Murder With All The Trimmings Part 11

She was relieved to park in front of her house. She noticed it was the only home on the block with no holiday decorations. Josie's pristine yard seemed cheerless and bare.

Inside, Josie made coffee and checked her e-mail. Her boss, Harry, acknowledged that he'd received her mystery-shopper report, but made no other comment. He also had no work for her. It was time to drag out the outdoor Christmas decorations, a task Josie was in no mood for. Her trips to the mall had soured her Christmas spirit.

Might as well wallow in my bad mood, Josie thought. She put on the Dixie Chicks' "Goodbye Earl" video and cranked up the sound, something she did only when she was alone. She sang along with the story of the wife basher who was done in by poisoned black-eyed peas. If only my problem could be solved as easily, Josie thought. She imagined a dead Nate rolled up in a tarp like a burrito.

Josie brushed the picture from her mind and hauled Jane's pride and joy out of the bas.e.m.e.nt-a five-foot-tall toy soldier in red, white and yellow twinkle lights.

Josie had bought the outdoor decoration cheap at an after-Christmas sale and regretted it ever since. But Jane and Amelia insisted it belonged on their lawn, guarding the twinkle-light reindeer, the snowman, and the nearly life-size Nativity scene.

The garish display embarra.s.sed Josie, but she told herself she was being a sn.o.b. She stripped the protective plastic wrap off the soldier in the kitchen and dragged him through the living room.

"Get out here, you worthless b.i.t.c.h!" a voice screamed. For a moment Josie thought she was back in the Dixie Chicks' trailer park.

"You ruined my store, you b.i.t.c.h," the woman cried, and Josie realized that was no video. It was her life.

A furious Doreen was on the porch, clutching a fistful of paper that was probably Josie's mystery-shopper report. Josie peeked out the blinds. Doreen was a fearsome sight in dead black, her hair flying every which way. She pounded on Josie's door until her sallow skin turned red.

"Get out here, so I can tear the hair out of your s.l.u.tty head," Doreen screamed.

Where did Doreen get that report? Josie wondered. Her name wasn't on it. But Harry wouldn't hesitate to sell out his staff. He'd done it before. Thanks to Heather, Doreen knew where Josie lived. Now Mike's ex was on Josie's doorstep, demanding retribution.

Might as well face her-but not without a weapon. Josie hung on to her giant toy soldier as a flimsy shield. She flung open her front door. Doreen nearly smashed Josie's face with her fist.

"How dare you make up those lies?" Doreen shrieked. "You said there were roaches in my gingerbread. It's not true."

"It is true," Josie said. "I have the cake and the roach."

"You planted that roach in my gingerbread. Heather saw you."

"No, she didn't," Josie said. "I brought a witness when I mystery-shopped your store. She saw me bite into that roach. Your daughter charged me for insect-infested cake. I should report you to the health department."

"It's not me," Doreen said. "I don't have roaches. Elsie and her d.a.m.ned Elf House planted them in my store. She's out to ruin my business."

"She doesn't need to," Josie said. "You're doing a fine job all by yourself."

Josie looked up and saw Mrs. Mueller watching the show. She wished the older woman would help break up the fight, but she stood there like a lawn ornament.

Suddenly a broom came out of nowhere. A furious Jane whacked the witchy Doreen in the head.

"Don't you dare threaten my daughter," Jane said. "Get off my porch before I call the police. You and your juvenile delinquent Heather are both trouble. She was here the other night. She got drunk and threw beer bottles at my neighbor's fence. Drunk! Now you dare accuse Josie of lying? I'll tell everyone at the St. Philomena Sodality, and we'll boycott that nastiness you sell. p.o.r.naments, indeed. They belong in a Hustler store, not in Maplewood. For shame! You're the mother of a young daughter. What kind of example are you?"

"Shut up, b.i.t.c.h," Doreen said.

"Don't you talk to my mother like that." Josie hit Doreen with the toy soldier. She heard a cracking noise, and hoped it was Doreen.

Doreen didn't move.

Jane brandished her broom. "Go on, get out of here. Out, before I sweep you away like the trash you are!" Jane thumped Doreen on the shoulders like a disobedient dog and shooed her out to her car.

"You'll be sorry, Josie Marcus, and so will that s.h.i.tty plumber you date."

After Doreen started the engine and drove off, Josie hugged her mother.

"Thanks, Mom," she said. "You saved me."

Jane was fluffed up like an angry hen. "I can't believe that woman, selling filth in my neighborhood-and accusing you of lying. I had enough."

"I'm glad you did." Josie gave her mother another hug. Mrs. Mueller was barricaded in her house, probably telephoning the whole neighborhood with the latest Marcus disgrace.

"What have you done to my soldier?" Jane said.

Josie saw that his arm hung crooked and his shoulder was broken.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Josie said. "I'll get you a new one."

"He died in a good cause," Jane said.

For the rest of the day, Josie dragged out lawn ornaments and set them up in the front yard. She hung a pinecone wreath on the door and stockings on the fake fireplace. Then she went out to the car, retrieved the roach-infested cake, and put it in a plastic bag with a sign that said, POISON. DO NOT EAT.

She hoped Mike would call so they could go out tonight. Noon. No call. One o'clock, no call. Two o'clock pa.s.sed without a word from Mike.

By the time she left to pick up Amelia at school, Mike still hadn't called. Was he mad at her because of that report? Well, she wasn't waiting around for her phone to ring, like a lovesick teenager. Josie turned on the outdoor lights so Amelia could see the full display on their lawn when she came home.

"Awesome," Amelia said, when they pulled up in front of the house. "We've got the brightest house on the block."

"Yes, we do," Josie said. She wished they didn't.

"There's the snowman, the giant candy cane, and the Nativity scene. But where's the toy soldier?" Amelia asked.

"He met with a little accident," Josie said.

"What happened?"

"He ran into Heather's mom. She tried to attack me."

"She's nutso-crazy," Amelia said.

"I'll find you another toy soldier," Josie said.

"Can we get a Christmas tree, Mom? A real one?"

"Do you really want to kill a tree for Christmas?" Josie asked.

"It's a sacrifice we should make," Amelia said.

Chapter 13.

Josie crunched her way across the parking lot to Elsie's Elf House. She checked Naughty or Nice carefully, hoping she wouldn't see the awful Doreen peering out the windows. The last thing she needed was that crazy woman screaming at her.

Josie wanted a peaceful shopping moment before she picked up Amelia at school. She was going to buy Alyce's Christmas present. If that upset Doreen, too bad.

The picketers were still circling Doreen's store and chanting, despite the cold. Some carried the wounded woman's picture, with the slogan, NEARLY KILLED IN A CHRISTIAN CAUSE. Another said, MILDRED SPRIKE-CHRISTIAN MARTYR.

She's not dead yet, Josie thought. But the injured woman had a saintly look with her halo of light hair and high-necked blouse.

A sign in Elsie's window proclaimed: TRY OUR FAMOUS CHOCOLATE SNOWMAN-A SPECIAL YULETIDE TREAT.

The bells jingled merrily on Elsie's door.Josie breathed in the air, richly scented with pine and cinnamon.

"Get out of my way," said a woman. She rudely elbowed herself past Josie, hitting her arm with an empty plastic bottle.

"And Merry Christmas to you, too," Josie said.

It was only after the door slammed shut that Josie realized she'd been elbowed by Doreen.

The little woman in the elf hat was at Josie's side, looking concerned. "I'm terribly sorry," she said. "She's not a regular customer."

"I know. That's Doreen. She owns the shop next door," Josie said. "You're stuck with a real doozy for a neighbor."

The elf-hat woman sighed and said, "She's a very unhappy person. Do you know she came over here yesterday and accused me of letting roaches loose in her store? In front of my customers. Doreen screamed that I shoved the disgusting creatures under her back door. People were staring at me like I actually did it. One woman canceled her order for my snowman cake and walked out."

The elf woman had short red hair, a sharp pointed chin, and eyebrows that looked like triangles. Josie tried to see her ears through the hair, in case they were pointed, too.

"That Doreen is mentally ill," the elf woman said. "I told her if she spread that false story, I'd sue her for slander. She left. Today she tried to make amends by bringing me this poinsettia."

A bushy pot of pink-red flowers bloomed on the counter.

"Lovely color," Josie said.

"Doreen is trying," the elf woman said.

"Very trying," Josie said.

The woman laughed. "The peace offering didn't work. I was so distracted by a sudden rush of customers, we didn't get a chance to talk. Doreen saw all those people in my store, when her own shop was empty, and it made her angry all over again. She stomped out just as you came in. I'm sorry you caught her bad temper. I'm Elsie, by the way."

"I guessed that," Josie said. "Nice to meet you."

"May I give you one of my chocolate snowmen? On the house, to sweeten your day? They make them at Christmas All Year Round, but I think mine are better."

"Thanks, but I'll take a rain check," Josie said. Her jeans were a little snug. "Do you have a toy soldier lawn ornament? Mine was damaged."

"Yes, I do," Elsie said. "It's about five feet tall and made of twinkle lights. Let me show you." Elsie hauled the soldier out of the back room.

"It's perfect," Josie said. "He could be the brother of the one I lost."

"I can let you have him for fifty percent off," Elsie said.

"Deal," Josie said, "but I really came for something else."

"You've come back for that creme brulee torch for your friend, haven't you? She really wanted it. I'm getting a steady run of customers. I have two creme brulee torches left. This one even has a childproof switch, if your friend has children."

"A little boy," Josie said. "Justin is at the grab-and-chew stage. Alyce will appreciate that feature."

Josie mentally crossed one gift off her Christmas list, and carefully stowed the toy soldier in her car's backeat. Her mother and Amelia would be happy. Certainly happier than Josie was today. She'd spent a sleepless night wondering why Mike didn't call. Her mood swung between anger and hurt. Was he upset about her d.a.m.ning mystery-shopper report? Mike would understand, wouldn't he?

Last night Josie had tossed and turned until four in the morning before she finally decided to heck with him. I was just fine before I met Mike, she told herself. I'll be fine now. I'll survive. She almost made herself believe it.

She sang "I Will Survive," the anthem of furious females, as she drove. She had a voice like a scalded cat. After yowling a few verses, she nearly convinced herself she didn't care about Mike. She added Eliza Doolittle's angry tirade against Henry Higgins and felt better.

If they can live without you, ducky, so can I, Josie thought. Yeah. Right. So why was she still thinking about him?

When her cell phone rang and she saw Mike's number on the display, Josie pulled into a parking lot and scrambled to answer it, hoping she didn't sound too breathless.

"Mike!" she said.

"Hi, Josie." Mike's voice sounded flat. "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. It seemed like all the plumbing in St. Louis went haywire yesterday."

"How's Heather?" Josie asked.

"Scared, but I stayed with her while the police questioned her. Her mother is still convinced Elsie set the roaches loose in her store."

"Are you?" Josie said.

"No way," Mike said. "Elsie's store is successful. Doreen's business is failing. She's just not cut out for retail."

"Do you know about my mystery report on Doreen's shop?" Josie asked.

"I haven't heard about anything else since headquarters called Doreen with the news yesterday. Her franchise is in danger of being canceled."

"I'm sorry about your investment," Josie said.

"Yeah, well, I knew better. I knew better from the moment I fell into bed with Doreen. But some things you just can't fix. You have to live with your mistakes."

"Doreen said I planted a dead roach in the gingerbread I bought at her store," Josie said.

"She told me that, too. But I know you too well. You'd never lie on a report. You did what you had to do."

Josie couldn't tell if Mike was angry or resigned. "Anyway, Josie, I'd like to go out with you tonight, but I have to work."

"I understand," Josie said. "Besides, I have a date."

"With Nate?" Mike asked.