield. He offered me everything--but control. He was a man who meant all he said. His were no idle promises on the spur of the moment. But no, no, no, no, he was not for me. My love must know, must have suffered, must understand.

"Syb, you do not answer. May I call you mine? You must, you must, you must!"

His hot breath was upon my cheek. The pleasant, open, manly countenance was very near-perilously near. The intoxication of his love was overpowering me. I had no hesitation about trusting him. He was not distasteful to me in any way. What was the good of waiting for that other--the man who had suffered, who knew, who understood? I might never find him; and, if I did, ninety-nine chances to one he would not care for me.

"Syb, Syb, can't you love me just a little?"

There was a winning charm in his manner. Nature had endowed him liberally with virile fascination. My hard uncongenial life had rendered me weak. He was drawing me to him; he was irresistible. Yes; I would be his wife. I grew dizzy, and turned my head sharply backwards and took a long gasping breath, another and another, of that fresh cool air suggestive of the grand old sea and creak of cordage and bustle and strife of life. My old spirit revived, and my momentary weakness fled.

There was another to think of than myself, and that was Harold. Under a master-hand I would be harmless; but to this man I would be as a two-edged sword in the hand of a novice--gashing his fingers at every turn, and eventually stabbing his honest heart.

It was impossible to make him see my refusal was for his good. He was as a favourite child pleading for a dangerous toy. I desired to gratify him, but the awful responsibility of the after-effects loomed up and deterred me.

"Hal, it can never be."

He dropped my hands and drew himself up.

"I will not take your No till the morning. Why do you refuse me? Is it my temper? You need not be afraid of that. I don't think I'd hurt you; and I don't drink, or smoke, or swear very much; and I've never destroyed a woman's name. I would not stoop to press you against your will if you were like the ordinary run of women; but you are such a queer little party, that I'm afraid you might be boggling at some funny little point that could easily be wiped out."

"Yes; it is only a little point. But if you wipe it out you will knock the end out of the whole thing--for the point is myself. I would not suit you. It would not be wise for you to marry me."

"But I'm the only person concerned. If you are not afraid for yourself, I am quite satisfied."

We faced about and walked homewards in unbroken silence--too perturbed to fall into our usual custom of chewing bush-leaves as we went.

I thought much that night when all the house was abed. It was tempting.

Harold would be good to me, and would lift me from this life of poverty which I hated, to one of ease. Should I elect to remain where I was, till the grave there was nothing before me but the life I was leading now: my only chance of getting above it was by marriage, and Harold Beecham's offer was the one chance of a lifetime. Perhaps he could manage me well enough. Yes; I had better marry him.

And I believe in marriage--that is, I think it the most sensible and respectable arrangement for the replenishing of a nation which has yet been suggested. But marriage is a solemn issue of life. I was as suited for matrimony as any of the s.e.x, but only with an exceptional helpmeet--and Harold was not he. My latent womanliness arose and pointed this out so plainly that I seized my pen and wrote:

DEAR HAROLD,

I will not get a chance of speaking to you in the morning, so write.

Never mention marriage to me again. I have firmly made up my mind--it must be No. It will always be a comfort to me in the years to come to know that I was loved once, if only for a few hours. It is not that I do not care for you, as I like you better than any man I have ever seen; but I do not mean ever to marry. When you lost your fortune I was willing to accede to your request, as I thought you wanted me; but now that you are rich again you will not need me. I am not good enough to be your wife, for you are a good man; and better, because you do not know you are good. You may feel uncomfortable or lonely for a little while, because, when you make up your mind, you are not easily thwarted; but you will find that your fancy for me will soon pa.s.s. It is only a fancy, Hal. Take a look in the gla.s.s, and you will see reflected there the figure of a stalwart man who is purely virile, possessing not the slightest attribute of the weaker s.e.x, therefore your love is merely a pa.s.sing flame. I do not impute fickleness to you, but merely point out a masculine characteristic, and that you are a man, and only a man, pure and unadulterated. Look around, and from the numbers of good women to be found on every side choose one who will make you a fitter helpmeet, a more conventional comrade, than I could ever do. I thank you for the inestimable honour you have conferred upon me; but keep it till you find some one worthy of it, and by and by you will be glad that I have set you free.

Good-bye, Hal!