Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures Part 8

"YOU GAVE ME TWENTY POUNDS FIVE MONTHS AGO?

"What's five months ago to do with now? Besides, what I HAVE had is nothing to do with it.

"What do you say?

"TEN POUNDS ARE ENOUGH?

"Yes, just like you men; you think things cost nothing for women; but you don't care how much you lay out upon yourselves.

"THEY ONLY WANT BONNETS AND FROCKS?

"How do you know what they want? HOW should a man know anything at all about it? And you won't give more than ten pounds? Very well.

Then you may go shopping with it yourself, and see what YOU'LL make of it. I'll have none of your ten pounds, I can tell you. No, sir,- -no; you have no cause to say that.

"I DON'T WANT TO DRESS THE CHILDREN UP LIKE COUNTESSES?

"You often fling that in my teeth, you do: but you know it's false, Caudle; you know it. I only want to give 'em proper notions of themselves: and what, indeed, CAN the poor things think when they see the Briggs's, and the Browns, and the Smiths--and their fathers don't make the money you do, Caudle--when they see them as fine as tulips? Why, they must think themselves n.o.body; and to think yourself n.o.body--depend upon it, Caudle,--isn't the way to make the world think anything of you.

"What do you say?

"WHERE DID I PICK UP THAT?

"Where do you think? I know a great deal more than you suppose--yes; though you don't give me credit for it. Husbands seldom do.

However, the twenty pounds I WILL have, if I've any--or not a farthing. No, sir, no.

"I DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP THE CHILDREN LIKE PEAc.o.c.kS AND PARROTS!

"I only want to make 'em respectable and--what do you say?

"YOU'LL GIVE FIFTEEN POUNDS?

"No, Caudle, no--not a penny will I take under twenty; if I did, it would seem as if I wanted to waste your money: and I'm sure, when I come to think of it, twenty pounds will hardly do. Still, if you'll give me twenty--no, it's no use your offering fifteen, and wanting to go to sleep. You sha'n't close an eye until you promise me twenty.

Come, Caudle, love!--twenty, and then you may go to sleep. Twenty-- twenty--twenty--"

"My impression is," writes Caudle, "that I fell asleep sticking firmly to the fifteen; but in the morning Mrs. Caudle a.s.sured me, as a woman of honour, that she wouldn't let me wink an eye before I promised the twenty: and man is frail--and woman is strong--she had the money."

LECTURE XV--MR. CAUDLE HAS AGAIN STAYED OUT LATE. MRS. CAUDLE, AT FIRST INJURED AND VIOLENT, MELTS

"Perhaps, Mr. Caudle, you'll tell me where this is to end? Though, goodness knows, I needn't ask THAT. The end is plain enough. Out-- out--out! Every night--every night! I'm sure, men who can't come home at reasonable hours have no business with wives: they have no right to destroy other people, if they choose to go to destruction themselves. Ha, lord! Oh, dear! I only hope none of my girls will ever marry--I hope they'll none of 'em ever be the slave their poor mother is: they shan't, if I can help it. What do you say?

"NOTHING?

"Well, I don't wonder at that, Mr. Caudle? you ought to be ashamed to speak; I don't wonder that you can't open your mouth. I'm only astonished that at such hours you have the confidence to knock at your own door. Though I'm your wife, I must say it, I do sometimes wonder at your impudence. What do you say?

"NOTHING?

"Ha! you are an aggravating creature, Caudle; lying there like the mummy of a man, and never as much as opening your lips to one. Just as if your own wife wasn't worth answering! It isn't so when you're out, I'm sure. Oh no! then you can talk fast enough; here, there's no getting a word from you. But you treat your wife as no other man does--and you know it.

"Out--out every night! What?

"YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT THIS WEEK BEFORE?

"That's nothing at all to do with it. You might just as well be out all the week as once--just! And I should like to know what could keep you out till these hours?

"BUSINESS?

"Oh, yes--I dare say! Pretty business a married man and the father of a family must have out of doors at one in the morning. What?

"I SHALL DRIVE YOU MAD?

"Oh, no; you haven't feelings enough to go mad--you'd be a better man, Caudle, if you had.

"WILL I LISTEN TO YOU?

"What's the use? Of course you've some story to put me off with--you can all do that, and laugh at us afterwards.

"No, Caudle, don't say that. I'm not always trying to find fault-- not I. It's you. I never speak but when there's occasion; and what in my time I've put up with there isn't anybody in the world that knows.

"WILL I HEAR YOUR STORY?

"Oh, you may tell it if you please; go on: only mind, I sha'n't believe a word of it. I'm not such a fool as other women are, I can tell you.

"There, now--don't begin to swear--but go on--" -

"--And that's your story, is it? That's your excuse for the hours you keep! That's your apology for undermining my health and ruining your family! What do you think your children will say of you when they grow up--going and throwing away your money upon good-for- nothing pot-house acquaintance?

"HE'S NOT A POT-HOUSE ACQUAINTANCE?

"Who is he, then? Come, you haven't told me that; but I know--it's that Prettyman! Yes, to be sure it is! Upon my life! Well, if I've hardly patience to lie in the bed! I've wanted a silver teapot these five years, and you must go and throw away as much money as--what?

"YOU HAVEN'T THROWN IT AWAY?

"Haven't you? Then my name's not Margaret, that's all I know!

"A man gets arrested, and because he's taken from his wife and family, and locked up, you must go and trouble your head with it!

And you must be mixing yourself up with nasty sheriff's officers-- pah! I'm sure you're not fit to enter a decent house--and go running from lawyer to lawyer to get bail, and settle the business, as you call it! A pretty settlement you'll make of it--mark my words! Yes- -and to mend the matter, to finish it quite, you must be one of the bail! That any man who isn't a born fool should do such a thing for another! Do you think anybody would do as much for you?

"YES?

"You say yes? Well, I only wish--just to show that I'm right--I only wish you were in a condition to try 'em. I should only like to see you arrested. You'd find the difference--that you would.

"What's other people's affairs to you? If you were locked up, depend upon it, there's not a soul would come near you. No; it's all very fine now, when people think there isn't a chance of your being in trouble--but I should only like to see what they'd say to you if YOU were in a sponging-house. Yes--I should enjoy THAT, just to show you that I'm always right. What do you say?