Mr. Scraggs Part 7

"Before we got our wits about us poor Mrs. Pumpey see her Major afloat on a gory sea, and without askin' for explanations she give a loud holler and fainted on our stock of fancy dishes.

"'Here's where we make a lot of money, I don't think,' screeches Hadds--he was an excitable person, that Hadds. 'Come!' he hollers, 'help me get 'em out of here! There's enough chloroform loose to sleep the bunch of us!'

"We lugged the Major and his wife to the back of the store. I made a piller for her out'n some rolls of wall-paper, but the Major had to get along as best he could. There he lay, his little round stummick stickin' in the air, breathin' like a wind-broken horse.

"Keno Jim and me looked after the lady whilest Hadds pranced around the Major and cussed scientific cuss-words. Of course, Keno and me didn't know no more what to do than a photograft of the Wild Man of Borneo when there was a fain tin' woman in the question. As I said, I hadn't been married enough to learn, and the present line of Mrs. Scraggses was healthy, whatever other faults they might have. Hadds 'ud come over and tell us half of something, and then rush back to the Major, tearin' his hair.

"'Blast it, Hadds!' says Keno, 'quit callin' the man names and let us know what to do for this woman.'

"'Give her a drink of whisky!' yells Hadds. 'Come here, Zeke, and see what ails this beggar now!'

"If he hadn't called me off like that lots of things wouldn't happened. 'Look at him!' says Hadds, and grinds his teeth. 'Forty dollars' worth of stuff smashed--charge it, of course. Prob'ly he's goin' to die on our hands--'twould be just like his unmerciful nerve. Pa.s.s me that bottle of ammonia, Zeke.'

"Then Keno hollered for me. He'd pried the Majoress' mouth open, stuck a cork in to it keep it so, and then fed her the revivifier.

She wasn't a handsome woman at the best, but with that cork in her mouth----!

"'I gave her to there of whisky,' says Keno, indicatin' about four Swede fingers on a water tumbler. 'Do you think that'll bring her to ?'

"'Like a bear trap,' says I. 'Do you mean to say you sluiced that much raw jump-and-holler into a woman that can't stand uncooked water? Well, you are an allotropic modification of the genus jacka.s.s, like Hadds says of the Major.'

"Keno got purple in the face. He slammed the gla.s.s down and walked out. 'Now you can look after your own women,' says he, bitter.

Them scientific cuss-words cut him to the heart.

"I looked at the lady. The color was coming back to her face.

Evidently she'd be around in a minute or two. Then Hadds fairly whoops at me:

"'Come here! Come 'here! You're a nice pardner, you are, standin'

there with your hands in your pockets!'

"'Well, what'll I do, Hadds?' says I.

"'Do? I don't care what you do, so long's you don't look so aggravatin' useless. D'yer think this specimen of an officer and gentleman appears to be--what in blazes is he doin' now?'

"'Don't abuse the poor cuss,' says I. 'He really couldn't help it.' Then I had an inspiration. Several times in my life I've been afflicted that way. 'See here,' says I, 'he took his dose through the nose. Why don't you give him the remedy the same way?

Try a pinch of that Scotch snuff.'

"'Why, sure!' says Hadds. He'd tried anythin' at that stage of the game.

"Well, dear friends and brothers, it ain't down in the farmer-coop-here, nor no other agriculcheral reports, and I dunno as you could bank on it in every case, but from what I see on this occasion, if you ever happen to have a friend or relative that's over-indulged in ch.o.r.eform and can't seem to recall himself, wait till he takes a deep breath, and mix about an ounce of Scotch snuff in his air supply. It may work wonders.

"'Hoor-rash-o!' says the Major, comin' to a sittin' position.

'Hoor-rash-o!' says he again, and then he went off like a pack of firecrackers. A sneeze wouldn't more'n get fairly started before another'd explode in the middle of it. And the Major was as powerful a sneezer as he was talker. Gee! them ba.s.s sneezes of his sounded like a freight-engine exhaust. Mind you, he didn't open his eyes; just sat there, covered with carmine and soothin' syrup, rockin' backward and forrard and sneezin' like George Washington.

There was somethin' kind of horrible about it. Me 'n' Hadds looked on petrified.

"Then, 'Oh, my poor husband! What are they doin' to you?' says a v'ice behind us, and the Majoress skipped across the floor and fell on the Major. That's the word for it; she let go all holts an'

dropped, gatherin' him up in her arms.

"'What did you say, Willie?' she asks.

"'Hoor-rash-o!' says the Major. 'A-kissh-uuu! ha-ha-hrrrum-pah!

A-ketcheer! Aketcher-hisssh-hoor-rash-o!'

"Now, Hadds, when he see the lady weepin' that way, was all broke up. He didn't know about Keno's goblet full of whiskey, so he thought it was genuine emotion.

"'Don't cry, ma'am,' says he. ''Twill be all right in a minute.

That red's nothin' but carmine and simple syrup--it'll all come out in the wash, and sneezin's good for the man.'

"The Mayoress she rose and looked at Hadds. There was a glare in her eye more'n human. I read in a book once about the tremenjous dignity of the lady the trouble was all about. It didn't seem reasonable any female person could act that way till I see the Majoress. She had dignity enough for two maiden ladies at a niece's weddin' and a n.i.g.g.e.r head-waiter. The way she laid holt of Hadds' collar was impressive a great deal more than I'm able to tell you. Poor Hadds was faded. He looked like a pup caught with a chicken in his mouth. They made a grand march to the general goods counter, the Majoress still resemblin' a foreign queen.

Arrived there, she took up a hairbrush, and with a motion the grandest I ever see in a human bein' she brought it down atop of Hadds' head. Whacko!--Christmas, what a crack.

"'_Now_, will you let my Willie alone?' says she.

"Hadds jumped up and down and rubbed his head.

"'What ails you?' says he, near cryin'.

"'Hadds!' I remonstrated to him, 'remember you're speakin' to a lady.'

"'Lady!' yells Hadds. 'Lady! Look at the lump on my head!'

"It was at this unfortunate minute a young feller see fit to come into the store to buy some matches. He stopped a minute, as he took a general view. There was the Major, apparently bleedin'

profusely, yet not carin' a great deal, seemin' more concerned in rockin' bac'ard and forrard and sneezin'. His manner seemed to say, 'So long as you don't interfere with the innocent pleasures of a sneeze I don't care what breaks.' There was Hadds rubbin' his head: there was me with my mouth open; and there was the Majoress, leanin' over the counter and smilin' a dark, mysterious smile.

"The customer didn't know what to do.

"'Well?' says the Majoress, sharp and businesslike.

"The young feller jumped.

"'I beg your pardon,' says he. 'I'd like a box of matches.'

"The Majoress shook her head.

"'People don't always get what they like in this world,' says she.

"'No,' says the young feller. 'No, ma'am.' And then come an awkward silence.

"The Majoress still shook her head.

"'This is a sad world,' she says.

"'Yes, ma'am,' says the young feller, edgin' for the door.

"'But you can have the matches,' says she.

"With that she hit him square between the eyes with a ten-cent box.

The young feller drew himself up proud.

"'I don't come in here to get insulted,' says he.